he wanted a lie-in, he got sex....am i silly to apologise?

[funnylittlefloozie]

My BF stayed over last night. We have a slightly unusual relationship, where we only see each other every other week because of work commitments, but its really good when we do see each other. He's been working insanely hard recently, doing hours and hours of overtime and he is really tired (and a bit grumpy).

We went to bed early last night, had a cuddle and crashed out, because he is working today as well. I woke up early this morning and felt, erm...amorous. I dont think you need the gruesome details, but suffice to say, i instigated sex and even though he wasn't really awake when i started, he didn't push me off He cuddled me afterwards and it was nice, but he didnt seem as "up for it " as usual.

But now, I feel a bit guilty, like i was a bit of a sex pest. i genuinely love him, and physically i can't get enough of him.... and i do think he feels the same about me. I think i just feel bad because he has done such an exceptional amount of overtime this week and he is tired.

It could just be tiredness that made him not up for it, couldn't it? Would i be silly to send him a text apologising for being a bit OTT this morning (not grovelling, just joky)? Am I a sex pest?

You're not a rapist OP. Jesus Christ MN.

Weird thread. In our relationship, no we don't ask each formally for consent each time. And surprise sleepy sex is nice.

If you aren't up for it you just say no and that's that. Of course there are times when one person is too sleepy but then the no is respected - that's a healthy relationship.

Just have a conversation with him.

Jesus Christ, are people really using the word rape in this scenario? Only on Mumsnet.

I totally agree.

It's very difficult to force a man to engage in sex with you if he doesn't want to.

It would helo those using the word rape, to know that the definition of rape applies only where a man forces sex and penetrates the vagina or anus of a woman (or man).

The op suspects he isnt happy or wasnt really into it.

Thats the difference.

Context within the relationship is crucial.

My OH sometimes wakes me up by touching me and initiating sex, I enjoy sleepy sex, he knows I am fine with that.
If I decide that it's not OK I will say so and he absolutely will stop and not try again.

That works for us- I appreciate all couples are different.

It sounds like sleepy sex
Perfectly fine imo! He would've said no if he didn't want to. He didn't. In a relationship you do kiss and cuddle your partner and you don't ask for permission every single time! It sounds like she started kissing him and that led to other things. I'm assuming he was awake at this point!

Fuck me mumsnet 😂😂

The op suspects he isnt happy or wasnt really into it.
But this possibly tells us more about how women can feel uncomfortable actively starting sex simply because the expectation of women is that we are the passive recipients of sex, rather than the instigators.

She's said he seemed to be enjoying himself! Didn't ask her to stop or try and get her to stop. He was just tired !
Can't believe people are implying this is rape. I'd love to hear the comments of all the male partners of those who consider this the be akin to rape / sexual assault

@Feelingshitty, before we go any further with that, can I get a written document from you, confirming that that is official request? You are in your right mind, you are neither drunk, sleeping or otherwise incapacitated. You do, in fact, consent. Let me here a YES.

*hear even. You see, I'd be done for that. Incorrect wording on the official 'consent' document.

In a relationship, do you formally ask your partner for consent every single time? Should you?

No. Neither of ask.

If my DH starts getting amorous, I can reciprocate and that indicates my willingness or consent.

If I don't fancy it, I say I'm not in the mood.

But I don't get "will you have sex with me?" That would just about kill the passion for me.

Equally. .if I feel in the mood. ..I start kissing or touching him if we're in bed. I've never needed him or any other man to say "yes"..I'm ready to have sex with you.

My fucking god MN

Anyone ridiculous to imply this is assault are totally detracting from those who have ACTUALLY been the victim of a real assault. Get a fucking grip.

But this possibly tells us more about how women can feel uncomfortable actively starting sex simply because the expectation of women is that we are the passive recipients of sex, rather than the instigators.

So its about him not liking women instgating sex? Wtf?

Its over the top ro suggest she shouldnt have done this, but normal to suggest its actually his problem.

If instagting sex leaves you feeling guilty after, it suggests an issue. It doesnt suggest he doesnt like women instgating sex.

I'm sure he would have said 'no' if he hadn't wanted to ... you don't need a contract ... you obviously feel like you pushed him into something he may not have bothered to do otherwise, but he had options and didn't use them - don't worry about it and ignore some posts because they are ridiculous

@RebornSlippy

before we go any further with that, can I get a written document from you, confirming that that is official request? You are in your right mind, you are neither drunk, sleeping or otherwise incapacitated. You do, in fact, consent. Let me here a YES

Indeed. Have a pen and paper by your bedside.

God. In the real world, if a partner, male OR female, woke up touching , kissing , (sucking) their oh, no one would be saying sex pest, rape etc.....absolutely pathetic. My oh could touch me whenever he likes and unless I physically say no, I would have no issue whatsoever

So its about him not liking women instgating sex? Wtf?
That's not what I meant. I have no idea what the Ops boyfriend likes or doesn't like.
I'm just saying that the OP questioning whether or not she should apologise doesn't necessarily indicate that she behaved badly. It could just as easily be the case that she feels uncomfortable taking on a less passive sexual role and, as is well documented, women often feel the need to apologise for engaging in behaviour which is usually seemed masculine (e.g. initiating sex)
Hope that clarifies

Some responses here are disgusting. OP, you're not a rapist or a sex pest.

No wonder rape is trivialised with the word being tossed around so much.

Gawd, there are some really self righteous comments here.
As someone else said 'Only on mumsnet'.

OP, as a consenting adult, he was awake once aroused so he was able to stop you. He didn't.

'Sleepy sex' when one partner is a bit sleepy at first, but is still cooperating is IMO normal between long term couples.

FFS stop overthinking everyone

@Rebornslippy Yes, I want you to fuck me, signed, Feelingshitty

I think you can retroactively consent, if I smell gas on your property and break a window to get in and turn your stove off I'm very likely to be retroactively forgiven the breaking and entering. You'd very likely be very happy I saved your house.

These situations are somewhat similar, if you know your partner everyone's happy with everything it's all hunky dory. However taking this situation at face value if he wasn't happy, went along with it out of guilt (for being unavailable to you through his working long hours), or feared a strop from you if he didn't comply then yes you've technically sexually assaulted him.

Making assumptions about another persons desire/willingness to engage in sex is a time bomb you'll get it wrong sooner or later. The solution to this is solid communication early on in the relationship.

A simple "I can sometimes get very affectionate on waking up, and I need to know from you would you prefer I didn't, and if you don't mind then it's still important to me for you to know if you are not in the mood just let me know and I'll stop, no questions asked/ and no sulking from me whatsoever."

The reason you are feeling guilty is you obvs not 110% sure it was welcome, and the solution is a frank conversation with him with no pressure. You can't possible divine the truth of the matter from random posts from us lot. We aren't in his head.

I would counsel having this out with any future partners before it becomes a problem. Any partner that does this is in effect rolling the dice when it comes to consent. Now the odds may be more in your favor than when a man does it, but the fact remain sooner or later you're gonna come up snake eyes and a sexual assault will have taken place.

The issue here isn't about what "usually" happens or what is a reasonable default. It's about everyone being treated as individuals and their choices and indeed preferences being taken into account.

Open consent for sex is the default position for us ( in bed anyway).
Neither of us have to ask,
Sometimes one of us is not up for it, in which case we will speak or push a hand away.
And that is always respected.
My OH doesn't need to ask me for sex, nor I him, consent is assumed unless one of us communicates otherwise.

I've been humming 'wake up and make love with me' by ian dury and the blockheads all day, seems somehow apt for this thread.

Also - don't want to speak on your behalf OP. Just thinking aloud. Feel free to tell me I'm wrong