It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

How are you doing today OP?

Just to let you know Foolme that I'mstill thinking of you every day and really hope you & DC are getting through this as best you can

Same here. Thinking of you. Xxx

Been following this. Please stay strong OP. No matter how bad it is now it will only be worse if you allow him to do it again. Speaking from experience here. Wish I was as strong as you are now.

I'm so sad for you OP xx

Sorry if it's been mentioned before but I wonder if it might be possible for you to use the messages you've posted on this thread as a record of events/ diary in any legal proceedings because the messages are time and date stamped?

How you doing lass? xx

Hi everyone.

The truth is out, it was escorts. Pearl necklace girl wasn't even the most recent, and yes he signed her into that hotel as me. Spoke with my solicitor last week and he says they will 'wipe the floor' with him especially with the withholding of finances from the children, he (ex) sat me down on Friday and said he needed to tell me everything (I dont know if he was advised to maybe?). He was so stressed at work and with his unhappy marriage (with his clockwork wife!!) that apparently he needed his secret prostitute bank account and little sex trophies to give himself a boost.

He has stopped threatening to take the children or saying anything about my mental state, but is now crying about wanting to come home. I told him he would have to make a new home elsewhere unless he wanted to put his children on the streets as well as I was not living with him anymore and didn't see why his children should suffer being tossed out of their family home because of his wandering dick, I don't know if I should have said that but I was so angry, especially at his comments about not wanting to see DD, he now says it was because he was too ashamed to see his daughter (but he was ok with seeing his son?). He got angry then and said he couldn't be kept out of his own house, then he just alternated between anger and tears. Apparently I am passionless and predictable and he felt he was missing out on so much of the excitement of life being chained to family life with me.

I don't know what t think anymore, I just can't stand having him anywhere near me. I have fitted chains on the doors but not changed the locks.

Give me strength Lord.

I've been wondering how you were getting on (haven't RTFT)

Sorry this is happening to you and hope you find peace very soon.

Sounds like you're doing all the right things.

I'm so sorry op

You will get though it, it takes a long time to heal after a betrayal like this but you do

Please don't take the blame for any of this, he has a problem, you don't

If you can, then go for counseling on your own, its very hard after something like to to establish what your reality has been

Well you're not so predictable now right? Good for you. Keep strong. Focus now on building a life for you and your DCs.

He's the predictable one. What a bastard!

Oh Foolme my heart goes out to you

Why do they always blame us rather than looking in the mirror and seeing how selfish, weak and fucking entitled they are?

Right on to practical matters that you really won't want to read. You need to book a smear test and STI test for you. This is one of the utter horrors of having a cheating husband. Condoms don't stop the spread of HPV some strains of which cause cervical cancer so don't dodge this. And get an annual follow up. If I were you I'd try and find a sexual health clinic rather than use the GP because you'll need to mention the escorts thing as this will move you into a higher risk category and they'll do all the right checks. I'm sorry you have to read this but it needs to be done. I hope you're raging with anger as this will help to get you through this awful phase.

You should be so proud of how you are holding things together for your children

You are amazing. Really well done.

I am furious on your behalf! Boring and predictable my arse! That is just an excuse and well he knows it. He did it because he wanted to. I hope he enjoys his new, less predictable life. Which will not involve escorts as he will be supporting himself on top of looking after you and your kids properly!

You are doing amazingly well. Do not take a word of his ego driven bs onboard. These are his issues, NOT yours.

OP - please don't let him wheedle his way back in; he is now casting about for somewhere to lay the blame (stress at work, you not being 'good enough' in bed , midlife crisis, God knows what else he can blame to avoid blaming HIMSELF).

Don't fall for it. He did it because he could, he wanted to, he was 'entitled to' as the Head of the Household, because he has NO respect for you (as mother of his children, as his wife, as his equal) and he took money from his Kids to fund it.

He is an arse, and you are better off without him.

Your not predictable anymore..
Stay strong!

He's following the cycle that they all do. Deny, minimise, blame, tears, anger.

The only thing he hasn't done yet is threaten to take his own life so be prepared for that one when it comes and offer to call the police for him.

Now he will just keep on and on at you to try and grind you down. If he promises to do anything, ask him for one thing. Ask him to give you time and space. That means staying away from you and not contacting you.

I doubt he will agree. Because this still isn't about what best for you, it's all about what he wants.

Press on with the divorce. Remember, you can stop it any time you like but, really, are you ever going to change your mind and want him in your life again? How could you ever bear to touch him. It would be horrendous to accept all that he has done to you and your children.

Passionless and predictable? You provided a stable environment for your children! Imagine your children learnt from their fathers doings rather than yours!

He's disgusting

You are remarkable. What a complete idiot he is . Stay strong lovely xx

Fairenuff - He's done that already:
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice Tue 08-Aug-17 23:36:36
...
After telling him he would hear about contact with the children from my solicitor he went off his canister, started ringing my mums house over and over yesterday until she threatened him with the police again. Told me loads of conflicting things, he veered from telling me he would commit suicide to telling me he just wanted DS and I 'could keep' DD...

Foolme - I'm glad you have the truth but he's got rocks in his head if he thinks you're going to forgive him or "get past" any of this and get back with him. You're doing so very amazingly well, and you can carry on. He has no value for you at all, nor love - he just sees you as his robot, and that's so far from what you truly are.

Do kick him properly into touch and free yourself up to find someone who values you properly as a woman, if you can be bothered (I know I wouldn't if I had to, but then I'm 50 now and totally over the whole idea of trying to live with another bloke!)

Best of luck lovely - he's shown a side of his true personality, but don't take it as him being completely honest with you, there will be more he's still hiding to his own benefit.

- and KOKO.

Oh whoops, I missed that. But there you go OP, it's all part of the pantomime designed to make you do what he wants again. To put you back in your box where you belong and him back in charge.

Don't let him do that to you. You are free now, don't go back x

Just read your latest update, OP.

What a self-centered, irresponsible, gaslighting piece of pond weed he is.

Make no mistake that the tears are all for him being caught and nothing else (if he really was sorry, and he'd have given himself a good shake and straightened himself out way before it ever got to this if he was, he wouldn't be alternating between tears and anger and the emotional blackmail he's using)

He puts weasels to shame.

Good on you for standing your ground.

Despite the sadness of this thread I did have to laugh at Fairenuff's prediction of suicide threats only to find he's already stooped to that level.

There he is thinking he's deserving of excitement and a life free from chains but truth is he's a sad predictable cliche ...

So sorry to read your latest update op. hes the predictable one suicide threats taking the kids then the tears and apologies.
You are doing amazing stay strong op u are worth so much more than being with someone like him.