DH has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!

[shockedandsad]

Sorry, have changed name here for the usual reasons.

Have had a tough couple of months at home for one reason or another. This afternoon dh has just told me that he's not sure he wants to stay married to me anymore. He can't give me much more information than that, he just feels like the two of us don't get on like we used to (he cites since dd was born) and he feels we might be better apart.

Although we have had a difficult time, I really haven't felt it's more than that, and that we'd get over it. He has scoffed at this. He says he doesn't know yet whether he wants to give us another try or not. Our sex life has not been good since dd was born, and now we are in a position to right this, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says he doesn't have any answers.

I am shocked, and sad, and don't know what to do. Also having bursts of great anger towards him. Now I'm meant to just sit back and wait for him to decide whether he will grace with the honour of giving it a go. If he doesn't want to, I don't know what I'll do. I love him and want to stay with him. We do have our ups and downs, like anyone, I thought, and I am so shocked that he feels this way. Can't stop crying and poor dd (3)is very concerned. Anyone been in this position?

s&s, I agree with the others who've said it may well be a blip. That's what I'm hoping about us, tho still to early and scary to talk with any confidence.

Brief update with what's happened here over last 3 weeks. Found out, asked him to leave. During week away I went through I hate him, how could he, he's treated me like shit, he can fuck off, through to definitely divorce, through we can do this amicably (divorce) through to I still love him, and the boyys have missed him terribly, to by end of week resolving to give it a go, Me & the boys deserved that I at least try.

So at end of week he returned, at my invitation. He agreed he would cut all contact with her & that we both would try to fix things.

Coming so close so suddenly and shockingly to the end of my marriage made me realise even more how much I love him and how crazy it would be to end it. I also feel really positive that at least good can come of it.

We have written a list of what we each want to change within our mariage (eg go out more, less tv, I want him to show me & my role as sahm more respect, I will start maybe to go back to work etc etc)

you can chart the progress on the 1st thread i mentioned, plus a 2nd entitled ernest et al, how do you get over the affair or something like that

The best piece of advice I can give is don't make any rush decision - act in haste repent later and all that.

I also am finding the book 'divorce busting' by Michele Weiner-Davis excellent, and have also had a few marriage guidance sessions which have been sort of useful.

hope this all helps. best wishes.

Thanks again everyone. I asked him not to come in, he literally just needed his passport and contract, so I left them in a bag outside for him and he called when nearby as arranged so I could make sure dd not around. I saw him through window, though was on phone. He gestured that he would call me - on the phone earlier he'd said he would call when he got to the airport (rather more keen than usual I thought).

Ernest, my goodness. It sounds very similar in a lot of ways. It seems like you are being so strong and behaving in a really calm rational way, and that he really seems to respect that.

Garnet, sorry to hear what you went through. I take it you're not back together? Thanks for the CAT offer, and Ernest too. I'm not signed up yet, but do plan to do so.

I am going to go to my parents for a couple of days, and at the moment do plan to be back here in time for him being home on Thu. Who knows what will happen before then. I'm really glad he will have space away from the wretched Sarah and other alcohol-obsessed sidekicks, and will have some time to think. I am really hoping this is just a blip, it does seem more possible today. It was good to hear him much more like himself rather than so angry and defensive.

Really pleased to hear that you've opted to stay with your parents for a couple of days. Emotional crises are so physically draining that you can only benefit from the opportunity to have some genuine rest when your body allows (usually not at night as your mind will be in overtime). You will feel much more able to interact positively with dd, which is important for both of you right now, and also that bit stronger for when dh returns. Can only send you very best wishes x

WEll done for keeping him out of the house.
Hope that made him think.
Aloof seems very very good.

Do you have internet access at your parents?

Oh, thank heavens for your parents.

SAS sorry to hear this has taken such a darmatic turn since yesterday, I hve to say I am quite surprised- though not dismayed, i think it would have been far worse if allowed to fester, no matter which way the events go. I dopn't hink its over for you yet, I do think you need to give very careful considerration before you make any decisiona about whether you could ever trust him again, given his appallingly childlike behaviour.

I mentioned right at the start that my FIL used the 'not yet' thing when he was about to start an affair; I will fill those deatils in and say that he did leave MIL, after 35 years of amrriage, 40 years together. He is now enaged to the 'other woman' but MIl has severe personality issues and made life very ahrd for him all that time, something I doubt you will have done. The crux was when she sold the house he was raised in (something precious as he was adopted after being abandoned as a toddler) from under him to move to a new place just 100 yards away.

What I have learned from watching all this happen is that you have now to look after yourelf: passport / bank statements / birth certificates / marriage certificates etc in an envelope and given to your mother, should you come home and find yourself locked out. Grab every penny you can and put in an acocunt in YOUR name- I remember MIL going to get cash for food and finding he ahd just emptied the account; most advice we found for MIL stated do nto leave the house in case they come in and change the locks- whats to stop your Mum coming to stay with you though, perhaps?

Most of all, though, look after yourself mentally- remember to eat / etc as you will nede that strength one way or the other.

At my parents now - dd ordering them around, and splashing in paddling pool, it's such a lovely day.

Yes, internet access here thank god!

My goodness, Peachy, what a situation for you with MIL and FIL. All sounds horribly sad. Thanks for advice re. personal things. My dad now has both dd's passports, and I will make safe the rest when I get back.

Had a chat to him about an hour ago. He was really rather meek and sad, so I grabbed the chance to get firm. Told him he should come home after work on Thursday night. He said "Oh I might go for a few drinks and come home early Friday", and I told him no way, he'd have to come back that night, not get wasted and come back the next day in a state yet again. He agreed readily. . I said he should have a good hard think this week, throw himself into work, call his best mate and tell him all about it (very sensible, level-headed guy who will tell him to stop being such a complete tosspot and get his act together, I think...). I asked him to not spend any time with Sarah while all this is going on, as it's not fair on me, dd, him, or even her. Again, he agreed readily. I told him we should take dd out somewhere lovely at the weekend, cancel the family plans we had (my parents coming for lunch) and use the 4 days to make some decisions. He again, agreed! Said we should think about the things we want to happen to make us all happy, perhaps moving back to London, anything, and he seemed keen on that plan. I asked if he wanted to add anythign to that, and he said yes - sorry. Well, gobsmacked, as that doesn't come from his mouth all that often. I was very gracious - and aloof! - and said I would speak to him once he got to his hotel later.

I feel this was really positive, am really pleased. My dad told me to try and stop crying last night, for dd's sake (nicely!) and I have, and I feel much stronger. Maybe cos it's daytime, I have company and the sun is out, and thanks in a very large part to all the advice on here. I know there's a hell of a long way to go, whatever happens, but knowing I can come here and speak to you lovely ladies is such a huge help, really. Sorry to get soppy, but I was thinking about it in the car on the way here. You've already helped me so much.

Oh, and going to stop hiding behind a silly name, and go back to the real me. I shouldn't think any of you have heard of me anyway as I've not been all that regular. Am lilybubble - hello!

sound scarily like me, lol.

hope the few days will help you think, and him of course.

be strong. It's gonna be ok. well done. aloof is good.

Aw lilybubble I've only just seen this so haven't had a chance to read through it all yet.

I hope you're ok? {{{{{hugs}}}}}

You sound like you're doing great and your parents sound lovely too.

I have to rush off to get ds in a minute but I will try to get on later tonight and read it all through and then I will post properly!

Lots of love

Message withdrawn

lol, Dior, I knew you'd clocked me from other thread, and just made me ask why I was changing name, a bit pointless really.

hi mylittlestar, how are you? How was Fri night in London?? And then Sat night? How are things? Yes, things have taken a sudden turn for the worse here

ernest, have read some of your threads. Am going to wait until a bit later and try and read it properly, probably when dd is in bed (and I can have a good blub!)

Thats what my DH said to me, then a few weeks later admitted 2 affairs!

Oh lilybubble, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I am pleased you have such a supportive family to take care of you though.x

Lilybubble, do you mean a sudden turn for the worse after your 15.46 post?

Aloof is very very good - well done. And well done for being so clear and assertive.

You will have wobbly moments, but remember how aloof feels and get back there when you can!

Hi Lily just finished reading through this thread. Not sure what more to say. The phone call sounded positive though and maybe some time apart will give you both chance to reevaluate things.

Blu, not sure what you mean by sudden turn for the worse, sorry??

Jellynump, so sorry - blimey, 2 affairs, how the hell did he manage that?! Are you okay?

glad you are feeling stronger and slightly more in control, i hope it all works out for you > really do

s&s or whatever your name is now! first time today I've had a chance to catch up with you. Keep strong, by the sounds of things he needs you more than you need him!!

Lots of love.

LB - oh, just because you said it to MyLittleStar at 16.42. was concerned that something 'more new' had happened.

lily/shockedand sad
so much love to you and so glad youre at your parents, you did brilliantly to be firm to him - i have high hopes after reading your words about the weekend and whatever happens you seem to be finding a lot of courage within - hugs hugs and more hugs to you and good luck for this weekend
and hoorah for your parents and sister
and to all you lovely mumsnetters who supported youo
through this, what a wonderful bunch you are - and how amazing MN is.

Hi lily

How are you today?

I had a read through all of this last night but I couldn't post as it really affected me. To be honest I felt sick at some of the things I read and it really brought everything flooding back for me. You're doing amazingly well. I really admire you.

A couple of things in particular - the fact that you just felt it was a difficult time that you could get through (as I did) whereas in the background, dh has built the problems up in his head to the extent that he's not sure the marriage can work and not sure if he even wants to try. That kills me. It's identical to what dh said to me.
Then we're just supposed to sit around and wait until they decide if they wish to give things another try or not

Also, it's identical that he was about to turn 30, we were also having a difficult period in our lives, and dh seemed to think it was all about him, all about how he was struggling (conveniently forgetting I was half of the relationship and having a hard time too!), and then when it all manifested itself it came out against me. Like I was actually the problem. Not the job issues, new home, new baby, family trouble, death in the family.... no, it was me!

Anyway, what scares me from your posts is his relationship with Sarah. I may be completely off the mark, but his closeness to her seems too much and the fact that he rung her the minute he left you, then stayed over etc - it just doesn't feel right to me. Why her? Why does he need this emotional closeness to someone he's attracted to? What about his friends and family? (I'm just not sure I believe in a purely platonic friendship when there is attraction there.)

But anyway, the fact that he's being quite open and honest about her is a good sign. But if it were me I'd actually want him to cool the friendship whilst you get through this patch. If he needs a shoulder to cry on, if he needs to talk, if he needs to get things off his chest, or if he needs to sit and get completely drunk and fall asleep - he can do it with YOU!

My dh swore to me it was not about seeing anyone else and it was purely about us. Even until the day before I found out about the affair I'd have defended him to ANYONE. He's a good person deep down and I truly truly belived he's never do that to me. But he'd built our problems up that much in his head that he really couldn't see a future for us at that point in time, and therefore, he allowed the affair to happen.

As you know, it took me to find out, and him to basically lose me, before he realised that he actually had what he wanted in the first place!

I've been through all the emotions of not knowing if I can be with someone who's said all these hurtful things. Not wanting to 'beg' him to come back. But needing him to want to come back and try himself. Wanting to show him what he's missing. But then just wanting to shout and get angry at the selfishness of it all!

(I'm crying just writing this.)

I think you've done the right thing in getting some space and some support at your parents. And also taking some control of the situation and staying strong with him on the phone.

The only advice I can offer at this point is to talk, talk and talk some more and get everything out in the open.

Discuss how it's got to this stage, exactly what's wrong, and most importantly, what you can both do to start putting things right and make sure you're both happy. It may mean some lifestyle changes. Another move. Whatever it might be. But if you both want the same thing and are working towards it together then I'm certain you can get there.

Just please don't make the mistake I did of giving him too much space. If something doesn't feel right, or a situation bothers you, then you have every right to speak up and ask that he respects your wishes at this difficult time.

There's so much I could write. I feel for you so much. And I am just so that men think they can do this sort of thing and get away with it then we are always left looking for the solutions and picking up the pieces.

Just make sure you realise that it's not your fault this has happened. If he hadn't buried his head in the sand and had spoken up about his concerns then it would have never got to this stage. Let him start to tell you how he now plans to put things right and how he intends to go about doing it.

Stay strong. CAT me if you want to and I will be there to help any way I can.

mylittlestar, thanks so much for that wonderful message. The similarities are striking, aren't they. It has instantly got me more worried about Sarah too, given that your husband's behaviour was identical. He doesn't tend to open up to people, he is quite tough, rugby-playing Aussie, and has always been like that. I've been teasing him about her for a while, he tends to form friendships with girls who are 'one of the lads', and she does seem to be this. He has had a few of these friendships since I've known him, usually colleagues and they just fizzle out and the next one starts. I can't say I've always liked it but I've got used to it. God, reading your post again I just can't believe how similar this all is. Yes, I am just as angry as you are about the "not sure I want to try at our marriage", the trying to make it all my fault, the fact that HE'S not happy, never mind anyone else.

I agree it's good he's been open about her, now at least, but now I'm wondering if it's the truth.

I've just looked at the online mobile bill again, and seen that yesterday, he contacted her 8 times, either text or phone. He contacted me 7 times.

Even more bizarrely, he has calls to her through Sunday evening, when this all happened, up till midnight, when I'm sure he should already have been there, that's all a bit odd.

I am literally shaking with anger now. Yesterday I made him promise not to stay with her, which he agreed, and I was quite proud of myself that I hadn't told him not to talk to her. Now I feel like a f*cking mug. I am tempted to call him right now, but not certain it would achieve much as I'll just shout, which maybe wouldn't help. I'm also tempted to to phone HER, the interfering little druggo.

This, on top of the fact that he asked me to call him in his hotel last night, which I did, and he then said he had to go to meet new boss and would call later. He didn't but he fucking well texted her 5 times after that. Only contact today is a text just now from him, saying he might get home late on Thursday as he wants to meet his best mate for a drink. If it IS Jason, then fair enough, but now I'm imagining it's her!! God I am so angry again now!!! SO tempting to call and scream.......................

i really dont know what to say,
he has been away -you and him have problems and he isnt going to come straight home to see you and your little one> i would be fuming you have every right to be angry...

Oh lily I really feel for you and I know exactly what you're going through.

He's contacting her a hell of a lot considering she's just a friend.

Remember that it could all be totally innocent and he's using her as a sounding board and to boost his ego. It could be as simple as that.

But at the same time you must trust your instincts. That's what they're there for.

He has some major explaining to do I think. Stay strong. Make him do the talking. And FWIW I'd ask him, out of respect for your marriage at this diffcult time, to stop contacting her. If it's innocent he'll have no objections for now. That will just give you both some space to get through this without the added complications

xx