It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

I would ring the hotel and investigate more
I think it would be very easy for it to have been left by whoever stayed there before he did. And that may be a perfectly innocent customer who will shortly begin wondering about their necklace and find it's gone to the wrong person.

I appreciate you can't drive the hotel up the wall though - not sure how you call and say "I think I might have taken this in error". Are they valuable? Someone from the hotel would have had to send it registered or recorded or whatever?

That's awful OP.

If it were me I would put the pearls down in front of him when he gets home and say "Your debit card wasn't in your hotel room, but your wife's pearls were" and wait for his reaction.

Good Luck

Don't know why you need to start cracking into his phone.

Ask him, OP. You'll be able to see it on his face.

There is a possibility of a mistake, either the rooms were mixed up or a previous occupant left them there (maybe in the small basket with the toiletries) and they were not noticed between quick cleans.

If the hotel had said this about my dh I would have immediately said there must have been a mistake they aren't mine and that would have been the end of it as I trust him.

You obviously don't have that trust, which if you have a dh regularly staying away from home must be hard. A month down the line is probably too long ago to get more information from the hotel and regardless of whether a OW left them in the room, you have pinched another guests pearls, or maybe your dh likes a bit of dressing up, you just don't trust him and need to decide if you want to live your life always wondering. I wouldn't.

Yes! wear it tonight and watch his reaction!

In terms of me being suspicious because of our past, I tried very hard to work through the unhappiness caused by him being unfaithful when DS was born, he seemed genuinely contrite and didn't try to hide anything, he's certainly very 'genuine' to talk to if you know what I mean.

He does play quite a bit of tennis and goes to the gym a lot but this was a health kick after being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.

So I've never thought it was a cover or anything, I mean

I'd probably trying to get out of him what he got up to on his trip - if he ate out with colleagues etc, who the colleagues were and then simply ask who the Pearls belong to and ask why they were in his hotel bathroom.

I don't think you would necessarily see it in his face if you produce them OP so o wouldn't rely on that. Unless you never wear jewellery of any kind. My dh would be hard pressed to pick out any of my jewellery from a line-up, at a pinch my wedding ring as it's distinctive but anything else he would not be sure.

So he could just think you got yourself peatl necklace. Even if there was another woman he might not have registered her wearing it.

It could have been dropped by the person in the room before him and only found by the cleaner after his stay. Also, antique pearls are not... I don't know, that common for women today. Obviously there's no type who would cheat but they don't say "sexy encounter in hotel room with married man". I appreciate they look sexy on a hot young woman (as does anything) but would a hot young woman be choosing antique pearls??

On the other hand I think it's telling that the hotel haven't been chasing them up if they were a previous guests as they would have been looking for them and the connection would have been made to sending them to you/dh address. Sofitel would likely have been in touch again.

Even if it was another woman's, why wouldn't she be ringing up the hotel asking if they'd been found? surely even another woman would want her pearls back?!

It's puzzling, but not 100% clear cut.

How did you find out about the oats dalliances? Did he admit anything ur did you have to dig? Did he admit after you confronted him? Is he the type to admit anything?! I know men who would swear blind they were faithful even when confronted with irrefutable evidence, some will never admit anything ever.

I think people are clutching at straws for an explanation - left behind and missed in the cleaning and then not noticed by him?

Of course it could happen (unlikely though) and that is exactly what he'll play on. There's not certainty you'd get a confession from him.

As for wearing them or producing them... he honestly might not even remember what his affair was (or wasn't ) wearing a month ago.

It doesn't matter that the kiss and texting was years ago. What you know is that this man cheats.

Even if the pearls were innocent (and really - anyone really think that?) it's OK to think "he's cheated before and this is the legacy, I don't want to live like this".

You've caught him out twice already with the kiss and inappropriate messages. How likely is it the only times he has behaved like this, you've found out?

I'm really sorry to be so blunt, but I expect it's the tip of the iceberg.

You shouldn't have to do any digging, but honestly in your position (which I've been in, similar) I would do some phone checking and account digging first.

Simply because it is really fucking hard to end a marriage, and you are very likely going to get lies from him.

You may even get "that's where it went! I bought it for you as a present for holding the fort whilst I was away - I lost it and assumed the cleaner nicked it but didn't want to make trouble. Maybe she panicked I'd report it and put it back".

Then where are you? Look for evidence. But don't spend years of your life doing so (that's what I did wrong).

Good luck

He keeps financial papers locked away from you? My DH does all our (joint) finances, too, but I have absolute access to everything. Just as he has access to our tax returns (which I do).

I'd be in that room like a shot with a pry-bar.

OP, I know you feel that confronting him will blast your world apart. But he's already done that. All you're doing is trying to catch and hold all the pieces as they fly apart.

Go on you tube and hone your lock picking skills, then photo copy all financial paperwork you find and put it safe in a big envelope in the back of your wardrobe under the jumpers.

But surely his 'mistress' would have noticed she had mislaid her pearls and have warned him they may be in the hotel room.

Or she left them there on purpose hoping they would be found and blow their affair apart.

Don't sell the pearls by the way.. technically at this point you have stolen them.

You need more evidence, this is easily explainable.

Me too.

I'd want to be absolutely clear but I'd assume he was up to no good.

I'd be in that office and taking photo's or copies of everything.

It could be from a completely different room....someone once tried to give me back something that must have been found in a different room (after a joint holiday with DH...so no possibility of wool pulled).

I'd post copies to parents/trusted friend and also upload files to onedrive or similar.

It doesn't look great, I'll admit. Start getting your ducks in row.

on an entirely different chain of thought... Id LOVE to see the 'mistresses' face.. when she realises her precious pearl necklace has been posted back to the Wife of her married lover....

sorry OP... this must be gut wrenching.. but I agree with others.. you must get all your ducks in a row... your Husband has a tight control over every financial decision in your lives... break into the drawers whatever... but get the info you need x

He might have bought them as a present for you and be looking for his card because he thinks both were stolen?
I know these things are usually OW sadly, but this one isnt 100% to me.

FGS don't show him the necklace, borrow his phone or let him know in any way you know yet! You have to get into those drawers and copy the paperwork before he sees you are onto him. If you are going to separate you need to 100% know the financial situation.

Look for proof, if you feel you need it, after you have what you need.

It's shady as fuck that he keeps those drawers locked anyway, so don't feel bad about "snooping". It's your money too.

I'm not going to speculate on whether he's cheating of not, although his form isn't promising, but I'd like to discourage you from bottling this up. I found messages to an ex on my dps email years ago after having my first dc and was too anxious to confront it for literally years. It ate me up at times, but was nothing (on his side anyway). I wish I'd confronted it at the time and saved a lot of unnecessary worry. I had the advantage of years of dedication from my dp and no reason to distrust him, but was insecure after having dd, and knew this woman still had a massive thing for him.

I really just wanted you to know you're not alone sticking your head in the sand, but it doesn't make you feel better. If I'd had any further suspicions I would have said sooner rather than live a lie

First up, you have not stolen the pearls as a pp said as you have not appropriated them dishonestly with an intent to permanently deprive their owner of them. You appropriated them to find out wtf they were.

Two, there's no way that a previous hotel room user could have left them in the bathroom without the cleaner or your dh spotting them.

Three, there's no way the hotel would just hand over pearls to any old person. They know what room they were found in and they knotwhich reservation they're connected with and the home address associated with the booking. That's why they sent them to you. The only thing they dont know is that you are not the "wife" that stayed there. I know you don't want to believe it, but there's no innocent explanation here.

Four, you need to know what state your family finances are in immediately. If your husband is saying you are on austerity measures and has started an affair it's my guess that the finances are in a way worse state than he is letting on. Even if you don't separate, you need to know the financial health of the family. If you do separate, you need to know where you stand.

Five, he is unlikely to recognise a specific pearl necklace so I wouldn't faff around wearing it as a gotcha moment, either keep schtum whilst you work out your finances or have it put with him up front, but trying to provoke a reaction by wearing them is unlikely to gain you anything.

Six, find some real life support. If you split, you're going to need it.

Seven, good luck op, this must be awful for you.

Thank you everyone who's posted so far, and thanks Brahms for understanding my reluctance to rock the boat too. It sounds so stupid because I always thought if my husband had an affair I'd be really strong about it but even when I had proof he'd kissed his other woman it was hard for me to confront. We'd just had a baby, we were comfortable and if I left I'd be left poor with a newborn on my own. Things like that, it was easier to pretend we were okay again.

I found the earrings thread Stepping, god that poor woman :(