he wanted a lie-in, he got sex....am i silly to apologise?

[funnylittlefloozie]

My BF stayed over last night. We have a slightly unusual relationship, where we only see each other every other week because of work commitments, but its really good when we do see each other. He's been working insanely hard recently, doing hours and hours of overtime and he is really tired (and a bit grumpy).

We went to bed early last night, had a cuddle and crashed out, because he is working today as well. I woke up early this morning and felt, erm...amorous. I dont think you need the gruesome details, but suffice to say, i instigated sex and even though he wasn't really awake when i started, he didn't push me off He cuddled me afterwards and it was nice, but he didnt seem as "up for it " as usual.

But now, I feel a bit guilty, like i was a bit of a sex pest. i genuinely love him, and physically i can't get enough of him.... and i do think he feels the same about me. I think i just feel bad because he has done such an exceptional amount of overtime this week and he is tired.

It could just be tiredness that made him not up for it, couldn't it? Would i be silly to send him a text apologising for being a bit OTT this morning (not grovelling, just joky)? Am I a sex pest?

No, you're not a sex pest! He was just tired and obviously felt relaxed in your company. The simplest thing to do would be to ask him if he enjoyed his sleepy shag and go from there!

The thing about trying to reverse this and imagine a woman posting about her husband waking her up for sex, is that it would be the person on the receiving end (so to speak) whose story we heard. So we'd know how she felt about it and whether or not it was welcome.

In this post we have the story from the pov of the instigator, none of us know how he felt about it.

So surely the thing to do is talk about it and ask him. If he was tired so couldn't be as responsive as usual but nevertheless enjoyed it, great. If he didn't really want to but felt he couldn't say no, tell him it's OK for him to say so. If he really hated it, don't do it again. Seems to cover all bases.

Totally agree with the PP who has pointed out OP's question is likely more to do with her feeling less comfortable being dominant. She's now questioning if it was awkward (which OP i would say no but if you're worried Chat to him about it), not if she's a rapist ffs.

To compare sleepy sex with being raped in your sleep is totally minimising the latter.

The fact that the OP has posted a thread means she's unsure about consent. That's why she needs to have a conversation with her DP.

Sleepy wake up sex is absolutely fine within certain boundaries. I'd say this crosses the line into sex pesty. You took advantage because you were horny when he was shattered and had every right to sleep.

The clue is the fact that he wasn't that into it and you now feel bad.

It's not the end of the world, but learn from it and don't do it again.

Maybe I'm missing something, but isn't waking your partner up gently for sleepy, loving, Sunday morning sex completely normal? If he'd said 'no, I'm too tired' or had not reciprocated then obvs you should have stopped. But he didn't. What's the issue here?

The man has a tongue and can speak, we assume? So if he wasn't in the mood, he could have said so. She wasn't overpowering him, going at it hammer and tongs, pinning him down, while he was trying to escape.
What a load of bollocks on here.
Are these people in the real world I wonder.

Some responses here are disgusting. OP, you're not a rapist or a sex pest.

^^ so true ***

It's normal if he's not exhausted from work, he's definitely awake enough to say no if he wants (unclear here), if he's clearly into it, if you're not questioning yourself afterwards wondering if you took advantage.

@WooWoo, I don't read it like that. I don't think the OP is querying consent. I think she is wondering if her partner would have preferred sleep or sex. Although the sex was consensual and pleasant (which he, himself stated), the OP is wondering if he would have rather been left alone to sleep. This is not a consent issue. This is an issue of preference.

So, lets say I wake up in the morning wanting Orange Juice. My partner comes upstairs with coffee instead of my preferred OJ. Now, the coffee is very nice and I drink it willingly, but I just would have preferred OJ. That's how I'm reading it.

The first person to call the coffee a rapist wins the thread.

Actually, my original question was would i be silly to apologise for waking him up when he probably would have liked to sleep in a bit longer. He wasn't coerced into sex at any point, and our relationship is good enough that we can talk about things like this. I've woken him up with sex before and he loves it, and generally is very enthusiastic about responding - but he wasn't so enthusiastic this morning, which is why i felt i'd overstepped a bit.

I've sent him a text to apologise although he won't see it now until he finishes work at 8.30.

I wouldn't say this is assault, assuming your boyfriend was able to say 'stop' and didn't. If he was fully asleep, drugged or drunk ir otherwise unable to say stop it would have been assault. The person has to be able to give or withdraw consent.
Couples usually talk about this sort of thing as soon as they start sleeping together though. It might be best to discuss it.

Surely "instigating sex" means something along the lines of snuggling up, gentle stroking, kissing, moving towards more erogenous zones, etc.? Not aggressively pinning someone to the bed and forcing them to engage in full-on PIV intercourse.

Oh, just read the OP's last post.
Well, yeah, if you know your partner is very tired it might be considerate to let them get their sleep.

What sex position was it OP?

I think you have only made one mistake this morning and that was posting on here. The sex was probably the best bit of his day so far and if he was a bit quiet this morning it might have been because he had to get out of his warm, sexy bed and go to work, no?

With the very greatest respect, Celeste4, that's none of your business, and its the second time you've asked that question. Does position make a difference in issues of disputed consent, in your opinion?

He was tired
You were horny
It's quite common for one or the other to feel these ways
He didn't say no or protest
I'm sure you didn't force him to rise to the occasion 🙊
You weren't coming from a malicious or bad place x

We're all different.
I'd love my fella to wake me up wanting to start our day with a (scuse the pun) bang 💥 🙊

Don't worry about it x it sounds like he enjoyed it 😁 He was just tired x

Think it's good you've sent him a text OP because if it were the other way around him actually recognising and caring enough about the fact that you're completely knackered at the mo, to send you a quick text to check you're ok, means it was as much about you as it was about him and you have an honest relationship and can talk....all good!

Sorry funny i was just trying to make the point if it was a male dominant position then it would put to bed all this rape accusation rubbish.

The hypocrisy on the thread is astounding.

I think ppl on mums net are a bit quick to shout rape.
I've done this to my OH and he's done it to me. Just because it's sleepy sex doesn't mean it's rape ffs.
I know my OH loves it. And if I'm really tired but still want sex I'm actually glad to be 'served' the sex without doing too much. Lol

This is a really odd thread! Like sandy said, I don't know any man that wouldn't want to be woken up like that .

If you're in a happy secure couple the chances are you've been woken up with foreplay or woken up your partner this way.

Don't worry op, it's all good.

What sex position was it OP?

Why does this make a difference

think she is wondering if her partner would have preferred sleep or sex. Although the sex was consensual and pleasant (which he, himself stated), the OP is wondering if he would have rather been left alone to sleep. This is not a consent issue. This is an issue of preference.

This is the most sensible post on the thread