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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is loving and caring, right?

231 replies

nataliehere · 30/07/2017 14:28

Hello . I am not sure why i make such a fuss out of something like that. DP of 3 years keeps saying to me that when we live together he wants me to be always near him (we live couple of hours apart now) , wherever he goes he wants me to be there and if he could take me to work(he cant) he would take me there too. This is a sweet and loving thing right? Somehow it gives me negative feelings but i think i am overreacting?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2017 14:29

No. It is overbearing, possessive and downright scary.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 30/07/2017 14:31

Depends. Is it just a figure of speech? Are you going to be allowed out on your own with your friends? Will you have to tell him before you go shopping or to the hairdressers? Can you go visit your family/friends without him?

AccrualIntentions · 30/07/2017 14:32

It totally depends on your relationship. I would absolutely hate it.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2017 14:33

What else has had your spidey senses tingling about him ?

GiveMeTheTeaAndNobodyGetsHurt · 30/07/2017 14:33

Sounds a bit needy and controlling to me. I have been in a couple of relationships where the man basically expected me to be around whenever he wanted, and it was suffocating. Not to mention the lack of respect for me and my own space/activities/friends, which were always secondary to his.

coldcanary · 30/07/2017 14:33

No you're not overreacting. It's creepy, controlling and possessive and if I were you I would have a serious think about whether I really wanted to live with someone who wanted to keep his eye on you all the time.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 14:34

Your spideys are tingling for a reason. Don't ignore them.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/07/2017 14:35

Sounds completely bonkers and controlling and I guess something is niggling you too or you wouldn't be asking.

I'd run for the hills personally as that kind of talk makes me feel very panicked.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/07/2017 14:35

Having negative feelings is telling you you are uncomfortable with it. So then nobody (not even you yourself!) can say you're overreacting.

Anyone who tries to tell you you are feeling the wrong thing is someone to be very wary of. And that goes for someone who doesn't say it as such, but still somehow implies it.

Messelina · 30/07/2017 14:45

Are you planning to live together with him? Or is he just expressing a desire to live with you?

Are you happy living apart? If so, why change it?

After three years together, I would expect him to enjoy doing things on his own, as well as with you. And I would expect him to encourage you to enjoy time apart too.

Wanting to be together all the time isn't sweet and caring, it's unhealthy, and being together constantly isn't good for any relationship.

PickAChew · 30/07/2017 14:48

Ugh, no, it's bloody creepy and needy. You are your own person, not your dp's pet.

mrscropley · 30/07/2017 14:52

Remind him you aren't a handbag pooch. . .

RebornSlippy · 30/07/2017 14:53

Depends on who is saying it. Said from one person it might be romantic, from another it could be comical. Or, as others have suggested, it could be creepy.

The fact you've questioned it and are unsure makes me think it might be latter in your situation.

SandyY2K · 30/07/2017 14:57

Wanting to be together 24/7 is unhealthy. It's also stifling.

Maybe he's joking, but I don't think I'd like that.

Is he a bit jealous, possessive or controlling in any way?

Shoxfordian · 30/07/2017 15:06

Possessive and creepy

Don't move in with him

Original poster
nataliehere · 30/07/2017 15:20

Well currently, he wants me to spend all my free time with him. If he wants to sleep he wants me to sleep too , when i come back from work i have to call or see him etc. Sometimes is not possible because of course i have more things to do and then he either gets upset because he thinks i dont care for him either doesnt say anything but he will bring it up at some point the days after. I dont mind spending my time with him but i dont like it when he complaints and gets upset if i have to do housework etc and i can not be with him (phone or in person)straight away after i return from work

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2017 15:24

No its not loving and sweet; its controlling behaviour on his part. Controlling behaviours are abusive in nature and are also about having power and control over the other person.

I would read a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft; it will explain more in there. This man is in those pages.

There are many red flags re him; you ignore or minimise those at your peril.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2017 15:25

If a friend was telling you this re her man, what would your response be?

tallfox · 30/07/2017 15:25

Woooaaahhhh, you what? Do not live with him ever.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/07/2017 15:25

It will get worse OP.

Run.

Thefutureisbright2017 · 30/07/2017 15:26

Big fat alarm bells ringing there for me OP, why would your parner be upset you were doing the housework! Goodness, what if you went on holiday with the girls, I'm assuming he'd hate that.... you wouldn't have posted if you didnt think this behaviour overbearing

JK1773 · 30/07/2017 15:27

Oh blimey. Run a million miles from this. Sounds absolutely suffocating. He sounds really controlling

troodiedoo · 30/07/2017 15:27

I would seriously think about getting the hell out OP. These threads are littered with women who ignored red flags.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2017 15:27

Do not under any circumstances go and live with him now; he is telling you what your life would be like going forward as well. His behaviours are not at all sweet nor loving. Infact I would end this relationship now by saying this is no longer working for you but be careful because he is not going to let go of you at all easily.

Shoxfordian · 30/07/2017 15:29

Very controlling behaviour

Definitely don't move in