It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

Read your last post back to yourself.

He was cheated, but had that little respect for you when caught he made you feel like you were mentally ill.

Why are you with him?

Cheating*

You need to have that convo. You'll drive yourself mental by going over it in your head.

I agree you aren't going to get the truth from him
Other classic signs are ringing early in evening on a work trip then not answering later on (fell asleep or phone was upstairs)
Keeping passwords and things very private
Staying up late to go online
Coming back from work trips just that little bit different /almost happy

He gaslights you OP. And he does this, to your massive detriment, so he can do what he wants with whom he wants.

You need to break open those drawers, copy what is in there (you can buy good scanner phone ApS quite cheaply) and then confront him. Know that he will lie to you. Be prepared.

Ignore the daft posters saying you have stolen the pearls, and should take them to the police. Like fuck you have. I'd be happy for the OW to accuse me of theft under these circumstances. Yeah bring it on - that would be evidence of auditory on a plate. Besides if she asks nicely you can return them (as if).

Sorry this is happening OP. But it is happening and you do need to deal with it.

If they are valuable (doubt it- what postal service would accept them?), you can be very sure the owner will want them back. Therefore expect a doorknock from the police at some point.

I doubt they were worth anything tbh. I have tons of fake pearls. They are sold in Accessorize, Claires, etc.

The hotel is liable for the pearls.

Also hotel cannot pass ops details on - data protection regulations.

Nonsense.

Unless you're going to leave him, if he's cheated (which it doesn't sound like you will), what's the point in confronting.

You aren't ready to leave, I would just suggest you use condoms with him to protect yourself from STDS.

I would also suggest that you start investing time in yourself. Do things for you and be ready to stand independently as much as possible.

The worse thing is having your whole life revolve around him. Take up a hobby that gets you out of the house and he can stay with the children.

I sense your self esteem is a bit low and counselling might be beneficial. You learn a lot about yourself and it might give you strength to do the right thing, whatever that is for you.

Ex hotelier here.

Op's conversation with the receptionist sounds completely believable. She called the day after he came back, and reception had the item logged as found.

I'm curious as to whether they asked your address; were the pearls in a box; did the clasp look shiny and polished ie recently purchased? And did the debit card ever show up?

Sandy - yes my self esteem isn't great, I've struggled with the children to be honest and was given antidepressants after DS. I've never really felt properly like myself again afterwards but two lively ones can drain anyone I think! We have a comfortable life together and I'd hate hate hate if the children had to suffer. I think in my heart I've turned a blind eye but even I can't really ignore this, in the last month of not talking about it I've been getting crippling headaches.

Your self esteem is low and you've struggled with depression because your husband doesn't treat you properly. You don't seem to make that connection rather see it as separate (or to blame) for the way he's behaved

Thank you shank, it's hard enough dealing with it without feeling like people don't believe you. I had to confirm our address but it's clear they thought I'd been there with him. They were in bubble wrap not a box, I assume the hotel? I was looking at it before making up my mind to post, it seems fairly 'new' looking?

His debit card was found he'd gone to get coffee and left it in the office building's canteen someone handed it in.

Can you ring back the hotel. Ask whoever answers ''was it you or a colleague who sent my sister pearls left behind in room 101?". Easier to fish as though you're not ringing for yourself. Say that your 'sister' was so taken about by mention of pearls that she just said yes. Ask if anybody else has been looking for the pearls and say you will forward them to her if she has left her address.

I wouldn't talk to him unless you have absolute proof, and if the necklace is your absolute proof then go for it.

I made the mistake of confronting my husband based purely on my suspicions.

My friends said 'talk to him, he's your husband' so I did, and all that came out of his mouth were lies lies lies.
He was much more guarded from then on, and put me through months of mental torture before I finally found the evidence that he couldn't deny.

Big hugs OP, I know what you are going through xx

I don't think I can ring them back now wanna it was a month ago :(

How can I look for a second phone if he keeps his gym bag in his car? I never need to go in there.

"Ignore the daft posters saying you have stolen the pearls, and should take them to the police. Like fuck you have"

If you retain property you know is not yours then it's theft. Doesn't matter if you lifted them out of someone's hotel room yourself or hung on to something sent to you in error.

They are not yours to keep, so don't keep them.

Aye ok, send them back, but not before you've stuck them up your arse.

Sorry this is happening to you op

Oh Rocky!

What if the hotel mixed up the room number and mistakenly thought they were found in your DH's room?

Wear the necklace tomorrow & see what he says

Op just ask him to open the draws, and to give you the passwords to any devices.
His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Wear it tomorrow and ask if he likes your new necklace, his reaction will be enough.

As for pearls been old fashioned, not true. They made a huge comeback. Not that I follow trends!

Heartonsleeve - that's what I'm most afraid of to be honest, if I confronted him and he confessed it would be one thing, an awful thing, but If he lied to my face I just couldn't bear it.