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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Icewindfire98 · 27/07/2017 23:34

You need to borrow his car - at short notice so his gym bag can't be taken out. Again - that's suspicious in itself - why kept there? Most people's gym kit gets used and then smelly so gets brought in to be washed asap

Icewindfire98 · 27/07/2017 23:37

You need to nip to shops but you can't find your car keys - no time to look as shop is about to close/you've got to get back for x. Can you just drive his?

PearlyPinkNails · 27/07/2017 23:38

Pearls?

In the post? Whatever next.

Shankarankalina · 27/07/2017 23:38

No, to previous posters, the hotel stuff rings true. Once it is returned (yes, posted in bubble wrap or a Jiffy bag sounds right), it will be taken of the log.

though in my hotel we would have charged the postage to the credit card on file, so be mindful of this appearing on a statement

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 23:40

He does wash his kit ice just does it himself, said he doesn't like me having to go through smelly gym kit! Usually he'll get it done on the weekend when I'm doing something with the children or midweek, he does do things around the house so it's not weird.

OP posts:
Sadandscared77 · 27/07/2017 23:42

The gym kit in his car is weird. Why wash it when you arent there? That rings alarm bells to me

SoPassRemarkable · 27/07/2017 23:43

Isn't keeping his gym bag in the car odd?

I go to the gym most days, my bag comes in the house with me as it's full of stinky clothes which need washing and then clean clothes put in. Why does he keep his in the car? Mine stays in the hall ready to be picked up in the morning. Does he carry his clothes into the house in his arms?

SoPassRemarkable · 27/07/2017 23:44

X post.

Gym kit washing also sounds odd. Does he wash his other clothes? If not why is it ok for you to wash his pants but not his gym clothes? Is it because his gym clothes aren't very smelly or sweaty?

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 23:45

He doesn't go every day and if he does it's straight from work so he has it handy in the car. As far as I know he brings his bag in but our routine is he gives me a break from house stuff for a few hours while I take the children for a run around in the park

OP posts:
Shankarankalina · 27/07/2017 23:48

Op, what are you going to do? You can't live your life seeking out opportunities to sniff his sport socks. And you can't live a life in suspension with a string of anonymous pearls hidden in your house.

SoPassRemarkable · 27/07/2017 23:48

Well I go straight from work so yes gym bag goes to the car in the morning but it's brought in the house in the evening and stays in the house until the following morning. Why would I bring it in and then empty it and take it back out to the car? Doesn't make sense to me. You need to look through it.

Icewindfire98 · 27/07/2017 23:49

So the days he's been he should be bringing his dirty kit/bag in to be washed - men sweat - a lot. It would stink to high heaven left there until the weekend.
I fear the gym may be one of his excuses op

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 23:49

oh god shank I just read your previous, I didn't even think of that I just had to sign for them, now it will be on his statement!

OP posts:
Icewindfire98 · 27/07/2017 23:51

Wait until he's asleep and then get his car keys and go investigating - seriously just do it tonight rather than torture yourself wondering and doubting everything

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 23:55

I have to go, I'm not usually awake at this hour and the last thing I need is HIM getting suspicious. He's already grumped at me for being up so late. Thanks to everyone.

OP posts:
Flowersandfootballs · 27/07/2017 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaircatMiaow · 28/07/2017 00:01

Screw the pearls and screw looking for "proof". Your priority needs to be getting access to those financial documents and making copies.

Whether he has cheated or not, it is completely unacceptable that these are hidden from you. There is not an equal balance of power in this relationship and that would worry me hugely.

janaus · 28/07/2017 01:56

Wear the pearls, thank him for the lovely present.

ladybird69 · 28/07/2017 02:22

Are they real pearls? Real pearls =affair, fake pearls=escort. Some men don't think they count on that as cheating! Also would add in with the missing credit card he could have had it lifted by the call girl! Either way this is shit, he's a shit you and your little ones deserve better. I had similar story but too long for now. Just get into the locked drawers get your evidence together and then let him have it, he's taking you for a mug. Get angry and proactive Grrrrrrrr don't be like me who was still looking for excuses when it was right in front of my eyes. Actions over words. Dirty play away, devoted wife and mother stuck at home. Best of luck Op

JustMumNowNotMe · 28/07/2017 05:34

I'd go to the car when he's asleep and have a good look in all the nooks and crannies and the gym bag. I'd also hide a VAR in there but then I'm very untrusting these days Sad

Paperdoll16 · 28/07/2017 07:22

Grumped at you for being up so late?

Sounds very controlling.
Even the 'giving you a break from the house with the kids!!' How very considerate of him.

Was he waiting up in bed for you or does he usually stay up later than you?

Icewindfire98 · 28/07/2017 07:35

Yes I thought he was waiting for her to go to bed so he can stay up later too - to do what?!

Oh op you sound lovely - take your time but you need to wake up

SandyY2K · 28/07/2017 07:35

Grumped at you for being up so late?

Has he set you a bedtime or something.

That's suspicious in itself. He probably waits for you to sleep before contacting the OW.

I can't think why else you staying up late is a problem for him.

Unless he's expecting or hoping for sex and wants you in bed.

Does he go to bed before you?

SandyY2K · 28/07/2017 07:48

Those telling the OP to wear the necklace.... No. Men aren't usually that observant. My DH doesn't know what all my jewellery looks like, unless he bought it for me.

Absolute nonsense to call the hotel back as well. It's over a month and hundreds of guests have been there in that time.

He would simply say that the hotel have made an error if confronted. If he gets statements by post, I suggest you intercept them and look for anything untoward on them.

I would really encourage you to seek counselling. You can find some low cost counselling services that don't cost the earth.

With time, you'll find the strength and will learn to trust yourself to make decisions for your future.

Ellisandra · 28/07/2017 07:51

ladybird69
"Fake pearls = prostitute" ?
Why are you writing this absolute nonsense?!!!!
I am certainly not naïve about husbands using prostitutes, given that I divorced mine for just that.
But I was the wife at home with fake pearls.