DH has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!

[shockedandsad]

Sorry, have changed name here for the usual reasons.

Have had a tough couple of months at home for one reason or another. This afternoon dh has just told me that he's not sure he wants to stay married to me anymore. He can't give me much more information than that, he just feels like the two of us don't get on like we used to (he cites since dd was born) and he feels we might be better apart.

Although we have had a difficult time, I really haven't felt it's more than that, and that we'd get over it. He has scoffed at this. He says he doesn't know yet whether he wants to give us another try or not. Our sex life has not been good since dd was born, and now we are in a position to right this, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says he doesn't have any answers.

I am shocked, and sad, and don't know what to do. Also having bursts of great anger towards him. Now I'm meant to just sit back and wait for him to decide whether he will grace with the honour of giving it a go. If he doesn't want to, I don't know what I'll do. I love him and want to stay with him. We do have our ups and downs, like anyone, I thought, and I am so shocked that he feels this way. Can't stop crying and poor dd (3)is very concerned. Anyone been in this position?

Have a brilliant time in vegas - will be thinking of you!

Enjoy Vegas, don't even THINK about him while you're there - just have fun !

Youve gone now! Im a bit late in wishing you a good trip and a great time in Vegas.

Soooo WELCOME HOME!!! XX

WELCOME HOME ? Where are you ? Not married Elvis have you ?

lol, no didn't marry Elvis lilyloo, though did of course meet him a few times!! Had an absolutely fabulous time in Vegas, can totally understand the appeal of the place now. Did loads of shopping - took pleasure in buying some fab new clothes, and put a couple on the credit card dh is paying!! Lots of great food and drink and just general fun, it was amazing. My sister's wedding was fabulous, she looked great. Must admit I got very emotional when standing next to her at the altar, and shed a couple of tears. Was gripping my arm really hard to concentrate on the pain there rather than crying. Luckily my sister thought I was just being a big softy, rather than a self-pitying old bag, so that was good!

Got back home and have been feeling very low this week. Dd has really been playing up, which has been exhausting, and I couldn't even find the strength to get on to here really.

Have heard from h a couple of times. He keeps telling me how much fun he's having, life is great etc, then when he finally manages to ask about dd and I say she's finding it quite hard, he launches into a great episode of how difficult it is for him etc etc. Even said once that he "had to do what he had to do". Er, what??!

His cousin got in touch with me this week, she stayed with us for 10 days in Jan, and couldn't believe the news of the split. She is furious that she met him for drinks and he only went and introduced Sarah to her!! Brilliantly, she is only 21 and a bit of a madam, so she refused to be introduced to Sarah, had her drink, and then stormed out with her boyfriend in tow. Also, she has reported all this, in disgust, to her mum, who is the sister of h's mother, and they're very close, so she will definitely have heard of this.

Have had an email from his mum asking what's going on as none of them can get in touch with him. have just sent back very long email, so will be interesting to see response to that. Am now about to email a load of my friends who don't know, to tell them. Can't decide about including friends of his, his old school friends who I now know well -what do you think??

Hope everyone is okay, and doing well. Will be on more this week, for sure

Lily - so sorry to hear that h is being such a shit but glad that his family are not seeing through any of his ridiculous behaviour. Vegas sounds fab and I'm sure is what you needed, indeed deserved. Keep strong xxx

Welcome home

It must be hard to get back earth again. Why does h feel the need to tell you how great his life is - i susspect he has something to hide!! Of course it is great at the moment - it is exciting but that will wear off and then what? You are so strong and by telling your friends you will have a great support network. If i were you i would only tell yours not his - that is his job. of course if you see any of them then be honest.

You are doing great and it will get better.

Thanks guys. I did only tell my friends, not his. Have therefore had a solid stream of emails and calls since, which has been quite hard, and lots more tears shed

Spoke to him today and managed an almost civil conversation, except I had to mention Madame when we talked about mobile phone bills . Have had a few emails from his mum who is hurt and upset and quite angry. She can't get hold of him, and seems mortified at his behaviour.

That's about it from me. Am still feeling very down. Have to go to our house this week and pack it all up again, which is going to be horrible, have hardly even unpacked it all

oh Lily so no change in him then?
Am glad you had such a good time with your sis however it wsa just a sticking plaster and the sore is still here sadly. Hope your rl friends are being really supportive esp with dd as she will be feeling this too. Can't believe all he can talk about is 'his' life honestly why can't men just not be so fucking selfish The house will be hard but maybe it will help you mentally move on a bit. As for her the novelty will wear off i'm sure as if it was that great he wouldn't need to boast about it. I feel that's just him trying to convince himself tbh. Have you been on mls thread. Try and pop on and get on the msn group loads of lovely photos might raise a little

Moving house is incredibly stressful at the best of times but to be forced into it by circumstances that were beyond your control, and so soon after moving in, must be particularly difficult. Do you have a date when you're moving out? And anywhere lined up to move to? Continuing to send you very best wishes xxx

Lilyloo, thanks. Yes my friends are being fab, luckily for me.
Willywonka, thanks too. It's been really hard packing up, and thinking that it should have been our dream home, and instead it's been anything but. It just breaks my heart.

I stupidly told h the other week that I would cite adultery in a divorce petition. He has obviously taken this to heart and has had a casual conversation with a a divorce lawyer who is a friend of a friend, just off the record. I have all the phone records, so to counter that, on hearing that I have access to his emails (we set both our accounts to open up in Outlook Express, no password needed), lawyer told h to register for a dating site and leave it in inbox where I would see it and hopefully print it off, then change his password. All that worked like a charm. Now the idea is that if I present this as evidence, they will discredit me for accessing his emails, while proving that he is playing the field. Nice hey!? H keeps saying I can't prove he's having an affair, and you know what, I can't! Am so cross and upset, everything just seems to go his way. I don't get why he told me that though, it's all so strange.

I am really finding things very tough at the moment. I feel completely betrayed and rejected. I know I did nothing wrong, and therefore he doesn't want the real 'me'. It's so huge and absorbing that is too much to take in. Went shopping with my sister today and burst into tears in the middle of H&M

My parents have been a massive support (I've been living there), but they are fed up of his behaviour, and are now bickering themselves over the amount of advice they give me, whether to contact his parents, etc. And of course I can't blame them, it's horribly stressful, and to see your child go through this must be heart-breaking.

I am in the process of sorting out all my things in our house, and have to move them out next weekend, so that's obviously horrible. Dd is playing up, again understandably. I am trying to find a new flat, trying to start back at my old job. I don't have the strength to not cry in front of dd and she keeps having to comfort me . I feel like I am bringing other people down now, and I don't know what to do.

Any more advice ladies? I could really do with some, I feel so wretched, hopeless and pathetic....

oh lily I'm so sorry for what you're going through

please don't feel like you're a burden on anyone. yes it must be horrible for your friends and family to see you going through this, especially your parents, but remember that if it was your daughter you'd want to do whatever you could for her. let everyone help you - you'd do the same for those you love. this is the time for you to worry about you and nobody else! remember that.

try to remember also that this really is the worst time. you're forced into packing up your dream house just months after you moved in. he has shattered all of your hopes and dreams and your trust.

but things will get better. you will get settled in a new place, settle back into your job etc and gradually, day by day, things will start to look brighter.

just look how far you've come already. you can get through this. and you will be happier than he ever will be in the long run - please remember that.
he deserves nothing from you. and will regret every single bit of this. hopefully by then you won't even care because you'll be so happy with your new life, surrounded by people who love and care for you and most of all, you have your beautiful dd to get you through.

take care. I'm always here if you want to talk xx

Hi Lily

My bet is that you H is doing all he is doing because he is feeling threatened, weak, scared and defensive. His nastiness and underhand ways are all to make him feel strong and in control. He is thinking only about himself and protecting himself. He knows he is in the wrong and he knows you can discredit him, hit him where it hurts so he is doing all he can to knock you off kilter. He is trying to bring you down and it sounds as though it is working. If he felt his threats were actually viable, that you would be discredited for accessing his email, then why would he be telling you? Surely he would just allow it to happen rather than warn you about it. He is playing vile nasty games with you.

I think if it were me I would be saying nothing to him at all! I would be keeping absolutely schtum! Let your silence worry him
If he doesn't have the ammunition he has nothing to shoot you with. But..... just when he is lulled into a flase sense of security I would give it to him with both bloody barrels! Divorce papers!!

But right now Lily its just one little step at a time. Clearing out the house, starting your job and looking after yourself. You and your dc are the most important people right now. H is not worth your tears!

Im thinking of you Lily and I'm wishing you all the strength and love in the world xx

Message withdrawn

Fantastically sage advice from MLS et al and wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you. You really are going through several of life's most stressful situations in one fell swoop so it's no wonder that you feel at rock bottom. You're also grieving for the marriage/relationship that you thought you had but which has been cruelly taken away. As MLS said, if this was your daughter or friend, you would want to help in any way possible and wouldn't feel that they were bringing you down and, difficult as it can be, it's important that you take all the help you can to help you rebuild your life and your self-confidence. In the happier days and months to come you can thank people in your own way - with lunch, letters, whatever - and it will mean the world to them all to think that they may have helped you through a really shit time. One day too, when dd is old enough to realise quite exactly what went on - and she will - she will be very proud to have the wonderful role model that she has in you. Keep strong xx

You are not being pathetic at all you have a hell of a lot to deal with

You thought you would spend the rest of your life with hubby, he is now behaving like a frog rather than the prince you thought he was

You have only just moved into your house, are now having to move out and find a new home for you and DD

Not to mention leaving work and having to go back again.

Any of these things alone would be stressful and upsetting but you are not sitting at home like a victim you are doing something about it and getting on with your life.

I cant pretend (even many years after the event) that I dont occasionally have a pang that someone I loved so much treated me so badly but you know what its his loss - much as I thought the sun shone out of his A** at the time I was far too good for him

Go look in the mirror & tell yourself "I deserve to be treated better" You have friends and family (including his) who obviously think so too.

Hey Lilybubble

I have only just read part of this thread and just want to say hiw amazingly strong I think you are being. Your DH has been behaving selfishly and appallingly whilst you have conducted yourself with nothing but dignity. He does not deserve you Hon.

Keep being strong

xx

I would just reiterate about getting a solicitor of your own (perhaps you already have?) - at least the free consultation. IMO you really, really need to do this - esp in situation of life insurance, pension etc. Get a personal recommendation if you can (for the lawyer) but if not, just pick one, maybe more than one to try them out. Remember that you don't have to follow any of their advice; however, his solicitors may stop playing such stupid games if they know there is another legal bod at the other end of the matter.

Thank you all, you've made me smile and cry with your lovely posts.

I've had a good positive day today. Spoke to CAB a bit more, but got a bit flustered and couldn't remember all I needed to ask. I realise I do need to see a solicitor now (no choosyfloosy, still not done it - thought I could cope without, but can see now that I can't. My best friend's partner is trying to help out, but I will make my own enquiries too. I need to sort out financial things asap, ie the mortgage (we are renting the house out), money for me and dd etc. I also spoke to the admissions team at the council about schools. Dd is a July baby so she won't start till Jan, rather than Sept, which is quite good, I'm pleased. Plus, there is a nice Catholic (not that we are) school nearby which has a good reputation and excellent Ofsted reports, mostly grades 1, and a few 2's, and that definitely has vacancies.

My lovely sister and her (new!) husband have been so kind, and are organising a van to come and move all my stuff at the weekend. Annoyingly it has to go from Hampshire to my parents in Somerset, and then in a month or so it will have to come back to London, if all goes to plan with the flat I've found. They have also said they will move the stuff from Somerset to London. My sis came home from work with a Which? Guide to divorce for me. And then this evening I went out! Went to the theatre, to the first preview of The Drowsy Chaperone, and then out for dinner with a work colleague. Loved the show - highly recommend it to everyone!

Tomorrow I'm back to Hampshire for a few days to finish the packing. Got a friend coming to stay and help me clear a load of stuff out. Then the move at the weekend.

IOHW, I agree with your suggestions for his motives, that makes sense. Very helpful - thanks.

Also, a weird question - is it better for me to try to serve divorce papers, or him?? I will read my new book for advice but just wondered if you guys knew anything about it.

Thanks for the support - it is so, so helpful, really...thank you xxx

Hi Lily

This is just an observation but, it seems to me that everything he is doing he is doing in such a way as to 'push' you into something. He is doing all the name calling, saying all the vile things while you are the one taking all the action as a result of it. He has more or less forced you to end your marriage by refusing to talk like an adult but continually flaunt his 'indiscretion' in your face. I think he may well have forced your hand so that you initiate the divorce because he has no grounds on which to divorce you.

Are you wanting to get the divorce underway straight away?

Because if you are not I would be tempted to leave it for now, concentrate on yourself, your dd, your new place and your new job. Regain your strength, take one step at a time.
I wouldn't play into his hands. I would file for a legal separation instead. That should knock the grin off his bloody face and the chip off his shoulder if he is expecting a divorce

Meanwhile, if he wants a divorce so badly then he will have to serve the papers. It will be interesting to see on what grounds he divorces you. Can you divorce your wife on the grounds of your own adultery???

These men think they are so clever don't they. HA!!

good advice IOHW, you're very wise.

Lily, it's such a rollercoaster but you're doing brilliantly in getting the practicalities sorted.

i know it's a good distraction from the emotional turmoil but it's a credit to you that you're re-organising yourself so well.

would love to know whereabouts in London you're going to be, we must try and hook up when you're back and settled.

so glad that your family are being so supportive. i shall be taking tips from you soon as i'll have a house and a flat to clear and try to stuff into a new flat! am hoping my buyer might be interested in the furniture tho.

your evening out sounds great too - well done.

definately take legal advice, as has been said you don't have to take any action but knowledge is power and at least you can find out where you stand.

take care and hope today is another good day.

Thanks PC

This probably sounds a bit sad but I think all these things through just as I'm falling asleep, I sort you all out in my dreams

If there's no chance of getting togethern then issue a divorce petition for adultery or unreasonable behaviour if that is less controversial. He will not defend an UB petition. That then gives you control of the process but see a lawyer first. Also do all the obvious things like make sure you're not both on joint credit cards and he's charging stuff for entertaining the other woman or unwisely spending and you're both jointly liable. May be make sure he does his bit with child care at weekends so his new lover can see their life won't be lying in until 12noon on Saturdays all lovey dovey but will be dealing with his child at 5am who has been sick and no chance of sex etc.

That's wise advice, Xenia

..but they never do. Usual practice is say the child is all I have left. I will have it 7 days a week as your penalty for sleeping around. They don't realise by giving him a toddler to look after for continuous 48 hour periods he then appreciates what you do and at the same time puts off the girl friend and you get 48 hours to do something fun.