Would you be bothered by this - DH travelling with female colleague and not telling me

[manechanger101]

DH travels quite frequently for work and is often in a different place every day of the week so we don't generally discuss where he is in any great detail - it will just be 'x today, Y tomorrow' etc. Recently he's started a new project which involves a flight to get to and last week he went there for two days. He told me that the two guys he'd previously travelled there with were already out there so I assumed he was going alone although he never actually said he was/I didn't ask.

He phoned when away as normal but he didn’t talk much about the trip when he came home. Few days later I found a pair of woman’s shoes in his car. Asked him about them he said 'oh they're Chloe’s from the other day', apparently when he went away she had gone with him. She works on the project too, I've heard of her before but had no idea he was travelling with her. She'd parked near the house and he'd driven her to the airport, they flew together, stayed in the same hotel, went for dinner with the others etc..

He says he doesn't understand why I'm annoyed, that he didn't think he needed to mention it and it's no different to when he travels with one of the guys, I'm just concerned cause it seems like he purposely didn't mention it.

There’s a few other things that bother me about this woman, like the fact that I’ve seen lots of messages from her in his email but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be bothered about the trip

My dh quite often goes away for a couple of days for work. He usually goes with collages, and as most of his colleagues are female I assume he mostly goes with a female. But he doesn't tell me who he's going with unless I ask. It's not an issue unless you have other reasons to be suspicious.

That wouldn't bother me, he's behaving just as though she was a male colleague. For comparison, we have a flat in another city that my H works in regularly. There are three bedrooms so the flat is often used to accommodate H's employees who are working in that city temporarily, H never bothers to tell me when or if there is someone staying there unless I'm planning to use the flat (very rarely). Inevitably there are times when he is staying in the flat at the same time as a female colleague and the only time that it has bothered me was when he took the DC with him once and left them in the flat with the woman who happened to be staying there because she really wasn't a 'child' person.

He mentioned the men though, didn't he? Seems odd to me.

I'm with your husband on this I can't see the problem. She's just a colleague going on the same business trip. I'd say you're overreacting

It wouldn't bother me but I work closely with a male colleague and dh often works with women.

Had he given you any other reason to suspect anything dodgy is going on?

If you have grounds to suspect something based on previous behaviour then maybe I could understand you being a little suspicious. If theres none then YABU. Women can work with men without actually having an affair with them. If he works with her frequently then why on earth would he mention it to you?

I'm often shocked at the number of people who don't believe a man can work or be friends with a woman without something suspicious going on. DH cannot tell me about his work at all. I can't go asking who he's working with or where. Funnily enough around half his colleagues are female. Imagine the state I would be in if I were the suspicious or jealous type

If he usually tells you before or after the trip that he's travelling with Mark or Steve and he's giving them a lift to the airport, but didn't say a word about Chloe then it's a little suspicious I suppose. If he rarely tells you who he's travelling with anyway, then no big deal.

Presumably he can't pick and choose which work colleagues he has to go away with, so if he'd told you beforehand and you'd told him you didn't like the idea of him travelling with Chloe, he can't exactly tell work he won't go because his wife doesn't like him spending time with female colleagues, can he?

Do you have any other reason to think he might be behaving suspiciously? A history of not telling you about female friends? Secretive with his phone? Or is this an isolated event?

If he did mention the male colleagues but not Chloe then is it possible he already knows how you might react? I have to admit, if I had an OH who I knew would make a fuss or a big deal out of me having to go on a work trip with a male colleague, I'd probably keep quiet about it too just to avoid having to defend myself and explain a complete non-event.

There isn't anything major that I can really put my finger on, just that he used to mention her quite a lot when she was new and then didn't mention her at all about this trip.

He doesn't make a point of always telling me about others but he'll normally say something before or after about them having been there.

My DH travels with both make and female colleagues and I wouldn't think anything of it.

I can't quite imagine a scenario where I'd leave my shoes in a colleague's car though.

Yep, in that specific situation I'd be concerned. DH travels a great deal for work and works with women. I don't see it as a big deal; either we have trust or we don't. But if he'd deliberately not mentioned someone he'd travelled closely with it'd raise suspicion.

Leaving her shoes in his car is weird. Why would she do that? And if she really had to leave them behind then why couldn't she leave them in her own car, or at the very least why wouldn't she take them back again when they got back from their trip?

Maybe she drives in 1 pair of shoes and swaps before heading into the office and she swapped shoes when OPs husband gave her a lift in his car It's really not suspicious unless you are looking for something to read into it.

Ah, if there has been mentionitis and then a sudden lack of mentioning then that is more suspicious than travelling with her and not mentioning it.

Why did they more meet close to house and she jumped in his car?

Where did she park?

This is suspicious to me.

From exactly what you have said, with these specific details my hackles would be raised too

Ignore all the generalised "I work with both sexes and it's not an issue" comments

In this situation my radar would be going off a bit.

Mentionitis, lots of emails, a convoluted journey to the airport together, shoes left in his car.

Nah, something is off here.

Yep, I'd be suspicious with that too. (And I work with lots of blokes, dh works with lots of women etc - but this one is off a bit!)

He said they were apparently the shoes she wore for driving and had to change them in the car on the way as she was late.

We don't have a drive so it's not really unusual that she parked down the road and I wouldn't have known her car was out there

It's not the shoes for me

It's the rest of it. The careful lack of mention. The breeziness when you do. The overly complex pick up to endure you knew nothing of it. You still wouldn't if she didn't forget her shoes. But most of all...your gut feeling if you are normally a reasonable type.

*ensure

It seems he didn't mention that she would be parking near your house. Did he mean in your street? Even if innocent it could have been open to misinterpretation by nosey neighbours.

Mentionitus....that is a huge red flag. I would snoop if I were you.

I'd listen to your gut. If she parked
close to your house why didn't she come and knock for your dh? I'd find that a bit suspicious tbh.