I accidentally 'slut shamed' a new acquaintance. What should I do?

[CircleofWillis]

A few months ago I went to two hen nights for a woman I didn't know well. My husband was best man to the groom and was going to be fully occupied at the wedding including eating with the wedding party. As I didn't know anyone there the bride very kindly invited me to her hen nights so that I would know a group of people at the wedding. The first hen do was a drinking night with a pub crawl and clubbing and everyone was dressed for a night on the town I.e. legs and / or cleavage out. The second hen do was in a spa. I had a great time and got on well with the other hens and spent time with two in particular who seemed to have a similar sense of humour. At the wedding I sat on a table with a couple of the women and thought the evening went well. However last week my DH was invited out for a meal for his friend's birthday but was asked not to bring me as the group thought I was bitchy. I called up the bride to ask what was going on. She revealed that I had really upset one of the hens at the wedding by a flip comment I had said namely "I didn't recognise you with your clothes on". I had just meant that we had all been in revealing clothing on the night out and in swimsuits and towelling robes at the spa but she took it to mean that I was criticising her clothes on the night out. She spent the night of the wedding in tears when she got back to her room. She has just been through a traumatic divorce and apparently has been wearing a different style of dress all the time not just on the hen night. I honestly didn't mean to be critical I just thought I was making a silly comment but I can see why she thought I was being bitchy. Also on the night out we were making comments along with another friend about other people (mainly the men) in the club some of which in the clear light of day were not kind (e.g. Trying to guess who was wearing a toupee or had plugs).

I won't be attending the birthday party but want to send apologies (the bride doesn't think I should speak to her in person). I'm not sure what to say though. I'm really sorry but do think she is overreacting a bit. This happened in May and it still appears to be raw for her. What should I say and should I write a note or send apologies via my DH?

This woman is ridiculous. That is completely over sensitive. And her reaction, even if she is offended (which she shouldn't be) is an overreaction. You are lucky to have escaped the acquaintance.

I agree that it seems that this was never about the other hen but the bride. The bit abouther not wanting you to speak to the hen yourself speaks volumes.

I also think that in a few days you DH needs to tell the groom the truth about why you werent there. If she is interfering in his friendships then he has the right to know.

Pyongyang, I think I would also be interfering in their relationship if I encouraged DH to tell the groom the whole story. I am very happy to leave it as it is. Nothing that happened at the birthday makes me think the bride wasn't being truthful about the hen's reaction. I think she was just reacting to the note when she told DH to tell me not to worry.

I am feeling perfectly fine about it all now. I think partly due to all the support on this thread and sending the note of apology and partly due to the passage of time. It really doesn't seem like such a big deal now that people I don't know very well and will probably never see again did not want me to come to a birthday party for someone I hardly know which I probably wouldn't have gone to anyway.

Why did DH go?

OP you did well.

Having your own standards when it comes to when and when not to apologise is no bad thing.

You did nothing wrong but good on you for deciding to be the bigger person.

I love your username btw, reminds me of a-level biology 😁

"I didn't recognise you with your clothes on" is a recognised jokey comment and she is making something out of nothing
Spending the night of someone's wedding "in tears" smacks of attention seeking bollocks and she needs to get a grip

OP made a joke that's perfectly fine. Drama queen friend seems to thrive on being the victim and creating drama and fuss.

It sounds very 'mean girls clique' to me if one over dramatic woman can mean a group decision is made to only invite someones DH when they've otherwise socialised as a couple.

To be honest, id not even want to be around said friend in future because sounds like a bitchy, manipulative brat who is used to getting her way.

You have been very kind about this OP, the hen sounds like a bit of a drama queen/professional victim, maybe just because she's going through a hard time (benefit of the doubt).

Circle, you have been very kind about this. In my book there is really no need for posturing over power and your note was spot-on!

You sound really lovely: measured in reasoning, empathetic and sympathetic.