"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's August 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - Aug 2017
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Why does he want to tell them at all?. Examine his reasons for this.

If these people are too toxic for you to deal with, it will be the same for your child too. He does not realise that he is simply being manipulated.

hi everyone. I posted on the last thread about my toxic mil and got some good advice. This is most of what I posted last time:
_

I have been with DH for 11 years, married for 7. 2DC. Our relationship is strong. Controlling Mil. My DH is scapegoat, his sibling is the golden child, FiL is hen-pecked but happy to be this way and defer to Mil in everything - he would never stand up to her even though he has told DH in the past that he agrees with DH privately with some things but would never disagree with his wife.

Things started to go wrong in my rship with MiL when I started to express opinions which were different to hers particularly around how DH and I had chosen how we wanted our DC to be raised. She is the matriarch and no-one seems to have ever disagreed with her deciding everything for everyone (or if they have they didn't last long!)

Since then she is always undermining us as parents or constantly putting me down to our DC or my DH whether it be her attempt at subtle (holding baby DC2 who was crying and saying why are you crying is it because your mummy doesn't feed you enough or is it because mummy is mean to you - I was breastfeeding exclusively at the time) or she is obvious about it but tries to laugh it off when confronted.

We have been bumbling along. DH stands up for me when he notices things. When she says things just for my hearing I ignore them because I turn to jelly (and then think of the prefect response hours later!) When we see them we usually do activities focused on the DC so that there is less chance of confrontation.

She has tried three times to seriously split DH and I up. She has tried to put a wedge between us many little times but there are three big times. Anyway, the third time was yesterday. It was directly aimed at me this time and very volatile/unpredictable. When DH spoke to her she lay on a guilt trip while verbally attacking me.
DH says that we have to think about two consequences of going NC. 1) Is his rship with Pil and 2) Our DC rships with Pil. This is the first time he has mentioned the possibility of NC for the DC. He is no longer wanting me to continue working on my rship with her as he would not blame for never talking to her again. I have said if she apologised then we could go back to trying to have a rship. I have said point 1 is a moot point as I would never tell him he could not see his own parents. We have decided not to make a rash decision about point 2 last night but to think carefully and present a united front.

He thinks it would be cruel for DC to only see FiL and FiL would never agree to that if he realised that we were inviting him to things when we knew MiL would be busy so that is not an option although I could happily spend a lot of time with FiL.

I think that the DC (and I) need to be NC for a while so that she can realise that we are serious.

I honestly am scared about the influence that MiL could have on our children. I have seen how long it has been for DH to realise that some things are not normal and it is since spending time with my family on occasions that he has realised that extreme favouritism is not usual. I am even more scared now because DH is outnumbered by DC so if I am not there MiL could easily plants seeds of negativity in their ears individually. That sounds paranoid unless you have met her.

UPDATE

We have been nc for a month. Very peaceful and drama free. Dh and I agreed with the plan that we were going to chat about how to talk to pil and then slowly initiate contact with us at some point (not dc initially). We were going to have a temporary period of nc and plan it for when we ready. Dh and I were united.

However dh had a text from mil this morning and it is like he forgot our plan. He wanted to reply immediately. We have talked and agreed to issue a joint reply when he gets back from work.

Please can anyone help me with what to say to him?

This is the text (I put in the mumsnet abbreviations!)

My ds, I'm sitting sobbing after another sleepless night worrying about losing you and our lovely dgc. You have not contacted me for 4 wks. I can't believe you realise how you are breaking our hearts. We are going away on Saturday and I know we will not be able to have any sort of a nice time unless you are in touch before we go. I will always love you very much

Hi everyone I post every so often but not for a while. I feel I was lured into false pretences by my M. Things were really good since they came back from their hols. She even went as far as suggesting we do things on a Thursday together with my DS. She had been helping with my garden too. Silly me for thinking maybe she had changed!
My parents never liked my exDP/DS dad. They haven't liked most of my DPs in the past. Anyway me and exDP are on good terms we are friends and might even try give things a go again. He asked if I wanted to go along to my DS first holiday abroad with him as he had booked it while we were separated. I wanted to go and i agreed because I didn't want to miss it. I was worried about telling my family even though I'm an adult and it's my life and my decisions.

My family are all not talking to me now. Although when I first told her she was fine for a week! Then my sister threw a massive strop about it and in turn that gave my mum ammo to start on me. Saying they don't like him, I'm selfish for going etc. I cannot believe they are behaving like this, this doesn't affect them or their lives. They would be on holiday when in go away anyway!

This is a familiar tactic of theirs. To outcast me and not talk to me until I give in and change my mind, to fit in with what they want. I don't think this is a case for them to stop talking to me is it? I've never felt so alone. I've got massive mouth ulcers due to stress and I just want to sit and cry!

Hi Goaway - I remember your original post and replied to it - it's really positive that you've been united on it all.

It's not surprising thought that your DH is having a wobble after hearing from his DM. Speaking as a 'scapegoat' myself, it is really, really hard to not come running when your controlling mother contacts you, because you've been programmed to do just that for your whole life.

The best thing would obviously be to maintain NC, if just to show her that she can't pull his strings by making him feel guilty. But if you and he want to reply, I would say it needs to be short, factual, non-emotional and addressing your needs rather than hers. Maybe something like:

"As you know we decided to take a break from our relationship with you for a while. We are using this time to prioritize our own needs and those of the DC".

That was the advice a counsellor (with lots of experience of toxic families) gave me when I said I didn't know what to say if my M tried to contact me - or when other family members were sent to try and guilt trip me.

When my counsellor said this I could never imagine saying that to my M - or to anybody else, because I though it sounded really selfish. But then she pointed out that there is absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing your own needs, and those of your partner and children - actually it's very much a necessity for peace of mind and happiness, and is very normal. I just didn't see it that way because of the way my mind has been manipulated over the years - ie to put my own needs last .

Hi Chocolate, sorry X-posted with you.

This is a familiar tactic of theirs. To outcast me and not talk to me until I give in and change my mind, to fit in with what they want. I don't think this is a case for them to stop talking to me is it?

No of course it's not a 'case' for them to stop talking to you, but the point is, there is no 'case' that gives them the right to treat you that way. You are an adult and you are entitled to make your own decisions - and if they don't like them, tough. Even if you make a really, really bad decision, if they truly loved and respected you, they would never 'stop talking to you' because it's childish, pathetic and just pure bullying tactics.

Don't let them stop you going on this holiday. Frankly who you go on holiday with is none of their business.

I know it's hard though

Everything flump just said.

bad thank you for making me feel like I've done nothing crazy and I'm not being unreasonable

I feel like my sister is playing a big part in this. She's nice to my face but I feel like when she's with my mum they have a good bitch about me. If my sister hadn't of started then I feel like my mum wouldn't have jumped on me. I haven't heard from my dad but he hasn't said anything on the situation. I just feel so sad. I know I have been co dependant on them and I'm quite sure my mum has liked this and encouraged it.

Of course she's encouraged it - if you're dependent on them they can treat you however they like and you're more likely to put up with it .

It's really hard when it's the only (birth) family you have - mine consists of my M and sister, so now I don't speak to my M, I literally just have my sister - which is a whole can of worms as she and my M are still very enmeshed in each other's lives...

I always try to remember that the less you depend on them, the less they can let you down - and the less you will need them. And I spend the time I previously spent trying to keep my narc M happy, on being happy with my 'own' family (ie the DC and DH) and with my friends .

BTW a little update on my situation where I was getting really stressed out about putting some boundaries in place with my sister - basically I had texted her to say I didn't want my DC to stay at hers without me because our M may turn up there anytime. My sister didn't reply, which I interpreted as her being angry with me. Yesterday she sent a reply which didn't make reference to it apart from saying maybe she could take the DC out for the day somewhere?

So I'm taking that to mean she did get my message and has kind of accepted it, but doesn't want to talk about it?

I find this whole setting boundaries thing really hard, but at least I'm doing it, I suppose...

I'd be interested to hear people's thoughts on this. I'll try and keep it short.... I have a tendency to bang on

Dsis is almost 9 years younger than me and as a fully parentified good girl daughter I did a lot of caring for her when she was small. M split from Dsis father when she was 12m old so I was 10 . M then "had a breakdown" which meant she basically went out drinking all the time. In that time we saw Dsis father regularly as he pretty much treated me equally to Dsis. But he was an alcoholic and a bit useless so again I did a lot of caring for Dsis even when he was around. M developed addiction to heroin when I was about 14 so money was tight e.g. my laptop was regularly pawned and still I had a caring role for Dsis. Her father decided he wanted nothing to do with me when I was 17 (I expressed anger that he drink drove with us) but Dsis continued to see him and I would often drop her off and pick her up once I could drive (because I'm a good girl/second mother for her). So there's the context.

Now we're older (I'm 28, Dsis is 19) and I've realised I still take the parent role in that I offer praise but also guidance. I've lately stopped that because guidance was hated by M and Dsis. However while I'm not allowed to offer any opinions, any drama or achievement of theirs they expect bountiful praise from me.

So if something bad happens they turn up and M says "Your Dsis just wanted you, you always make her feel better" or if something good happens it's M saying "Your Dsis wanted to tell you first before anyone "
She's basically always trying to say how much Dsis needs me and loves me. Why?

But when I don't do it on their terms, e.g. at 18 Dsis wanted to donate eggs and I questioned it, the hormones, the knowledge of a child out there, why not think about it for a couple of years... and I'm accused of "always having a go". Anything other than a shoulder to cry on or a praise giver is bad.

Why do they want me some of the time but appear to find me so unsupportive other times? Why does M always make those comments. I try and keep my mouth shut now as I can't win but it crazes me.

Hey Flump cross posted.

That's great about your sister. A step in the right direction I guess! It's good she seems to have had a think about it. Well done for not filling the lack of response with apologies or anything.

I know the feeling of having no family it's my really my mum and my sister.

flump thank you so much for your reply. It was hard to see dh go from strong to quickly wanting to reply straight away when that text came. I will talk to him about your wording tonight.

Good luck with your sister. As long as you mum doesn't 'just happen' to meet them when they are out it sounds like it is hopefully moving forward in a good way

Hi GoAwayDailyMail

re your comment:-

"DH says that we have to think about two consequences of going NC. 1) Is his rship with Pil and 2) Our DC rships with Pil. This is the first time he has mentioned the possibility of NC for the DC. He is no longer wanting me to continue working on my rship with her as he would not blame for never talking to her again. I have said if she apologised then we could go back to trying to have a rship. I have said point 1 is a moot point as I would never tell him he could not see his own parents. We have decided not to make a rash decision about point 2 last night but to think carefully and present a united front".

Your DH is still very much the scapegoat in his family of origin and is still very much mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his mother and her willing enabler in the shape of his dad. Families of scapegoated adults also get scapegoated and sadly what you have written here including the update does not surprise me at all. These people really do have no sense of boundaries and will continue to hassle you.

Your DH can continue a relationship (well actually its not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist but he still wants her approval hence his FOG) with them if he wants to (I would not advise this at all) but it does not follow that you have to meekly follow. His own inertia when it comes to his parents (that has also happened through their conditioning of him)is hurting him as much as you people.

His mother's text is Manipulation 101; do not reply to it!!. Radio silence from you must be maintained. If a reply is sent, no matter how nicely worded it will be used against you to attach. It also gives them an "in" to have a go at you both even more. It will also do your children no favours at all to see their parents being continuously disrespected by their grandparents.

Your only mistake in your above comment has been this:-
"I have said if she apologised then we could go back to trying to have a rship"

You are still applying the "normal" rules of familial interactions to people who are inherently dysfunctional. The "normal" rules go out the window when it comes to dysfunctional emotionally unhealthy families. Your MIL is too disordered of thinking, controlling behaviours are abusive and she may well have a personality disorder. An apology if ever given (and begrudgingly) would be a non apology; a, " I am sorry you feel that way" sort of thing. Toxic people NEVER apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions; you need to be aware of that fact.

These people have done more than enough damage to your family unit as it is. Draw a line in the sand and state no more. Protect your children from these malign influences, your DH as it stands currently really cannot do that.

Ah you're so welcome goaway . It can be a bit of a case of one step forward, two steps back when you (or in your case your DH) realise exactly how toxic your family situation is. Once you know, things can never go back to how they were, even if you may want them to in some ways. But it's also not just a case of 'oh right, ok, I will cut her off now and forever' and that's the end of it. Our mothers have spent years programming us to comply, so it's hard to just switch off. But you know your DH wants to deal with this, which is the main thing. So you can help him .

Btw I do agree that the best course of action is to ignore, but personally I wasn't ready to do that straight away, which is where a 'grey rock' kind of response can help in the mean time (ie factual, calm, non-emotional).

On the subject of my sister, I can't be sure but I don't think she would engineer a meeting of my DC with our M intentionally. It's more that my M has a key to my sister's house and comes and goes as she pleases, never even knocks or announces herself, etc, as if it is her home. So my sister literally has no say as to whether our M turns up there at any time or not.

Sounds nuts but it was just the same for me until I changed the locks a few months ago....

Ignore my previous post. I was in a good mood and felt like I was examining M from the outside. Now I've spent some time with her this afternoon. All little things happened but it's like I'm seeing it all now and I feel totally drained and also sad like I'm making it all up or being unfair. Trying to reconcile how I always saw M with what I'm starting to see now is hard. I don't trust I'm not making a big deal out of normal behaviour. I've no idea. Am I just seeing her through a lense now that makes her look bad?

Pulling, good news about the house, sounds like it should all run to plan.
Goawaydailymail, I have had very similar stuff from my m... i just try to disengage from it, but I do tell her its emotional blackmail. It usually prompts her to try something different but she's not had much practice with other techniques as emotional blackmail has always worked so well.
badtasteflump, you set a boundary with your sis! Congratulations!
Chocolateandbiscuits, your toxic family are just attempting to ruin your holiday. Don't let them. Relax and enjoy it. Your decision about whether to go or not (and whether to get back with your ex) is between the two of you and the only other person to consider is your ds. It is no one else' business.
Lenl, feeling like you've made it all up or are being unfair is part of our problem. We feel like everything is our own faults, we've been groomed to do it.

I mentioned before M is going to the police about the sexual abuse she experienced. They referred her to a local charity which offers therapy (which I've mentioned several times before). Within about 10 mins of arriving at mine today she told me how on the way to the first appointment which was booked for 10am she started crying hysterically so she texted the therapist at 10.05am to say she would be a little late. She then continued driving and the therapist tried to call but she did not answer as driving. Stopped at a red light she saw a text which was from the therapist saying basically she was too late for this session and they would need to rearrange. By this point it was 10.25 and she wasn't even there yet. I dont think this is an unreasonable response from the therapist.

M felt that it was dreadful, the therapist should have more sensitivity to how hard this would be for her, she'd have still had 30 minutes, the therapist could have at least asked if she was ok blah blah blah. She hadn't told the therapist why she was running late and I doubt the poor woman is a bloody mind reader. L M's response was to not bother replying and just go home. I said I thought she should give them a go still, that the therapist didn't know why she was late and M started on about how painful it all is and she'll never be 100% so why drag through it she's feeling awful at the moment. I think I was meant to push her but I didn't want to get into it so just said not to go if she doesn't want to. That deflated her.

It just seemed so self centred. Why should the therapist pander to her being 30 mins late? You should be on time, a service is being provided to you. As far as the therapist was concerned M had texted, the therapist had tried to call back but got no answer and then 20 mins later M still wasn't there.

She is always always late anyway so it wouldn't all been due to being upset. She should have left extra time to get her head together in the car park or something. But she really couldn't see how she was anything other than the victim of a cruel therapist who couldn't possibly understand childhood abuse, despite me pointing out that most people doing the job are likely to have some kind of experience directly or indirectly.

Recently she was an hour late and I had to cancel our plans as DS needed a nap. Today when we made arrangements for next week I half jokingly said "don't be an hour late" and she was clearly annoyed and huffed and said "of COURSE I won't be" as though I'd said something utterly bewildering.

I just feel like she's actually very selfish. Does this seem selfish?

Just been reflecting on my most recent session. We had a discussion about my m and how she has not helped me develop much self esteem and in some respects it is very low. I need to build my self esteem, but how do I build it? Can I build it while in reality she still chips away at it, with comments which basically let me know that I don't matter? Is the answer nc? Has anyone every been able to maintain contact but really build themselves, so the relationship has no effect?
As people have said it's a lifetime of programming and it's hard to unpick.

Attila ds decided that talking to them about his results would be a bad idea so didn't bother. Am relieved because they would have been awful.

Hopefully the move goes to plan because then we'll be too far away for them to do anything.

So far Nan has written weekly,so I'm hoping that will continue.

Hi all, I've posted on some of the previous threads but haven't posted since last Christmas I wonder if you can help me come up with a solution.

We've been completely NC with my maternal family mum, brother and nan for a year. In that year they have sent presents to my dd and a wedding invite which we ignored/donated.

I have an aunt that is acting as a flying monkey to my mother, I believe that she is constantly fishing for information and then feeding it back to my mother. Sizes of clothes ect.
I told her that I had given away the gifts sent at Christmas and explained why I'm NC.

This week was dd birthday, they've sent a personalised item and clothes in dd's bigger than her age size, I believe this is in response to the news I've donated the previous gifts, as they think I can't get rid of this one as my dd's name is not very common.
Can I just give it to the charity shop? I hate to skip stuff and there's nothing wrong with it.

They also sent it from nana and grandpa.

I'm trying not to let it upset me but it's really annoying me that they think they can call themselves that when they've never even met dd.

I hate they can suck me back into the FOG and make me question myself

Thanks for the sympathy this family.
I'm ice cold now. I just try really hard to not react to their bullshit. No point, they'll never get it.

Themystery I think clothes donated to charity that can't be sold are sent for fabric recycling, so it's still OK to donate them. Or put them in a clothing bank that you find in car parks etc? Don't spend too much time thinking about it, otherwise they've sucked you in again (I know it's hard not to though...).

The mystery

Continue not to acknowledge these items in any way.

I would donate those items to the charity shop as well. Unwanted items like this are simply unwanted. Disordered of thinking people often send "gifts" either to obligate or as a way of further trying to exert some power and control over those who have gone no contact with them.

I would also be in a no contact position with this female flying monkey of an aunt; this person is acting in her own interests and certainly not in yours.

Thanks for the replies. It's a personalised child's chair specifically for a significant birthday do you think it will still be saleable? If you were crafty you could probably do something with it I suppose? I'll look like a right bitch taking it to the charity shop (FOG I know)

Attila the aunt is actually my father's sister but when my DGM died a few years ago my mother took it as an opportunity to insert herself back into their lives having not seen them since she divorced my father over 10 years before. DA grew up with my mother as her SIL/ older sister figure and I think she's now fulfilling a type of mother figure for her.
Having lost her own mother so young I think she is upset that I won't talk to mine and is trying to fix our relationship.

I don't want to to go NC with Aunt, I do edit what I say to her now sadly as I know it's probably being reported back

I suppose I will need to learn to deal with the relationship in a way that I am still protected if I want to maintain contact

I don't know why she can't just leave the rest of my family alone! They aren't even anything to do with her, it's bad enough she's got it so my brother has completely cut my father off

Hi trolley

I would still take this item to a charity shop; one man's rubbish is another person's treasure after all. Besides which you never asked for this chair so its unwanted in any case. The chair is just another way of trying to get you back into the dysfunctional fold; its another way of trying to obligate you so do not give that object any more power.

Unfortunately your father's sister is doing and will do more harm than good to your own family unit. The road to hell is after all paved with good intentions and your aunt's meddling here is self serving really to her. Its meeting a need within her to do this and she is certainly not acting in your own interests. She is not interested in hearing your side of things and it is for that reason too she should be ignored by you.

Thanks Attila I see what you're saying it's so hard I feel like she's already taken so much from me