DH has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!

[shockedandsad]

Sorry, have changed name here for the usual reasons.

Have had a tough couple of months at home for one reason or another. This afternoon dh has just told me that he's not sure he wants to stay married to me anymore. He can't give me much more information than that, he just feels like the two of us don't get on like we used to (he cites since dd was born) and he feels we might be better apart.

Although we have had a difficult time, I really haven't felt it's more than that, and that we'd get over it. He has scoffed at this. He says he doesn't know yet whether he wants to give us another try or not. Our sex life has not been good since dd was born, and now we are in a position to right this, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says he doesn't have any answers.

I am shocked, and sad, and don't know what to do. Also having bursts of great anger towards him. Now I'm meant to just sit back and wait for him to decide whether he will grace with the honour of giving it a go. If he doesn't want to, I don't know what I'll do. I love him and want to stay with him. We do have our ups and downs, like anyone, I thought, and I am so shocked that he feels this way. Can't stop crying and poor dd (3)is very concerned. Anyone been in this position?

tell him to fuck off, leave his stuff on the front garden and tell him that he will still be expected to pay the mortgage and child support.

tell him he has a fat arse and sex was crap - thats why you didn't bother.

tell him he will have a role in your childs life - if you hae to drag him kicking and screaming

and you hope that sarah will be able to put up with him - on the up and up - with the real problems and baggage of adulthood.

then tell him you have been e-mailing anthony ( pronounce the 'th') a guy you met in xxxxxxx name a place and a year. you only held off becuase of the santity of your marriage - but if were all 'fucking' free now - well "darling don't think i am going to be sat alone twiddly my thumbs and ruing my demise!"

S&S - the more this goes on, the more of a total arse he becomes. Can't believe that he's so angry. What the f*ck does he have to be angry about? And I don't know whether to be more aghast at the fact he is leaving tonight to see his new "friend" or that he's demanding custody of dd. It's beyond words.

It's now totally down to what you want to do. The advice on this thread is bang on, esp about travel documents, account info etc. It's also good to know that you have such a loving family who will support you through everything, however it pans out.

I'm just so sorry that you have had your world turned upside down in a matter of hours by a conniving bastard who seems to hold your feelings with such little regard. Keep strong

He sounds a total t*sser, I have to say! I can't believe he is running to this Sarah!

Yes I have been in the same situation as you. I am 18 months down the line from you and I am surviving. There have been ups and there have been downs, but I'm 'G'etting 'T'hrough 'I't. Gtimama. (not a souped up model as GTI implies).

There was a guy on the radio once who had been married something like 70 odd years and the interviewer asked him how he had stayed married that long and he said we never fell out of love at the same time. Some people are able to work through their partner not being in love with them. Some of us are not able to. Only you know whether yours is worth fighting for.

Don't worry about the practicalities of living alone with your child yet. It is possible for you to deal with all these issues. See my posts to Ifonlyhewould on her thread Anyone left their DP/DH knowing it was for the best but still being in love with him. Believe me the emotional side is the hardest to deal with. If you continue to post all of us on MN with help you through.

Nab Chancery's spirit while it's on offer!

And she is dead right about the fact that he will be expected to pay the mortgage and child supposrt!! She really is!

Shockedandsad - just read the whole post, which I hadn't before my last comment.

You are only 33 - not at all old. I'm 46 with three children. None of us in this situation ever believed we would be, but it really is not so bad. Sometimes it is lovely. The hard parts are all the parts that involve ex-partner actually.

There is life after marriage breakdown, especially if you are only 33!

I know your heart is breaking at the moment, but you can and will get through it. You have a beautiful DD to take care of. Show her what a strong and independant woman you are. Teach her that she can rely on you always.

Message withdrawn

Agree about bank account, documents and keys. Don't worry, dd will stay with you.
Divorcing my dh now and he has done stupid desperate things over cash and contact, all solveable but pain in the bum.

S&S, at 33 you are slip of a girl with bright future ahead of you once stupid idiot is behind you. Sarah's welcome to him. You'll meet someone else if that's what you want. Meantime you have lovely peach dd. It gets easier, honest.

Don't think I've ever come across a single single mum who isn't happier for being on her own instead of with a bloke who just wasn't up to it.

xx

pmsl at anthony, Chancery.
I have never been in this exact situation sas, but I know how difficult it is when you love someone but you know you should leave. It is such a difficult situation. YOu have to be so so strong, but your at least you have your lovely mum and dad. Some people`s mums & dads are useless (mine for example). But yours seem to really be the rock you can lean on. This means you have a safe place where you can sort out your thoughts and put then in order.

Oh SaS!
Thought of you through the night and am so sorry to wake up this morning and see how things have panned out for you.
I know it must be soooo hard but now that things have turned out this way, and given his stinking attitude (wtf is HE angry about?), you are going to be so much happier when you don't have to live like this. You are going to have some hard times I know, but you are going to come through this and you will be so much happier without having him to worry about. No one should be treated this way and you deserve some respect.
Try not to even think about 'how will I manage £/jobs/nursery etc?', - you just will! You WILL manage, the practical things always have a way of working out and it sounds like you have a really supportive mum and dad who will be there for you and dd. Have the next couple of days to take your time thinking about what your next steps will be. You are bound to feel hurt and angry beyond belief but try not to let dd see these feelings - he is still her daddy and things will be easier for her, now and when she is grown up, if she kept unaware of all the details. She will be the thing that keeps you up at the moment and the happier she is the more positive you will feel.

Hi, sas, really feel for you, and have an inkling of what you're going through. 3 weeks ago I found out my dh was having an affair. At least for me custody wasn't an issue and he at least came clean and (I assume) told me the truth.

I asked him to leave for the week so I had space to think, he asked loads of times for me to reconsider, but I uncharacteristically stuck to my guns and will always be glad I did. As your h is going to Dublin you'll essentially have that space. Whe he was gone, I photocopied every document I could find (bank statements, tax returns, salary statement etc), hid the passports, brushed up on our financial situation as I didn't have a clue, opened my own bank account, opened a new secret email account so could communicate privately. The advice I got on here was fab. You can read the thread (oh no, not another, just found out...) Loads of really helpful advice.

I'm only 3 weeks further down this horrible line than you, so if you want to cat me please do so. It was as much of a shock for me as for you. I realised things weren't as sparkling as they were before, but still thought we were essentially happy.

I really wish you the strength to cope with this, likely to be the biggest challenge of your life. You will get through it, and you've got the best support network behind you. Us lot. xxx

Hi sas, I didn't see this yesterday. How are things this morning ? Has DH gone ?

How are things this morning, S&S?
Thinking of you.

OMG, can't believe how many of you have posted, thank you so much. Sorry to suddenly go last night but my best friend called from Australia so had 90 mins on phone to her, then parents arrived at midnight, and up till 3am with them.

CHarlottegeorgiaoliversmum - thanks, have done that re passports. When he came back from pub I asked who he'd called, he said Sarah, briefly, and I said I knew it was 30 mins. He said he wanted to talk to someone and she seemed the best bet

doormat - no joint account. He went and got me £200 last night, without being asked and said he'd give me more. Again
snowwonder - yes, Dublin is for work, he starts new job today and has training over there. God, so sorry about your ex, and spotting his car today, am for you. Sorry this is bringing back so many memories for you.
batters, pinkchampagne, - thanks
soapbox - he does insist nothing has happened with sarah.
noddyholder - i don't really want to say that because it's not really true. I have been fed up with him at times, but not to a point where I wanted us to split.
Scooby - 9 weeks, I know. Unbelievable and making me wonder how real all of this is. He is not a stupid man, and understands the commitment of a mortgage, getting me to leave my much-loved job etc, it's weird.

lol, Chancery!! I don't want to play games though, I just want him to understand that if he is going to leave, it's HIS choice to walk away from all this, it's NOT what I want.

Lots of you are saying to be away when he's back. He's due back Thu evening, but I guess he might change this. I don't really know what being away will achieve - do you really think I should not be here???

Going to post this now and then read through the rest. Thanks again

Willywonka - yes the anger is weird. I have had a thought that it might be drug related? He has been doing some pills on these big nights he's been having - could it be affecting him? Never done them, so don't know?

Yes, I'm very lucky that my parents and sister are v supportive and fabulous. My parents arrived at midnight with hugs and we had lovely talks. My sister has been texting me this morning and they all want to do everything they can. I have good friends too who I know will help me through it if he does leave, or forgive him if we get through it, so I know I'm very lucky.

Re bloody Sarah, isn't it possible that nothing has gone on, yet at least? Or am I just totally naive and trusting?

gtimama - great name. SOrry you have been through this too. THat's interesting about what that guy said, and I can imagine that's true. Thanks, will check that other post too. Are you okay now? THanks for second post too - you're right about my dd, and focusing on her will definitely help.

jules99 - he was long gone by then so couldn't get keys and wouldn't really feel right in asking tbh. We used my savings to pay all legal fees, stamp duty, moving costs. We got 100% mortgage. He says he would give me that back if it came to it. Did your ex get anything from the house?
NurseyJo, lol, I think you're right actually!
Dior, thanks
mrsmcv sorry you are going through divorce. Thanks for kind words too
Sakura, yes, I'm lucky.
Cathcart - I know I'm getting ahead of myself but can't help it, it's so scary.
Ernest, your post has made me cry again, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. You sound like an amazingly strong woman to have dealt with it like that. I will read your thread as soon as I can. What's happening now with you two? Thanks so much.

Right, update. Had long chats with my parents last night. Mum is just livid with him and would like to phone him and tell him what she thinks, bless! Dad more calm and rational. He is very much of the opinion that this is a blip (as was my best mate, and several of you), which I have to say I had hardly really considered for some weird reason. Dad worried about dh's state of mind, says the anger, irrationality and vindictiveness (think that's what it was re dd living with him) are really out of character. He agrees that it is some sort of crisis.

DH has phoned this morning to say he stayed at Sarah's after "whingeing to her all night and getting very drunk, then passing out on the couch". He is now on way here as he left his passport and contract behind, so this has thrown me a bit. He said he feels terrible and actually asked how I was doing, the anger seems to have died down for now.

My parents want me to go back to theirs for a few days, but I'm worried about having nothing to do and moping. Can't make up my mind.

I can totally empathise with how you feel. The same thing happened to me 3 years ago. He kept going out and making excuses and coming up with things that were wrong with me and how he wasnt sure how he felt about me and all the time he had been seeing this woman who offered a shoulder to cry on etc etc. They would go drinking together and eventually i backed him into a corner and he admitted the truth, they were having a relationship. He left with the kids crying and hanging on him. Guess what he went straight to her and left them devestated. He packed a bag right in front of them. We also had moved into our new house and he left 4 months later. They lasted afew months, he woke up one day realised the horror of what he had done and he was a complete wreck. he was desperate to come back. The stage you are at now is awful. Get support where you can grieve because it is like a loss. I couldnt eat or barely function at first but i did get stronger. Please cat me if you wish

hugs xxxxxxxxxx

Truly believe that a change of scene will do you good, as is it will for you to be waited on (as I'm sure your lovely sounding family will do). Most importantly, it will be good for both you and dd to have other people around to keep her occupied, to give you just that little bit more space. It's not moping, it's coming to terms with the mother of all scenarios and you are allowed time to deal with that, as your parents clearly understand. It's entirely up to you whether you want to be home when he returns - in some respects, why make it easier for him to come home to an empty house? - but I really think that a day or two surrounded by people who so obviously love you is the least you deserve. You have sooo many of us thinking of you, sweetheart

Shocked and Sad

Hello - I will read this thread properly later (am not supposed to be on MN atm!!)

My dh said exactly the same to me March last year so I know how it feels.
{{{{{}}}} to you - this is going to be hard I should know!
Feel free to CAT me if you want to chat privately

Bloody hell S&S - hope it all goes ok when he comes to pick up his stuff.
Be strong. Be high status, let him do the kerfuffling and discomfort. Think yourself into character as the animal you most feel embodies calm strength. I mean really think yourself into that role and be it throughout his meeting. Partly it will help you keep up s distraction and stop you crumbling, partly it will help you remain impressive and clear.

You gave up your job - and yet the two of you do not have a joint bank account?

I think it is possible that nothing has happened with Sarah, but it can hardly be ruled out, can it?

He really is in running away mode, isn't he?

Could well be a blip...but you can't afford to start elying on any particular scenario ofr the future, so if you can, just concentrate on looking after yourself and protecting yourself.