My DH doesn't share

[AliceInReality]

I don't know if this is the right title. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I've name changed and I can't really say anything important or it will give me away but here goes.

We once had a kitten and DH hated the attention it needed and the attention I gave to it. He didn't make me take it away but I couldn't trust him to feed her if I wasn't there so I gave her to a friend.

I used to have friends round and my sister over but he couldn't stand that either. He never did anything completely outright - sometimes he wouldn't speak to them if they said hi, he'd let me know he was upset I was putting them ahead of us. After two years of marriage I realise I have no true friends and I've not seen my sister in years.

His son used to live with us but he I feel he did everything to push him away too.

I don't know why he's like this or why I haven't seen it before. Do any of you have experience of Simone like this and how did you cope?

glitter in this situation the husband is the head of house and domestically disciplines the OP, she has no say in anything.

OP, have you at least warned the grandparents about the forthcoming trip!?

But I'm trying to tell her that she's her own person and in the eyes of the law she does have a say, her husband being the head of the household and taking away her ability to make a decision for herself isn't normal. I understand this is an incredibly hard situation for her but it's only going to get harder if she stays especially with a baby in the mix of this toxic mess.

Op - your mind must be mush right now - with all of us telling you one thing, your sister saying other stuff, the horror of what happened to your dss going round and round and knowing that all of it goes against what your husband thinks.

But you don't have to decide now. Give yourself time to think. Don't tell your husband you are pregnant just yet. Let it sink in for a time. Try and spend more time with your sister.

I agree Glitter, just that OP doesn't see it like that.

I remember you op. Please don't subject a child to growing up in this warped environment. You can do it alone! Millions of single mums around the world manage. You are in the U.K., and I know that there is help available to leave him and start again on your own.

Imagine having your baby, on your terms, making all your own decisions and just being you and baby with none of his shit. Deciding that today your going to do whatever suits you and working around your baby.

Or stay with him and imagine trying to placate him at the expense of your child. He will continue to be a sexually, physically, financially abusive controlling bully and your poor child will grow up to think that's normal. And what if your child was not perfect, or maybe gay!

You have options here. Please get some help, and not from within your church as that's how he controls you.
Is there no one at work that you could confide in?
Tell him you are working a extra day this next few weeks maybe and use the days to plan your escape.
See a solicitor ( most will do a free 30 mins) ring women's aid, speak to your family/ friends (no one that will tell him)

If your DH hurts the child in any way, or neglects to help the child when it is hurt - you could end up bringing it up alone anyway at the insistence of SS. If you won't cut contact with him at that point you could have your child taken away from you.

It may not come to that, you may realise that he is too much of a danger to your child and that you have to get away from him.

It would be more sensible to set up a life near your sister away from him from the start, rather than having it forced on you at short notice - which will be extremely traumatic.

The fact that your DH is unaware that he is abusive is why he can't be helped.

Alice
Please re read your posts. Just your posts as if they were from a good friend. Ive just highlighted a few of them there.

Marriage counselling would be a good idea but he's smart and he twists things so I'm always in the wrong or I just feel stupid.
That's what people who are abusive do. That's why it's advised to never have counselling with an abuser.
No, I don't think DH will love our baby unconditionally. If I go from experience, I think at worst he will be indifferent - if the child hurts themselves or gets hurt he won't help (if the child has offended him in some way).
Would you ever be happy to leave your child with someone like this, someone who will refuse to help a baby/young child because of some perceived slight??
my DSS is still suffering because of it. He made him lie to me and keep a secret that could have killed him. It was lucky he got away.
So you realise that what you are saying is that he made HIS SON take a risk with his own life? What if it had turned badly and his son had died? What about the suffering that your dss is still getting?
After two years of marriage I realise I have no true friends and I've not seen my sister in years.
That's the sure sign of an abuser. Isolating people so that they don't have any support network around them, so that they can't get help or have their feelings of 'something is wrong' validated.

So imagine this is your Dsis telling you that or a very good friend. Would you tell them to stay and try to save the marriage? Would tell them that they should try and 'save him'?

Pregnancy is the time when abuse increases. What do you think will happen now?

Jesus Christ op
You cannot change him
Pull your head from the clouds and see it

The amount of women on here who are with men, who are abusers.
They all say what you say I don't want to ltb, I can change him.

You can't, you need to leave

I mean this in a tough-love sense and not meaning to upset you but would you honestly rather have an abortion than leave him??? As that is the impression you're giving, despite saying you don't want an abortion. Yet you've made it clear you won't leave him?

You could keep your baby if you left him and start a life together! I'm a single mum not through choice and it can be very rewarding!

Please, think PROPERLY before aborting a child for a man. I've been there myself! And I regret it on average about 100 times per day......

So you are willing to sacrifice the well-being of your unborn child to stay with your abuse dh. Shame on you.

Thank you for advice on not telling DH just yet. He is so stressed about seeing DSS this week so I doubt he'd have taken it well.

No I wouldn't rather have an abortion than stay . I wish I'd never thought of it. I'll bide my time for a while.

If you don't want to leave, do not take a chance with a baby, please. It's not fair to put a child into the world with a person who has been jealous of your attention to an animal. If you want to be 'comfortable' (I presume that means financially, as your relationship is anything but comfortable emotionally, you know that don't you, really...) that is your choice of course. I would far rather be poor and independent myself. I have come out of a long abusive marriage so I feel entitled to offer my opinion, for your sake, and I do understand that you are making baby steps in your understanding of the situation but I think you have quite a long road to tread. We're all here for you though x

Words absolutely fail me.
Wow - just wow!
But take what a PP said very seriously.
He is abusive and controlling and DV escalates very quickly pregnancy and soon after birth.
I already feel sorry for your poor unborn baby.
What a life!

Well money does give you more choices but I'm not materialistic - my DSSs GPs are pretty wealthy and materialistic. I just want enough so my child doesn't have to struggle. I earn a good wage but when you account for living in London it isn't great at all. DH earns far more than I think we and a few children might need and it feels unfair to deprive this child of that.

Maybe it is because I grew up poor with parents who were stressed and anxious all the time about everything but money was a main factor. They told us how much of a burden we were to them. I couldn't reciprocate giving birthday presents, always had the ugliest clothes, unstyled hair. I just remember how miserable it made my childhood and I don't want the same for my own child. I know it wasn't all to do with money but lack of it makes people react in strange ways.

Ah yes. Money makes up for your DH being an abusive bastard who willingly puts his children in danger. As long as you and the kids have nice haircuts, that's ok.

I was actually beginning to get really angry there but then you did say your parents said how much of a burden you were. Good parents don't do that and it goes a long way to explaining why you are in such a fucked up relationship now.

Do what you couldn't do for you DSS. Protect the child, and yourself from your DH. Get the fuck out now.

It will be easier changing yourself than changing him. So maybe you should learn to love his controlling behaviour...NOT

You sound like you've been brainwashed by a cult, OP!

I wouldn't tell him about the pregnancy AT ALL until YOU have decided what you are going to do.

If you have the baby and keep it AND stay with him - he will abuse your dc too, may even slyly and deliberately hurt it to get rid of the 'competition'.
You will be even more financially dependent on him and under his control.

If you give birth and then put it up for adoption - he will never agree to it and the dc would end up being raised by him/pil and the abuse continues.
Your sister WON'T BE ALLOWED by law to foster/adopt a child just like that - not without the father's consent.
If, by some miracle he agrees to putting dc up for adoption - you can't guarantee the new adoptive parents won't be abusive/secret paedophiles.

I know you don't want an abortion due to the brainwashing and conditioning you've been exposed to........but the reality is that sometimes we have to choose between the lesser of two evils.

If you want to keep your baby......you will find a way to provide for your dc.
Come on - if the impoverished in the 3rd world countries can bring up dc despite not having the priviledge and luxuries that we have in this country - that should tell you something.
It's LOVE that is important, not the materialism.

My advice is that you move far away from him before you give birth.
That way you have more control over his 'access' to you, your home, your child and YOUR life.
Also, if you end up keeping it, he would have to travel for contact with his dc and he won't be allowed overnights/weekends until the dc has been weaned/is a toddler.

If it were me in your shoes, i would leave asap and create as much physical distance as i could.
I'd tell him i slept with someone else a couple of weeks after leaving him, so if/when you start to show he can put 2+2 together and come up with 5.

Op - do the grandparents know you are going to see dss yet? I'm just concerned that if you turn up and they refuse to let your husband see him (and they probably will - wouldn't you?) then he might take it out on you.

Op you said when someone or something does something your dh doesn't anticipate or approve of then they are harmed by him. A baby is very unpredictable: colic, reflux, poor eating...combine that with sleep deprivation in an abuser and you will have a very hurt (at best) baby.

Not to mention pregnancy being unpredictable. What if he thinks you've changed? What if you do? What if you have extreme sickness? Tiredness? Go off sex? Get snappy? Do you really hand on heart think he won't snap?

Don't tell your dh. Tell women's aid and get advice to leave your dh. Or get an abortion. They are the only ways to stop you husband abusing the baby.

You think dss is still hurting now? How about a Tony defenceless baby which can't even lift it's head? That baby needs protection op from your husband.

Heebie DH wouldn't give up that easily - and it would be out of character for me to do that. But I see what you are saying.

The GPs know he is coming. I've not hidden it from them but I don't know what they are planning to do/not do. I know DSS didn't react well to his mother and her husband/children visiting the GPs. I can't imagine he'll want to see us.

I don't know I have been in collusion with them but not sure how he'll blame me for what they decide to do.

03/08/2017 19:43 AliceInReality

Please no ltb. I don't want to leave. I want to understand him and help him to change.

Hahahahahahahahaahahaha

Sorry, but that's never ever going to happen.

Ever. Never.

Never ever ever.

You are with a nasty, jealous controlling and bitter abusive man.

Get yourself a copy of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You'll see him on pretty much every page.

Save yourself the waste of a life, he absolutely won't change. You will kick yourself when you realise just how much of your time on this earth has been spent with someone who loathes you so much they have to crush you and your life to nothing, and they STILL want to crush more.

You couldn't trust him to feed a kitten? A defenceless little animal that he was jealous of the attention it got? Speaks volumes. He sounds pathetic to be fair.... how on earth you could be married to this man I do not know.

You're pg?

Get rid of it. Now. Don't allow anything to keep you linked to him!

Was it circumcision? Is he from a different culture?

Seriously, he will kill you somehow, get out.

Blimey.
Leave
Hth

What the hell did he do to the step son? The way people are going on that sounds bad enough in its self to leave him never mind anything else in this thread!?