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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is loving and caring, right?

231 replies

nataliehere · 30/07/2017 14:28

Hello . I am not sure why i make such a fuss out of something like that. DP of 3 years keeps saying to me that when we live together he wants me to be always near him (we live couple of hours apart now) , wherever he goes he wants me to be there and if he could take me to work(he cant) he would take me there too. This is a sweet and loving thing right? Somehow it gives me negative feelings but i think i am overreacting?

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 02/08/2017 04:26

Well done. I hope he leaves you alone soon?

I had a bf like this once. It ended up being a police matter. Please ring them if he harrasses you.

KarmaNoMore · 02/08/2017 06:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatharinaRosalie · 02/08/2017 07:06

OP, listen to us now - this really, really is NOT YOUR FAULT.

As others have said, it will probably get worse before it gets better. He's following the script to the letter, switching between 'I love you so much and can't live without you' and 'You're lucky you had me, nobody else will want such a person'

CocoaLeaves · 02/08/2017 07:12

Absolutely call the police if the harrassment does not stop.

You have the right to end the relationship, without being bombarded with messages, guilt tripped etc.

If you write any kind of explanation, he will use that to make promises to change, and to work out how to weaken you further. He is a controlling abusive bully, do not give him further ammunition.

user1473602935 · 02/08/2017 07:16

Eek that would turn me right off. Needy and creepy!

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2017 07:59

Well done Natalie!

Can you block him on WhatsApp and your phone? I would suggest you do this

springydaffs · 02/08/2017 08:04

No its not needy and creepy, user, it is abusive and controlling. He specifically does this to gain control of op's mind and her movements.

AlternativeTentacle · 02/08/2017 08:18

Well done. I think the time now is to yes - sort out your phone so that he can't track you. But also you do need to talk to a friend. And play the grey rock routine. Be duller than a dull damp dishrag in dullsville. And lock down all social media.

If you think he will start harassing you, and I suspect he will, you need to tell him this. 'I have been advised that I need to inform you that I no longer want any contact from you. I need to do this so that if you persist, I can take further action to prevent harassment and this proves that I have told you that the contact is not wanted'.

ElspethFlashman · 02/08/2017 08:35

blue rinser I remember you too and am relieved you got out. Was the iPad underneath/behind the sofa or was that someone else?

DistanceCall · 02/08/2017 09:32

Well done, Natalie! Keep strong. And please tell someone in real life - telling friends about it doesn't mean getting them involved in any drama, it's just a way to find some support. Wouldn't you want a friend to tell you if they were going through personal trouble?

And I agree with PPs - don't hesitate to call the police if the harassment persists. There is something seriously wrong with this man - absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your instincts were absolutely right - as proven by his messages and controlling reaction - and you just want a normal relationship with someone who respects you and actually likes you as you are.

You really, really dodged a bullet there, Natalie.

GreenTulips · 02/08/2017 09:42

Please tell a friend

It becomes 'real' when you say it out loud and tell a good friend 'if I say I'm going back - you have to remind me of all the crap parts'

Then she's the friend to call - ask her to remind you!!!

It really helps you keep strong when you wobble

Fantasticmissfoxy · 02/08/2017 09:45

Wow to start with Clingy Von Clingerson sounded a bit irritating and immature but the more you write the worse it gets - you need to get away from this man as soon as possible, he sounds unbearable and frankly a bit scary

DistanceCall · 02/08/2017 09:47

By the way, your final message was perfect. Don't tell hem how messed up he is, don't talk to him, don't engage. As PPs have said, follow the grey rock strategy. He wants to get a rise out of you. Don't. Be boring, boring, boring, dull, dull, dull. Don't react. He'll get bored eventually.

Fantasticmissfoxy · 02/08/2017 09:49

Just read the updates - well done and stay strong x

DistanceCall · 02/08/2017 09:55

And please remember that we are always here to support you, Natalie.

LonginesPrime · 02/08/2017 10:25

Well done, OP - you've had a lucky escape!!

This guy obviously skipped over the chapter in the abusive husband's handbook where you're supposed to act normal before you've reeled them in, and only let the batshit crazy bits creep in gradually over the first year or two of living together...it's lucky he was so ridiculously unreasonable from the beginning!

Aussiebean · 02/08/2017 10:43

If you had gone on to why you were leaving him and how horrible he was you would have invited him to respond and argue and justify.

Your answer was perfect. It's over, good luck and if discussion.

X

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/08/2017 11:07

Well done, well done, well done! But please don't feel you would be 'adding drama' to your friends' lives. I'm sure they would want to help if they knew you were upset - this is all part of the undermining your confidence thing that he has managed to do! Maybe just text a friend? X

Popchyck · 02/08/2017 11:13

Well done for taking action. Your message was absolutely fine. If you went into the ins and outs of your relationship via text, it would leave a door open for him to keep up a discussion. And he would have barged through that door.

He won't give up at that, though. He will turn up at your house or job. You do not have to talk to him. Make sure you change the locks on your house (even if you don't think he had a key cut).

Can you take a few days off work and get away somewhere?

And yes to telling friends and family and trusted colleagues.

TatterdemalionAspie · 02/08/2017 12:12

Well done Natalie!! Flowers Wine Cake

You're getting great advice here from people who have been through what you are going through, so not much I can add, but the only thing that concerns me slightly is that your message to him (and what you said on the phone) still seems quite focused on him and his expectations of you - you're tired of not being good enough according to his warped standards. To me that leaves a potential gap in his mind for him to manipulate you by saying he'll change his standards/expectations.

Would you feel able to make it more about YOU? eg 'This relationship isn't working for me any more. You're right - I don't love you enough and I never will, because your coercive and manipulative behaviour has killed off any love I felt. It's over - don't contact me again. If you continue to contact and harrass me, I will inform the police.'

I think you need to tell your friends. That's what friends are there for - to support and comfort you and keep you strong. It would only become 'drama' if you kept repeating the pattern over and over. Tell people - it's not your fault, and it helps to make it real.

DartmoorDoughnut · 02/08/2017 12:57

Well done Natalie

Motoko · 02/08/2017 14:00

Christ, reading your posts is chilling.

Please, please, please, tell someone in real life about this. It's for your own safety. If I was one of your friends, I'd want to help you.

Change the locks, google YouTube videos to find out how to do it. You can buy the barrels in B&Q for £10-£20 and just need a screwdriver.

Send him one last message on What'sApp telling him you don't want him to contact you, then block him.

Don't engage with him any more. If you do, he can wear you down until you give in to him. You said you've tried before, but you didn't go no contact. You MUST this time.

Tell your boss at work what's happening, as chances are, he will turn up there.

Ring Women's Aid.

We can only give you support and advice on here, but only you can actually do these things. Unfortunately, we can't wave a magic wand and make him go away and leave you alone. You've done really well so far, but you need to follow it up by following the other advice you've had on here.

All the best. Flowers

solsbury · 02/08/2017 15:23

Am really worried OP has been worn down.......he sounds genuinely frightening

wotabastard · 02/08/2017 16:08

Hey Natalie how are things today? x

Goldmandra · 02/08/2017 17:40

I've just seen your update.

Well done. You have told him that it's over.

You will question yourself and have wobbles. That's what happens when someone has deliberately trashed your self-esteem. You need to use some strategies to stop you caving in and going back. You could do the list I suggested earlier in the thread or you could use a friend to remind you of how awful it was if you start to falter.

I think part of the reason you are worried about contacting friends is that your self-esteem is too low for you to believe that they will care. Please pick one and give them a chance to help you. You might be surprised. Why not just contact someone to meet for a coffee and feel your way from there? You don't have to tell them but it might feel like the right thing to do when you get there.

He's trying every trick in the book to get you to change your mind and he is likely to carry on. Stay strong. Don't get into a phone or face to face conversation. You do not owe him anything no matter what he tries to tell you.

Have you called Women's Aid? Please don't think you don't qualify for their support. You absolutely do. They don't just support victims of violence.

Coercive control is powerful and dangerous but it doesn't leave a physical mark on you. It can make you do things that you really don't want to do because you don't believe you have the power to resist or because you don't think you deserve any better. It is every bit as bad as physical abuse.

You deserve help and support to get through this, from friends as well as from Women's Aid.

This thread is yours and there are lots of us waiting to offer what support we can online when you need it Flowers