DH has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!

[shockedandsad]

Sorry, have changed name here for the usual reasons.

Have had a tough couple of months at home for one reason or another. This afternoon dh has just told me that he's not sure he wants to stay married to me anymore. He can't give me much more information than that, he just feels like the two of us don't get on like we used to (he cites since dd was born) and he feels we might be better apart.

Although we have had a difficult time, I really haven't felt it's more than that, and that we'd get over it. He has scoffed at this. He says he doesn't know yet whether he wants to give us another try or not. Our sex life has not been good since dd was born, and now we are in a position to right this, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says he doesn't have any answers.

I am shocked, and sad, and don't know what to do. Also having bursts of great anger towards him. Now I'm meant to just sit back and wait for him to decide whether he will grace with the honour of giving it a go. If he doesn't want to, I don't know what I'll do. I love him and want to stay with him. We do have our ups and downs, like anyone, I thought, and I am so shocked that he feels this way. Can't stop crying and poor dd (3)is very concerned. Anyone been in this position?

Well done Lily you are really doing so well. It's wonderful you sound as if you have a lovely family. I hope tommorrow goes ok as i am sure it will be really hard. You seem to be coping remarkably well

No, IOHW, I'm not worried about getting a divorce quickly, not at all. I suppose I just want to think ahead and try to be ahead of him really I'm certainly not in a rush at the moment. I don't know about a legal separation, will look into that.

Xenia, I am tempted to go for grounds of adultery, but he is very against that, funnily enough. I want to do that as I feel it will give me peace of mind, and this is probably wrong, but I want to have it black and white and legal, to be able to show dd when she's older if it becomes relevant. I know this is a bit warped, but I still feel so hurt and hard-done-by that this would give me a little respect back. Am tempted to name Bint too, as he would just hate that, but then it starts getting harder as I can't really prove it.

Actually, I like the idea of him having her a bit so that he recognises what he's missing out on, and how much I do, and of course time away from Bint. I've made him promise not to have her anywhere near dd, which he agrees and says he thinks is right, but I am nervous that he'll do it.

Lily, I don't feel like I'm coping very well really. Far too much crying in front of dd. Plus have realised she knows more than I give her credit for. She just came over to me and said "Mummy, has daddy hurt your feelings?" and then "Mummy, daddy has broken your heart, hasn't he?"

Right, must get on, get dressed and back down to Hampshire to get packing.

Catch you later xx

Poor you.
If you petition for adultery I can almost guarantee he won't defend it. His lawyers will tell him not to bother and just accept it. Gone are the days when you had to get private investigators to produce the damp sheets and photographs.

There is only one ground for divorce which is irretrievable breakdown which you prove by showing adultery, behaviour etc. The ground has no impact at all on what money you get or who does what so in a sense it is irrelevant anyway.

But check the law because if there's adultery and you condone it or live together for a period after etc then it ceases to count I think and there are lots of interesting cases on what is adultery although I doubt people have to get into that these days. Penetration is enough even without orgasm but oral sex isn't (although it would be unreasonable behaviour).

Thanks Xenia. He doesn't want me to cite adultery, and the fact is that I can't prove it. He maintains it started after he left me, but I can't find out for certain, and do suspect it started before. I have the mobile records of numerous texts and calls to all her numbers, but little else concrete. It would probably be easier to not do this, I know, so I won't make a decision until I'm a bit more settled and calmer.

Great advice Xenia.

Lily you're doing exactly the right thing too, take your time and look after yourself. And say to dd that even though mummy and daddy aren't very happy right now, you are the happiest and luckiest mum in the world to have her!

here here mls r/e dd! Lily you may not think so but you are doing a great job you really are you could have easily gone to bed and never got up . Hope the packing goes ok x

Lily - I've just found your thread - haven't read all of it as am in work but just wanted to add my support. My husband left me 18monthsish ago - totally out of the blue, stating there was noone else etc ( suspect there was at the time but something went wrong). He refused to try Relate etc. We have a 7 year old daughter.

The day after he left I went to see a solicitor regarding a divorce. I think at the time it was an attempt by me to scare him into coming back. Now 18 month later we are divorced and still trying to establish some sort of relationship for the sake of our daughter ( failing miserably)

If I had any advice to add. Don't rush into divorce but if you do don't stress about siting adultery. If divorce is eventually inevitable make him do all the running around formalising things. i've had a really stressful, expensive 18months trying to resolve things.

I totally understand you wanting to site 'adultery' but it is difficult to prove and to be honest noone really gets to see the divorce petition anyway. What you could do is site ' unreconcilible differences' and when listing the problems mention the phone calls etc .

I hope all goes well for you. It is a terrible, terrible time. But apparently things do get better

Lilybubble - your dd sounds more gorgeous every time you mention her. Give her a huge MN hug from us all

Hope that the move has gone as well as could be expected?

Willywonka, thank you for caring, I am so touched to see your message. I haven't been on here for a while, due to no internet access last week, and just feeling fed up. Sorry to everyone for not being part of the group and all that, but just felt low.

The move did go okay, better than expected really. My friend came to stay, way above and beyond the call of duty and helped me sort, chuck, drink, laugh, cry, cope... she was amazing. It went better than I thought. Got most of my stuff out but had to leave some bits of furniture, and am now at my parents until tomorrow, when I head back to London, and start back at work on Tuesday.

Found out today that - well, what can I call him now?! Tosspot will do for now. TP has moved in with drug addled bint Sarah. I found this out from my mother in law, calling from Australia, so you can imagine how thrilled I was. Held it together for a few minutes and then sobbed. Well done me. I just can't believe the ease with which he has started a whole new life, I am so, so sad. Still don't even feel angry for some reason, just sad. What a bloody mug!!

Offered TP the chance to have dd tomorrow, and he wants us all to go, as she asked for me last time. So that's going to be interesting.

How are you all? Willywonka I am still so touched you are keeping up with this thread, thank you so much. Are you okay? xx

No time for a proper posting but just had to say...your friend's a star, tp is a w*nker and you did brilliantly not to break down on the phone to MIL (cos I would have done!). Hope the return to the big smoke is OK and that going back to your job helps to start build your confidence. Keep strong

Lillybubble, I've hovered on your thread a while and i just wanted to wish you courage and strength for this next chapter of your life. You sound like such a great mumma your dd is very lucky to have you as a rolemodel.

It looks to me like TP's self absorbed behaviour is showing all the signs of serious drug abuse. Probably cocaine.
I have first hand experience of living with a partner who has drug misuse issues, and the behaviour you have described, especially the denial and inability to take responsibility for his behaviour/ actions and their consequences/ impact on others is very telling. Plus all the £ hes spent, and the constant partying.

I'm not sure how you could find out if he is taking coke but it might give you some clout with the divorce settelment.

Sending you lots of love x

Lillybubble, sorry I've not been able to post recently - lack of time at work, but just wanted to send you my best wishes - so glad you've got your job back, a good school lined up for dd and a new flat. It must have been dreadful packing up, but in time you'll find it really empowering to be in control of your life and not answerable to any man.

I do agree with the others that it's really not worth pursuing the adultery angle in your divorce. My ex insisted on divorcing me for adultery (long story and not as simple as it sounds). I didn't want him to, because I didn't want dd to have to live with that when she's older. But as others have said, it really isn't so relevant to a divorce any more. My ex threatened to take dd from me if I fought the adultery charge - it was the nastiest point of our breakup - and I didn't want to lose her, so I agreed. She's old enough now to understand most of what went on, and lives with me and dp. She was hugely angry at first, but now gets on well with dp and sees her dad as often as possible (given her 15 year old hectic social life!) I think on balance, if and when you decide to divorce, try to keep it as straightforward and uncontentious as possible. Pushing for adultery may make you feel better as you're understandably angry, but it will not gain you anything and may cost you in legal fees if tp contests it. Don't let the lawyers benefit!! I went along with whatever exh asked, and we had a quick and reasonably civilised divorce - though I'm very happy now , I shall always be sad that my marriage went so wrong.

Anyway, try not to be too upset about TP - you really are better off without! If he behaves like this because he's nearly 30, God help him when he's facing 40 (or, as in my case, 50!!) Great that he feels he can go off and have a fun time (if he IS having fun) - but you can have a fabulous life - and you have a lovely-sounding, sweet and sympathetic daughter - so who's got the best deal?