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Original poster

I accidentally 'slut shamed' a new acquaintance. What should I do?

184 replies

CircleofWillis · 14/08/2017 21:22

A few months ago I went to two hen nights for a woman I didn't know well. My husband was best man to the groom and was going to be fully occupied at the wedding including eating with the wedding party. As I didn't know anyone there the bride very kindly invited me to her hen nights so that I would know a group of people at the wedding. The first hen do was a drinking night with a pub crawl and clubbing and everyone was dressed for a night on the town I.e. legs and / or cleavage out. The second hen do was in a spa. I had a great time and got on well with the other hens and spent time with two in particular who seemed to have a similar sense of humour. At the wedding I sat on a table with a couple of the women and thought the evening went well. However last week my DH was invited out for a meal for his friend's birthday but was asked not to bring me as the group thought I was bitchy. I called up the bride to ask what was going on. She revealed that I had really upset one of the hens at the wedding by a flip comment I had said namely "I didn't recognise you with your clothes on". I had just meant that we had all been in revealing clothing on the night out and in swimsuits and towelling robes at the spa but she took it to mean that I was criticising her clothes on the night out. She spent the night of the wedding in tears when she got back to her room. She has just been through a traumatic divorce and apparently has been wearing a different style of dress all the time not just on the hen night. I honestly didn't mean to be critical I just thought I was making a silly comment but I can see why she thought I was being bitchy. Also on the night out we were making comments along with another friend about other people (mainly the men) in the club some of which in the clear light of day were not kind (e.g. Trying to guess who was wearing a toupee or had plugs).

I won't be attending the birthday party but want to send apologies (the bride doesn't think I should speak to her in person). I'm not sure what to say though. I'm really sorry but do think she is overreacting a bit. This happened in May and it still appears to be raw for her. What should I say and should I write a note or send apologies via my DH?

OP posts:

mummymummums · 14/08/2017 21:58

Unless there's a lot more to this, she's a ridiculous drama queen.
To be honest you seem to have been singled out as unwanted and as a bitchy group they've ganged up and ousted you. I sincerely hope your DH won't stand by and allow this. He ought to have nipped this in the bud and poured scorn on the very suggestion, assuming he doesn't think you're a bitch.
One possible explanation - someone's after your DH and wants you out the picture - maybe the newly divorced drama queen.....

NataliaOsipova · 14/08/2017 21:58

"I didn't recognise you with your clothes on"

I'd say that was a pretty standard comedy line which can be used to almost anyone one has only ever seen before in a different context. For context, I think I last used it when I bumped into my DD's swimming teacher (young chap, seems very jolly with the kids) in a coffee shop. I normally see him in his (perfectly respectable) swimming stuff, but there he was ordering a latte in dry clothes. We both had a laugh.

In the context in which you used it, I would automatically assume you were referring to the fact that you'd all been in dressing gowns together. Even if she interpreted it as a criticism of the revealing nature of her evening dress, why would this lead to her crying all night? Bizarre. She needs to get a grip.

BakerBear · 14/08/2017 21:59

I personally think you dont sound very nice.

You were bitching about strangers in public etc which makes people wonder what you would say about them.

The comment you made to her about not recognising her with her clothes on was a cheap dig at her which again is a socially inappropriate comment.

You do need to think before you speak.

However i do think she is massively making a mountain out of a molehill.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2017 21:59

I don't think the trying to find out who was wearing a toupe is bitchy. It sounds more like a bit of drunken silliness. It's immature of course. And it was a hen night.

The woman in question has obviously been through a really tough time. If she's a bit immature, sometimes it's normal to overreact. I'd get dh to talk to the bride and send a note to the woman concerned that you are sorry your innocent comment has caused her so much distress. You had no idea she was going through a difficult period in her life and you would not have wanted to add to that. If they cannot graciously accept you apology, your dp needs back away from them.

The same sort of thing happened with dh and a large group of his friends, who never accepted me. It was a difficult few months to get past and dh didn't handle losing touch with these people very well. We've moved on now. But he doesn't have many friends.

Fintress · 14/08/2017 22:00

we were making comments along with another friend about other people (mainly the men)

Mainly the men which means also the women. I think there is more to this than you're saying. I can't imagine anyone sitting in their room weeping because of what you said re clothes.

thestamp · 14/08/2017 22:01

She is completely OTT but this the kind of thing I assume is the product of the other person having a bad day, and I just try to kill it with kindness.

I'd absolutely send flowers or a note of apology. And then be pleasant and polite in person. No groveling, no bringing it up again. If she brings it up, or someone else does - "I did hear she was upset by my comment - pretty mortifying for all involved - a real shame" and move on without so much as a flinch of shame.

Some people are really sensitive to being called out as looking slapperish. My exdh has made me pretty sensitive to it tbh (not this sensitive but still). My dm isn't great at this either. I'd give the benefit of the doubt but not sacrifice my dignity over it.

Doilooklikeatourist · 14/08/2017 22:01

Massive overreaction on the hens part
Bride should have told her she was being daft
I don't think my DH would go somewhere that I wasn't welcome

And move on , they don't sound that nice really

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2017 22:01

I should have added, I was never accepted in the group because the women, who were in charge wanted dh to themselves. Had we split up, he would have been pounced on by a number of these vipers.

NinonDeLenclos · 14/08/2017 22:02

The thing is that you aren't sorry. You think she's over-reacting

Nonsense, you can be sorry that someone's feelings were hurt unintentionally at the same time as thinking they are over-reacting.

She is over-reacting.

A standard flip comedy line, related to the fact that they'd all been in a spa together, has been taken as some deep insult. I appreciate she's going through divorce, but it's absurd.

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 14/08/2017 22:02

I disagree with the "if you can't go your DH shouldn't go" comments, these people are his friends and you, unintentionally, upset one of them. If your DH refuses to go because you can't go that may end up making the situation worse.

Just send the upset friend a message, on fb or through DH, saying that you are really sorry you upset her. It was a thoughtless comment and you have realised you need to think a bit more before you say things that could be taken the wrong way.

She may be over reacting, but if she's in a vulnerable place it's not very surprising she took it the wrong way.

Unless there's a lot more to the story I'd suggest just trying to smooth things over. You don't have to be best mates with them but this situation won't be easy for your DH if he his wife and friends can't get along.

lookatyourwatchnow · 14/08/2017 22:02

Oh she sounds like a proper knobhead, don't apologise. Your DH absolutely shouldn't be going without you!

NinonDeLenclos · 14/08/2017 22:03

It's like saying: 'we must stop meeting like this' or 'that's a nice little something you're almost wearing'.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 14/08/2017 22:04

I personally think you dont sound very nice.
But it is also really out of order to not invite someone's OH explicitly because 'she's bitchy'. It's just not good manners if everyone else's partners are going, you invite both or neither, and if they are good enough friends of someone's DH for him to be best man then they are good enough friends to tolerate his OH on his account, regardless of their feelings. It's not as it she tried to shag the groom ffs.

VestalVirgin · 14/08/2017 22:04

Explain that it was a misunderstanding and that you did not mean what she thought you meant. Just that.
Like you explained here.

If you want, you can apologize for not considering the possibility that someone might misunderstand.

Don't mention that you feel she overreacted. You have a point, but it wouldn't help any.

VestalVirgin · 14/08/2017 22:07

But it is also really out of order to not invite someone's OH explicitly because 'she's bitchy'

Yeah, that's weird. And everyone believing her version of things without anyone even trying to find out whether it was meant that way.

If someone told me that someone I thought was nice was bitchy, I'd want to know why, and would ask the person in question. Especially with such a comment, someone who's not going through a horrible divorce at the time would be able to see that it doesn't have to be meant like that!

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 14/08/2017 22:08

"That's a nice little something you're almost wearing"

I don't really know what that means but if I heard someone say that I'd assume they meant it in a mean way.

Maybe that's what happened here?

Pantryboy · 14/08/2017 22:11

OP she is being stupid take no notice of the simpleton and as for the 'syrup of figs ' convo I think it sounds hilarious and I am lolling here about it .

Underthemoonlight · 14/08/2017 22:14

I agree with bluntness I think there's more to this story and I wonder if you were drunk and coming across as judgemental and bitchy about people. I don't even notice other people on a night out I'm too busy enjoying myself to comment on people's clothing or what they look like. My friends sil was like this. She was such a judgemental bitch would slag off anyone's appearance and down right nasty individual when I met her she gave off a horrible vibe thankfully my friend has gone nc after all the trouble she caused in her marriage. It would be interesting to hear the other POV and there fact the group are in agreement with her.

Valderal · 14/08/2017 22:15

OP. If your DH takes up this invitation without you then he is encouraging a them vs you situation.

Completely churlish and I'm a bit weirded out by this groups behaviour

I find it odd that DH was best man to a couple you'd never met?
Weren't these friends at your own wedding?

diddl · 14/08/2017 22:15

I'm suprised that the bride didn't manage to explain it to her.

If the group thought that you were bitchy though maybe there is more to it.

It must have been pretty bad that your husband's friends have actually asked that he doesn't take you!

Valderal · 14/08/2017 22:17

Apologies for my lack of punctuation

VestalVirgin · 14/08/2017 22:21

I don't even notice other people on a night out I'm too busy enjoying myself to comment on people's clothing or what they look like.

OP didn't. Do read the post. She was just making a comment on the fact they had all been in bathrobes. If she had noticed the insulted woman wearing an unusually revealing dress, she'd have kept her mouth shut.

I know this because it often happens to me. I don't properly look at other people, and that's exactly why I then have no idea what would insult them.
Then I make a comment that's referring to myself, and someone is hurt. (Try saying that you shouldn't eat anymore or you'll get fat when the person standing next to you is obese. Could happen to me.)

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/08/2017 22:22

As others have said, the biggest issue is your DH going without you. That makes a very clear statement that he puts them over you and I wouldnt tolerate that.

Unfortunately the over sensitive flower is better friends with them all than you are and will always have her preferences honoured first, so best to distance yourself and ask your DH whether his marriage means more than his friends or vice versa.

TattyCat · 14/08/2017 22:23

I don't even notice other people on a night out I'm too busy enjoying myself to comment on people's clothing or what they look like.

Ditto this. In fact, I never notice people's clothing or appearance unless it's particularly noticeable for any reason. And I could never be bothered to pass comment either. I've come across people who have judged and it's not pleasant. BUT... the 'I didn't recognise you with your clothes on' is supposed to be funny! I despair of a world where something so simple can cause such offence. But I may be too old now and maybe those in their teens no longer understand this 'joke'.

Consideringbeingamom · 14/08/2017 22:23

She sounds like a precious little wuss, honestly don't beat yourself up about it. How old is she....11???!!

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