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Original poster

I accidentally 'slut shamed' a new acquaintance. What should I do?

184 replies

CircleofWillis · 14/08/2017 21:22

A few months ago I went to two hen nights for a woman I didn't know well. My husband was best man to the groom and was going to be fully occupied at the wedding including eating with the wedding party. As I didn't know anyone there the bride very kindly invited me to her hen nights so that I would know a group of people at the wedding. The first hen do was a drinking night with a pub crawl and clubbing and everyone was dressed for a night on the town I.e. legs and / or cleavage out. The second hen do was in a spa. I had a great time and got on well with the other hens and spent time with two in particular who seemed to have a similar sense of humour. At the wedding I sat on a table with a couple of the women and thought the evening went well. However last week my DH was invited out for a meal for his friend's birthday but was asked not to bring me as the group thought I was bitchy. I called up the bride to ask what was going on. She revealed that I had really upset one of the hens at the wedding by a flip comment I had said namely "I didn't recognise you with your clothes on". I had just meant that we had all been in revealing clothing on the night out and in swimsuits and towelling robes at the spa but she took it to mean that I was criticising her clothes on the night out. She spent the night of the wedding in tears when she got back to her room. She has just been through a traumatic divorce and apparently has been wearing a different style of dress all the time not just on the hen night. I honestly didn't mean to be critical I just thought I was making a silly comment but I can see why she thought I was being bitchy. Also on the night out we were making comments along with another friend about other people (mainly the men) in the club some of which in the clear light of day were not kind (e.g. Trying to guess who was wearing a toupee or had plugs).

I won't be attending the birthday party but want to send apologies (the bride doesn't think I should speak to her in person). I'm not sure what to say though. I'm really sorry but do think she is overreacting a bit. This happened in May and it still appears to be raw for her. What should I say and should I write a note or send apologies via my DH?

OP posts:
Enidblyton1 · 15/08/2017 16:18

Hmm I can totally believe everything happened as you say circle, because a friend of mine had an almost identical experience happen after a hen do about 6 months ago.
My friend made a silly (but not nasty) comment about something and one of the hens completely turned on her. This hen was a queen bee, but also very insecure person. She obviously felt threatened by my lovely friend and managed to turn the bride and the other hens against her. My friend was completely bemused by the whole experience and described it in much the same way you have.

I would write a short, factual apology to this woman and try and forget about it. It sounds like your DH can carry on as before meeting up with the groom and is unlikely to see this woman again.

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 15/08/2017 19:04

Ok I think I'll send this one:
Dear Vicky (not her real name),
I am really sorry to have offended you at the wedding. I made a silly comment which was meant as a joke and there was really no malice behind it. I regret that my comment soured your friend's celebration for you. Please accept my apologies.
Yours sincerely
Circle
Thank you mummy and everyone else for your help. The birthday party is on Friday so I'll send a note with my DH.

I know some pp think I shouldn't send an apology but it is not something I could feel comfortable leaving as it is. After this I can just forget about it as I am unlikely to meet anyone but the bride again.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2017 20:04

Perfect. Now stop sweating it. You know and we know you're lovely. You've been used as a scapegoat.

retainertrainer · 15/08/2017 20:09

I really think that you should put that the joke was in reference to wearing a swimming costume so she can't accuse you of 'slut shaming'.

retainertrainer · 15/08/2017 20:10

I really think that you should put that the joke was in reference to wearing a swimming costume so she can't accuse you of 'slut shaming'.

teaandtoast · 15/08/2017 20:23

Agree with retainer and I'd leave out the second 'really'.

Gunpowder · 15/08/2017 20:31

I'd send my DH and get him to say to the bride and as many ppl as possible 'Circle's absolutely mortified she upset drama-llama so much, it was just a silly joke because everyone was in bikinis at the spa, nothing to do with what she wore on the night out, we hope she's ok now.'

I think that makes it clear you weren't being mean and probably also highlights her overreaction.

PuppyMonkey · 15/08/2017 20:42

Sorry to butt in after all the other posts but having finally RTFT I also think you should reference the fact that this is a fairly well known joke/saying - it's got nothing to do with slut shaming, or Benny Hill etc. My DP said it just the other day to a bloke he usually sees at swimming.

Flybye · 15/08/2017 20:51

Yes you need to drop in there that you made the joke because last time you saw her she was wearing a swim suit

sonjadog · 15/08/2017 20:54

These people sound awful. The hen overreacted and made it all about her at someone else´s wedding, and the others joined her for a pile on. I would send the apology, just to show you are the bigger person, but I would also stay well away from this group of people again. They will bitch about and find fault any time you go near them.

buckeejit · 15/08/2017 23:11

Ok, you sound lovely, but you don't actually know why they think you're bitchy according to your penultimate post. IF dh has form for making you look bad, you really need to check your facts, most people as you can see think its a little OTT to be offended by that comment after a spa day.

I think your original note is lovely and you'll get your answer about their dickishness by their response to a beyond reasonable apology!

Howlongtilldinner · 16/08/2017 00:17

I really admire your maturity OP. I would NEVER send an apology NEVER! The reason being, she will not appreciate it. She/they, will not see it as a heartfelt apology, a sincere gesture, no no, I promise you it won't.

I think you have made your mind up though, so fair play to you. I sincerely hope they acknowledge your very kind gesture, but don't hold your breathHmm

Let us know how the party went!

ariverinegypt77 · 16/08/2017 07:08

It sounds as though you may have stirred up some jealousies in the group from the more attention seeking contingencies! Often we try hard in a new group to get people to like us but this can be threatening to the already established dynamics.
Weddings are rather tense affairs, I find, and sadly you may have been scapegoated to account for some of the tensions in the group.
Sod 'em!

mummmy2017 · 16/08/2017 07:27

Can I add a though.
Send the note with an envelope and put it in another envelope and ask the bride if she would mind passing it on and can she read it before it's delivered, as the last thing you want to do is offend the lady a 2nd time.

Reason of doing this.
The person has used a time when the bride had no idea what you did or said to maline you, this way the bride will know you were upset enough to want to say sorry, and should this lady try to use the note in a spiteful way the bride will already know what it said, after all she has said everyone else like you.

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 16/08/2017 09:09

@Mummy, I'll get DH to take a picture of the message in case the bride would like to see it but otherwise I think I just want him to quietly hand it to the hen with a quick explanation of 'Circle asked me to give you this'.

OP posts:
tribpot · 16/08/2017 10:53

Surely if a recently-divorced hen was upset at a wedding it's more likely to be upset at the end of her own marriage than some comment about clothes? I appreciate that putting this in your apology note wouldn't really send the right message of conciliation Grin but I really wouldn't lose too much sleep over the idea that your throwaway remark caused all the tears and drama at the wedding.

NinonDeLenclos · 16/08/2017 11:00

I really think that you should put that the joke was in reference to wearing a swimming costume so she can't accuse you of 'slut shaming'

I agree, I think you need to clarify that as it sounds like she didn't get it at all.

It was a misunderstanding. Just saying it was a joke doesn't actually resolve the issue.

TipTopTipTopClop · 16/08/2017 11:12

So your husband is actually going to the party from which you've been disinvited?

How do you feel about that, OP?

Speckledtulip · 16/08/2017 12:22

Definitely clarify it was because you spent the weekend in swimwear if you must apologise to this nut job!

TipTop op said she doesn't mind him going. Must say I'd be livid if my DH went in this situation.

ClopySow · 16/08/2017 12:57

I thought your first note was great. I don't think other people need to approve it.
It's a genuine apology for unknowingly causing upset.

If it's any consolation you sound lovely and i'd quite like to have you as a friend.

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 20/08/2017 10:24

Update:
DH returned from the birthday party yesterday. The groom didn't seem to know about the whole thing and greeted DH with a "Circle not with you tonight? It was lovely seeing her and circle junior at the wedding." DH for once was diplomatic and just said I had to look after DC.

DH gave note to hen towards the end of the evening as it took him a while to be certain which one she was. He apparently just said "I'm Circle's husband she was really sorry to hear you were upset and asked me to give you this". (Lots of coaching before the party over the exact wording).

She approached him a bit later to say something along the lines of "thank you for the note. It was really sweet of her. Please tell her not to worry." DH quite tipsy by then so not exactly sure but I'm happy with that. Hopefully the whole thing is over now...

OP posts:
MrsPringles · 20/08/2017 10:31

I think she has overreacted. She's obviously feeling a bit sensitive after the divorce and has taken what you said the complete wrong way.

I don't think your husband should go without you tbh, mine wouldn't

MrsPringles · 20/08/2017 10:32

Oh. I hadn't read the whole thread Blush

EnidNextDoor · 20/08/2017 10:38

I'm a bit surprised by that update. Has the bride maybe decided she didn't like you and over egged the whole thing to exclude you? And the other woman actually was fine the whole time?

EnidNextDoor · 20/08/2017 10:41

And I just reread your op and it says the bride didn't want you to speak to the woman in person. Hmm. I'm not sure the woman was particularly offended at you now.

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