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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!

388 replies

shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 17:04

Sorry, have changed name here for the usual reasons.

Have had a tough couple of months at home for one reason or another. This afternoon dh has just told me that he's not sure he wants to stay married to me anymore. He can't give me much more information than that, he just feels like the two of us don't get on like we used to (he cites since dd was born) and he feels we might be better apart.

Although we have had a difficult time, I really haven't felt it's more than that, and that we'd get over it. He has scoffed at this. He says he doesn't know yet whether he wants to give us another try or not. Our sex life has not been good since dd was born, and now we are in a position to right this, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says he doesn't have any answers.

I am shocked, and sad, and don't know what to do. Also having bursts of great anger towards him. Now I'm meant to just sit back and wait for him to decide whether he will grace with the honour of giving it a go. If he doesn't want to, I don't know what I'll do. I love him and want to stay with him. We do have our ups and downs, like anyone, I thought, and I am so shocked that he feels this way. Can't stop crying and poor dd (3)is very concerned. Anyone been in this position?

OP posts:
Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 18:24

Thanks for your support cathcart - really, really appreciated

OP posts:
dolally · 01/04/2007 18:25

yes, own up to seeing the mobile bill, OR if you're really not comfortable with that, just say you are 99 percent certain he is having an affair,

.. because after all, do you really need to justify or explain YOUR actions?

How awful for you...

willywonkasEgghunt · 01/04/2007 18:26

If you feel up to it you could call the number? If he's with this "friend", they will realise you know the second they see your home number come up on the screen.

cathcart · 01/04/2007 18:27

more {{hugs}}

willywonkasEgghunt · 01/04/2007 18:28

BTW - is there anyone who might be able to take DD for the night? (Realise that's easier said than done because I know I'd struggle in similar circumstances)

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 18:29

willywonka - he won't be with her, we are not in London and she is.

Will definitely ask about it though.

OP posts:
PeachyClair · 01/04/2007 18:32

I dont know if youre aware, but you can go to Relate yourself to work all this through. If you're inclined I would book early as there is often a waiting list.

Personally, I woud front it out with him- say you saw the call, say you need to know if he is intending to start a relationship with this woman. DONT ask if he is having- from what I remember of FIL, mens definitions of relationship can be flexible and bent tofit the requirements. Planning is ahrder to escape.

I would also offer some reassurance though. Several years ago now, before DS3, we were having a goddawful time of it: DH became ill then lost his job; he was having a bit of a midlife too, but more importantly so was I . Coping with everything I suppose. Anyway I ahd a male friend I would talk to on the ophone for ages- nothing ever happened though; it was a self esteem booster / safety net when I was in a panic. That was the year i turned 30, funnily enough. So it might be alright. But it was a very long haul with me- but mind you we were neither in a good palce. Now though we're fine, and we have been for several years. It was a blip- a nasty one, but a blip nonetheless.

dolally · 01/04/2007 18:36

peachy's comments are very sensible, and totally agree with her, if this nightmare doesn't go away today you should go to relate, even if on your own. Cos you will need support. Do hope it is just a blip, and this "friendship" is only a self-esteem boost.

PeachyClair · 01/04/2007 18:45

One thing that it is worth holding on to in this and repeating is that you will never be a loser in this.

Either your marriage will work

Or you will emerge, with a lovely DD, in the clear knowledge that you are better off without a faithless idiot of a partner, ready to begin life anew.

Granted it won't be easy, but do remember this.

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 19:03

THanks so much peachy, really kind words.

He's back. I asked who he phoned, he said "Oh, spoke to Sarah briefly" , so I said I knew it was 30 mins. He insists nothing happening with her. I am inclined to believe him, I don't know why. More like going to happen if anything, but he says not - though I know he can lie.

I WILL try Relate tomorrow, see if they can see me.

He came in, offered me a drink, which he got, but is just quite prickly and doesn't really want to talk. He is totally rubbish at talking / feelings / anything emotional anyway.

The thought of starting over as a single mum, at the age of 33 is terrifying. So not where I ever saw myself - although obviously nobody sees themselves there, I know. Wish I could stop crying, it's upsetting dd. Am tempted to run off to my parents in a way, I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 19:05

Also, thanks for that about male friend, Peachy. I have male friends, so do understand a bit. He says he told her everything but says she didn't know what to do. With any luck this will be a blip, though I am now having moments of wishing it just over and done with. Feel so hurt.

Yes, dolally, I agree re. relate and will definitely try to go, you're right, thanks.

OP posts:
willywonkasEgghunt · 01/04/2007 19:07

Can't believe that he's landed a bombshell like this and then expects not to talk about it. You deserve to have some answers even if he doesn't feel that he owes anything to your relationship.

PeachyClair · 01/04/2007 19:08

You know 33 isn't that old- same age as me in fact. We completely threw in our life two years ago, moved and I started Univerisity (2 years in now). IN fact, early 30's are a fabulous time to start something new!!

willywonkasEgghunt · 01/04/2007 19:08

Sorry. Last posting is very confrontational rather than helpful. I'm just so about the position you've been put in

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 19:14

Willywonka - you didn't seem confrontational, don't worry. He says he doesn't have any answers to give me.

Peachy - I know 33 isn't old, it just feels old to be starting again. We were planning to try for another baby this summer, and now this. A typical reaction I'm sure from anyone facing rejection.

I don't know how to act around him now, feel like ignoring him, to proving my worth, just don't know. Am really, really cross with him now though for dealing with it so cack-handedly. Arrrrrgh

OP posts:
PrincessPeaHead · 01/04/2007 19:23

If I were you and you want to know for sure, I'd try and get hold of his mobile. While he is asleep or something. Look at the text messages. I'm afraid I think "Sarah" sounds deeply suspicious but at least if you look at the texts and there is something there, you'll know.
I'm really sorry SAS, I don't think this looks good. And as for him dropping a bombshell, saying relate would be pointless, saying there is nobody else "yet" and then going to the pub - well it doesn't sound like he is thinking about YOU at all in this, that's all I can say.
x

doormat · 01/04/2007 19:28

yes have been there and we eventually divorced (thankfully when i seen the light)

sorry bt he is an arse
he wants to carrot dangle your life and marriage coz he doesnt know which way to turn

whether there is anyone else or not
he is an arse

get some dignity and self respect and kick his fat stinking arse out until he either commits or feels like he doesnt want to

sorry if i seem a bit harsh but some men just piss me right off when they start carrot dangling

this is your feelings and life ffs
get rid and start getting back in control

good luck
xxx

bellarosa · 01/04/2007 19:32

Hi there,

It really sounds like his self esteem is the issue, male pride etc. Whilst he's off partying does he have a thought to you and dd? are you just expected to cope on your own with her until he decides to put in an appearance?
My dh does similar, just rampaging off on a bender
without a care in the world as if we dont exist. It can be very hurtful and i'm not surprised that youve got so many conflicting emotions going on inside you.

I would tell him how you feel so that you are being true and not playing any games, which are easy to get into when confronted with a situation like this.
You dont have to accept his irresponsible and selfish baehaviour.

hugs to you x

bermudatriangle · 01/04/2007 19:54

Have you told him what you have said here? I mean sitting down, making sure that he will listen and telling him your fears, what your hopes for the future are, and what parts of his behaviour upset you?
If he doesn't even have the decency to have a calm, 2 sided discussion about your relationship, then that's a big problem.

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 21:16

Looks like he wants out. Is now saying he wants dd to live with him, which is the biggest joke ever as he can barely cope with her for 5 minutes

OP posts:
Fubsychicksnbunnies · 01/04/2007 21:21

Hi SAS, sorry to read this. Going through something similar with my DP. Hes at the pub now, I asked him to go as he was pissing me off so much.

He wont talk about it, just sits there while I talk, then tells me Im telling him what he feels etc. I dont think he has a clue how he feels himself.

Sorry, no help at all, but I know its awful.

Blu · 01/04/2007 21:23

oh, bloody hell, S&S.

How dare he think he can go and take dd with him? If he wants to live with DD he has to stay in her home.

Really sorry to read about all this. But practical matters - does dd have a passport? If so, hide it. If not, hide her birth certificate (having noted that he is Australian).

So sorry.

I think he is being a right bastard, and I am very suspicious of the role of 'Sarah'. DP and I both have good friends of the opposite sex - we never have to leave the house to talk to them
out of earshot.

Have you got a freind near by? You need a freind just now.

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 21:34

Fusby, sorry you too are having a hard time, it really is tough isn't it.

Blu, thank you. I have been suspicious of Sarah for a little while as he has always been cagey about her. He admits now that he likes her, though nothing has happened.

He is now angry with me that I think he has made this decision on a whim.

Have phoned my parents who are upset and angry. They want to come and get me, bless them.

How do we sell the house? How can I get a job and get dd to a nursery? Where do we live? I am horrified at what has to be done.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/04/2007 21:40

If he wants DD to live with him, he might find it somewhat difficult to piss off down the pub when he feels like it.

I think you should ask him to leave, and make up his mind outside of your home. If he wants to be with you - then he can come back.

Why should you tiptoe around on eggshells in your own home? This shouldnt be some kind of test for you - this is about him deciding what he wants.

Blu · 01/04/2007 21:41

Hold on through the long night.

You still may not be at selling house stage, though if they are of the helpful kind,a few days being looked after by your parents may be no bad thing.

Has he said he is going, and going for good?

Nothing has to be done now. Your parents are rigt to be angry, you have been badly treated, and I am glad that there is someone who loves you who is angry on your behlaf.

He has pulled a classic. Blaming you and getting angry at you. Take no notice. You have not done wrong, and what is getting under his skin is his conscience.

He was being a total bastard, giving you that amount of worry wothout being fully straight or honest about the facts. He is also being v immature.

NOTHING is your fault.

Could you let your parents get you?