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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 14/08/2017 12:12

Please start another thread and keep posting - we are all on your side

SaneAsABoxOfFrogs · 14/08/2017 12:15

His life with you was so boring and mundane he needed to use escorts, but now he doesn't have that life he wants to come back??? Tough! You're better than that, a thousand times better. Stay strong.

ptumbi · 14/08/2017 12:56

If he's threatened suicide, take that seriously. - HOnestly? The only response to a suicide 'threat' is 'Really? That would be great, Thanks! Not only would I get your Life Insurance but Death In Service beneifit too - and there would be no Arsing Great Twat in my/our life from then on! Thanks!'
Call the Police/samaritans if you feel like it. Inform them if you want.

I can never understand a Suicide Threat - are you supposed to feel desperate? Sorry for them? Responsible? Nope; they are responsible for everything they do in this life, and remain so.

kaitlinktm · 14/08/2017 13:00

I can never understand a Suicide Threat - are you supposed to feel desperate? Sorry for them? Responsible? Nope; they are responsible for everything they do in this life, and remain so.

I don't understand it either - are they expecting someone to take them back just because they might commit suicide if they don't - no other reason? What sort of life would that be?

Bambamrubblesmum · 14/08/2017 13:09

A suicide threat would make me so angry I'm afraid any sympathy would be dead right then and there. It's the ultimate manipulation and pathetic. It shows how much the other person doesn't really give a shot about your emotional wellbeing, why would you want yo be with someone who has such little regard for you.

OP you are being wonderfully strong and a great role model for your children. Get yourself some Beyonce on and stay focused on the better life ahead.

ARagTree · 14/08/2017 14:16

Same here, somebody who threatens it to get their way and to make you forgive them, hmm, that's just self-pity and entitlement. I'd say ''I can't stop you if that's what you choose''

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2017 14:40

Good for putting on chains. That will at least keep him out when you are there.

I'd speak to the solicitor regarding his statement that he 'can't be kept out of his own house'. Based on this maybe you can get the locks changed as long as you agree that he can access the house if he needs to get belongings, etc.

If not, well, it's too bad if you happen to 'break your key' off in the front door lock and have to get that one replaced. But hey, it's OK, his key will still work in the back door. Oh say what? You went off and left that door on the chain and he can't get in when you're gone? Well, darn! And silly you, you keep forgetting to get him a new key cut!

DarthMaiden · 14/08/2017 15:31

The thing about the suicide threat is that it shows he is still in the same mindset.

You've made him unhappy by being a wife and mother. You've made him need his sordid outlet. You've discovered his secret and upset his mental heath.

At no point is he taking any responsibility for his actions - which were meticulously planned and hidden.

Given his duplicitous behaviour you can't have any trust in what he says about anything.

All you can do is deal with a lawyer and get the best possible outcome for you and your kids. That's what you put your trust in - yourself, your kids, your lawyer and the courts.

Mix56 · 14/08/2017 15:40

this thread is full, try starting No 2

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/08/2017 16:48

I don't understand the suicide threats either - but there are women out there who do stay with their abusive wanker partners rather than risk them killing themselves; whether out of guilt-avoidance, or to stop their children being devastated, I don't really know. But it does happen. I think it's all part of the conditioning from the abuser though.

Thing is, I would also respond with "off you go then, thanks for saving me a heap of hassle in the future with contact etc." because I don't take kindly to that sort of threat; but I haven't been conditioned properly, obviously. It must be very much harder to take that stand if you do believe and fear that they might just do it and you'd be left with the guilt and the heartbroken children.

I knew of ONE guy who carried out his threat but he had no children, just a girlfriend. I know of MANY who've threatened and never done it.

BorisTrumpsHair · 14/08/2017 16:54

I think the purpose of suicide threats are two-fold.
Firstly it's a desperate attempt to get you to "tow the line". And if that isn't successful, they get to play the pity card and they can (in their twisted minds at least) demonize their former partner, - "She didn't even care I was going to kill myself - see SHE never loved me"" etc etc etc blah blah blah - thereby putting the arsehole cheating X into a victim role, and feeding their righteousness for their dreadful behaviour.

All a pathetic attempt to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

Mix56 · 14/08/2017 17:17

I imagine the idea is take me back, so I get what I want or you will be responsible if i top myself.
but I won't it's just so I get my own way, but you are too stupid to know that

crazyhorses3 · 14/08/2017 18:55

Fool Me ... I take my hat off to you. You have found an inner strength and guts which we all admire. Stay strong and show him the contempt he deserves. Honestly, the more I hear the more disgusted i am. He is utterly beneath contempt. Thank god you found out and got out before he wasted any more of your life. We are all rooting for you. xx

Goodasgoldilox · 14/08/2017 19:59

Your children are lucky to have a mother who can put them first in the middle of all this.

Well-done OP - you are so much more than a match for the manipulating man you thought of as husband.

We are rooting for your success and the new and happier life you deserve.

Amaried · 14/08/2017 22:37

Wow op. I've just read your thread in total and am in awe of how strong you are.
You have done everything with more dignity than that weasel deserves . I'm so angry for you when I read about you pleading for A few quid to treat your kids to a day out while he is spending hundred banking hookers in posh hotels... what an undeserving toe rag.. stay strong, you and the kids will come through this, stronger and happier than you have been.. I promise.

ProphetOfDoom · 14/08/2017 23:28

He's trying to make you responsible for this utter mess by making himself look helpless/not in control of his own actions. As if somehow he wasn't the person who calculated lied, booked the rooms and the prostitutes, violated his marriage vows to you, endangered your health risking STIs & kept his family - the ones he's meant to love best - short of money. No, that wasn't him at all

It's a way of saying it's your fault. Rather than owning their behaviour and the natural repercussions of it. He could at least own what he's done and promise to make this as least painful as possible for you. But oh no. My unfaithful exH threatened suicide, sometimes it was in front of the dcs. It was done in such a calculated, histrionic but awful way. It was both distressing but risible. TBH it got to the point where I thought do/don't, I don't care, just piss off. The only person who I know who did commit suicide over a relationship breakdown did so with no prior warning at all and it was a terrible shock, whereas I'm pretty sure my exH got some pleasure out of the drama of it all.

All I can advise is get the divorce processed through the solicitor asap. I didn't. I stupidly felt sorry for my exH abs his mental distress and delayed and that was a huge mistake.

Hissy · 15/08/2017 06:11

The sitting you down to tell you the truth ploy? That old trick?

Trust me, this is not even the half of it.

I'd lead the fucker into believing he has a shot at coming home, but on,y if he made all the financial accounts information fully available to you, immediately. Then I'd give that info to my solicitor and get him to look at it in fine detail with a view to a proper and fair settlement

Alfiemoon1 · 15/08/2017 10:09

Op please start a new thread as this is getting full and continue to get support on here u are doing amazing

NanooCov · 16/08/2017 21:34

What a staggering fuckwit he is. Well done for refusing to be drawn in by him. You're doing amazingly well.

Garlicansapphire · 17/08/2017 00:08

Dearest OP - too late and tired to send you proper support but i just wanted to reach out and send my sincerest love and care to you. I've just read this thread tonight and I'm horrified by this terrible man and your awful discoveries.

You are a million times better than this worthless piece of shit and he should be on his knees saying sorry to you for being the cheapest, sleaziest unworthy human being. You will be way way better off without him in your life. Trust me.

But right now you are in shock and grief and disbelief. It must be awful and it will continue to be very hard. You have been kicked in the teeth. But please hold true to yourself and know that one day, when he's out of your hair and messing with your life, one day you will wake up and it wont be the first thing that you think of, that punches you in the face and makes you feel sick. One day you will wake up and there will just be the light and the sun and some breakfast to make and some things to do and he will no longer be the hurt, and pain and shadow over your life that he is now.

But in the meantime, please, please be kind to yourself in any small ways you can. You are worth a million times more than him and you must take the path to find your freedom. One tiny step at a time. Heartfelt sympathy and support. You will survive.

Original poster

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 18/08/2017 16:32

We've sat with the children and had the 'mummy and daddy aren't living together anymore' talk DS was in bits and still is, is very aggressive and tantrumy, DD is completely fine, for now.

He has agreed to move out and get his own place and relationship with mum is better again now we've moved out and back into the home and she's having them at hers twice a week to give me some me time but I worry she won't be able to cope with DSs temper. It feels so weird being here without him but it is clearly sinking in that we are getting divorced and I am not backing down and he seems to want it over as quickly and quietly as possible now! I go from a kind of hysterical feeling of freedom to wanting to run back to him so many times a day. I just feel lost.

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 18/08/2017 16:37

Well done for having the talk. You've done the most difficult thing, now give yourself time to get over this hideous experience that he has inflicted on you.

Things will honestly get so much better; be gentle with yourself.

mickyblueyes · 18/08/2017 16:47

You need to setup a new thread...

Brenna24 · 18/08/2017 17:02

Well done. Your son will get over it, he just needs some time and all that love you are clearly giving to get it out his system. You are a brave and dignified woman and you deserve so much better than this.

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