I accidentally 'slut shamed' a new acquaintance. What should I do?

[CircleofWillis]

A few months ago I went to two hen nights for a woman I didn't know well. My husband was best man to the groom and was going to be fully occupied at the wedding including eating with the wedding party. As I didn't know anyone there the bride very kindly invited me to her hen nights so that I would know a group of people at the wedding. The first hen do was a drinking night with a pub crawl and clubbing and everyone was dressed for a night on the town I.e. legs and / or cleavage out. The second hen do was in a spa. I had a great time and got on well with the other hens and spent time with two in particular who seemed to have a similar sense of humour. At the wedding I sat on a table with a couple of the women and thought the evening went well. However last week my DH was invited out for a meal for his friend's birthday but was asked not to bring me as the group thought I was bitchy. I called up the bride to ask what was going on. She revealed that I had really upset one of the hens at the wedding by a flip comment I had said namely "I didn't recognise you with your clothes on". I had just meant that we had all been in revealing clothing on the night out and in swimsuits and towelling robes at the spa but she took it to mean that I was criticising her clothes on the night out. She spent the night of the wedding in tears when she got back to her room. She has just been through a traumatic divorce and apparently has been wearing a different style of dress all the time not just on the hen night. I honestly didn't mean to be critical I just thought I was making a silly comment but I can see why she thought I was being bitchy. Also on the night out we were making comments along with another friend about other people (mainly the men) in the club some of which in the clear light of day were not kind (e.g. Trying to guess who was wearing a toupee or had plugs).

I won't be attending the birthday party but want to send apologies (the bride doesn't think I should speak to her in person). I'm not sure what to say though. I'm really sorry but do think she is overreacting a bit. This happened in May and it still appears to be raw for her. What should I say and should I write a note or send apologies via my DH?

Is op coming back ?

Ok, well for what it's worth here are the votes from Yorkshire!

1. Husband should NOT go to night out. He should tell his mate why. He has to stand with you on this one, I don't care how close he is to the bride. ( the friends sound too proprietorial for my liking. It's incredibly rude to not invite you. )
2. What you said was flippant, and a commonly used ice breaker. I think the woman has massively over reacted.
3. Having a bit of a bitch in a group,of women on a hen night makes you no better or worse than ANY OF THEM. Idint suppose you were doing all of the 'wig/ not wig ' comments yourself.
4. you were out with a load of women you didn't know. You were trying to fit in.
5. the ' recently divorced' friend spent the night in tears because she was at a wedding and she's just got divorced!! She was emotional/ jealous and had probably had a drink!! I didn't go to my husbands new godsons christening because I had just had a still birth and I knew I would spend the whole time crying. The silly woman was attention seeking. We all know/ have known somebody like this who have to make everything about them.
6. this happened in May? And they are still going on about it? And she hasn't got over it yet? Jesus wept. So three months later they punish you by telling you that " you can't come to my birthday party because you were mean to xxxxxx and made her cry" How fucking childish is that??
7. don't send flowers, don't send apology and don't bother with them again. Husband should not go out with them as a group again until you are asked to join him. You can always decline. I wouldn't object to hubby going out with the husband inthis equation just as long as it was not anything that other Wags were going to. It's really important for your relationship that you feel supported in this. If hubby goes to this event he is condoning their pathetic behaviour and giving them carte Blanche not to invite you ever again. And if he did go, he woUld be finding the door locked that night and be in the spare room for a while. Good luck, I hope you find a solution that suits you . But pleeeeease- don't send flowers!!

I am surprised at how brutal some people can be on here- not convinced they'd all be so carefree IRL.

Your husband should absolutely go to the meal- ridiculous over-reaction to say that he shouldn't, and unnecessarily escalates the issue. He's done nothing wrong and shouldn't be cut off from his friendship group.

Best way forward would be to send her an apology- something along the lines of "I've just heard that I really upset you at the wedding and I'm so sorry, I had no idea and it was never my intention, by my silly comment I simply meant bla bla bla, I'm mortified that you were so upset and I was oblivious to it! Hope that clears things up- it really was a silly miscommunication and I should have been more sensitive"

That way you have the moral high ground, you have shown a nice kind side of yourself that they have yet to see, and you've just done a nice thing (don't quite understand why so many MNetters have such difficulty being nice when it's no skin off their nose).

Sadly, whilst I'm sure you really are lovely, you've gone into an established friend group, upset one of them and given them plenty of fuel for thinking that you're just a bit of a bitch. Until you're really sure of the dynamics, sense of humour etc. it's always safest to errr on the side of caution!

If it were me I'd also send a message to the bride saying something along the lines of 'I'm sorry to hear of the impression you had of me as I don't think it represents me well at all- I've sent a message to [friend] and tried to make amends, but if there's anything else I can do please let me know as I'd hate to think you all think of me as someone I'm not"

Keep it all light, non-accusatory, friendly etc- I'm sure you can be more articulate as I'm shattered tonight!

Motto for life: Be the better person, moral high ground, etc etc

I'd send a little note to say something like...

"I am sorry if you took offense at my comment. It was not intended at all. I was making a quip I could have made to any of the other girls and I am very sorry that it upset you."

Then I would leave it.

The woman has made a massive over reaction to your comment.

The bride should not be allowing the situation where you are not included in the meal and if I were your dh I would probably not go.

I guess they are his friends and not yours so as a one off it is not a real issue.

But if the bride and groom allow this one silly comment to stand between you every socializing with them again then I am guessing the friendship will not really continue for long.

"VestalVirginNo" I did read the post op made seperate comments about strangers on the first hen night when out drinking

The flowers comment made my day.
OP thought she could make a harmless joke after she spent quite some time with a group.

If your DH goes he's an asshole.

Thank you for all the comments. To clarify the groom was a uni friend of my DH's and they all live in the town where they studied while we live in another city. He came to our wedding but he hadn't met the bride in those days. I probably wouldn't have gone to the birthday party anyway as it is quite far and we would have to find overnight care for our DD.

On the club night I wasn't being very mature. The comments were about men's hair and trying to guess what stage different couple's relationships were at. I honestly didn't comment on appearance apart from the toupee / hair plug thing which I know wasn't kind. I was playing with the woman who was upset after the wedding and another hen it wasn't just me. It is a silly game we made up on the spot and I probably should have been a bit more careful with people I had only just met.

I do play that sort of game with my friends and my sisters but it is normally just people watching - I.e. Making up lives and stories about people going past.
She seemed absolutely fine at the wedding and the 'clothes on' comment was the first thing I said to her when we got to the table. I didn't make any other 'playful' comments at the wedding and hardly drank as I was with my DD. A lot of the table conversation was directed to and about my DD as she was the only child at the table and at 4 was the youngest child by at least a decade.
I can't contact the hen independently as I don't have her contact details and she doesn't appear to be on FB. I think a note apologising for upsetting her would be best really. I don't know the group and I am not going to be part of it as they all live so far away. (4 hour drive). It bothers me more because I don't like to upset people and I hate to be misunderstood.
In retrospect rereading what I have written I realise that I made the comment in front of 8 other people at our table. Two other hens were there but I directed the comment at her as she was sitting next to us. It may welll have come across as bitchy to those people at the table who didn't know the context and it wasn't a clever thing to say to someone I had only met twice. I probably should have said something along the lines of "Vicky, you look absolutely gorgeous! That colour really suits you' which is what a normal person would say in that situation. I was thinking that but went for the 'funny' option instead.

Yeah, but what about your husband? If someone told my DP I wasn't invited somewhere he was and he didn't immediately tell them to fuck right off I'd be so hurt I couldn't look at him. Isn't your DH your best friend?

100% what yorkshireyummymummy says
Chalk it up to one of those times and live along

Sounds like a lotta fuss about nothing, let her get on with it.

Hmmmm.... I doubt very much that the bride is telling the whole truth. Either that or the alleged victim is a head case.

Your DH is the person who worries me most in all this. Where's his loyalty?

Btw @CircleofWillis - you sound absolutely lovely.

By apologising you are saying you did something 'wrong'. I don't think you did anything 'wrong'. Like PP have said, you were trying to fit in, you behaved the same as the others.

If I were your DH I wouldn't go I'm afraid, my loyalties would be with you.

As far as I can see, you've done nothing 'wrong'. The 'group' sound incredibly immature.

Fuck apologising. They sound like horrible women who've decided to single one person out. I wouldn't be saying sorry for anything and I'd expect my husband to back me all the way.

Sounds like something I would say....send your spoilers for the misunderstanding and move on.

I'm really not bothered about DH going without me. We have discussed it and he offered not to go but I don't see the point. It is a landmark birthday for his friend and they have known each other for over 30 years. DH doesn't have many friends and I have no intention of being the cause of him losing one.
Thanks crazy, I keep worrying that I only think I'm a nice person while in reality I'm offending people without realising. After all without this birthday party I might never have known what the group was thinking.

To tell the bride you spent her wedding night in tears, while you saw her at the table and the comment was made at the beginning of the meal, smack of a LOOK AT ME person.
This person used you as an excuse to the bride to draw attention back too herself.
Yes the person may be alone and changing her clothing look, but it wasn't your fault, don't send the note, this person will use you as an excuse for not enjoying the Birthday Party , as you will have reminded her of how "Upset" she feels. Let someone else be her use you this time, let her pick on another vicitim... Just leave well alone.

Howlong and pigeon I want to apologise because I was crass in my comment and even though I didn't mean to I upset someone. An apology will cost me very little but might help someone feel better if they know it was a misunderstanding rather than an attempt to belittle her.

Well .... @CircleofWillis - you are prepared to introspect and learn. That's enough for me to know you're a nice person.

Hindsight is 20/20 so yes, looking back, the gorgeous dress comment is more circumspect when you don't know if anyone around you is Hissy Fit Material.

But fucking hell - what you said has been blown up and I think that there is an agenda here. No idea what it is. Sit tight and wait 😉😊

• give a brief apology 'I'm sorry you chose to be upset by my attempt at humour'

• and move on 💕

I'm struggling op, for a whole group to turn on you to this extent for one comment, which is a common humourous phrase, is unusual. If one of my mates phoned me up about this, I would have responded with " ah I'm sure it was a joke blah blah blah". But they didn't they all think you're a bitch. You've now been to three social events with them, so should know them well enough, but still they are turning on you strongly to the extent you're no longer welcome at all.

The game you played, it's interesting was with the upset woman, and it's a game you invented, it was your idea, as you play with your sisters. Maybe they went along with it but didn't like it. You say you were making comments about couples and imagining their lives, but I'm guessing it wasn't in s nice way and some personal insults found their way in there.

I'd leave it, and I honestly wouldn't worry about my husband going, in fact I'd use the opportunity to get him to find out more, but I'd maybe be more careful in future about personal comments I make in front of people I don't know.

I do agree. It will cost you very little. I don't agree with the apology 'I sorry you chose'. It is PA and will make you more of a target. I said upthread the sort of thing I would say. It sounds as if they all live a fair distance away so at least you won't have to see much of them.

What a joke. If you say one critical thing your a 'bitch'. Jesus Christ. In the land of mumsnet you are not supposed to say remotely unkind. Fuck these over sensitive twats off. I wouldn't waste my time.

Some of the best nights out I've had is making harmless fun of people in clubs - and yes I said it HARMLESS FUN because the people we were taking the piss out of didn't know. Oh what a terrible person I am.

OP if your comment was crass then I must be crass on a very regular basis

If an apology makes YOU and only YOU feel better, then do it. If you think it will make HER feel better, then I'm afraid you're flogging a dead horse. She sounds like a drama queen/attention seeker.

If you're happy for your DH to go fair play to you, men see things differently, it's about his friend, not the banshees that he mixes with.

I wouldn't be apologising for this. Someone upthread said you could send a note/message along the lines of 'I didn't mean to offend you', without actually apologising, and that would be the most I would do (via the bride). Being or claiming 'upset' is a form of exercising power, and that seems to me to be what this woman is doing. Don't feed that.

I do agree with some PPs about the 'game', though. It's not a kind way of passing time or bonding with others, and probably not very safe territory with people you don't know well.

Circle, I think your last comment says a lot about you.
You know that an apology will cost you very little and might help the other lady to feel better.
The bit you have zero control over is the apologee's (?? is that a word??) reaction.

She'll either use it as fuel for her drama......which is not your problem at all OR
She'll realise that she has been a bit silly and overreactive..... in which case, end of story.

Good luck- your posts suggest that you have the emotional maturity to deal with this properly.... and perhaps, as she is going through a divorce, the other lady doesn't have it at the moment.