I accidentally 'slut shamed' a new acquaintance. What should I do?

[CircleofWillis]

A few months ago I went to two hen nights for a woman I didn't know well. My husband was best man to the groom and was going to be fully occupied at the wedding including eating with the wedding party. As I didn't know anyone there the bride very kindly invited me to her hen nights so that I would know a group of people at the wedding. The first hen do was a drinking night with a pub crawl and clubbing and everyone was dressed for a night on the town I.e. legs and / or cleavage out. The second hen do was in a spa. I had a great time and got on well with the other hens and spent time with two in particular who seemed to have a similar sense of humour. At the wedding I sat on a table with a couple of the women and thought the evening went well. However last week my DH was invited out for a meal for his friend's birthday but was asked not to bring me as the group thought I was bitchy. I called up the bride to ask what was going on. She revealed that I had really upset one of the hens at the wedding by a flip comment I had said namely "I didn't recognise you with your clothes on". I had just meant that we had all been in revealing clothing on the night out and in swimsuits and towelling robes at the spa but she took it to mean that I was criticising her clothes on the night out. She spent the night of the wedding in tears when she got back to her room. She has just been through a traumatic divorce and apparently has been wearing a different style of dress all the time not just on the hen night. I honestly didn't mean to be critical I just thought I was making a silly comment but I can see why she thought I was being bitchy. Also on the night out we were making comments along with another friend about other people (mainly the men) in the club some of which in the clear light of day were not kind (e.g. Trying to guess who was wearing a toupee or had plugs).

I won't be attending the birthday party but want to send apologies (the bride doesn't think I should speak to her in person). I'm not sure what to say though. I'm really sorry but do think she is overreacting a bit. This happened in May and it still appears to be raw for her. What should I say and should I write a note or send apologies via my DH?

Your latest post "we were all shocked because we thought you were lovely".

Basically this is a group of school friends who are still a group of school friends. The cliquey group who have high standards of rules for newcomers - e.g., you can only speak to them using their rules.

Note is lovely btw. Send it but honestly don't expect anything back and beware you may get a nose rubbing one in response such as "well what you said really really upset me" (and other dramatic lines).

It's a new group of people for you, OP.

But an established group for your DH (as he was best man) so he was presumably socialising with them without you all along.

Some of them liked you, but they like the person you upset more (or just feel greater loyalty to the established group member, rather than the person who never joined in before that point despite your marriage).

I think you need to write this one off (there's no way an outsider can persuade a group) and go back to how your DH socialised with his close friend without you before he was asked to be best man.

You're more mature than I am Op as I'd be telling her to get lost causing drama for nothing & making you feel like shit due to someone else's insecurities.

FWIW, I think the note sounds too gushing (& therefore a bit false). Keep it simple & just say sorry for causing offence, you were trying to make a joke based on the spa day & not wearing proper clothes that day & didn't realise you'd misjudged the situation & therefore hope you can all move past it.

I agree with the PP who said likely she was upset at being at a wedding whilst going through a divorce but (probably without realising) transferred this upset to you & your comment rather than the actual cause.

They are in their 40s oh my god they are the embarrassment getting on like kids! You sound so lovely x

I doubt the group thinks you're bithchy. They are supporting their oversensitive friend who said, if X's wife is coming - I'm not!

If your DH responds with if she's not welcomed then I'm not coming...

It will just add to the drama this group have to deal with from the friend.

I think if this friend pulls this crap all the time, the group will get tired of her antics and drop her.

I'd stay out of their weird dynamics. Your DH can apologise to the offended friend on your behalf at the party and see what sort of reaction she has. I'm assuming she's part of his friend group and will be honest or gracious about it in person. If she's neither, your DH will realise she's not really a friend anymore.

I'd shorten it to the first two and last two sentences. Miss out the two sentences about looking gorgeous and enjoyed meeting them. It sounds rather self deprecating and a bit desperate. If they are bitches, will give them fodder for a good laugh at your expense.

Oh and replace the I am sorry. To "it is a shame my comment soured...". Too may sorrys otherwise.

I would also apologise just to cover all bases.

I think you were brave. You went to a hen night without knowing anybody (I'd be terrifed to do that). You joined in, thought you'd intuited their vibe, and later found out you hadn't. That's what makes meeting new people a bit frightening right!? But you did it anyway.

I go swimming and our go to joke when we meet each other on the train or in the supermarket is ''I didn't recognise you with your clothes on''. It's our bingo greeting and the old ones are the old ones.

I agree that this woman must be testing her power. A new person in to the group, does she have the power to exclude you she wonders. That is the kind of game that'd fluff up the ego of a person with low self-esteem .

Please dont apologise they sound like the group of mean girls back from the high school days. The apology won't mean anything too her. She's just throwing her weight around.

What's even more alarming is, I'm guessing these ladies are a similar age to the bride's husband. So around the 50 mark.

They need to get a grip. If they want added drama in their lives tell them to watch Emmerdale or Eastenders.

Way too gushy @CircleofWillis - imo 😊

Ridiculous over reaction. Sounds like she's the Queen Bee of the group and the others are just flapping around her, fuelling the attention seeking behaviour.

I'm sorry op, I'd find it difficult to apologise is those circumstances. It's likely she'll take your apology to justify her behaviour. They'll all fuss around and your name will still be mud.

Also, what Yorkshire said. She went to a wedding as a newly divorced woman. Of course it was going to be emotional. I wonder if she used you as a scapegoat for her blubbing.

If no one gives this mad hen a reality check her attention seeking dramatic behaviour will just continue they are fools for pandering to it but I'm shocked your husbands long term friend would agree to exclude you it's a shame none of them have the courage to stop this childish behaviour.

she sounds awful, probably horribly insecure. i wouldn't validate her behaviour by even acknowledging it, personally. i would be perturbed by my DP going along without me too.

I think I would send the apology in your shoes...my Dad's then girlfriend refused to speak to me for 18 months..turns out because of something I'd said jokingly that she thought I was serious about In the end I asked to meet her for coffee and cleared the air. Things were never great after that but they were easier. I would add in to the apology what you meant i.e. 'when I said I didn't recognise you with clothes on I simply meant because last time I saw you, you were in a bikini'

If your husband does go, I hope he puts them right!

Why would your husband willingly spend time with a woman who has facilitated this farcical campaign against you?

On the one hand it's pretty funny that a bunch of women in their 40s and 50s behave like this, you can see the humour in it, but on the other, they seem to have found a few suckers who are soft-pedalling their inanity. Including, by extension, your husband I'm afraid.

I agree with those saying that the message is overly gushy, makes you look desperate and insincere, I would tone it down a little.

Isn't the grooms behavior a bit weird too?

Presumably his friendship with your dh is longstanding and important to him, and yet he's prepared to chuck it away cause of a teeny bit of a teeny drunk wedding micro hoo ha?

He's a grown man (49 years old ffs) whose picked up the phone to invite one of his oldest friends to a party, but ended the invite by saying BUT YOUR WIFE CAN'T COME BECAUSE MY WIFE SAID HER FRIENDS THINK SHE BITCHY.

I mean really, who is this man and why is your dh friends with him?

Actually I'd agree with that, at this age you invite one you invite both and even if you can't stand one, you suck it up if you want the other there. Phoning to say we all think your wife's a bitch don't bring her is very immature and unusual.

I think you need to stick up for yourself. Don't send a grovelling apology. If you're going to say or write anything then just explain that the 'no clothes' comment was in reference to a wearing swimming costume.

You've done nothing wrong.

An apology will cost me very little but might help someone feel better if they know it was a misunderstanding rather than an attempt to belittle her. This exactly- I don't understand why so many people here are so petty and defensive! I mean, yeah it sounds like she's ridiculously over-reacted, but perhaps there's a subtext we haven't seen, and regardless, why not just be a nice person?!

I think from your responses you really do sound like a lovely person, and I think it's just one of those things that can arise from trying to fit in and just getting it wrong- I can imagine myself doing exactly the same. The number of times I've said something as a 'funny remark' or to make conversation, and then regretted it massively after... (I still remember accidentally implying that a family member was dressed inappropriately at a wedding- had just been trying to make conversation but it became highly awkward afterwards...)

I think your note is absolutely perfect and clarifies the situation. I do think that clarification is important as it shows that you weren't being malicious, whereas a basic apology doesn't rule that out.

If you get no response or they still decide you're a bitch, then hey, their loss

Good luck!

The 'game' in the club was probably a bit ill advised. But you have recognised that.

Do you have a different accent by any chance? It could be as simple as a misconception about the way that you speak.

Apologise, send DH alone and chalk it up to experience.

I think they're just being mean and cowardly towards you, not only do they not want you joining their 'circle'...they're making sure you won't even be there through 'default'

What makes it even more farcical is that they're using the woman who's recently divorced as a means of justifying their actions.
Has this woman got an eye on your dh?
Their reactions seem far too extreme for a throwaway comment

They're deliberately trying create a wedge between your dh and you...putting him in a position of 'choosing sides' as it were

i hope your dh realises that your feelings matter more than those of a random woman?
That you deserve to be treated with a bit more respect?

Your comment about 'not recognising somebody without their clothes' isn't witty, it's a bit tired and comes from misogynistic banter a la Benny Hill. It won't have endeared you but it wasn't bitchy. I would have cringed for you though.

Whoever suggested the James Bond 'that's a nice thing you're almost wearing' is just as cringey. Not at all something that a woman would say either, hence James Bond the biggest chauvinist of them all thinking it appropriate to say. I suppose some used car salesmen might still be using that line but for a woman? Nope.

This is what made you sound not very nice:
Also on the night out we were making comments along with another friend about other people (mainly the men) in the club some of which in the clear light of day were not kind (e.g. Trying to guess who was wearing a toupee or had plugs).

Suck it up. You bitched with a group of other bitches that you didn't know. Next time keep your counsel until you know people better.