I accidentally 'slut shamed' a new acquaintance. What should I do?

[CircleofWillis]

A few months ago I went to two hen nights for a woman I didn't know well. My husband was best man to the groom and was going to be fully occupied at the wedding including eating with the wedding party. As I didn't know anyone there the bride very kindly invited me to her hen nights so that I would know a group of people at the wedding. The first hen do was a drinking night with a pub crawl and clubbing and everyone was dressed for a night on the town I.e. legs and / or cleavage out. The second hen do was in a spa. I had a great time and got on well with the other hens and spent time with two in particular who seemed to have a similar sense of humour. At the wedding I sat on a table with a couple of the women and thought the evening went well. However last week my DH was invited out for a meal for his friend's birthday but was asked not to bring me as the group thought I was bitchy. I called up the bride to ask what was going on. She revealed that I had really upset one of the hens at the wedding by a flip comment I had said namely "I didn't recognise you with your clothes on". I had just meant that we had all been in revealing clothing on the night out and in swimsuits and towelling robes at the spa but she took it to mean that I was criticising her clothes on the night out. She spent the night of the wedding in tears when she got back to her room. She has just been through a traumatic divorce and apparently has been wearing a different style of dress all the time not just on the hen night. I honestly didn't mean to be critical I just thought I was making a silly comment but I can see why she thought I was being bitchy. Also on the night out we were making comments along with another friend about other people (mainly the men) in the club some of which in the clear light of day were not kind (e.g. Trying to guess who was wearing a toupee or had plugs).

I won't be attending the birthday party but want to send apologies (the bride doesn't think I should speak to her in person). I'm not sure what to say though. I'm really sorry but do think she is overreacting a bit. This happened in May and it still appears to be raw for her. What should I say and should I write a note or send apologies via my DH?

I was once a guest speaker on a Teacher training course and the lecturer introduced me to the group with that phrase, I didn't recognise you with your clothes on, because we'd briefly seen each other at the swimming pool the week before.
It was mildly embarrassing and I was a bit bewildered as I didn't realise straight away what she meant but it was supposed to be a joke and I didn't run off crying. Apologise for the misunderstanding but you've not done anything wrong.

We only have one side of the story here and only one perspective of what actually happened (which is fair enough).

Bottom line is your comment hurt another person so own it and apologise. This doesn't mean she is a drama queen and you are a bad person just that something you said was hurtful (intentional or not).

Agree with Yorkshireyummymummy. Circle, you did not slut shame anyone, accidentally or otherwise. The comment was a jokey 'ooh err missus' type which anyone with half an ounce of humour would have taken as such. The jokey comments in the club appeared par for the course for a hen - in fact slightly milder than usual, and you weren't making them on your own.

Appears the recipient of the comment is a bit of a drama llama. Apologising will only enforce her opinion that you were wrong and she was right, enforce her opinion (and anyone she tells, which will be EVERYBODY in the friendship circle) that you are a bitch.

Your husband should go for dinner with his friend if he wants to, but should be making it perfectly clear that he is not at all happy about his DWife being excluded, that you are most certainly not a bitch, and he will be thinking twice about further involvement with the group if they continue to make a point of excluding you (to be done in a quiet way so the group then doesn't start accusing you of turning your DH against his 'lifelong friends', which is obviously what drama llama will try and do).

What a furore over nothing.

I suppose I'm hoping that by 'the group' the bride was just generalising and meant the hen and those people who dealt with the fallout on the wedding night. The bride didn't mention the games we played on the night out, just the comment at the wedding. I have been going over the events and thought myself that that was the only other thing that might have given them that impression. The couples game wasn't mean in my opinion but I'm prepared to accept if others think it was. As an example we would choose a couple and decide how long they had known each other, where they met and make up a fake life all the way down to what pets they might have. The toupee game was unkind but I really don't see how anyone would have taken offence to the couples game. We were pretty tipsy but I have a clear memory of what happened.

I honestly wouldn't bother with any of them.

I think this is complete bollocks. The bride and her friends don't like you. This is just an excuse to use to exclude you. Please don't send flowers. I don't think your DH should go either. It shows disloyalty and sets a precedent. It shows them they can divide you and will do so in future.

Sounds like a big fuss but you need to suck it up, and in the grand scheme of things how often does your OH see these friends?

On your first meeting you played a game of judging and making personal comments about people, and then followed that up at the wedding by going straight in with a crass comment directed at one of their friends who really took offence. Do you think you could also have made comments on other peoples appearance / lifestyle at the spa, is there a theme?

Thing is you really don't know these girls well enough to be so familiar and misjudged the situation. The fact you named the title slut shamed gives a clue of your humour, clearly they don't share the same sense of humour. All very well amongst friends and sisters but not strangers who have invited you along to make you feel welcome

well i'd chalk that one up to experience personally. it's such an over reaction that it almost doesn't make sense. either it's something else or that friend is so super sensitive you'd end up offending her no matter what you did.

i like the note idea but beyond that i'd not waste any more time on it.

The issue here seems to be more about why your DH is attending minus you. You can apologise if you wish to the woman who feels affronted (or write a brief note if you feel inclined) but I think your comment was misconstrued and they are being hysterical about it. In the cold light of day, maybe some of your remarks were a little on the insensitive side, but it doesn't warrant such obvious cold shouldering as now they are also being unkind. Why is your DH still going along without you?!

I understand where your coming from. I'm also the type of person that cannot handle the idea I've upset someone.

But nothing you've said happened makes me think you were bitchy. You've also been really honest about what you said which shows integrity.

It was a misguided comment which upset someone - but more likely because she was a new divorcee at a friends wedding and so already emotional.

I met my colorectal surgeon at a charity event who recognised me fairly quickly.
I said "I'm surprised you recognise me by my face"

I find it hard to believe that one person doesn't know that your comment is a harmless throwaway remark made by many people every day never mind multiple hens and the bride.

The poster above who said the divorced hen was upset because she was at a wedding is spot on in my opinion, that's totally understandable. What I don't see is why not one of the hens pointed out that she was being ridiculous to think you'd been insulting her.

You are being very sensible about not being bothered about your DH going to the party, why should he lose his friends over someone he doesn't really know being a drama llama.

Something a bit similar happened in my social circle and while the women split into 2 camps the men remained friends throughout, don't make matters worse by expecting him not to go

My inviting your dh and not you, they are being really poisonous. They have made a huge statement, asking him to chose them over you.

They sound like a horrible, juvenile group. Maybe stuck in some strange dynamic from university days? We all know partners where we really like one half and tolerate the other. But noone I know would invite one half and not the other in that kind of circumstance.

The fact they have discussed this and done it is as a group is telling. What kind of adults behave like that?

You are best off well away from them. I think that in time your dh will see this too. Don't make a fuss, take moral high ground. Your behavior will look so much more mature than theirs. Just by having issued the invite the way they have makes them look like complete scheming idiots.

I really have no issue with my husband going to the 50th. I wouldn't have gone anyway and he and the groom often meet up together for gigs or sports events when the groom is in town. I've only met met him about 5 times including both weddings and neither of us had met the bride before. The hens are the bride's friends and don't know my DH. I really don't think there is an agenda there. I think they are all just very close and intense and are very protective of one of their number who is going through a bad time. I did misjudge the situation and was probably trying too hard on the night out. Nothing happened on the spa day. Very little talking, mainly chilling and going off for treatments plus a lovely lunch.

Honestly. You do sound nice, and innocent, the reason I'm hesitating is people always portray themselves as better on here on this type of thing for obvious reasons.

These are people who went out their way to welcome you to the group, even as much as inviting you to hen dos simply so you didn't feel uncomfortable at rhe wedding. That's not horrible people.

In addition you were at rhe table with this woman after you made the comment, for some considerable time, yet unless she is a world class actress and drama queen then you were oblivious to the fact you'd upset her and that upset went on so long she was in tears later.

In addition,the group is agreeing with her. As adults it's a fairly serious step to say someone's partner can't come as " the group" thought you were bitchy.

So either you haven't got the full story, or you're not providing the full story, but this is very unusual behavuour from a group that went out of their way to welcome you and are close to your husband, over one silly comment.

Mountain out of a molehill. She sounds extremely dramatic and flouncy.

I know you're fine with your DH going without you, but if anyone invited my husband somewhere but told him to leave his bitchy wife at home he'd be furious on my behalf and would cut contact. Just as I would if someone slagged off my husband.

They all sound absolutely hideous and your DH is condoning their behaviour.

Do you think this would be OK?

Dear Vicky (not her real name),
I am really sorry to have offended you at the wedding. I made a silly comment which was meant as a joke and there was really no malice behind it. You looked gorgeous on the night out and spa and at the wedding and I should have just said so instead of trying to be funny. I really enjoyed meeting you all and I am so grateful for you making me feel at home at the wedding. I'm sorry that my comment soured your friend's celebration for you. Please accept my apologies.
Yours sincerely
Circle

Bluntness, you are right. They did seem like a friendly group of women which is why I am so bemused. I actually initially thought that my DH was joking when he told me. (I also secretly wondered if he had said something which had been misconstrued - he has form for this). It was only when I spoke to the bride that I realised it wasn't a joke.

In retrospect when I spoke to her the bride said something along the lines of "we were all really shocked because we thought you were lovely". Which suggests it was just the wedding - I think.

It does sound very strange indeed and lots of drama over nothing. I think I'd let my husband go to the party first before sending any apology and seeing if he can find out more. To be honest, it's done, I'm not sure they will back track.

Goodness what a lot to do about nothing.

I'm very sorry that you've been dragged into someone's emotional instability as it seems you were. Your comment was absolutely innocuous given the context.

I'd downgrade the note to Vicky, like so:

Dear Vicky
I'm sorry to hear I inadvertently upset you at the wedding - this wasn't my intent. I hope we can put this behind us.

Yours
Circle

"What I don't see is why not one of the hens pointed out that she was being ridiculous to think you'd been insulting her."

Yes, seems odd, doesn't it?

Circle- I would leave out the bit about looking gorgeous tbh.

In retrospect when I spoke to her the bride said something along the lines of "we were all really shocked because we thought you were lovely".

Jesus, a den of vipers. You're well rid of the lot of them.

But if your DH attends the birthday party without you, in his friends' eyes he'll be validating their opinion of you – by his very presence he's agreeing that you're too bitchy to be invited! Why would you be happy with that, especially if he knows your comment was misconstrued?

It's not on for OP's husband to attend the party solo, in doing so he would be tacitly buying into all this nonsense.

Haven't rtft, only OP's posts.

I thought you were talking about 20-somethings, not 40-, 50-somethings.. How very immature.

Send DH. As you say, it would be unfair to sour his friendship with birthday boy. However, rehearse with him what he is going to say - he needs your a script of how to explain your absence.

It's a shame that this has happened but you were never close in the first place so you haven't lost anything.

They sound very silly and attention grabbing. Do what ever you feel best, but try not to feel bad. As ever says they are massively overreacting.