Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH doesn't share

342 replies

AliceInReality · 03/08/2017 19:19

I don't know if this is the right title. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I've name changed and I can't really say anything important or it will give me away but here goes.

We once had a kitten and DH hated the attention it needed and the attention I gave to it. He didn't make me take it away but I couldn't trust him to feed her if I wasn't there so I gave her to a friend.

I used to have friends round and my sister over but he couldn't stand that either. He never did anything completely outright - sometimes he wouldn't speak to them if they said hi, he'd let me know he was upset I was putting them ahead of us. After two years of marriage I realise I have no true friends and I've not seen my sister in years.

His son used to live with us but he I feel he did everything to push him away too.

I don't know why he's like this or why I haven't seen it before. Do any of you have experience of Simone like this and how did you cope?

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 21/08/2017 20:35

Could you contact your sister?
Perhaps go stay with her for a little while just to clear your head and think about thinks.

You could tell your husband that your sister would like you to help her out a bit with her children which is why you'd like to go ( or any other plausiable excuse).

Original poster
AliceInReality · 21/08/2017 20:41

No, I asked him not to do that. I did tell DSS and his GM. I told them not to tell DH and didn't imagine they'd care to tell anyone anyway.

BIL recorded their conversation on the way home. DH tried to deny it but it was definitely him! I told him he was lying and I checked his internet history (for one of the points he was disputing). He admitted to lying to everyone in NY. He said we were all so stupid -a few tears and we were all eating out of his hand. He said some truly disgusting things. He thought BIL would be on his side. I've wasted so much time on him, trying to be perfect for him. I said I hated him. I don't even feel guilty... not yet. It is not going to get better.

OP posts:
Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 21/08/2017 20:46

OP it may not feel like it but he's done you a favour.

Your BIL has shown you far for care and loyalty than your husband .

stillvicarinatutu · 21/08/2017 20:46

jesus christ.

op. phone your sister now. go there for a few days.

you are the victim in this as much as anyone. i really do believe that and i think your dh picked yo because he knew your vulnerabilities and you would be easy pickings.

your BIL has told you this stuff to save you, not to hurt you.

just get away for the time being. act. dont think. think later. act now.

stillvicarinatutu · 21/08/2017 20:48

where in the country are you?

if you are anywhere near me i will gladly help you.

Original poster
AliceInReality · 21/08/2017 21:03

BIL is with me. He said he'll help me stay here till I can find something else. DH will stay at their parents. He said DSS was one party not fooled in NY but he cared for me. I wish I was nicer.

still thank you. I'll be okay. BIL is being so kind to me. He told me to call my sister too. She's going to come tomorrow and stay for a while. I feel so bad she had the children to take care of but I couldn't say no.

OP posts:
YNK · 21/08/2017 21:04

This must be painful, but not even remotely as painful as your childs life would be with him in it.

Now you know all his religious claptrap was manipulation so get the hell away from him.
You will soon have time to re evaluate your beliefs and make a new life for yourself, but first get away!
Going to your sisters is a very good idea.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 21/08/2017 21:18

I'm glad your BIL is helping you. He's a good man. He has gone against his own brother because he knows what his brother is doing and that it's wrong.

I hope you can take come comfort from that.

SittingAround1 · 21/08/2017 21:26

Glad to hear you have some support in RL. Sounds like your BIL and sister really care for you and want to help.

You don't need to feel guilty regarding your husband, he is obviously not a good man.
It'll be for the best for you and your unborn child to be away from him.

PoorYorick · 21/08/2017 21:31

My God.

OP, you must look after yourself and the shock. If it helps at all, please realise that while it seems shocking and incomprehensible to you, it is not anywhere near as impossible as it seems to us. We have a different view of the situation because we are not inside it, and it has been obvious from the start that your husband is a rotten human being. I didn't guess exactly that he was getting off on rape porn, but it's not a massive surprise from someone so abusive and controlling.

Let your family look after you and do what's best for you. We're here too.

Spookle · 21/08/2017 21:43

Goodness me! So he has actually admitted to manipulating all of you?

I pray to God that you all get the help and support you need to deal with this.

PoorYorick · 21/08/2017 21:49

One thing to add, OP - the tears are bound to start soon. He will become the victim, the misunderstood soul, the wholly repentant sinner, the tragic figure in need of salvation.

And when that happens, think of rape porn, think of your stepson's attack, think of the lying, think of the claims to be acting as the hand of God....and ignore the forked tongue.

stillvicarinatutu · 21/08/2017 22:30

alice your bil sounds like a good soul. listen to him, please. and lean on those who love you. your sister loves you.

if you need anything, and if i can help, i would. im in yorkshire. i also work in field that enables me to access support services for those affected by rape/dv/ etc so please let me know if there is anything i can do to help.

i really am glad your bil has been honest wth you. now listen to your own heart, draw strength from your faith but use it to get out of this madness.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 21/08/2017 23:37

I honestly am thanking God right now for your BIL! What a good man he is! Your h knew that his brother was a good man, but he needed to be sure that you trusted and liked no one other than him. Please contact woman's aid and ask about the freedom program! If at all possible you cannot allow him to know about your pregnancy! Block him on everything, all forms of social media and make sure that location services are turned off on your phone and all of your apps. I would get a different sim/ phone number and even email address. I also wouldn't accept any phone calls or requests to meet up with you. If possible I would consider going into a refuge, especially if your h knows where your sister lives. How long can BIL/ your sister stay with you?

Vari757 · 22/08/2017 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 22/08/2017 20:44

Oh - Op. I'm sorry. As you know I have desperately wanted you to know the truth about your husband but I never imaged it would happen like this.

Please do lean on your BIL and sister. They sound like good people who can help you. Don't forget - the baby is both of theirs niece or nephew - they will want to protect it.

Ok - there is one thing that has been going round and round in my head for a while but I didn't want to voice it as it was all conjecture and no proof at all. But the rape porn has convinced me I Should ask the question. Do you know anything about the circumstances around your DSS's conception? Was it a long term regular sexual relationship? Or just the once. The thing I can't stop wondering - was it consensual. The combination of your husband's reaction when your dss was raped (if you start doing sexual stuff you have no right to object) plus the fact that your DSS's mum seems to have rejected him so extremely (one thing to want her life back at 18 and go off to travel but she is now presumably also 27 and has other kids?) is making me wonder. Add in a rape porn and I am really very worried about you Op - please don't be alone with him in future.

RickOShay · 22/08/2017 22:17

Your sister wants to help, don't worry about the children, let her help you. Flowers

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 23/08/2017 00:10

How has today been op? I hope that your sister and BIL have been able to help you in deciding where you want to go from here. I will pray for you, if you don't mind, for protection and guidance on how to proceed next.

RickOShay · 23/08/2017 08:09

Hope you are ok.Flowers

BackInTheRoom · 23/08/2017 09:38

Omg I've just read through the whole thread....I actually don't know what to say? 😱

Original poster
AliceInReality · 23/08/2017 19:46

Thank you for your support. I am okay.

DH apologised. He sent flowers to my work and a letter to explain himself. Everyone at work thinks I'm so lucky. I just feel numb. My sister's been helping me look for places to stay on Spare Room. It doesn't feel like my life yet.

Mum I don't know and I doubt I'll ever find out. But she didn't tell her parents and she didn't object to us taking in DSS after she declined... you'd think she would right? It is supposedly no secret that she wanted an abortion (Something MIL took great delight in telling DSS so he'd be more appreciative to DH) but didn't feel she had enough time to make the decision. DSS's GM told me things were fine when he was a baby but she felt more resentful and isolated from her social group as time went on. Also despite saying he'd help DH was pretty useless. It is pretty awful though - she will contact the GP's but never him and she visits them only. Her birthday card to him was clearly signed by his GM.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 23/08/2017 19:51

He sent flowers to my work and a letter to explain himself

He didn't bother you AT WORK because he's so remorseful, he bothered you AT WORK so that you can't get a break from him anywhere. He doesn't want you to have any escape at all. And as for everyone at work thinking you're lucky, how much do they know of the situation? Have you told them everything you've told us?

Original poster
AliceInReality · 23/08/2017 20:19

PoorYorick No, I've only mentioned to my manager that I need some flexibility as I'm searching for a place. No one else knows and I wouldn't tell them.

OP posts:
RickOShay · 23/08/2017 20:20

I think you are probably in shock, which would explain your sense of unreality. You are doing the right thing by looking at Spare Room, however strange it feels, you are doing the right thing. Have faith in yourself.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 23/08/2017 20:29

It's ok to tell people you know. They aren't going to think badly of you. You don't have to give a reason - just that you have separated.

Swipe left for the next trending thread