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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
macnab · 27/07/2017 15:40

Take your head out of the sand.

When he gets home, tell him the hotel didn't have his card but they did have the pearl necklace that was left in the bathroom. Produce it and then watch his reaction.

But your gut is always right (in my experience) and he's cheated on you before already - kissing another woman and sending flirty texts (and they're only the incidents that you found out about)

Once a cheater, always a cheater in my opinion. I'm so sorry OP but it doesn't look good and I wouldn't stay with a cheater.

Angelf1sh · 27/07/2017 15:41

Sorry. There's no explanation for that except the obvious. I'd check credit card statements if I were you to see if there are any mystery payments at hotels/restaurants etc. It's shit to find out that way.

Needsomeflapjacks · 27/07/2017 15:45

You haven't broken up your family op. He has done that all by himself.

You need to get checked out for sti and see a solicitor.

Maybe keep it together till you get legal advice.

Then let rip. .
He is a cheating bastard.

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 27/07/2017 15:45

You've kept this to yourself for a month? What are you waiting for?

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:47

I feel like the only thing keeping me together is not confronting him though. I know I'm being a coward.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2017 15:48

I am sorry that you are going through this.

You need however, to get your head out of the sand, he has already cheated on you twice and that is what you already know about. Why did you not get shot of him then; again it was probably your innate fear of breaking up the family along with your relationship bar or tolerance being set too low. He knows that you are not going to leave him regardless of what he does. Living with a cheater is soul destroying and is akin to a slow death by 1000 cuts.

I would produce the pearl necklace from the hotel's bathroom and see his reaction to same; that will tell you what you need to know and do not want to acknowledge.

You would not be breaking up the family; he has already done that by his actions already.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2017 15:49

Do not be a coward, burying your head in the sand simply pushes down the pain deeper and will take even longer to recover from.

Cocklodger · 27/07/2017 15:50

Confront him and kick him out OP.
Sorry Flowers

scoobydoo1971 · 27/07/2017 15:52

Necklace may have belonged to a previous guest. Hotel cleaner may have missed it as they are under pressure on room changeover day. However, hotel reception seems to have alluded to the possibility that your husband had company, and that requires looking into. He does seem to have a dodgy track record.

wherearemymarbles · 27/07/2017 15:57

The Owner will probably want to know where they went and one would assume has called the hotel.

Not confronting him will eat you up. You dont have to leave him if you dont want to be you have to have the truth.

Adora10 · 27/07/2017 15:57

What Scooby says.

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 16:04

I have resisted snooping even though it's been eating me up inside, he has a study/den with locked drawers where he keeps financial papers etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 16:07

He pretty much takes care of all our finances, although I have my own little account, we've been on a bit of an austerity drive the last year as we had car payments and some credit card debt we needed to pay off.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 27/07/2017 16:07

phone the hotel back and get confirmation.

Buddy14 · 27/07/2017 16:08

OP you deserve better than this and you want to set an example to your children of what is and isn't acceptable
In relationships. Poor you :-(

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/07/2017 16:12

Yep - credit card debt that pays for hotel rooms with his mistress no doubt!

I think you need to grab the bull by the horns and confront him I'm afraid.

SteppingOnToes · 27/07/2017 16:14

There is a recent thread like this about earrings - the OP was right to be suspicious.

Before you confront him make sure you have all your ducks in order (paperwork etc) and also have a good old snoop if you can. As soon as you confront him all passwords will be changed and all evidence of infidelity deleted. Please protect yourself and play the long game...

hellsbellsmelons · 27/07/2017 16:15

Ahhhhh... bless you.
It's so hard.
Especially as you have 2 young DC.

You can carry on as you are. Not confronting it. Driving yourself crazy.
Ending up with mental health issues to deal with and life of misery.

Or... you can get yourself to a solicitor and find out where you would stand if you were to separate.
Get into those locked drawers and get copies of all financial documents.
Wage slips. Account details, joint and single. Pension details etc...
Knowledge is power and I think you'd yourself feeling stronger if you knew all the ins and outs.
Then take it from there.

Also, do you have a non-judgemental friend who won't judge you if stay that you can confide in?
Sharing this burden will really help and getting another outside opinion will also help.

You've sat on this for a while so there's no rush to confront him now.
Get all the info you can and understand your options.
Just knowing you are doing something will help you focus.

viques · 27/07/2017 16:15

I think the name you have chosen says what you know in your heart foolme.

he has used up all his chances , and some.

I would have the necklace valued,btw. you might as well have something from the mess and even if it is worth a bit it is not going to go any way to recompensing you for your hurt , but could go towards a holiday for you and the kids.

thecakefairy · 27/07/2017 16:16

I would want to do some more investigating before I really went to town on this.
I think it could be easy for the hotel to get a room and necklace mixed up and also it could be easy for him to say that they had got it mixed up.
It is evidence but shaky evidence which could be explained away without further proof.

fullofhope03 · 27/07/2017 16:21

Oh OP, I'm so sorry, it doesn't sound at all good. And I understand your reluctance to confront him and then have to deal with the mega can of worms that will result :-(
However, confront him you must. He's behaved appallingly before so track record not good :-(
Do you have a friend, close relative that you can talk to about this and who will be there for you from now on?
Good luck and a big big hug to you. PS- I'd be tempted (after showing him the necklace) to whizz out and sell it asap. I know, I'm not a very good person sometimes hangs head in shame xxxxx

fullofhope03 · 27/07/2017 16:24

Just seen your post viques! Evil minds think alike...xx

thegoodnameshadgone · 27/07/2017 16:28

I'd wear it tonight. You'd know by his face what to think.

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 16:28

I don't know if I could get into his phone, it has a password, I think I'll ask to use it later as I 'dropped' mine and see what he says

OP posts:
Adora10 · 27/07/2017 16:30

Reminded me of my father who worked away a lot, later found out, played away a lot too.

That plus the necklace, nah, not good.