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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is loving and caring, right?

231 replies

nataliehere · 30/07/2017 14:28

Hello . I am not sure why i make such a fuss out of something like that. DP of 3 years keeps saying to me that when we live together he wants me to be always near him (we live couple of hours apart now) , wherever he goes he wants me to be there and if he could take me to work(he cant) he would take me there too. This is a sweet and loving thing right? Somehow it gives me negative feelings but i think i am overreacting?

OP posts:

Popchyck · 31/07/2017 10:53

Yes, you don't actually have to see or speak to him ever again. That is in your control. You can send a text saying that the relationship isn't working out for you, that you don't want to see him again and you wish him all the best for the future.

Then block him on your phone, email and social media. His behaviour is such that this is the safest course of action for you.

If he persists then contact the police. Do not get drawn into meeting up with him, that would not be safe for you.

Original poster

nataliehere · 31/07/2017 10:56

@WhateverNameIsStillAvailable
I have times when i wait for him to sleep(we work different shifts and he sleeps during the day) and then i get up and do housework etc. If he wakes up during that time he will call me and if i tell him that i was doing this and that or even if i dont sound sleepy he gets upset most of the times and complaints why i never sleep with him anymore and what am i doing .Then he demands i sleep again with him (on phone, when is in person i dont even try to get up). I know that all that sounds ridiculous but its like he broke me and i just try to avoid the drama

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 31/07/2017 10:57

I know this is for me to resolve i just dont know how.

'Hi x. This relationship isn't working for me so just to let you know it is over. Natalie'.

AlternativeTentacle · 31/07/2017 10:58

Then he demands i sleep again with him (on phone, when is in person i dont even try to get up).

This is absolutely fucking insane!

TatterdemalionAspie · 31/07/2017 11:00

When you say you 'don't know how' to resolve it, do you mean that
A) you don't know what you should do? Or
B) you don't know how you're going to find the strength and resolve to end the relationship?

The answer to A) is patently clear to everyone reading about your situation, and hopefully is just as clear to you, now. You are in a controlling and abusive relationship. He will not change. It will get worse. You need to get out of this horrible situation and thank your lucky stars that you realised before you moved in with him.

The answer to B), if that's what you meant, is less straightforward, but you will get a whole heap of support on here. Mumsnet annoys the hell out of me a lot of the time, but one thing it really excels at is supporting women in realising when they are being treated appallingly, and helping them deal with that situation.

Goldmandra · 31/07/2017 11:00

You don't need to give him a reason. If you do, he will just use it as a way to tell you that you are wrong.

Don't enter into any discussions or try to justify your decision. He doesn't believe that you have a right to make decisions for yourself so nothing you say will help.

Do you have a friend who can help you through this? Even one who he has isolated you from. They may be very pleased to hear that you are ready to leave him.

Notreallyarsed · 31/07/2017 11:00

Block his number/social media/any other way of contacting you. You have the right to keep yourself safe and to remove yourself from his control. I'm glad you're realising now, rather than after you moved in together.

jumpinguphigh2 · 31/07/2017 11:01

but its like he broke me and i just try to avoid the drama

Sadly that has just made it worse. Have you had abusive relationships before?

AufderAutobahn · 31/07/2017 11:04

Oh my. So many red flags. I had an ex who was very similar and I stayed with him thinking this was loving and caring and I should be grateful. It wasn't. It was controlling. Your life will be hell if you move in together. He will be wanting to know where you are all the time. Imagine never being able to go out and see your friends, pursue your own interests, I bet he will interrogate you even about your journey to work. Trust your gut instinct and get rid, if he was loving and caring he would respect your right to live your own life independently and on your terms, not his.

fairgame84 · 31/07/2017 11:04

Sounds like my ex.
He used to poke me awake if I fell asleep before him. He used to wake me up really early on a weekend so I could make him a cooked breakfast.
He used to stop me from doing my hobbies because I needed to focus on him and it was selfish to read a book when he wanted us to watch a programme that I wasn't interested in.
I wasn't allowed on work nights out because other men might look at me. He trusted me but didn't trust the other men.
I had to go round to his house as soon as I finished work on Friday and spend the weekend with him. If I didn't then I was a selfish cow.

These are just a few examples. There are hundreds more
What would your advice be to me if I was still in this relationship?
LTB because it will only get worse. It's not love, it's control.

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 31/07/2017 11:06

Oh that sounds weird seem as you have slept already.
I'd probably tell him that u have slept and am now doing xy and z. You have a nice sleep and we'll talk later.
You need to put yourself first here and tell him because you have to stand up for yourself.
If he reacts pissy I'd ignore. If he goes mental I'd tell him this just isn't working for me anymore.
Say you did move in together , would he expect you to sleep at night and then again all day because he's ready to sleep now?
Does he even think about how you feel?

Peanutbuttercheese · 31/07/2017 11:15

Finish with him and block ALL forms of communication. I guarantee you have potential stalker material here. Change your number as well because even if you block him what's to stop him trying from another number,

He is in your head and he will use every manipulative tactic to try and stay in touch.

Don't phone him just msg, I don't like messaging to end relationships usually but in cases like this it's a necessity.

I dated a control freak it went very wrong as soon as I started to stand up for myself and he became a monster as soon as not everything was 100% his way.

Does he make small criticisms about the way you look or do things? They are probably quite small and almost unnoticeable at the time but they do it to chip away at your self esteem. It's another tactic, those criticisms increase over time.

pictish · 31/07/2017 11:17

Is this for real?
I haven't read everything so excuse me if I've missed something glaring. You said you are happy to spend all your free time with him. Omg why? Do you not have family, friends, interests, hobbies outside of your relationship that you like to maintain? A relationship isn't about only being with one another and nothing else for crying out loud. That's not at all healthy.
Don't be happy to spend all your free time at someone else's beck and call. You have autonomy...employ it, enjoy it and attract someone who respects it.

In other news, your boyfriend sounds completely fucking nuts. Like seriously and alarmingly deranged. Good God run!

Aussiebean · 31/07/2017 11:27

'I love you more than you love me'

'You know what... you are right. You do love me more than I love you and you are right that we should break up. You are right. You deserve someone who loves you are much as you love them and us breaking up will help you find that love. So glad you saw this before we moved in together. I wish you well. We shouldn't contact each other to help with the moving on. Good luck in finding the one.'

Then hang up, don't let him reply or say anything. Block his number.

pictish · 31/07/2017 11:30

"Then he demands i sleep again with him (on phone, when is in person i dont even try to get up)."

This is just...mindboggling.
Don't take that personally OP because I understand how it gets to this stage. The control happens in little increments building up so as you don't fully acknowledge it. Then one day you find yourself in a situation that is utterly bonkers but you are so conditioned to it you play along. This is one of those situations. It is not for anyone to tell you when to go to bed or when to get up, or when to sleep. It is particularly fucknugget mental to receive such instructions over the phone!
He all shades of cray cray. You need to work on your self esteem. The first and most important thing you do should be ditching this dangerous man. I sincerely hope you can find the resolve to do it. I wish you all the very best for the future.

DearMrDilkington · 31/07/2017 11:55

Have you got any money?

If you do, I'd go somewhere for a few weeks. Dump him by text, ask him not to contact you anymore, block him and just leave. Don't tell him or anyone who knows him where your going. If you do tell anyone make sure they don't tell him where you went. Don't dump him until you've already left your area, otherwise he might find out.

make sure you have no tracking apps on your phone, I'd take it to a phone shop and ask them to check it for you.

When you return, don't open the door to anyone unless you know who it is. If he shows up, ask him to leave if not you'll ring the police.

Keep safe.

jumpinguphigh2 · 31/07/2017 11:56

Omg you just KNOW he's put tracking apps on the phone

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/07/2017 11:58

I have been really becoming quite frightened on your behalf OP, the more I'm reading. This is not a healthy relationship. Do you have any friends and/or family you can talk to?

Tinkerbec · 31/07/2017 12:33

f you do, I'd go somewhere for a few weeks. Dump him by text, ask him not to contact you anymore, block him and just leave. Don't tell him or anyone who knows him where your going. If you do tell anyone make sure they don't tell him where you went. Don't dump him until you've already left your area, otherwise he might find out.

This!

When you say sleep on the phone? Do you have your phones on so can here each other sleeping or does he call when wakes during the night? Both are not very unhealthy.

Tinkerbec · 31/07/2017 12:33

Hear not here

Tinkerbec · 31/07/2017 12:34

Not healthy!

Thinkingofausername1 · 31/07/2017 12:40

Run far far away!!!!!

Kr1stina · 31/07/2017 12:49

Does he have the phone number of any of your family and friends ? If so, tell them once have dumped him in case he tries to call them.

KatharinaRosalie · 31/07/2017 12:52

Let me guess, he does not like you using social media as well? Or he has asked for all the passwords?

iogo · 31/07/2017 12:53

Echoing everyone else OP. Run and keep safe. X

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