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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH doesn't share

342 replies

AliceInReality · 03/08/2017 19:19

I don't know if this is the right title. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I've name changed and I can't really say anything important or it will give me away but here goes.

We once had a kitten and DH hated the attention it needed and the attention I gave to it. He didn't make me take it away but I couldn't trust him to feed her if I wasn't there so I gave her to a friend.

I used to have friends round and my sister over but he couldn't stand that either. He never did anything completely outright - sometimes he wouldn't speak to them if they said hi, he'd let me know he was upset I was putting them ahead of us. After two years of marriage I realise I have no true friends and I've not seen my sister in years.

His son used to live with us but he I feel he did everything to push him away too.

I don't know why he's like this or why I haven't seen it before. Do any of you have experience of Simone like this and how did you cope?

OP posts:
GlitterSparkles17 · 05/08/2017 07:48

Enjoy your time with your sister but please dont think you can't have the baby alone! Of course you can do it! I did it at the age of 17 alone with no money and I now have a career, married to an amazing man about to have our second have our second child together.
His behaviour isn't normal, do you really want to be in a relationship where he's going to be jealous of his own child? You would never be able to leave the child with him alone out of fear he won't look after them properly, there was an incident with his son that keeps you awake at night that should tell you all you need to know about his abilities as a dad. All I can see in your future is misery.

Confide in your sister this weekend, show her this thread so she can get the full picture. I'm sure she will have similar advice to what the rest of us have said.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 05/08/2017 09:05

Leave, for the sake of the child.

You have a choice to stay and put up with it but a child doesn't. Why would you condemn them to a life of that?

The very fact you didn't leave after the incident with the SS has shown him you don't condemn what he did so he won't think twice about the same behaviour in future,

Crumbs1 · 05/08/2017 09:17

He's abusive. Has he ever been violent towards you?
You need to get support- speak to CAB about domestic violence unit locally and then talk to them before he becomes physically violent towards you. Pregnancy can sometimes worsen the situation so do get help.
You need to also develop a less timid and cowering attitude- the more you allow yourself to be downtrodden the worse it becomes because he realises you are vulnerable to be controlled.
You need to tell him you are pregnant and happy with the situation. It's good that pregnancy is a useful thing for making new friends. Call your sister and explain- she might already realise. Arrange to meet up as friends and family around you strengthen you.
If he tries rubbishing your sister or sulking about you contacting her you just need to stand firm and say you want other people in your life too.

AufderAutobahn · 05/08/2017 10:56

OK, it sounds like you've decided to continue with the pregnancy. But you are deluded if you think your DH will magically change and have a good relationship with your child given how terribly he treated your SS. Why do you think he will be different this time? It's very likely your poor child will experience similar treatment - you even said yourself the way he treated your SS was "evil". No, sorry, you have to leave your DH. It can be done Xxx

Gowgirl · 05/08/2017 11:01

If you are who i think you are you need to leave, you were told this multiple times on your last thread.

Gemxo · 05/08/2017 11:32

OP never listens Hmm

AdalindSchade · 05/08/2017 11:34

Is this the op with the gay step son?

Gowgirl · 05/08/2017 11:35

I think so...

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/08/2017 13:07

I think the Op does listen - it is small steps because she is a victim of abuse (both in her childhood and her marriage), she also has a background of very conservative Christianity and her husband uses the bible against her. She is also very young and in her first relationship.

However, she started these threads describing her husband as a wonderful man and is now describing his acts as "evil". That is a pretty huge step.

Anyway - Op - right - decision made. You are going to be a mum! That is huge! Terrible timing. Terrible choice of father. But it will be wonderful. If you let it be wonderful.

Deep down - in your heart of hearts - can you trust him to care for the baby? To love it unconditionally and put it first? To never hurt it?

Being a single mum must be a scary scary thought. But is it really more scary than the idea of leaving a baby with your husband for a couple of hours?

twattymctwatterson · 05/08/2017 17:33

Ask yourself this OP, is there anything your DH could do that would make you leave him? If you go ahead with this pregnancy is there anything he could do to your child? Will you turn a blind eye to emotional abuse again?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 05/08/2017 17:44

Ah, you're Christian, aren't you?

Please listen to the other posters. This is an horrifically abusive relationship and you need to get out to save yourself and now a baby in the mix. Your H (there's no dear around him) is dangerous and you said yourself can't be trusted with a kitten. Please see the warnings before it's too late.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 05/08/2017 17:45

Ps people like this do not change. He's an abuser. There is nothing you can do to change it.

Original poster
AliceInReality · 05/08/2017 18:29

My sister said pretty much the same things as you all have. She offered to take my baby if I need her too. I hope it won't come to that. I at least have tonight to think of how I'll tell DH tomorrow.

Just to make it clear DH wanted the kitten at the time. He also wanted DSS for as long as I've known him and he still does as far as I know. It's only when they come and don't behave as he expects that he doesn't react well. I don't think DH knows or thinks he is abusive. He is still panning for us to visit my DSS from next weekend. He wouldn't do that if he thought he'd done something wrong. It is why I think he can be helped.

No, I don't think DH will love our baby unconditionally. If I go from experience, I think at worst he will be indifferent - if the child hurts themselves or gets hurt he won't help (if the child has offended him in some way). I can't expect any help with the mundane side of child rearing. He will still be opinionated and will want to make all the big decisions - what school they go to, what friends they have, what they should study. At best, if they conform to his ideals I think he would be a good father to them.

Practically DH earns so much more than me. If I go at it alone I could survive but our life wouldn't be as comfortable.... that is assuming he wouldn't fight for custody. I think he might this time round. Then my child would be raised by my in-laws and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

I think if I can persuade DH to not be overly involved in the baby (and just not try at all) it may be best. He can be the detached father his own father was.

OP posts:
Gmccax · 05/08/2017 18:34

HmmHmmHmm

Effendi · 05/08/2017 18:36

He won't change.
You won't LTB.
Better suck it up, this is your life now.

I had one of these. I left him 21 years ago. I still shudder at the thought of what my life would have been like now if I had stayed.

rumred · 05/08/2017 18:37

Ok. Being gentle: a parent who damages a child and accepts no responsibility for their actions is more dangerous than one who regrets a misdemeanour. Your h can't change if he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He will harm children again.

Wake up and smell the coffee. He will harm your child

Bluebelle38 · 05/08/2017 19:27

You are wasting your life on a man that will never make you truly happy. He's selfish and immature.

I hope you take off the rose-tinted glasses and see that your future with a man like this is going to be miserable.

He's a big child.

Spangles1963 · 05/08/2017 19:36

I would be extremely wary of any man who was jealous of my pet.....

BitchQueen90 · 05/08/2017 19:48

If you stay with this man your child will grow up incredibly damaged. Having more money isn't important, loving parents are.

He will not get custody of your child if you leave. He can't even look after the son he already has.

You say you don't think he knows he is abusive. Then how on earth do you think he can change if he sees no problem with his behaviour?

I left my exh while I had no job at all and I went on benefits for a while! It wasn't easy but it was easier than being married to him and he wasn't even abusive.

Gowgirl · 05/08/2017 20:00

Time to move onwards and upwards op, skint is do able fearful for your child isnt! Dont tell him you are pregnant just get the fuck out!

PsychedelicSheep · 05/08/2017 20:08

Sorry OP but what world do you live in?!

Of course he can't change if he doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong! You've got it so twisted.

I guess growing up with a 'detached' father didn't do your H any harm though, oh wait... Hmm

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/08/2017 20:31

Alternatively you could leave him, contact the social worker you were involved with for DSS, tell them the truth about what happened with DSS and the truth about your home life. And that you are now pregnant and want to protect the baby.

Or better still, leave, don't tell him you are pregnant and move to near your sister (who sounds very supportive).

GlitterSparkles17 · 05/08/2017 21:03

In what world do you think he could possibly get custody?! Why are you acting as though all these choices and decisions are out of your hands? YOU are the mother and YOU make the decisions. Make the right one for you and your baby and get out and don't let your baby anywhere near him.

Tell social services what he did to his son and protect your child.

Bluebelle38 · 05/08/2017 21:06

And yes, jealous of a pet is absolutely ridiculous. Imagine how he will be with a child - you won't be able to give a child to a friend when he isn't getting all your attention. Please wake up, OP.

another20 · 05/08/2017 21:19

You are making progress. It is taking you time to see the reality - but your are going in the right direction.

Keep close to your sister. Dont tell him you are pregnant. Give yourself time to get a plan thought through.

You need to get this right. Take all the time you need before you make a move.

Keep close to your sister. Listen to everything she says. She will rescue you and protect you from this.

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