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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he wanted a lie-in, he got sex....am i silly to apologise?

234 replies

funnylittlefloozie · 20/08/2017 11:35

My BF stayed over last night. We have a slightly unusual relationship, where we only see each other every other week because of work commitments, but its really good when we do see each other. He's been working insanely hard recently, doing hours and hours of overtime and he is really tired (and a bit grumpy).

We went to bed early last night, had a cuddle and crashed out, because he is working today as well. I woke up early this morning and felt, erm...amorous. I dont think you need the gruesome details, but suffice to say, i instigated sex and even though he wasn't really awake when i started, he didn't push me off Grin He cuddled me afterwards and it was nice, but he didnt seem as "up for it " as usual.

But now, I feel a bit guilty, like i was a bit of a sex pest. i genuinely love him, and physically i can't get enough of him.... and i do think he feels the same about me. I think i just feel bad because he has done such an exceptional amount of overtime this week and he is tired.

It could just be tiredness that made him not up for it, couldn't it? Would i be silly to send him a text apologising for being a bit OTT this morning (not grovelling, just joky)? Am I a sex pest?

OP posts:
Wanderlust1984 · 20/08/2017 11:43

Please don't apologise!! You've done zilch to apologise for, he should apologise for being a grump! Grin

Auspiciouspanda · 20/08/2017 11:44

You instigated sex whilst he wasn't awake what does that actually mean?

Hotpinkangel19 · 20/08/2017 11:48

When he wasn't awake?

OnionKnight · 20/08/2017 11:49
Hmm

If I did that to my wife I'd be called much worse than a sex pest.

stormytherabbit · 20/08/2017 11:49

Isn't this that.. instigating sex without consent? Otherwise known as rape? No wonder you feel bad.

If a man made this post there would be outcry.

Rainybo · 20/08/2017 11:50

I think it matters by what you mean when he wasn't awake. As in he was completely asleep and you started playing with his penis or as in he was dozing and you were kissing his face or something and it led to sex?

LordPercy · 20/08/2017 11:51

Yup my first thought was what if a man had written this......Hmm.

Launderetta · 20/08/2017 11:52

What Wanderlust said.

ClandestineAdulation · 20/08/2017 11:53

Hell, if a man did that to me he'd need to do more than apologise.

Instigating sex when the other party is asleep and unable to give consent is, at the very least, being a 'pest'.

OnionKnight · 20/08/2017 11:54

Please don't apologise!! You've done zilch to apologise for, he should apologise for being a grump

You would not be saying that if a man had instigated sex whilst his female partner was asleep.

Original poster
funnylittlefloozie · 20/08/2017 11:54
Sad

If he'd said no, or pushed my hand (or my head Blush ) away....i would absolutely have stopped. He didnt, though, and he did seem to be enjoying himself. God, I sound worse and worse with every sentence.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/08/2017 11:54

I do think the term "sex pest" is overused on MN.

If you feel bad, give him a call later and say something like... You hope he didn't mind, but you were really feeling up for it.

I'm sure he'll be just fine. BTW I don't believe this constitutes being a sex pest.

Christmastree43 · 20/08/2017 11:55

My partner and I will often be differing degrees of half asleep and one or the other of us starts cuddling/ nuzzling in a turned on sort of way which then wakes the other up and leads to sex ... I'm sure you all know what I mean. There are clearly different degrees of instigating sex while one partner is asleep so let's not jump to the extreme with the OP

Bizzysocks · 20/08/2017 11:55

you need to discuss this with him (not on text) . It should have been discussed before todays incident. He may be happy to be woken up that way but he may not be in which case yes you need to apologise.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2017 11:56

I don't know any man who's going be offended with a morning BJ. If there is I haven't met him yet.

Stop worrying yourself about it.

Gorgosparta · 20/08/2017 11:56

More details are needed.

Tbh if dh knew l was knackered and woke me for sex or startes havunf sex with me while i was asleep.

I would not be happy

JK1773 · 20/08/2017 11:57

I don't understand this. Was he asleep? He can't consent if he was asleep. Did he wake up and participate? If he did I don't think there is anything to apologise for, my DP loves being woken up like this. However if he was asleep/dozing/didn't want to then that's terrible behaviour. Your post isn't clear.

ChickenBhuna · 20/08/2017 11:57

Agree with Bizzy , please just ask him if being woken up this way is good for him.

Rainybo · 20/08/2017 11:57

You woke him up with a blow job then.

Is this something you have discussed before? I think you need to talk to him about how he feels about it.

I hate this double standard that men aren't entitled to be asked for consent too.

Pollydonia · 20/08/2017 11:58

Erm, not ok . I think k you know that if you wouldn't have posted. Speak to him.

Gorgosparta · 20/08/2017 11:58

I don't know any man who's going be offended with a morning BJ. If there is I haven't met him yet.

What if a man said he hasnt met a woman who doesnt mind being woken up to him putting his penis in her, would that be ok?

ChickenBhuna · 20/08/2017 11:58

This is an interesting thread as the issue of consent needs to be openly discussed more frequently.

golfin · 20/08/2017 12:03

This is such a tricky one, so many women wouldn't be happy about being woken in this way but so many men would be delighted.

If he had shown any sign at all of wanting you to stop, then surely you would have. I presume you know him well enough to judge his reactions.

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 20/08/2017 12:03

I'm somewhat surprised to read the responses that seem to think this is OK. If a man had written the op and had justified himself by saying she didn't push him away or say no, he would be told he had raped his partner. Why doesn't the same apply when a woman does it to a man?

Auspiciouspanda · 20/08/2017 12:03

So you sexually assaulted him as he was unconscious so couldn't give consent?

It doesn't matter if a man should be lucky to be getting oral, or that no man would be offended by this.

He seemed up for it, he didn't say no, he seemed to like it..... I've heard this a lot as excuses men use when they rape or sexually assault a woman and if you were a man posting you'd be ripped to shreds.