Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I accidentally 'slut shamed' a new acquaintance. What should I do?

184 replies

CircleofWillis · 14/08/2017 21:22

A few months ago I went to two hen nights for a woman I didn't know well. My husband was best man to the groom and was going to be fully occupied at the wedding including eating with the wedding party. As I didn't know anyone there the bride very kindly invited me to her hen nights so that I would know a group of people at the wedding. The first hen do was a drinking night with a pub crawl and clubbing and everyone was dressed for a night on the town I.e. legs and / or cleavage out. The second hen do was in a spa. I had a great time and got on well with the other hens and spent time with two in particular who seemed to have a similar sense of humour. At the wedding I sat on a table with a couple of the women and thought the evening went well. However last week my DH was invited out for a meal for his friend's birthday but was asked not to bring me as the group thought I was bitchy. I called up the bride to ask what was going on. She revealed that I had really upset one of the hens at the wedding by a flip comment I had said namely "I didn't recognise you with your clothes on". I had just meant that we had all been in revealing clothing on the night out and in swimsuits and towelling robes at the spa but she took it to mean that I was criticising her clothes on the night out. She spent the night of the wedding in tears when she got back to her room. She has just been through a traumatic divorce and apparently has been wearing a different style of dress all the time not just on the hen night. I honestly didn't mean to be critical I just thought I was making a silly comment but I can see why she thought I was being bitchy. Also on the night out we were making comments along with another friend about other people (mainly the men) in the club some of which in the clear light of day were not kind (e.g. Trying to guess who was wearing a toupee or had plugs).

I won't be attending the birthday party but want to send apologies (the bride doesn't think I should speak to her in person). I'm not sure what to say though. I'm really sorry but do think she is overreacting a bit. This happened in May and it still appears to be raw for her. What should I say and should I write a note or send apologies via my DH?

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 14/08/2017 21:26

TBH I think my DH would refuse the invite if he was asked not to bring me. You didn't intend to be rude, it wasn't a particularly rude thing to say, she has just been over-sensitive about it and now they are being bitchy about you. IMO I think you need to ignore them, but your DH needs to decide where his loyalty lies and stand up for your.

TheLuminaries · 14/08/2017 21:27

I would be a bit stumped - it all sounds like a massive storm in a tea cup to me. Can the bride not just tell her friend she misinterpreted a silly joke, you attend the birthday party and life can carry out without a big dance and dance over nothing? Or can your DH not say anything?

I actually cannot imagine my husband going to a meal I wasn't invited to because I was supposed to be 'bitchy'. He knows me and would totally challenge such a slur on my loveliness. These friends sound like high maintenance pains.

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/08/2017 21:27

I think you should send her a huge bouquet, a note explaining how sorry you are (with no "I just meant..." excuses) and work on not being so critical of people. Slagging folk off with friends in a club isn't going to give anyone a great opinion of you; if you criticise others clothes/hair/looks odds are you'll do it to them.

My Dad always used to tell me "say nothing unless it's an improvement on silence" and I try to live by it. If it isn't kind, it isn't worth saying.

HalfShellHero · 14/08/2017 21:28

Hmmm we all say things now and again that can offend peoe without realising although i agree personally her reaction is OTT most adults acknowledge a flip comment , bury it and move on...i also thong the group are being a bit cliquey and im surprised your DH is still going despite you being snubbed tbh.

SparklingRaspberry · 14/08/2017 21:28

If you feel like apologising will make things okay then go ahead and do so

Personally I think this woman needs to get a grip and grow some thicker skin!
You haven't slut shamed her at all. You made a joke. If she had a problem she should've been mature and spoke to you about it. Ironic she accuses you of being bitchy, yet she went and moaned about you to the bride instead of speaking to you herself Hmm

I would perhaps message her if you want to saying something like "hi.. I hear from so and so that I upset you with my comment at the wedding. Please know I didn't mean anything by it, I was simply making a joke. I would never wish to offend you" and let the bride know you've tried making amends.

I think she's massively over reacting. Divorce or not.

HalfShellHero · 14/08/2017 21:29

*people and think

SparklingRaspberry · 14/08/2017 21:29

Whooo - send her flowers?! Are you serious???

She made a light hearted joke and this woman massively over reacted!!!

The only reason I'd send flowers is to say "sorry, I heard you were mourning your sense of humour"

tribpot · 14/08/2017 21:30

Totally agree. What you said was meant to be light-hearted and I would imagine that was clear from your tone. The friend may have felt her confidence was knocked by your comment, but that would be a reason to talk to you about it and give you a chance to apologise for unintentionally causing her upset - not to have you exiled from the group of friends.

Your DH does need to choose sides (and to be clear, needs to choose your side).

Escapepeas · 14/08/2017 21:31

A huge bouquet? Ridiculous! The OP wasn't slagging her off, it was a misunderstanding which should be able to be cleared up with a phone call to explain and apologise for inadvertently upsetting her.

A massive fuss over very little.

Hassled · 14/08/2017 21:31

There has to be more than this going on. You made a pretty innocuous comment which made total sense in context, but yet the whole group think you're bitchy? Either the bride isn't telling you everything - i.e you said more than you remember - or the woman who's taken offence has embellished it a bit. Because otherwise it's a massive overreaction. And yes, if you're apparently too "bitchy" to be invited I don't think your DH should attend.

AnyFucker · 14/08/2017 21:33

I don't think you should give it another thought

"I didn't recognise you with your clothes on" is a recognised jokey comment and she is making something out of nothing

Spending the night of someone's wedding "in tears" smacks of attention seeking bollocks and she needs to get a grip

I would expect your H to decline the invite and tell them he has no wish to deal with such childish nonsense

I reckon if you make a stand, you will get some private messages of support from people pissed off with her amateur dramatics

Just my thoughts on the matter

sororitynoise · 14/08/2017 21:34

Send her flowers?? Lmao

She's Ott

Mumof56 · 14/08/2017 21:35

I also think she is massively overreacting and wonder who really is bitchy. For them to exclude you but invite your dh is a bitchy move. I wouldn't be sending her flowers. If you want to reach out and apologise do, There's a touch of "means girls" about the whole situation

Escapepeas · 14/08/2017 21:37

And yes, if you are disinvited for such ludicrous reasons, your DH shouldn't go either.

A former friend of DH's invited him to a party but said I was not welcome (for reasons too tedious to go into here). DH immediately told tosspot that if I wasn't welcome, he wasn't coming either.

Enchantedflamingo · 14/08/2017 21:38

You didn't slut shame her even remotely. At all. The bride doesn't want you to talk to her...so you should do exactly that - ignore th bride and talk to her. Generally when people say "but oh don't say anything to her" they're missing s huge chunk of a story out...

MadisonMontgomery · 14/08/2017 21:41

She needs to get a grip. Seriously, she spent the evening in tears - ridiculously attention-seeking. Don't even think of apologising, and if I were you I wouldn't even want to go for the meal.

Bluntness100 · 14/08/2017 21:41

I'm not sure actually. When you say "we" were making unkind comments about other people, "mainly men" which indicates also women, who else was doing this with you? And who was the ring leader in being unkind about these people, was it uou or did you maybe go too far?

It might not just be the " I don't recognise you with your clothes on" comment, which could be construed as bitchy depending on how it was said, but it could also be an accumulation of this and the other behaviour.

If it was just a sillly humours comment usually the other women would talk her down, in this instance they aren't, they are agreeing with her, so I'm wondering if this is a wider issue with your behaviour.

Witsender · 14/08/2017 21:44

I would hope your husband is planning on going? That would be hugely disloyal

Justdontknow4321 · 14/08/2017 21:45

The thing is you didn't actually know any of these women, there not friends. You tagged along on a hen do and then you made a rude comment considering she doesn't actually know you that well and you don't know them. I would just leave it personally, she obviously doesn't like you now and considering it was may and she now doesn't want you at things (inviting dp but not you) and requests are being made for you to stay away I don't think an apology will be accepted. She will just say your only saying sorry so you can be invited to things.

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/08/2017 21:45

the group thought I was bitchy

The OP was deliberately not invited to an event because more than one person in the group thought she was a bitch. What's the common denominator? The woman may have been feeling vulnerable and insecure and while that wasn't OP's issue, causing offence like that doesn't happen out of nowhere. OP admits they were picking fault with strangers. Why would adults need to do that to enjoy themselves? Sounds like OP really is a bit bitchy and now she's been called out on it she's accusing them of overreacting.

Justdontknow4321 · 14/08/2017 21:47

Also I don't know why your making unkind comments about people in a club - you do seem a bit bitchy, I hope you looked perfect while you were clearly slagging strangers off.

mastfest · 14/08/2017 21:51

She has issues which aren't your problem.

TattyCat · 14/08/2017 21:55

I don't know how you can be bothered to even fret about such childishness. In your shoes, I'd be happy for DH to go for a meal with them if he really wanted to, and I'd have a lovely relaxing evening all to myself and eat lovely things without having to share Grin (mine nicks any chocolate and/or crisps so his absence is a treat in itself!).

You don't know these people very well so let them get on with their silliness. They'll have to get offended by someone else...

redsquirrel2 · 14/08/2017 21:55

Presumably you weren't the only one making the comments in the club? Which sound like just a bit of fun anyway. And the girl at the wedding massively over-reacted to your joke. They all sound a bit precious and high-maintenance really. And they're bitching about you so they're hypocrites! Your H should support you and not go.

WooWooSister · 14/08/2017 21:56

The thing is that you aren't sorry. You think she's over-reacting. So any apology would be insincere. I don't know if you were being bitchy or not but I do know that you're not genuinely sorry so don't pretend that you are just so you can get invited out with them.
As for your DH, I'd expect him to decline the invitation unless he thinks you're bitchy. In which case, you need to have an honest conversation with him either about loyalties or about how you come across.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.