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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!

388 replies

shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 17:04

Sorry, have changed name here for the usual reasons.

Have had a tough couple of months at home for one reason or another. This afternoon dh has just told me that he's not sure he wants to stay married to me anymore. He can't give me much more information than that, he just feels like the two of us don't get on like we used to (he cites since dd was born) and he feels we might be better apart.

Although we have had a difficult time, I really haven't felt it's more than that, and that we'd get over it. He has scoffed at this. He says he doesn't know yet whether he wants to give us another try or not. Our sex life has not been good since dd was born, and now we are in a position to right this, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says he doesn't have any answers.

I am shocked, and sad, and don't know what to do. Also having bursts of great anger towards him. Now I'm meant to just sit back and wait for him to decide whether he will grace with the honour of giving it a go. If he doesn't want to, I don't know what I'll do. I love him and want to stay with him. We do have our ups and downs, like anyone, I thought, and I am so shocked that he feels this way. Can't stop crying and poor dd (3)is very concerned. Anyone been in this position?

OP posts:
hitchcock · 01/04/2007 21:42

love to you xxxxx

longwaytogoandabitfurther · 01/04/2007 21:47

All i'm going to say is don't let him mess you around we have just split after 20 months of him telling me that he loves me and wants me and 4 dc after having an affair, now he says he doesn't love me and just stayed because he felt it was the right thing to do.

So I would say, sort out your head, decide what you want and go with it. You will be strong, you will be ok.

Although I don't feel it atm I know I will be eventually

hugs

snowwonder · 01/04/2007 21:56

my ex dp did that to me said he wasnt happy and wanted to leave then left me sobbing to go and phone her to tell her he told me!!!

but i didnt find this out till 2 months later!!! he told me he had to pop to his mums!!!

i really feel for you it is so so hard, i know i am single mum to 2 through no choice of my own it was all his doing, he didnt wamnt to try to save our family, and i do believe that if she hadnt of been around then he would have given us a chance we had nothing to lose what would 6 months trying be compared to not trying and a whole family is destroyed,
but he kept saying he has got to want to try and not be pressured by me,

this was 18 months ago and it does still make me sad to think about it all i begged him to stay for 3 months sometimes i regret this and other times i think well at least he will always know that i wanted to save us.

Just try and stay one step ahead of him, i really wish you all the best whatever the outcome,

charlottegeorgiaolivermums · 01/04/2007 21:57

SAS

Agree with Blu why this is up in the air you should hide important documents just in case it goes wrong.

I also think the call to Sarah is weird as he called her once he had left your presence for 30min's. He told you he hadn't spoken to anyone is this true? no because he told her - why?

This may just all be a mid-life issue but if not make sure your one step ahead - documents hidden, account details copied etc etc - hopefully you'll never need them as everything will sort itself out but if not you need to ensure you and dd are together and ok.

snowwonder · 01/04/2007 21:58

sorry to hear that long way to go, ++++

i remember you on one of my threads when it was all happening, i was sanchpanch then.

hugs to you

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 22:02

Blu - No he hasn't said he is going for good, but I can tell his mind is as good as made up. He's talking about him paying x and y, and then giving me back my savings which I used to buy this house (we've lived here for 9 weeks, it's the first place we've owned). He ahs clearly thought about it and does intend to do it.

He is just so angry atm, but I can't see how he thought things have been so bad for so long that he will write all of it off.

He is off to Dublin tomorrow, so that space will be good. My mum has just called to tell me they are picking dd and me up tomorrow, which I'm quite glad about.

VVV - yes, quite re. the pub! That is just such a joke it's ridiculous. I think that was putting the frighteners on me as I can't imagine him doing that in a hundred years.

Thanks so much for the support, you are wonderful.....

OP posts:
doormat · 01/04/2007 22:08

sas start stashing money away asap
do u both have a joint account
well start emptying it

snowwonder · 01/04/2007 22:10

is he going to dublin for work?

batters · 01/04/2007 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 22:15

Sorry, slow last post as on phone in the middle.

Hitchcock - thanks.
longwaytogo - So sorry you have had to go through that, what a nightmare. That's one thing I'm worrying about, that he will stay and it won't be for the right reasons and we'll split up later anyway.
snowwonder- god what a bastard he was!

He has just said he's going now instead of tomorrow (for Dublin) to go and see f*cking Sarah RIGHT NOW!!!! WHat a total tosspot

OP posts:
pinkchampagne · 01/04/2007 22:16

Can't add much to the brilliant advice on this thread, but just wanted to say I'm really sorry you are going through all this.
I am pleased you have the support of your parents though. I hope they can help you through this.
Take care.x

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/04/2007 22:16

Tell him to pack enough so that he doesnt come back - and to hand over his house keys.

Blu · 01/04/2007 22:17

9 weeks???

Look, ignore everything he says like this. He can't just swan about making decisions about what may or may not happen re house and dd! He's got another thnk coming and no mistake!

I am very pleased your parents are coming.

Hold tight til then.

batters · 01/04/2007 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

longwaytogoandabitfurther · 01/04/2007 22:18

hi snowwonder men are pants and should all be shot at birth, except for my ds of course

Blu · 01/04/2007 22:19

Yes, let him go, tell him to pack plenty and to definitley hand over the keys.

Soapbox · 01/04/2007 22:21

Oh Sh*t - this doesn't sound good at all

It sounds like he has been up to no good with F*cking sarah!

Why do these men do it? Why can't they keep their dicks in their pants? Ripping their families apart for the sake of a shag!

Anyway, I hope you find hte strength to get through teh next few weeks/months. Just cling on to the fact that it isn;t all over until the fat lady sings - and that won;t be for a while yet! Men often behave like complete dicks but they don't always end up leaving their OHs. Of course, it is up to you to decide whether you would want to keep him in your life, even if he decides to stay. Frankly, I think you can do better - but you do have your DD to consider and that counts for a lot IMO!

In the meantime, I hope you manage to find a peaceful place in the midst of all this turmoil

Blu · 01/04/2007 22:22

Remember , you have not manufactured this convenient rage he has conjoured up just now. he has done it so that he can eff off without feeling guilty. Very cowardly of him, very immature, and very very dishonest.

And I think he has confirmed the true role of Sarah. .

Tell him he had better contact you to see whn he can see his dd, because you may be away for a while when he returns from his work trip.

Blu · 01/04/2007 22:24

I agree with Soapbox about the longer term.

Inthink it is significant that he is 30 this year.

But not at all noice for you right now.

He is being a complete jerk.

So sorry.

noddyholder · 01/04/2007 22:26

Call his bluff and say you have been unhappy and unsettled with things too.Don't let him have all the power he sounds so childish tbh

snowwonder · 01/04/2007 22:29

how dare he, he has a child with you and is swanning off to spend time with someone else,
really feel for you i am crying here as this brings back so many memory's,

i really hope you find the strength to get what you want, and dont let him walk all over you,

i am a bit sad this weekend anyway as he has never wanted me to know where he lives with her, and yesterday i went a different route to somewhere and i passed his brand new house, you cant miss his truck thing he drives, and my dd recognised it and said daddy's house, i have a pocky house with 3 of us and they have big brand new house with 2 of them, i always feel that he has moved on so much more than me

ScoobyDooooo · 01/04/2007 22:32

I am so sorry you are having to go through this what a total toss pot!

I can not actually believe he has said he is leaving a day early so he can go & see Sarah is he for real?

Tell him to pack all of his clothes & that you may be away when he returns.

It really does make me so so when these men think the grass is greener on the other side, it truly is not but they sacrifice there families for these slags!

I know it is hard but please try & be strong you have had some great advice here & i hope you find the strength.

By the way you are not old at 33 years you have a whole life ahead of you

I actually can not believe he brought a house with you 9 weeks ago he must have been feeling like this then this can not of come oon all of a sudden?

snowwonder · 01/04/2007 22:32

dont let him blame you like blu said- my ex said it was becuse i hadnt said i love you to him the week before and he felt abbandoned - tosspot

ScoobyDooooo · 01/04/2007 22:33

I would do what noddyholder has suggested too i HATE this power thing with men grrr

ScoobyDooooo · 01/04/2007 22:34

I would do what noddyholder has suggested too i HATE this power thing with men grrr

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