I accidentally 'slut shamed' a new acquaintance. What should I do?

[CircleofWillis]

A few months ago I went to two hen nights for a woman I didn't know well. My husband was best man to the groom and was going to be fully occupied at the wedding including eating with the wedding party. As I didn't know anyone there the bride very kindly invited me to her hen nights so that I would know a group of people at the wedding. The first hen do was a drinking night with a pub crawl and clubbing and everyone was dressed for a night on the town I.e. legs and / or cleavage out. The second hen do was in a spa. I had a great time and got on well with the other hens and spent time with two in particular who seemed to have a similar sense of humour. At the wedding I sat on a table with a couple of the women and thought the evening went well. However last week my DH was invited out for a meal for his friend's birthday but was asked not to bring me as the group thought I was bitchy. I called up the bride to ask what was going on. She revealed that I had really upset one of the hens at the wedding by a flip comment I had said namely "I didn't recognise you with your clothes on". I had just meant that we had all been in revealing clothing on the night out and in swimsuits and towelling robes at the spa but she took it to mean that I was criticising her clothes on the night out. She spent the night of the wedding in tears when she got back to her room. She has just been through a traumatic divorce and apparently has been wearing a different style of dress all the time not just on the hen night. I honestly didn't mean to be critical I just thought I was making a silly comment but I can see why she thought I was being bitchy. Also on the night out we were making comments along with another friend about other people (mainly the men) in the club some of which in the clear light of day were not kind (e.g. Trying to guess who was wearing a toupee or had plugs).

I won't be attending the birthday party but want to send apologies (the bride doesn't think I should speak to her in person). I'm not sure what to say though. I'm really sorry but do think she is overreacting a bit. This happened in May and it still appears to be raw for her. What should I say and should I write a note or send apologies via my DH?

I don't really know what that means but if I heard someone say that I'd assume they meant it in a mean way

If you don't know what it means why would you assume it was mean?

It's from James Bond.

Tears all night because you used a very commonly used throwaway line? I assume she was the worse from alcohol and that is why she overreacted. I'd be thinking it wasn't you who was being bitchy and agree it's really odd to invite a husband but not his wife. Are several of them single and hunting?

...unless it's particularly noticeable for any reason.

I mean very outlandish, fancy dress, a bit clashy colourful. Not normal 'night out' clothes.

I wouldn't give it another thought. It's an obvious, if unoriginal comment to make to someone you've only met twice, most recently when you were at a spa, and this woman sounds like a juvenile drama queen, and, while she may have been feeling vulnerable, that's no excus for turning her private issues into a major group drama.

I think that you've gone to far in a group that doesn't know you.

It's very different when people know that you are a nice person and you use sarcastic/piss taking humour. Than when you go straight in with it.

We've all had experience of someone who does nothing but make snide/bitchy comments and it just puts everyone on edge for the night.When people post about their MILs or SILs that do it, they are told to not invite them or be around them. That is what they group have decided to do, it isn't worth the risk of the evening being ruined.

You basically sat all night taking the pissout of people who were there to enjoy their night out, it's a strange way to enjoy yourself, if you're over 17.

Did your DH tell them to fuck the fuck off? Because I'd be pissed off with him if he didn't

FGS what a drama queen this hen is. I'd cut contact with the lot of them.

Don't send her flowers.

Send her a grip.

She needs one of those way more than flowers.

If it is just the comment about not recognising her with her clothes on, even if she didn't get that it was a well known throw away comment that would relate to the time at the spa if she is a bit self-conscious/over-sensitive at the moment, it is still somewhat peculiar that none of the other people that she has told this to has suggested this as a more likely interpretation

What i want to know is how come you don't seem to know your own husband s friends ? Im not saying you have to be best pals with them, but surely you should have met them afew times over the years. The fact that they feel comfortable enough to invite him out and ban you suggests he regularly socializes with them without you. Again im not saying you should be joined at the hip but you are a couple and they need to know you come as a couple.

Your husband needs to stand by you on this. Your his wife and if your not welcome then hes not going. He should be fighting your corner and acting as peace maker between you. If there really his friends they should give you a second chance.

Sometimes other people's reaction and reactions says more about their way of looking at situations, ie bitchy, mean girls thinking others are just as bitchy...?

And, from another angle, sometimes 'cheeky' comments can make you feel more that you're part of the group.

'That's a nice little something you're almost wearing there' is brilliant! And surely the situation gives you an idea about the intent.

I wonder too if there's more to this, and putting the spotlight on OP distracts from other issues... something to do with DH and the friends of the bride, maybe?

Random thoughts... there's more to this...

She was being ridiculous. How silly. Don't give it another thought. You've done nothing wrong.

Another vote for your DH should refuse the invite! They told him the group thought you were bitchy, yet only one fragile divorcee got upset when she shouldn't have done? It sounds very much like the group have been enjoying talking about you...it doesn't sound fair to you at all imo.

Jealous,clearly you got on well with everyone,the woman who was supposedly upset by your comment ,feels threatened by your presence,for some reason perhaps she felt you got on well with everyone and it bizarrely threatened her place in the group...group dinamics...nightmare..why the other women arnt telling her to get a grip is beyond me

If you've spend the night making fun of people and trying to guess who's got a toupee on and then made a questionable comment to another group member when your not particularly well acquainted with the group suggests that the bride is indulging in damage limitation by excluding you so you don't cause tensions at her wedding.

I use that comment A LOT..I wear a uniform for work, so when I see my colleagues outside of work I say it, just a silly comment which means nothing.

However, I would never be 'familiar' with any group of women that knew each other, and that I didn't know. I have a dry sense of humour, not everyone gets it.

I think to ask your DH not to bring you along is pathetic. I'd tell the lot of them to stick it up their indulged arses.

Send her flowers? I'd send her the name of a good therapist..silly cow!

I can't believe anyone would send flowers for this!

I think you made a bad first impression on them and they aren't interested in getting to know you further. Sorry, but that's your fault whether she was over sensitive or not. Given they are saying it as a group, I'm guessing there is a bit more to it, you were the ringleader in slagging off how others looked or the stuff you were saying was pretty bad.

The 'group' decided you were bitchy.

I'm not sure I could be bothered with any of them. They sound like they are all a bit gossipy.

I'd send a note saying that you are sorry and explaining what you meant but I wouldn't be racing to see them again.

She's massively overreacting. I'd just email the bride and say you're sorry to have upset her as you hadn't intended to, you were talking about being in swimsuits the last time you saw her and then I'd leave it at that. She can take it or leave it. The wedding is done now and it's not like you're being invited to future events so you never have to see any of them again.

Crikey she needs to get a grip if that's all you said. Hope she didn't go for the meal as that would be pretty crap too if he did.

How do you not know the bride very well being married to DH best friend?

What has DH said about the non invite? Has he spoke to the friend?

I would say this is a massive over reaction to a well used comment. I wear a uniform to work and very often when I meet people away from work that's what they say to me....
She needs to get a grip. You don't need to apologise.

Don't give it another thought, it's a common throw away line, if she wants to act like a bloody drama queen over it & the bride too, let them crack on with it. I hope your DH told them that.

I would hope you DH told them where to go. How dare they slag you off like that to your DH! They are the rude ones here NOT you