This is loving and caring, right?

[nataliehere]

Hello . I am not sure why i make such a fuss out of something like that. DP of 3 years keeps saying to me that when we live together he wants me to be always near him (we live couple of hours apart now) , wherever he goes he wants me to be there and if he could take me to work(he cant) he would take me there too. This is a sweet and loving thing right? Somehow it gives me negative feelings but i think i am overreacting?

Sorry posted too soon. Run, far away and please don't move in with him, for your own sake.

This turns into:

*I want to know exactly where you are when I can't see you.

*I don't want you to talk to other men just in case one of them fancies you. They can't be trusted.

*You don't need to spend time with your friends or families because they aren't good enough for you. I am all you need.

*You aren't great with managing money so I will handle all of our finances.

*I've lost the second house key so I'll just lock the door when I go out. You shouldn't need to go anywhere anyway.

*You telling me that you don't like how I treat you hurts my feelings. I'm only doing what's best for you.

*It's your fault that I hurt you because you made me angry.

*I didn't rape you. I could tell you wanted sex really. It's your fault for teasing me.

Do not get yourself into any situation you cannot walk away from with this man. Don't make any financial commitments, have children or plan a wedding.

If you don't believe me now, print out my list and walk away when the predictions start to come true.

I hope I am wrong and you never get to see what I'm describing.

Goldmandara that's chilling. But so true

Always listen to your instincts. Yours are telling you this isn't right. Trust them.

Goldmandra has it absolutely spot on.

Ruuuuuuuuuuuun!

Run OP, very fast. He sounds scary and controlling.

This man doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship. He has most likely been irreparably damaged by his upbringing.

It's very sad but his bottomless need for your attention and reassurance will consume you. He will put his need to feel safe over your need to be a person in your own right.

No; it's not sweet. It's weird, and potentially, down the line, abusive

Nope, nope, nopetty nope nope. Creepy as fuck. Massive red flag, goodness only knows how much worse it could get if you move in together. Don't move in with him - just run like the wind.

No just no

Is OP coming back or is this just a stirplop and fuck off situation ?

Why are you ignoring the very obvious signs.

I couldn't deal with that at all. He's more clingy and needy than a new born baby. His behaviour is suffocating.

And I can just imagine that sulking when he says you don't care.

I'd be saying he seeks therapy to find out why he does this. He may have suffered from being abandoned in previous relationships or by a parent and has developed this irrational fear.

If he's prepared to accept he has a problem...and seek help... Then it can be salvaged... If not... I'd seriously think about walking away from the relationship.

He sounds horrific.

RUN.

No. Bad red flags there in your second post. My XH was like that -- he turned out to be a total control freak, albeit a fairly good-hearted one. I had to spend all my waking hours with him, doing things with him that he liked to do (and never anything I liked to do) and keeping him company. Whenever I would try to do something differently from him, like getting up at 7 AM instead of 6 or reading the newspaper in his presence, he manipulated everything round to me giving up everything I enjoyed or wanted to do. At the same time he was utterly incapable of intimacy; kept insisting we take lodgers so that he would have someone to talk to at all times. By the end of it, I was entirely deskilled as a person and had to fight my way out of my marriage.

FYI he went to boarding school from the age of 8, and looking back on it I think he had boarding school syndrome poor man. I really felt for him, and I still do, but I could not breathe under such surveillance and control.

This isn't right, it's in fact very very wrong. It's not loving and caring it's controlling, absuive, intrusive, creepy and just plain weird. If you can't bin him right away, don't live with him. Tell him you need to have your own life, if he can't accept it or gets hurt, then you need to end it.

If you stay and move in with him your life will basically be over.

You need to get away from him he is controlling and messed up and these types only get worse as time goes on.

The fact you feel it's not quite right tells you everything you need to know really. Listen to that inner voice of yours.

Thank you for the replies. Its a bit overwhelming, i am still trying to get my head around this. I am happy to spend time with him as much as possible but there are times that i need to do other things and then i feel terribly guilty because he will tell me that i dont care about him. And he always says that he does way more than i do and i make minimal effort As no matter what i do it is never good enough or worthy . Your posts gave me a different perspective and an explanation why i feel uneasy . I feel stupid now and i dont know what to do

Sorry, posted too soon. You say you don't know what to do.

Ideally, in a relationship, how would you like things to be and what do you think the chances are of achieving that with this man?

You can leave a relationship whenever and for whatever reason you want.

I think you do know what to do

End the relationship because it's not going to work with such a controlling man. He isn't being reasonable. I see my boyfriend a few nights a week but other nights I see friends or just stay home alone. He does the same. No sulking or saying I don't love him.

Please really think through whether you want to move in and really consider not doing so

wherever he goes he wants me to be there and if he could take me to work(he cant) he would take me there too

Run away as fast as you can

nataliehere you know what to do. Please end things as soon as possible. Don't feel stupid, you are smart to see the warnings and ask for support.

One thing massively in your favour is that you don't live together and you have distance between you.

Just tell him you've changed your mind and don't see a future together. Don't give him a chance to twist things and change your mind. Police are there should you need them.

I would start to slowly back off abc see how he reacts. Go often are you seeing him?

DH and I tell each other crap likethis because there was a weird couple of Come Dine With Me like this and its so creepy its funny. Its not funny when its your life. DH said "does she realise that's a stalker not a boyfriend?"

This rings alarm bells for me too.
When DH and I were in the first flushes of love, we'd sometimes say "ahhh, I wish you didn't have to leave... I wish you could come with me.,. Can't wait till I can see you again" etc but it was mutual and I dunno, just felt OK and not needy, just totally head over heels.
I was prepared to think yours was like that but it doesn't really sound it, and you've been together a while.