DH has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!

[shockedandsad]

Sorry, have changed name here for the usual reasons.

Have had a tough couple of months at home for one reason or another. This afternoon dh has just told me that he's not sure he wants to stay married to me anymore. He can't give me much more information than that, he just feels like the two of us don't get on like we used to (he cites since dd was born) and he feels we might be better apart.

Although we have had a difficult time, I really haven't felt it's more than that, and that we'd get over it. He has scoffed at this. He says he doesn't know yet whether he wants to give us another try or not. Our sex life has not been good since dd was born, and now we are in a position to right this, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says he doesn't have any answers.

I am shocked, and sad, and don't know what to do. Also having bursts of great anger towards him. Now I'm meant to just sit back and wait for him to decide whether he will grace with the honour of giving it a go. If he doesn't want to, I don't know what I'll do. I love him and want to stay with him. We do have our ups and downs, like anyone, I thought, and I am so shocked that he feels this way. Can't stop crying and poor dd (3)is very concerned. Anyone been in this position?

And I know that most advice on here at this time would be not to contact her, to rise above it, etc. Which is probably correct.

But I cannot tell you to do that seeing as I confronted the ow within a couple of hours of finding out she'd only kissed dh! If I knew the rest then god knows what I'd have done!!

So do whatever makes you feel better. And if you pi* her off so what. And if you pi* him off so what! He's the one with the making up and explaining to do!

But if you can stay calm and focussed and deal with it all rationally that's great.

If you can't, then nobody would blame you for shouting and screaming and letting them both know how you feel!!

for you

OMG!I think he should have cut all ties and contact with her the minute he knew your marriage was on the line asnd certainly shouldn't have repeatedly contacted her.I also would think his friend could wait on Thursday and he should come straight home to you.He really does have it all his way I know you are hurt and this is an awful time but I think you need to give him a kick up the bum.Could you bear to ask him to leave to give you time to think?

Oh dearI too have been and so know what you are going through.
I would contact her - yes it will probably piss him off but so what. You need to show her that you are fighting for what you want and that you will not just go away. If he is using her as a sounding board she will understand how you feel and will give you the reassurances you need. With caution though as when i phoned the ow she said it was over and it wasnt. If sarah really is a friend then she would want him to make a go of his marriage surely, and not cause him any more pain.

You do have to do what feels right for you now and not worry about how he feels how she might feel or what anyone else thinks. You have every right to be angry and upset and he needs to accept this. At least you have some passion for your marriage.
Be brave and get what you want now. You dont want to live like this, and you will ok whatever -know that.

Sending you hugs

You poor thing! Funnily enough my partner went off with a Sarah. Swore to me it was nothing but a bit of flirting when he accidentally sent me a text obviously meant for her. Told me he wanted to work things out and for us to try and that it was all over with her (I was eight months pregnant at the time) On valentines day he sent me flowers and a lovely card saying how glad he was we were working things out and we spent the day decorating the nursery. Something still didn't feel right though and it was only later I discovered he had sent her about 40 texts that day. Every time I was out of the room he was contacting her. How stupid did I feel?!!
It's so hard but you're not alone and you're being really brave - just remember to always trust your instincts no matter what he says. He's got to want it to work and to be prepared to really try including not contacting this girl again. It's not something you can do on your own.

Really hope you are OK - sending lots of love and hugs.

Hi Lily - I've just left a message for you on your original thread asking how things are.

Glad to hear that you;re coping better now - I think the being aloof is much better for you and your DD - it also will make him see what he is missing.

I really hope that this is a blip and that he sorts himself out, he of course has to understand that this has made you evaluate the marriage as to whether you want to carry on.

I know someone who went through a simialr thing (she was also called Sarah! If I ever have another DD I will never call her Sarah now - apologies to any out there who haven;t been and had affairs!!!!), they got through it (though it was very tough) and are now getting married, so it can end happily.

Just wanted to give you some support really.

lily I'm off to bath ds now and get an early night but let us know how you are and I'll catch up in the morning

{{{hugs}}}

xx

How awful. EVen if there were nothing going on you don't spend the night alone at the place of a female friend when you're married, full stop. You don't do it however much you and your wife trust each other.

I think the usual advice is don't leave the house else he might move in when you're away, move Sarah in and change the locks. Happens all the time and then you're in the position of having to start a legal battle to get the house back. Also his child is his responsibility too. What abouts aying - right you've had your 3 days off - here is the child I'm going to London for 3 nights on my own to do some thinking. You are not a babysitter of convenience to him.

Disagree - I would NOT leave your child with him, although I understand where you;re coming from

Disagree - I would NOT leave your child with him, although I understand where you;re coming from

Hard to have all day sex sessions with your new lover with a small child around and nothing better to put a new woman off than showing her that ewekend with being woken all night and then at 5am by a toddler are on the cards if she sticks with new lover boy.... but may not work. I agree.

I agree with xenia why should the man always get away with just walking away and doing what they bloody well like.

MLS - sorry, feel i was quite selfish before after you wrote the most brilliant post. was just fuming after seeing phone bill. How are you doing? Sorry not to have been on more today, hard here with parents as pc is in a bit of a difficult location to escape to. Would really love to chat more though, seems we sadly have a lot in common at the moment. xx

I am sorely tempted to phone Sarah, but am telling myself she might get some sort of twisted kick out of that, and could go crying to dh about it, so won't go there yet.....

noddyholder, i know, it's weird. But it's not meant to be about her, apparently nothing's happened - yet - and so she sort of isn't as relevant as she could be. His friend could definitely wait, but I think the friend will talk sense into him, so if he's going to see him, then I don't mind too much, especially right before our big 4-days together.

hurtwife, sorry you've been through this too. god, how many are there of us, it's so sad . Apparently when he asked Sarah what he should do, she said she couldn't really advise him. Wow, what a great friend!!!

Allysev, curses on all Sarah's hey!! Wow, pregnant, nursery, Valentine's and then that. I take it you're not still with him?

mishw - thanks. Sarah again!?! Perhaps it's all the same girl!!!? Nice to know that had a happy ending though.

Xenia, thanks for the advice. I really don't think it would come to that, but not something I can afford to be naive over, I know. Luckily he is away from the house far more than me due to work. He is happy for me to go out, has really been pretty good about it, especially as he goes out far, far more than I do so knows it's only fair.

Earlier I phoned his best mate in a bit of a state to check whether they were meeting on Thu as he'd texted. Nothing firm arranged, but mate said he was waiting for confirmation. Said he was going to stop him being a baby and talk sense into him, so I'm taking that a positive. We get on well and I think he'd be on 'my side' as it were, though looking for dh's best interests too.

Well, I couldn't help but phone him earlier. Asked why he hadn't called - said he thought it was too late and I'd be getting dd to bed. Nonsense as he never normally considers this, it's not a problem. Asked what the hell he'd texted Sarah about, he said it was just nothing, just rubbishy text talk -"How are you" "In the pub, you?", "yeah same". That sort of nonsense. I shouted a bit and said how dare he call her and not me, and that I wanted him to not contact her anymore. He readily agreed. Didn't expect that. Don't really want to force that on to him, but I think he is currently just being plain stupid. How can he not understand he needs to step away from her? It baffles me.

In the end, he said that if she calls, he'll talk if it's convenient, as he can't tell who's calling currently (being abroad). He said he won't text her, or text her back. He knows I can look at his bill and that I know her numbers.

He was quite buoyant, said he's really enjoying being back at work, so that's great, might make his head come together a bit.

I asked him if he'd had any more thoughts, that he'd sounded more positive yesterday and today, and he just said he didn't know, which was a bit disappointing. So, not so good on the aloof front after my good intentions, but will try and resume that now.

Lily - I've just read this thread and feel so sorry for you and so with your DH. I have no helpful advice at all, but wanted to say I'll be thinking of you, and to wish you luck. You sound like a strong, great person who's handling things as well as anyone could given the situation.

Thanks hassled, that's really kind

You're handling this really well Lily. Keep ging, sounds like you've got more than enough sense to sort this out one way or t'other.

Oh, FIL's lady wasn't a Sarah but it was a tomboy woman (although at 40 old for the term- but you know, DH is 36..... FIL 63!). He's one of the lads too, and met a woman who fitted in. Course, MIL didnt help in that instance (banned every amte from their home for a decade coz one of them once got mud on her carpet ). Not sure thats relevant, but felt I should put it in for sake of fairness LOL!

Hi lily

Absolutely nothing at all to apologise for. I completely understand what you're going through and will help any way I can.

It's good that he's agreed no more contact and that you have the 4 days together this weekend to hopefully do some talking and see what's going on.

Glad you shouted and got angry with him too, it's no less than he deserves. If he wants to swap texts about 'nothing' and 'small talk', he can do it with you! And ask how his child is at the same time!! I think his comment about he'll 'talk if it's convenient' is a cop out. If she calls he should firmly say please don't contact me again. We cannot be friends at this time. Full stop.

She sounds like a complete cow. If she was a genuine friend to him, she would not have said she can't give him any advice!

A genuine friend would admit they cannot tell anyone what to do, I agree. But in this instance a good friend would tell him that at the very least he should get himself back to his wife and baby, face up to his responsibilities, and deal with it all like an adult! That's the least you deserve from you HUSBAND!

Anyway, if you want to talk more I'm here to help. CAT me if you need to. It's a great thing that he's sounding more positive and he seems willing to talk, and listen to what you ask of him, so hopefully that's a good sign.

Let us know how you are today when you get chance xx

Thanks ladies.
Peachy, that's interesting about FIL! And at MIL and the mud!!
mylittlestar - Thanks for more great advice. I couldn't agree more about the texts. She doesn't really know him all that well, hasn't known him too long anyway, but yes, you'd think that that would be handed out as basic advice, wouldn't you

Last night we spoke and again this morning. He is still enjoying immersing himself in work, and both nights have typically included going out till 1am, so I suppose he'll be exhausted at the weekend. This morning he told me he'd texted Sarah last night to tell her I didn't want him to contact her, so he'd have to hold off for now. Apparently she called him this morning to discuss , and (he said) she said that was okay if I was going ballistic.... I said maybe I should phone her then, and he said it wouldn't surprise him . Let's see if he can really not contact her then.

Anyway, I'm just wondering why he is letting me have the 'power' as it were, laying down the rules. Surely this means he is more interested in making things work than he was? Our talks are just chat, nothing too deep. Don't know where we're going to start on Friday / Thursday night. I'm sort of dreading him coming back, if that makes sense? My mum and my best friend don't seem convinced I should necessarily make a go of things, at least without changing things signifcantly. I do want things to change, obviously..... well, we'll see then I guess.

It's not hard to promise not to make calls from one mobile and then buy a pay as you go, borrow a phone or use a call box to call your lover. And he gets to keep you happy too.

Hey lily

he's very manipulative. Calls to tell you he slept on the couch and is all sorry for what he's done (have to say I'm v suspicious on this, why volunteer the info if he didn't get up to or want to get up to something)... texts Sarah to say YOU say he can't stay in touch... throws strops... plans to stay out drinking instead of coming home.

Sounds to me like he is taking no responsibility at all for what he's put you through. Until he does he won't really change anything, it'll always be "oh I meant to come home then but then x said stay for another"... "Sarah says its unfair I can't talk to her anymore" ..."i did my homework but the dog ate it"

Xenia, I totally agree and am prepared for this. However, I still think nothing's happened yet, as he had nothing to lose on Sunday by telling me if they had been having an affair. I have a suspicion she has another phone - 1 work, 1 personal - as everyone in their industry does, and have even picked a number out from the online bill which I think might be just that, and I will call it this afternoon to see if it's her.

However, am still surprised he has agreed to my not-really-firmly-meant suggestion that he not contact her at all..... it's not like him to be like that and keeps me suspicious.

meowmix - I'm guessing he told me he slept on the couch because he wanted me to know nothing had happened. That would fit in with his general tone on Monday, very meek and subdued. Or maybe you're right and that meant that he did sleep with her. I can't know for certain. Feel now like maybe this is reason for his tone . Re. the drinking on Thursday, that's to see his best mate, who I think will tell him to sort himself out and will generally be good for him. The only person he's told is the wretched Sarah and I think it will do him good to have a sounding board. How is it going to sound - he wants to leave me because? He just bought a house with me because? His head gets turned by one girl and that's it, he's off? His mate will give him good balanced advice. The mate likes me, is godfather to dd, and I think will tell him to stop being a twat and make it up to me straight away.

Hi Lily,

It kind of seems that he is calling a lot of the shots here, even when he agrees to things you ask of him, it seems like you can't be sure it's anything to be trusted.

Also, there seems to be a lot of drinking/going out on his part and I can't help but wonder if that's part of the issue - what time do you get to indulge yourself? Is he a heavy drinker?

I hope you find a way through this that you can live with. Don't be wary of having high expectations for you and your dd in the long term, you both deserve it.

Really good luck, I'll watch with interest and hugs to you x

Hi lilybubble

Just read your thread. This all seems like rather odd behaviour from a man who is 'up to no good' He is keeping you informed of everything plus he knows you can check the phone bill. What the heck is he playing at! Do you think that maybe sara is the one doing the chasing, he is flattered and finding himself going along with it but his telling you is a way of making sure you step in and 'reclaim' him before anything serious does happen? Just a thought

Lilybubble - am still so that he's done this to you. He doesn't sound like he's taking much responsibility for his behaviour. Until he chooses to stop contacting her himself and to really make the effort with you without having to be told what to do I would say that his heart isn't in it. Doesn't mean that it won't happen but make sure it really feels right and you don't have a little nasty feeling in the back of your mind. IMO it's always right.

Really hope things do work out for you - good luck for your time together. Hope he's got something good to say for himself!
Lots of hugs

MM, might be right about Sarah doing the chasing- my gut feeling though he is a bit of a bully and gets a kick out of not only having 2 women hanging on, but seeing the pain he is causing you. Either that or it is a very blatant cry for help which it could be. I'd be wary though, there's definitely soe manipulation going on!

Hi Lily,

Sorry this is short as I've spent most of my lunch break reading your thread & need to get back to work now, but just wanted to add my support, especially as I've been going through major trauma with my dp and there are a few similarities. I think you're handling it extraordinarily well, espec your recent phone call with him which sounded very balanced and in control. And your parents sound great!

I too think (hope!!) this is a blip, caused by an early mid-life crisis/new house/no job/new job/too much alcohol. My dp is behaving pretty scarily too for similar reasons, though thank God, there's no 'Sarah' involved and the only close female friend he has is one who would talk some sense into him rather than offer him a couch for the night. In fact, I rather wish he WOULD call her!

I've mixed feelings about the suggestion that you avoid seeing him when he comes back from Dublin - after my last couple of days, I think the sooner you two can get together the better - I tried that over the past couple of days since mine stormed out on Sunday, and yesterday he came home very drunk and said he didn't want to live with me anymore (we bought our house only 6 months ago after living 150 miles apart for years) and that it had been a 6 month experiment that had failed & he felt I'd let him down by reacting badly to his depression on Sunday night. It took a good deal of hard careful talking on my part to bring him round & we sat up late being very kind to each other again - I had to play hard on reminding him that I loved him, and I knew that despite his negativity, he loves me - and MN has certainly helped me feel strong. Again, he's unemployed, depressed, 50-something and feeling useless.

It's a pity men don't talk to each other the way we do - a lot of the anguish they cause themselves and us could be avoided if they could only open up and realise that they as individuals aren't the only ones with sad feelings and problems.

Anyway, must get back to work now - & check up on my thread!

Lots of hugs, I'm thinking of you .