My DH doesn't share

[AliceInReality]

I don't know if this is the right title. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I've name changed and I can't really say anything important or it will give me away but here goes.

We once had a kitten and DH hated the attention it needed and the attention I gave to it. He didn't make me take it away but I couldn't trust him to feed her if I wasn't there so I gave her to a friend.

I used to have friends round and my sister over but he couldn't stand that either. He never did anything completely outright - sometimes he wouldn't speak to them if they said hi, he'd let me know he was upset I was putting them ahead of us. After two years of marriage I realise I have no true friends and I've not seen my sister in years.

His son used to live with us but he I feel he did everything to push him away too.

I don't know why he's like this or why I haven't seen it before. Do any of you have experience of Simone like this and how did you cope?

Everyone at work thinks I'm so lucky

Would they think that if knew about the rape porn and DD.

Alice your post about him sending you flowers at work reminded me of an ex-colleague who's husband used to send her flowers at work. Everyone used to ooh and ahh over how romantic it was.

She gradually confided in some of us that her husband was extremely abusive behind closed doors. He would send flowers when he'd been particularly awful. I think it was all for show, to convince others what a great guy he was.

I wish you all the best and hope you can move on from him.

How are you doing Alice?

Rick I'm okay thank you. I received more flowers today at work and a necklace. I still don't really feel anything.

Have you had any luck with finding somewhere to stay?
I think it's so normal to feel numb, don't worry, be kind to yourself. Sending you strength and peace.

Alice, you are being very brave. you might find it useful to speak to someone (anonymously if you prefer) at Womensaid. He is unlikely to "let" you walk away from him and your marriage. I hope you feel safe and strong. No matter how he spins your head, none of this is your fault and is not your responsibility or duty to save ir protect him.

Alice keep strong. You need yo see this through for you and for the baby.

Don't respond to DH, he's trying to control you in your workplace now. He'll try and tell you how sorry he is etc. Remember he admitted that when he does stuff like that (e.g NY) it's all an act.

I think you need to break off all contact, block his phone.

And make sure when baby comes your dh doesn't know and is not on the birth certificate. It's the only way you and baby get the life you deserve. And as a Christian myself, because I know that's important to you, God has so much more for you and he'll be so happy that you have an opportunity now to break free of the horrible psuedo religious abuse you've been trapped in.

I've found somewhere I can move into from next Saturday. London does have it positives. I've tried not to think past that. I know if he wanted to, DH could find me. If I stay at the same job he'll know exactly where I am. He has acquaintances where I work anyway if he really wanted to dig.

I'm hoping I won't need to hide from him. I think he will let me go. He said I should leave after we argued anyway. I am now surprised he's spent so much time, money and energy trying to apologise. I've not answered his calls but not blocked him either. He's texted and texted and I think he believes he loves me and DSS and that all his views are fine. That he needed to lie to see DSS. Sometimes I'll read his messages and think I'm wrong and overreacting but then I think of what he said to BIL - how could it even be a joke... I never want him to know about the baby.

That's great you've found somewhere to stay. One step at a time is the right approach.

If you're worried about him bothering you at work is there someone in HR (depending on where you work) or a boss who you trust who you could have a quiet word with to briefly explain that you don't want any new address information giving to him?

You are not wrong or overeacting.

I would also get reception or whoever to refuse to accept the gifts- turn them away every time.

If he ramps it up, please do think about seeing a solicitor or women's aid for advice.

Well done op on finding new accommodation. Keep reading this thread if you ever get a wobble about what you are doing.

OP I truly hope you will consider telling as many people as possible what is going on. My biggest concern for you at the moment is your strength to keep this vile, awful man away from you. You've made some great decisions this week, and your strength will build by the day, but you need a strong support network around you right now because this heinous excuse for a man is not going to give up without a fight (especially if he finds out your pregnant) and you know the depths of his ability to manipulate you.
Please make sure you surround yourself with people who know what you're up against and who will do their best to help you protect yourself and your baby from him.

Alice You are right - you will never know about your DSS's conception. But the fact that you don't think it is impossible says a lot. Please please take care of yourself and don't be alone with him.

I've had another thought - if you can get divorced before the baby is born (and don't put him on the birth certificate) then would he have to go to court to get parental responsibility? Because you wouldn't be married at the time of the birth?

Just might make you a little bit safer if he ever did find out about the baby.

Ps I think you are being very brave.

I've just thought... what should I do about DSS and the GPs? I can't imagine having nothing to do with them. They still contact me but if I leave I don't know how this will work.

Well. Why don't you tell them the truth ? Or close to it anyway. I think they will probably understand more than you think.

You I'm afraid of hurting them. I'm not convinced they believed DH really but no one wants to be played the fool. I think some modified version of truth is what I'll have to tell them. Thank you

You are being so strong Alice, you really are. You are doing the right thing. Keep going.

Hi Alice, how are you doing?