Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he wanted a lie-in, he got sex....am i silly to apologise?

234 replies

funnylittlefloozie · 20/08/2017 11:35

My BF stayed over last night. We have a slightly unusual relationship, where we only see each other every other week because of work commitments, but its really good when we do see each other. He's been working insanely hard recently, doing hours and hours of overtime and he is really tired (and a bit grumpy).

We went to bed early last night, had a cuddle and crashed out, because he is working today as well. I woke up early this morning and felt, erm...amorous. I dont think you need the gruesome details, but suffice to say, i instigated sex and even though he wasn't really awake when i started, he didn't push me off Grin He cuddled me afterwards and it was nice, but he didnt seem as "up for it " as usual.

But now, I feel a bit guilty, like i was a bit of a sex pest. i genuinely love him, and physically i can't get enough of him.... and i do think he feels the same about me. I think i just feel bad because he has done such an exceptional amount of overtime this week and he is tired.

It could just be tiredness that made him not up for it, couldn't it? Would i be silly to send him a text apologising for being a bit OTT this morning (not grovelling, just joky)? Am I a sex pest?

OP posts:
Slimthistime · 20/08/2017 12:03

Not okay
You're a sex pest
Why did you wake him up?
He maybe didn't push you off because he couldn't face a row.
Ick.

shivermytimbers · 20/08/2017 12:06

I think this is a very different situation to a woman who is woken by a man actually penetrating her!
OP- I really don't think you've got anything to apologise for unless

  1. He asked you to stop and you didn't
  2. He was unconscious all the way through
Other than that, it sounds like a nice, snoozy morning shag. I think comparing the OPs situation to a rape (which is what some posters seem to be implying) is ridiculous.
RebornSlippy · 20/08/2017 12:06

Jesus Christ, are people really using the word rape in this scenario? Only on Mumsnet.

WooWooSister · 20/08/2017 12:06

You need to speak to him about this. I would not be happy if I was shattered from working and my partner woke me up to have sex.
He also can't give consent if he's sleeping.
This isn't a jokey, silly situation. You need to have a serious conversation about boundaries and consent.

RebornSlippy · 20/08/2017 12:08

And can I just say, all of you that are so quick to jump in with such bullshit on threads like this achieve the exact opposite of what you're trying to do. You minimise and belittle actual rape. It's ridiculous.

shivermytimbers · 20/08/2017 12:09

You minimise and belittle actual rape
Absolutely Reborn

Gorgosparta · 20/08/2017 12:11

I may not mind dh groping me and waking me for morning sex.

But if a woman posted here that her partner had done and she felr she couldnt say no once it started. Posters would be saying he shouldnt have even intiated if he was asleep.

His gender isnt a excuse or justifcation.

Op feels he isnt happy. Isnt that enough?

Catandtwodogs · 20/08/2017 12:11

Are you sure he consented to what you did?

Mumof41987 · 20/08/2017 12:11

If a man had written this post he be called a bloody sex offender ! Double standards at its finest on MN as usual

Original poster
funnylittlefloozie · 20/08/2017 12:12

Slimthistime there would not have been a row! If he had indicated to me in any way that he wanted me to stop, I would absolutely have stopped! I adore him, I would never want to make him feel bad. It wasn't a situation where he was snoring away and I just leapt on him, but the first alarm had gone off and he was dozing, and i was kissing him and worked down from there.

In a relationship, do you formally ask your partner for consent every single time? Should you?

OP posts:
PollyBanana · 20/08/2017 12:12

Unless he's said in the past that his idea of heaven is to be woken from sleep with a blow job, you were really out of line handling the genitals of someone who was asleep.
And even if he has said that a sleeping blow job is his fantasy, you were really unreasonable to wake him when you knew he was tired, just because you were horny. You could have just gone to the bathroom and sorted yourself out and waited for him to wake up

celeste4 · 20/08/2017 12:13

Depends which position. If he bent you over or did you missionary then he was fine with your sex initiation. If you just climbed aboard and rode him regardless then maybe technically it was rape.

WyfOfBathe · 20/08/2017 12:13

Not pushing you off does not equal consent. Only yes means yes.

TheSassyAssassin · 20/08/2017 12:14

I agree actually. There are of course times when waking up lazily together, one person is more awake and things get instigated and it's all good. But, I do think you need to check with him. It is about mutual consent for both men and women. Not to put too finer point on it, this morning it is likely his erection was involuntary too and therefore yes, just as with a man doing something that afterwards a woman might be left feeling she hadn't consented to, you need to afford him the exact same rights... that said, yes I am sure a morning BJ was a lovely way to be woken OP but if it were me, I'd have a conversation with him...

Wanderlust1984 · 20/08/2017 12:15

Wtf? My oh often wakes me up in sexual ways and I love it, he's my boyfriend ffs not a stranger who's sexually assaulting me 🙄 Calm down folks, a lot of men would love to be woken up with a bit of wank action, stop accusing the op of being a "rapist", my god

Migraleve · 20/08/2017 12:15

I never understood how people could equate sleepy sex to rape. It's ridiculous. This thread shows how out of touch with reality some people are.

Goingtobeawesome · 20/08/2017 12:16

OP, talk to him. Tell him you're not wondering if youve done something wrong in his eyes and ask him if he'd rather you didn't do that again?

This thread has made me sad. I woke up to find my (now ex) boyfriend on top of me with his penis in me. I don't like to think what that means going on this thread.

chowmeinchick · 20/08/2017 12:17

Unless he's said it would be a dream to wake up and you be having sex with him I don't see how this is okay? I get that he didn't say no, but how could he have said yes if he was a sleep? He couldn't.

If a man had written this, he would be shut down and quite rightly called a rapist. But hey, he seemed to enjoy it and didn't push you off so who cares Hmm

Migraleve · 20/08/2017 12:17

Not pushing you off does not equal consent. Only yes means yes.

I don't think I have EVER said "yes" to my DH in over 16 years. Has he ever raped me? NO.

RebornSlippy · 20/08/2017 12:17

And so it begins... "if a man posted this it would be considered sexual assault". OK then, lets flip it.

A woman posts here saying that she'd worked a lot of overtime recently, was tired and having a lie in. She woke up to her partner kissing her and working his way downtown. She was tired and not as 'into it' (which I assume means energetic, OP?) as normal, but had what she afterwards described as 'nice' sex with her partner. She never once indicated she didn't consent or want to continue. Afterwards they cuddled, got up and on with their days. Is that rape?

pumpkinpie5 · 20/08/2017 12:18

Wanderlust.

Boyfriends and husbands can rape too, it's not always a stranger in an alley. You may be fine with it but others may not be. I'm not saying that's the case this time but I agree with other posters that a conversation about boundaries is appropriate.

chowmeinchick · 20/08/2017 12:19

I also get that people don't actually say "would you like to have sex?" "Yes please" but surely both of you go along with it and knowingly get 'in the mood' when you want to do it.

RebornSlippy · 20/08/2017 12:19

"Only yes means yes". So every time you have sex you have to say "I hereby consent". Fuck sake, talk about over milking the thing! Some of the things I read here really makes me scratch my head.

CarolinePenvenen · 20/08/2017 12:20

Each relationship has their own set up and implied consent. If DH did that to me it would be normal and fine and dandy. Same the other way round. Surely when you’re in a relationship you know where the lines are drawn?

shivermytimbers · 20/08/2017 12:20

Ffs! She started kissing a dozing man and worked her way down. I'm going to work on the assumption that he isn't downtrodden by abuse and dysfunctional relationships and was, in fact, quite able to mumble 'not now' and roll over at some point before she reached his penis. If I'm wrong and the OP has, in fact, spent years whittling away at his self esteem until he doesn't understand the boundaries that he is free to impose on his own body, then maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick.