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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH doesn't share

342 replies

AliceInReality · 03/08/2017 19:19

I don't know if this is the right title. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I've name changed and I can't really say anything important or it will give me away but here goes.

We once had a kitten and DH hated the attention it needed and the attention I gave to it. He didn't make me take it away but I couldn't trust him to feed her if I wasn't there so I gave her to a friend.

I used to have friends round and my sister over but he couldn't stand that either. He never did anything completely outright - sometimes he wouldn't speak to them if they said hi, he'd let me know he was upset I was putting them ahead of us. After two years of marriage I realise I have no true friends and I've not seen my sister in years.

His son used to live with us but he I feel he did everything to push him away too.

I don't know why he's like this or why I haven't seen it before. Do any of you have experience of Simone like this and how did you cope?

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 03/08/2017 19:21

He sounds hugely controlling. And like he's isolating you. To post this you know something isn't right and you sound dreadfully unhappy. Have you thought maybe this relationship isn't right for you?

Pollydonia · 03/08/2017 19:21

I couldn't live with someone like that. People who are so controling and jealous never change.

user1497997754 · 03/08/2017 19:22

Leave him...end of

BitchQueen90 · 03/08/2017 19:35

LTB. He's controlling and immature. And from what you've said about his son it sounds like he's a shit father too. Why would you want to be with a man like that?

What do you think would happen if you had children with him and he was jealous of the attention you gave them?

Original poster
AliceInReality · 03/08/2017 19:43

Please no ltb. I don't want to leave. I want to understand him and help him to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceInReality · 03/08/2017 19:44

I'd love children but I know it happen with him as he currently is.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/08/2017 19:45

If you had a daughter, what advice would you give her?

Mrscropley · 03/08/2017 19:46

My ex was jealous of my dcat. .
It vanished one night when I wasn't in. .
We had ds and he was jealous of him. . We divorced and he has no relationship with ds at all.

PaintingByNumbers · 03/08/2017 19:47

How about understanding yourself? Why do you want to change people? Why are you drawn to a relationship with someone who controls you? What in your past makes you, for example, a rescuer? No chance of changing him, we can only change ourselves.

IrritatedUser1960 · 03/08/2017 19:47

My ex husband. We're now divorced, he eventually drove everyone I loved and liked away. Yours will too. I suggest you dump him asap it is disgusting controlling behaviour.

MiladyThesaurus · 03/08/2017 19:48

You can't 'help him to change'. You want him to be different but he is quite happy as he is.

With people, you either accept them as they actually are or you go your separate ways. There is no point trying to change someone.

Chillyegg · 03/08/2017 19:48

He won't change.
You can't save him.
You can't live you lives as some (what he'd call) a romantic island. You need community, friends and family.
If he can't stand other people talking to you that really really really reflects his own personal flaws and just general dickishness.
Whys he so insecure?
Whys he so jealous?
Why did he put you before his son?
Call your sister.... talk to her about it... see what she says. I bet it's eye opening.

TisapityshesaGeordie · 03/08/2017 19:50

Honestly sweetheart, this is truly chilling reading. Someone who loves you doesn't treat the people/things you love this way.

You could try marriage counselling, if he's ameanable. But you can't change him. If he does change, it will be because he wants to; recognises he has a problem, and is prepared to put the work in.

Otherwise - well, can you imagine living the rest of your life like this? The next 30/40/50 years? With no children, no friends, no other family, not even a pet? Just him. Because that's what you'd have to resign yourself to.

Original poster
AliceInReality · 03/08/2017 19:50

I think I might be pregnant. I've never considered abortion for myself and I've been passionately against it but now I do. I'd rather not have to. But he condoned something I'd call evil with his son. I can't sleep even thinking about it.

OP posts:
AufderAutobahn · 03/08/2017 19:50

I don't think you can help him to change, unfortunately. And to try to do so will only cause you pain in the long term. Showing jealousy over a helpless kitten?! Pushing his own son away - wow. Unless he wants to change, I think, for your sanity, you need to leave. I'm sorry. Please be kind to yourself. Xx

BitchQueen90 · 03/08/2017 19:50

You CANNOT change someone unless they want to change themselves.

There's nothing to understand. He's a twunt. That's it.

Baalam · 03/08/2017 19:51

What did he say when he found out you'd given the kitten away?

Msqueen33 · 03/08/2017 19:53

People only because they want to. Have you told him how you feel? Honestly it's unlikely he'll change. Because on the whole I'm not sure people really do.

ColossalKalamari · 03/08/2017 19:53

He won't change...he sounds horrendous to be honest and he's succeeded in isolating you. Who the hell gets jealous of a kitten?

MiladyThesaurus · 03/08/2017 19:54

What has he condoned with his son? It must be pretty bad if you'd describe it as 'evil'.

LML83 · 03/08/2017 19:58

Must be so hard. I would start building relationships with your sister and friends and see how he copes. If he can change he will. If he can't I don't think you should isolate yourself for him and I would leave if it was me.

LML83 · 03/08/2017 19:58

Must be so hard. I would start building relationships with your sister and friends and see how he copes. If he can change he will. If he can't I don't think you should isolate yourself for him and I would leave if it was me.

BitchQueen90 · 03/08/2017 20:01

Something evil with his son?

Gosh, he sounds like such a lovely man. Hmm

Goingtobeawesome · 03/08/2017 20:10

OP, why did you post? What do you actually want?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 03/08/2017 20:16

And when he's jealous of your baby?
Well, whatever, he's done what he's set out to do; isolated you, made sure you have nothing of your own to love and you are totally sufficient on him. Please listen to others, plenty have been where you are.