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Original poster

DH went out after pregnancy scan and isn't home

336 replies

AWOLDh · 13/09/2017 21:07

I'm trying to keep this vague in case someone recognises me but hopefully it will still make sense.

I had my first pregnancy scan today for our second DC.
We have a DD together , it took a long time to conceive DD and we had a couple of failed ivf attempts before we eventually had her.

So I always wanted 2 DCs, DH wanted 1. However after having DD he decided that he wanted to try for another. But I think in part he said yes because I wanted 2.
I fell pregnant on our first attempt and we were both a bit shocked at first as we were expecting it too take longer and the gap between the DCs is closer than expected. But once it sank in I was over the moon and DH said he was too.

So to today, we are at my first scan and the scan showed twins. Both of us were shocked and DH asked her to check again which she did and assured us it is twins.

So We left the room and DH said actually he had to go out and think and he needed space. He said that this wasn't part of the plan and he had to think. I said oh ok and didn't really question it.
He has been gone for hours, he has missed dinner and DDs bedtime.
I text him to ask when he is coming home but he hasn't replied.

I am zigzaging between being worried about him and being angry with him. I'm not sure if I should call him or if that will make it worse because he wanted space. But I'm also worried and annoyed and I want to hear from him.

OP posts:
KityGlitr · 14/09/2017 23:05

Sorry but don't buy for a second that he spent twelve hours walking and sitting in a McDonald's. That could take four hours MAX. Twelve? Either he walked tens of miles or a fast food joint let him sit in their place for nearly a whole working shift. Doesn't add up. I'd ask him how for he got or for a receipt for the food place or something. He wasn't doing walking and sitting there for twelve hours.

You got way way more support on this from a bunch of strangers than your own husband. Let that sink in.

Italiangreyhound · 14/09/2017 23:06

OP I have not read all the posts but I saw you were having a take away and a chat.

I really hope your dh will be able to name his concerns and worries etc, whatever they are. Maybe it is money, so you can talk about that, maybe it is time, energy etc.

I hope he will be able to discuss this in a good positive way.

He did really fuck up by disappearing off, but if he is apologetic, I hope you can take it from here.

Thanks
Italiangreyhound · 14/09/2017 23:08

Kity "You got way way more support on this from a bunch of strangers than your own husband. Let that sink in." That is an interesting point.

However, in the long run hopefully this man will be supporting his kids long into the future in a way that we will not even remember the OP.

OP I do hope you will be able to really talk in a calm way. Thanks

FreakinScaryCaaw · 14/09/2017 23:09

I hope the chat went well?

Really feel for you. This should have been time for celebrating not hiding Sad

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 14/09/2017 23:11

Hope the chat went well and he's been very apologetic about being a twat!

stillvicarinatutu · 14/09/2017 23:14

oh do get over yourself. it was a turn of phrase. not a DV dot to dot. i work with both victims and perpetrators of DV. i was using a turn of phrase not instructing the op. i would be extremely pissed off if my partner went along with ttc and then said actually its not what he signedup for and id be pretty pissed off if he went awol without word and left me to it after a scan which showed twins. talking is great but it wont change the situation so he either gets used to it or doesnt but the situation is the same and the babies are his joint responsibility - i hope he comes to realise he needs to step up.

i lost my dd last year in the second trimester. my dp was rooting for twins and in the event i couldnt deliver one let alone two. some men need a metaphorical kick up the arse.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/09/2017 23:25

12 hours isn't "a bit". You don't "wander around for a bit" for 12 whole hours!!

Fruitbat1980 · 14/09/2017 23:28

Men can be such arses.
I had a friend who at 20 week scan found out second baby was another girl. Her husband stormed out and didn't come back for 24 hours 😵 They worked it out eventually but he was such a prick he couldn't hide disappointment. I hope your DH sorts his head out and supports you.
And congratulations! TWINS what a blessing! I'm deeply jealous! Flowers

Fruitbat1980 · 14/09/2017 23:29

To add in her case she didn't drive and he left her at hospital abandoned and another friend had to go pick her up 😵

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2017 23:30

Italiangreyhound has it I think. The speculation about where he went is not helping. It really is unlikely he picked up a prostitute or went to a club and picked up or gambled the family home away- I can't think what else you are all suggesting. It's perfectly easy to stay out all night doing nothing much.

twattymctwatterson · 15/09/2017 00:23

I'm sorry there's absolutely no way this guy wandered around and sat in a fast food shop for 12 hours. If you believe that you'll believe anything.

WellThisIsShit · 15/09/2017 03:04

Let's not make up more stuff for the OP to be scared about, how could that ever be helpful?!

OP I hope you had a really good talk and take away Flowers.

I hope he has apologised and not minimised what he did and how it effected you. I think you're right that he irrationally blames you for biology and blink luck. I suspect that's why he decided to disappear, to 'punish' you whilst pretending he's not as he knows that's completely unreasonable.

Hopefully he can put that (selfish toddler tantrum) behind him and embrace fatherhood for the 2nd & 3rd time. And that means apologising in a heartfelt way and making a commitment that you can really trust. And then maybe you can move forwards.

Sluggish excuses and childish minimisation and poor me victim-hood will not help you or him move forwards!

Cupoteap · 15/09/2017 04:25

Hope you e had a good chat and this is a one off!

Angelf1sh · 15/09/2017 06:01

Fruitbat i 100% would have ltb in that situation. Not for the disappearing though, but for his attitude about it being a girl! I wouldn't want my daughter/s being brought up by that man. I hope all went well in the end for your friend!

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/09/2017 06:35

Fruitbat Shock I can't imagine loving a man who did that.

Original poster
AWOLDh · 15/09/2017 12:33

We talked for a long time last night. I told him how upset and angry I was that he didn't just tell me he was safe. He told me he was scared about the issues that can come from having twins. I told him how scared I was and how he made everything that much worse for me because instead of just worrying about twins I was also worried about him.

He got upset because he didn't mean to upset me and he thought I would just be really happy about it all whereas he was worried about it. He said he didn't want to get upset with me or put a downer on my happiness by being worried.

I pointed out that if he had stopped and asked me how I felt then we could have talked about how worried we were together and instead he went off by himself for hours worrying about stuff which maybe if we had talked about he would have been able to sort out.

He told me how sorry he was and asked if we could talk about some of his worries, which we did some we sorted out there and some we made a plan to talk about tonight when we have more time.

OP posts:
ieatchocolate · 15/09/2017 12:42

That sounds productive. Great news. I hope you're able to sort out more of the worries tonight.

diddl · 15/09/2017 13:18

"and asked if we could talk about some of his worries, which we did"

Blimey-way to make it all about him!

Are you even getting a look in, Op?

Joysmum · 15/09/2017 13:23

he thought I would just be really happy about it all whereas he was worried about it

That's exactly what what happened with dh and I when I found out I was pregnant. As I said on my first post on this thread, neither of us was the best at supporting each other because we were too wrapped up in our own feelings to be as good as we can be for each other.

What's important is where you go from here.

ProperLavs · 15/09/2017 13:38

Op, where do you fit in here? This big man-child is making everything about him. i couldn't stand having a man like that be with me. I would have no respect for someone so pathetic.

Whinesalot · 15/09/2017 13:49

He got upset because you were upset. Making it all about him again. I hope you resolve things tonight op.

Whinesalot · 15/09/2017 13:50

Hope you resolve things tonight op

redemptionsongs · 15/09/2017 14:36

it doesn't add up to me - I did think it was a huge shock, but he's worried about birth complications/complications of twins for you presumably, and that's why he took off and caused you worry? Does seem a bit manipulative.

Can't he just be honest and say the responsibility caused him to freak out? I can't get from the stated worries to his actions. You don't take off because you're worried FOR someone else.

redemptionsongs · 15/09/2017 14:40

Joysmum is right though, best to move on and look forward.

Motoko · 15/09/2017 15:44

Still no excuse for not letting you know he was safe.

I agree, he's making it all about him. "Can we talk about my worries tonight?" Not "Can we talk about our worries tonight?"