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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!

388 replies

shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 17:04

Sorry, have changed name here for the usual reasons.

Have had a tough couple of months at home for one reason or another. This afternoon dh has just told me that he's not sure he wants to stay married to me anymore. He can't give me much more information than that, he just feels like the two of us don't get on like we used to (he cites since dd was born) and he feels we might be better apart.

Although we have had a difficult time, I really haven't felt it's more than that, and that we'd get over it. He has scoffed at this. He says he doesn't know yet whether he wants to give us another try or not. Our sex life has not been good since dd was born, and now we are in a position to right this, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says he doesn't have any answers.

I am shocked, and sad, and don't know what to do. Also having bursts of great anger towards him. Now I'm meant to just sit back and wait for him to decide whether he will grace with the honour of giving it a go. If he doesn't want to, I don't know what I'll do. I love him and want to stay with him. We do have our ups and downs, like anyone, I thought, and I am so shocked that he feels this way. Can't stop crying and poor dd (3)is very concerned. Anyone been in this position?

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 01/04/2007 17:15

I have not really been in this position although dh and I also have our fair share of ups and downs - who doesn't? I can't really offer any advice here, but I saw your thread unanswered and feel so sorry for your situation. Has anything precipitated your dh saying this?

PrincessPeaHead · 01/04/2007 17:19

poor you. no I haven't been in this situation and it sounds horrible. but it sounds like he has been thinking about things and has only just told you - so he is obviously further along the thinking path than you are, and you are in complete shock.
I think if I were you I'd be picking up the phone and booking the first appointment at relate that I could, because you clearly have a lot of talking to do, and you need to know what he is/has been thinking. and I think this might be easier for both of you in a counselling environment.

do you think he would go?

PrincessPeaHead · 01/04/2007 17:19

ps I also hate to bring this up, but it is an obvious question - is there anyone else? have you asked?

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 17:25

Thanks both.
DumbledoresGirl - nothing has precipitated this so much as a difficult 8 weeks or so. We've moved to a completely new area and he's lost his job. He's been partying like a madman which he told me last week was a reaction to the redundancy and that seemed believable (though annoying).
Princesspeahead - I have asked if there is anyone else, and he says no. In fact, his exact words were "Not yet" which seemed a bit weird. I have also suggested we go to counselling and he said he's not interested - asks how they can make up his mind for him - says he needs to do this himself. I fully expected him to say no, he's like that. I would go by myself, but not sure it would be worth it.
He's gone to the pub now to think things over. Feel like I'm waiting for test results or something. Tomorrow he goes away for a few days, I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself, either way.

OP posts:
cathcart · 01/04/2007 17:26

So sorry to hear about your situation. Perhaps you could do with a break away to spend some real time together, let him see the 'you' that he fell in love with. It is so easy to get bogged down with the day to day stuff that we often forget why we married our dh. If you love him, do whatever it takes to make it work, and make the three of you happy. He must be having a hard time too so its important that if he stays it is because he wants to, not because he feels he should, otherwise he will never be able to make you truly happy. Above all you both need to communicate, share your feelings and talk, not row. Good luck and remember where we are if you need us x

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 17:31

I do love him, but I don't know that I can or should push him to stay together, because I would always feel like he was doing me a favour! I want to beg him to give it a chance, but I just don't want to force him into it. I am heartbroken he feels like this, and it feels so sudden. Agree a break is a good idea. Unfortunately money is tight and I am already going away at the end of the month. Might be able to try and do something though, this is obviously worth stretching the credit card for.

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 01/04/2007 17:35

cathcart is right when she says do whatever it takes to keep the marriage going, but unfortunately, that works both ways and his refusal to see any point in Relate is a bit worrying.

The break this week must be very unsettling for you but it might actually be a good thing, allowing you both to sort through in your mind what you feel and want to do about the situation you find yourselves in.

Poor you. It must be awful to be confronted with this. It has made me realise I need to put a bit more something into my relationship before this happens to me.

Freckle · 01/04/2007 17:42

I think you need to get him to see that splitting up is not necessarily going to make life better, just more complicated.

He may feel that he doesn't love you any more, but that often happens when children arrive, plus, as you say, he's been made redundant, so perhaps he's questioning his worth. He may feel (the "not yet" response) that he can prove he is still desirable by becoming single and finding someone else.

It does sound like a self-esteem thing.

Perhaps you can persuade him to consider giving your marriage another go by pointing out all the negatives (finances - trying to fund two households on the same money as now, contact with your dd, family fall-out). Show him you understand that life is difficult for him now (it is for you too, but men rarely see beyond the end of their noses).

cathcart · 01/04/2007 17:48

DDG is right too! It must work both ways definatly! However I do tend to think that some people (men generally?) are not that comfortable with the idea of counselling. It seems that he has found it difficult to talk to you, let alone a stranger, about his current feelings and perhaps, given time, may come round to the idea of counselling. You can't stay hanging on forever for him to make his mind up though, so perhaps for now tell him that it will be good to have a bit of space this week but you would like to talk about this properly when he gets back. See if someone can have LO for a few hours so you can talk over things together.

dolally · 01/04/2007 17:49

probably the redundancy has taken its toll on him, it may have more to do with his feelings than he admits. Blaming it all on you and your dd's birth just sounds to me like a bit of scapegoating.

How about this? Tell him you love him and then give him a big push and a time limit to sort himself out.

Sorry, probably not v helpful.

Dior · 01/04/2007 17:54

Message withdrawn

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 17:58

I agree it's to do with self-esteem. He's an Aussie. He does have a very big ego. He's about to turn 30. So I can understand insecurity, bit of a mid-life crisis, freaking about responsibilities.

Money would be a nightmare, not to mention moving and everything else. We did touch on this earlier.

I really do understand that life is difficult for him just now (and god knows it has been for me too, but of course he doesn't think about that). I can't believe it's manifesting itself like this though.

Should I really come out all guns blazing? I am so worried this will look like I'm forcing him into trying, and I don't want that.

Dumbledoresgirl - he is the sort of person who would never think of going to counselling, I'm not unduly worried by that really. I think if I present him with the information he might consider. Hope you can take something from this to help with your dh - are things okay?

OP posts:
Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 18:03

oh god - have just looked at online mobile bill and seen he has spent 30 mins on phone to a female friend. A new female friend he keeps going partying with who I've never met. He isn't back yet. Do I tell him I know this???? S*it.

OP posts:
Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 18:04

What I mean is that this phone call just happened this afternoon, when he left for the pub at 4.30pm........
am shaking.

OP posts:
Dior · 01/04/2007 18:06

Message withdrawn

dolally · 01/04/2007 18:06

Well, no, of course you don't want to push him out the door, though on some men that would work a treat, and they'd be back home within 24 hours begging for forgiveness.

Sorry, don't mean to sound flippant and you must be feeling very vulnerable right now. I would still try to give him some space, if that's within your emotional capacity at the mo. You don't have to get nasty - just remind him how much he's loved and appreciated, but be firm when you say you're not going to hang around forever...

Sounds good in theory doesn't it, but much more difficult in real life, I know.

Hope all turns out ok for you

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 18:09

I said I didn't mind if he wanted to go and think things over. He says he's told nobody anything so far, so maybe he is just telling her everything, but am terrified this means that he is involved with her. I can call him and ask him to come home but feel I might gain more brownie points, as it were, by just leaving him to it.

Yes, Dior, I would go by myself, but it sort of feels like it defeats the purpose

OP posts:
dolally · 01/04/2007 18:10

gad, crossed posts. this phone call sounds VERY dodgy..

So I stand by my original idea, a swift kick up the jacksy down the garden path. And tell him he has a week to make up his mind.

Dior · 01/04/2007 18:11

Message withdrawn

cathcart · 01/04/2007 18:11

did he give you an idea of when he might be home?

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 18:15

Dior, yes, we had a nice afternoon all together yesterday (at soft play then shopping with dd) after he arrived back from 24 hours away drinking. We've also all been in all day (apart from 30 min walk for dd and me)

cathcart - he said he'd have a couple of pints and wouldn't be too long.

Do I own up to having seen this then?

OP posts:
Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 18:15

dolally - yes, the kick up the jacksy sounds good, lol!

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PeachyClair · 01/04/2007 18:19

Poor you

Not yet is what my FIL said when he meant, 'there will be, just not officially yet'- I ahte to say this but think you need to get the full facts because if he evil enough to be messing you about, you know you deserve much much better

Whoever you are

You will survive this.

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 18:22

Thanks, Peachy. Yes that's exactly what he meant, I'm sure.

I can't believe we've come to this, am absolutely gutted. Even if he says he wants to give it another go, I don't know if I can be with someone who has said all this to me!

OP posts:
cathcart · 01/04/2007 18:23

Sorry sas, I have to go - will be on tomorrow and check back then. {{hugs}}

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