he wanted a lie-in, he got sex....am i silly to apologise?

[funnylittlefloozie]

My BF stayed over last night. We have a slightly unusual relationship, where we only see each other every other week because of work commitments, but its really good when we do see each other. He's been working insanely hard recently, doing hours and hours of overtime and he is really tired (and a bit grumpy).

We went to bed early last night, had a cuddle and crashed out, because he is working today as well. I woke up early this morning and felt, erm...amorous. I dont think you need the gruesome details, but suffice to say, i instigated sex and even though he wasn't really awake when i started, he didn't push me off He cuddled me afterwards and it was nice, but he didnt seem as "up for it " as usual.

But now, I feel a bit guilty, like i was a bit of a sex pest. i genuinely love him, and physically i can't get enough of him.... and i do think he feels the same about me. I think i just feel bad because he has done such an exceptional amount of overtime this week and he is tired.

It could just be tiredness that made him not up for it, couldn't it? Would i be silly to send him a text apologising for being a bit OTT this morning (not grovelling, just joky)? Am I a sex pest?

To be fair though, OP, as much as he enjoyed the sex, he might have preferred to sleep. If so, I imagine you're feeling guilty that you were a bit selfish in waking him by instigating sex.

Back to my morning drink analogy. So, yeah, I wanted Orange Juice, but he brought me coffee because, well, because he wanted coffee. He could have brought me OJ, it was there in the fridge, but he decided to bring me coffee, probably thinking a) I might like it (I usually do) and b) he wanted it. Does that make him selfish?

Look, this has descended into craziness. Ignore the shouts of rape or assault or any other such nonsense. You just need to tak to him and find out if would have preferred to sleep this morning. Use it as a learning point going forward. Urge him to be honest and you'd rather know as is evidenced by this thread.

Maybe you'll find he was pleasantly surprised by the coffee and wants it every morning now...

I agree, Migraleve. That is a very sensible post and i agree that it was an issue of preference, not consent. I used the term "sex pest" in a rather tongue-in-cheek way...ive been a bit taken aback by the replies calling me a rapist!

celeste4, thank you for explaining. I do see what you're saying.

I hate the way everything is suddenly rape because you have done something spontaneous. Me and DH do this all the time, wake each other up cuddling/kissing. If I said no or he did then we would stop. Obviously he doesn't start full sex until I'm awake and reciprocating but it's nice sometimes to be a little bit unplanned. I'm assuming he took part? But just to be sure have him sign a consent form before bedtime next time

Sent this to my dh.

In my 30 years of being sexually active with a fair few men I have never once been asked for consent, nor asked a man if he consents. Because it's fucking obvious, whether someone consents or not. I really do despair about how this whole "consent" argument plays out with some people, who have no common sense, and probably whip out a clip board with a consent form on it, at the first sign of any "naughty business" . Talk about a fucking passion killer.

And yes, to PP who said that calling this scenario rape, is really insulting to anyone who has been pinned down and violently raped. It waters down the word, in every way possible.

pics didn't attach. 😳

In fact, I've just read the whole thread to DH and he enthusiastically told me "not to take any advice from those women!" Flabbergasted!

I read it to dp and asked him if he'd mind being woken up that way. "Hell no, I'd think it was Christmas" was the response.

I'm kind of lost for words here.

An early pp said "only yes means yes". Well no, body language is also a way of communication - hence, language. You know if someone is consenting. You just do. Whoever it was who said that (and others who agree), are you honestly saying that you always ask your partners for verbal consent before having sex?...Really?!.... As others have said, talk about the ultimate passion killer! "I'm going to go down on you now. Do you consent to my plan?"

Lost for words

Why don't you look up legislation and what is reasonable cause to believe consent.

No means no but he didn't bloody say no!

Fwiw people in long term relationships do not seek verbal consent each time they dtd.

Oops I was right the first time! See! I've lost my mind reading this thread!

If you've agreed in the past you both don't mind this then that's fine.

But like others have said if a man did this he would be called a lot worse.

Why not just gently wake up when hugging him and give him awake but sleepy sex.

I'd text him apologise and ask him if he's mind you doing it in the future and if you'd mind him doing the same and see what he says.

"...if a man did this he would be called a lot worse."

And those calling it would be as far off the mark and hysterical as they have been here.

I've woken him up like this before - trust me, he doesn't mind in the least!! Having thought about it, i've realised that I was more concerned that I was selfish in not letting him sleep, not that I had in fact committed a sexual assault by performing a sex act on him against his will.

So you think its okay for a man to start having sex with a woman who's asleep reborn? And that to use the word rape is hysterical if he does so?

I dont think its ok for the OP to have done this to her partner either unless its an agreed thing that he is happy to be woken up this way

I take it that no-one sees the same arguments trotted out by rapists?

I'm not saying that the OP is a rapaist or has sexually assaulted her DP but there are so many stereotypes that really need to be looked at.

I think the OP has now confirmed they have sleepy sex consent as read in their relationship. The issue of him being knackered and preferring to sleep though I guess remains. Hopefully you'll get a positive response to your text later OP, although maybe you owe him a lie-in at some stage!

@Mysterious

I'm saying that if my partner woke me up with kisses and cuddles and I fancied a bit of early morning nooky, I'd engage, reciprocate and have sex. Consent in other words.

What the hell are some of you watching/reading/living when this scenario immediately conjures up an image of a man raping you in your sleep?

And yeah, using the word rape in this scenario is hysterical. Not in a funny way obvs.

There is a complete double standard going on here. If this was a man who posted this there would be an outcry. If a woman posted this and said her OH did this robber this morning while she was asleep, she would e advised to see the local rape centre quickly.

I don't think the OP did anything wrong actually. Both there is such hysteria surrounding this issue and such bullshit advice and guidelines given out that this is by definition sexual assault. Simple as.

RebornSlippy

i instigated sex and even though he wasn't really awake when i started, he didn't push me off grin He cuddled me afterwards and it was nice, but he didnt seem as "up for it " as usual.

From the OP. It doesn't say that he engaged or reciprocated.

But what if you didnt want to engage and reciprocate? As it doesnt sound like OPs partner was very keen

But what if you didnt want to engage and reciprocate? As it doesnt sound like OPs partner was very keen

@BoneyBackJefferson. From what you've read in this post so far, do you think the OP sexually assaulted her partner this morning?