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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH doesn't share

342 replies

AliceInReality · 03/08/2017 19:19

I don't know if this is the right title. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I've name changed and I can't really say anything important or it will give me away but here goes.

We once had a kitten and DH hated the attention it needed and the attention I gave to it. He didn't make me take it away but I couldn't trust him to feed her if I wasn't there so I gave her to a friend.

I used to have friends round and my sister over but he couldn't stand that either. He never did anything completely outright - sometimes he wouldn't speak to them if they said hi, he'd let me know he was upset I was putting them ahead of us. After two years of marriage I realise I have no true friends and I've not seen my sister in years.

His son used to live with us but he I feel he did everything to push him away too.

I don't know why he's like this or why I haven't seen it before. Do any of you have experience of Simone like this and how did you cope?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/08/2017 21:29

He sounds extremely controlling

I don't think you can help him change; you need to leave him. This relationship sounds so unhealthy

Iizzyb · 03/08/2017 21:29

Oh love you just need to leave him. Can you get some help in real life? You only get one chance at this life & this doesn't sound like the kind of life you deserve.

Can you get your ducks in a row a bit over next few days & get a plan together FlowersFlowersFlowers don't make any hasty decisions on anything else but get some support xx

ScrambledSmegs · 03/08/2017 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueskyinmarch · 03/08/2017 21:34

Ah thanks. I think I recall that poster/thread. Sounds like a horrible situation all round.

twattymctwatterson · 03/08/2017 21:40

You can't help him to change but it's good that you can finally admit there's a problem here. I know who you are and you've previously come across as massively in denial so you've really taken a huge step forward. I understand that you don't believe in divorce but please believe that there are lots of people on Mumsnet with lots of experience of abuse. Your DH is absolutely an abuser and abusers absolutely don't change because they enjoy it. I know you've taken a lot of flack on here and in all honesty most of it has been deserved, but I respect the way you've kept coming back- there's a reason you've done that. You need to hear opinions outwith the community around you

Gemxo · 03/08/2017 21:41

I think I know who you are OP, & I don't understand why your posting again after what you know your 'D'h let happen to your dss, which may I add you both abused. Who is now very lucky to be back with his GP!!

On your previous thread hundreds of mumsnetters told you not to bring a baby into this situation and you said you may try to conceive! And now your talking abortion because you may be pregnant? You are sick!!! Reported.

KatharinaRosalie · 03/08/2017 21:48
  • I understand he's your first boyfriend and you have no experiences of loving, normal relationship. The way he treats you is not that.
  • he's controlling and abusive. This won't change. It will only get worse.
  • why do you want to be in a relationship with what you have to 'cope'? Most people are in relationships because their partners make their lives easier and more pleasant. Not something you need to cope with.
Maelstrop · 03/08/2017 21:51

Don't be fucking stupid, OP. He won't change, he doesn't want to. You've done what he wants ie got rid of any friends etc. Mug. Piss on a stick, find out then get out.

DeathByMascara · 03/08/2017 21:52

Can we ease up on haranguing the OP please? I was following the other thread & I think it's fair to say the scales were falling from her eyes regarding her husband. It appears her view of him is still shifting, but abuse is so insidious it will take a while to come to terms with what he's actually like!

OP, I'm sorry you find yourself in an even more complicated situation. I do think, from reading your previous thread, that there isn't a safe and happy future for you with your husband - a child would make the inevitable split even harder. Wishing you strength with the future Flowers

DownTownAbbey · 03/08/2017 22:33

If you're in love with someone who is essentially unlovable you need to forget all the Hollywood bollocks about it being fate / standing by your man and allow yourself the luxury of identifying that you should not be in love with an abusive arse hole. Why would you love someone like this? Are you confusing familiarity, fear of change etc with 'love'?

Look at this main objectively. Surely you wouldn't start a relationship with him if you met him again, knowing what you know now? Do you fancy wasting more precious years on him?

His jealousy is not flattering. He'd be jealous no matter who he was with. You're actually sort of irrelevant to the way he behaves.

DownTownAbbey · 03/08/2017 22:35

Look at this man objectively

Flossy1978 · 03/08/2017 22:41

I know who you are.

Neither of you are fit to be parents living together.

Unfortunately you won't listen to anyone here. But you will continue to post like this. I think you like the drama of it all.

You neef to leave this man, even if you aren't pregnant. But you won't. So why do you post here?

PickAChew · 03/08/2017 22:45

Marriage counselling is a terrible idea with someone so controlling and abusive. Individual counselling for you is essential, though.

He's not a project. You can not fix him. That is for him to do, himself, but he doesn't want to because putting you in your place (and his DS) boosts his ego and that is much easier for him to do than be a decent human being.

Run away and don't look back.

geologyrocks · 03/08/2017 22:45

What happened to your dad?

geologyrocks · 03/08/2017 22:45

Dss...not dad

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/08/2017 22:46

I also posted on your other thread.

You know my view of your husband. You need to leave him before he destroys you the way he nearly did with your dss. Despite the new problem I am glad that you posted as I have been thinking about you and wondering if you were ok.

First thing though is to find out if you are pregnant. Are you able to get hold of a pregnancy test? You need to know.

I worry about you having a termination - your beliefs are very deep and it would go against everything you believe.

Could you leave your husband and raise the baby alone?

This isn't just a "baby now or baby in the future" decision. Your husband is who he is. You can't "fix" him. He will never be someone who is safe around your child. Do you love him enough to sacrifice children for him. To sacrifice this (maybe) baby for him?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/08/2017 22:56

Geology It is probably better not to discuss. It will derail the post as it is very shocking. The op's husband has not broken any laws (except maybe child neglect) but suffice to say I wouldn't trust him to look after my goldfish let alone a precious child.

What is interesting is that the Op has known this for years. She knew he wouldn't feed the kitten. Op - deep down I think you have good instincts about your husband. You know you need to leave. As a Christian you have three options here - get divorced, terminate a pregnancy, put a child's (your child's) life at risk. Which one would God (not the men who run your church) prefer?

spadaydone · 03/08/2017 23:17

Sounds like my ex. Never learnt to share. Selfish prick. Still single and lonely 17 years later. Thank god I never had children with him.

I have no idea wtf your husband did to your dss though. It seems like a massive part of the story that only some people know about Confused although I guess the advice remains the same?

He won't change.

ScrambledSmegs · 03/08/2017 23:23

The details aren't necessary, really. It's just in the previous thread it seemed to be the moment that the OP's realised that her husband was not a good man, as she had previously been protesting.

You said you met him at university, OP. Was he your tutor or in a similar position of authority?

Twillow · 03/08/2017 23:28

Now is the time to reach out to your sister. She could be your lifeline.

Original poster
AliceInReality · 05/08/2017 07:19

Mumoftwoyoungkids I was wrong to say that. There's no way I could have an abortion. I have taken tests that have all come back positive. Things always go wrong in threes I guess. No I couldn't raise her or him alone. I don't know how to tell my husband - he'll think I've done it on purpose because DSS left. I think having the baby and being with it from birth and forming the relationship with it may be different for him.

Scambled no he is only two years older than me. We were both part of the same society,

Twillow I took your advice. It wasn't as bad as I expected. I wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to speak to me again but instead I'm on a train down to see her.Smile

OP posts:
DressedCrab · 05/08/2017 07:36

Please don't go home, OP.

malibuthru · 05/08/2017 07:41

OP have you read the book 'Me Before You'? You husband sounds scarily like the main characters husband. Please leave him.

Pregnancy is a trigger for domestic abuse. This will not get better. I know with your religious beliefs you won't believe in divorce, but I'm sure you don't believe in the things you husband did to your DSS either, so maybe you should take a step back and think about what HE really believes in and who you are married to.

How did he react to you seeing your sister?

newdaylight · 05/08/2017 07:41

Alice, you're becoming more aware of the situation your in which is good. It means you don't have to be subjected to his abuse.

I know you said you want to change him. It's not achievable I'm afraid. I'm not saying people can't change a little but intimate relationships are never the forum to try and change people.

So you're pregnant? This accelerates things. We were all worried about your own safety before but now you've got responsibility for someone else.

I'm afraid you know how it goes if your child is exposed to your dh. You've learnt that now. You know what you need to do. Did you copy and paste the last thread. There was loads of practical advice/organisations to contact there because making the step can feel like a really hard thing to do.

I hope you have a really good time with your sister today and that she can give you some RL support. The more you can tell her the more she'll be able to help.

RidingWindhorses · 05/08/2017 07:44

OP you're in an abusive relationship as others have said. I don't know what happened with dss but DH sounds actively dangerous.

Abuse often escalates at key flashpoints, pregnancy is one of them. Abuse also tends to get worse with time.

He will not be better than he was with ds, he will be worse because he will be living with the baby 24/7. Remember the kitten? If he can't cope with the attention you gave a kitten, he will certainly not be able to deal with the amount of care you give a baby.

Anyone who is this angry, controlling and narcissistic, who has actively put their son in danger, is a danger to your baby and to you. Around 55 children die per year from adult abuse or neglect. 539 in the decade 1999-2009. Countless children are taken into care.