Would you be bothered by this - DH travelling with female colleague and not telling me

[manechanger101]

DH travels quite frequently for work and is often in a different place every day of the week so we don't generally discuss where he is in any great detail - it will just be 'x today, Y tomorrow' etc. Recently he's started a new project which involves a flight to get to and last week he went there for two days. He told me that the two guys he'd previously travelled there with were already out there so I assumed he was going alone although he never actually said he was/I didn't ask.

He phoned when away as normal but he didn’t talk much about the trip when he came home. Few days later I found a pair of woman’s shoes in his car. Asked him about them he said 'oh they're Chloe’s from the other day', apparently when he went away she had gone with him. She works on the project too, I've heard of her before but had no idea he was travelling with her. She'd parked near the house and he'd driven her to the airport, they flew together, stayed in the same hotel, went for dinner with the others etc..

He says he doesn't understand why I'm annoyed, that he didn't think he needed to mention it and it's no different to when he travels with one of the guys, I'm just concerned cause it seems like he purposely didn't mention it.

There’s a few other things that bother me about this woman, like the fact that I’ve seen lots of messages from her in his email but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be bothered about the trip

Nothing's happened yet, but they're flirting/certainly fancy each other. Hence why he's lied not mentioned her in a while or the fact he travelled with her.
From what I've read so far anywho.

I've given good advice

It all depends how old those emails are.

If this flirting stage has been going on for a long time, then things may have progressed since then.

The trip - the whole sharing a plane journey, staying at the same hotel, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner together, may have been the point at which this 'friendly/flirty 'friendship' tipped into the next level.

They clearly enjoy each others company, but it's a jump to say an emotional affair.

Students at work have asked if me and a male colleague are good mates because we're always together. We are good mates. We send messages similar to the ones the OP found. Absolutely zero interest on either side it's just good banter.

Don't get me wrong, it could develop into one but I think people are often far too quick to take any banter between the opposite sex to be a massive red flag.

I'd be worried about the comment from Mike. People don't ask that based on nothing. Unless Mike doesn't know your DH well, it is odd that he doesn't know he is is married.

When they were away there aren’t any emails but there’s a text early on the morning they came back with him asking her if she is going to breakfast so that must mean they weren’t together at least?

That could be good news.

in one this week he told her that ‘Mike’ had asked him if there was something going on between them and she’d just replied that Mike was an idiot.

For me this is unsettling. Either it is true and Mike did say this. Which means other people have noticed their behaviour is beyond professional. If so, I think it is odd that DH repeated this to "Chloe" - why do that?

Or, Mike said nothing of the sort and DH is fishing.

Either way it sounds like DH is the smitten one. From what you have said, possibly your DH has a bit of a crush on this poor woman who is junior to him and probably trying to fend him off whilst keeping her job.

I'm really sorry to say that they sound like they're on the brink of crossing a very big line.

I would have a very serious chat with your husband. Hopefully it will make him see sense and back off before anything unforgivable happens.

Sounds fishy. Why nkt talk to him about it?

I would read those messages as the bloke being keener than the woman too

I'm with Team Mike

I work away with both sexes too.

What you've said here would be setting off alarm bells to me. If a line hasn't been crossed yet it might be about to be crossed.

Where is this supposed flirtation? Dear God some of you are the worst ,hoping to catch men out at every opportunity and stocking flames.

OP has gone through his phone came up with nothing and yet she should keep an eye on it? Yes further snooping and invasion of his privacy is the way forward.

I suppose he should act stiff and robotic towards her because there is an issue with his "tone". Laughable.

im not really sure what you can do about it other than warn him of the possible consequences

They're work friends. I wouldn't find those emails suspicious at all. Men and women can be friends and be jokey with each other about all kinds of things. I have a male friend at work who people joke is 'my boyfriend' because we spend a lot of time together and we joke about that as well. He's married. There is absolutely nothing 'going on' between us and never will be, we are just good friends who have a bit of fun together at work.

Is there any chance that your DH has picked up on the fact that you get suspicious if he has friendships with women and didn't tell you because he didn't want you getting upset/paranoid/interfering with his work?

Agree with some of the PP that I wouldn't automatically assume the worst based of what you've seen/know.

I often have to travel with colleagues. The very nature of travelling with work means that we tend to live in each other's pockets a bit when we're in another country. There'll often be late night/early morning texts organising a drink in the bar when jetlag hits or breakfast of a morning and along the way there'll be a fair bit of banter and the odd inside joke...it helps keep us sane when we're away from the comforts of home. None of this means we're up to no good behind our partners backs.

Also for those saying there's no smoke without fire where Mike's concerned, I'm afraid I've been one of those that's had a professional relationship question (colleague in question is like a little brother to me). Turned out the rumour mill was turning because we'd popped out to get lunch together a couple of times and had been seen in deep conversation...funny that when we were both working on the same high pressure project!

I think as pp's have mentioned it's the not mentioning her, he mentioned male colleague 1 and 2 would already be there. Didn't mention female colleague was travelling with him. That's the bit I'd be about.

This would bother me. My DP travels a lot and occasionally it is just him and a female colleague, but he will make sure to mention her so it doesn't come as a surprise, and he calls/texts me a lot to let me know he's thinking of me to put my mind at rest.

He talks a lot about work, who he's with, who said what, who ate what for dinner, so if it turned out a woman was there who he hadn't mentioned it would be odd.

You know your DH best and I'm sure you are picking up on subtle things that you can't convey on here. Whether that is anything concrete or just a hint that he does fancy her and is worried to talk about her in case he gives himself away, none of us will know.

At least two of DP's colleagues have played away that I know of, so it is a worry when he is surrounded by this attitude. I know not EVERYONE cheats when they're away on business so it must be annoying for those posters who are purely professional with their colleagues, but you can't pretend it doesn't happen.

OP I think you need to ignore some of the negative comments, there appears to be a lot of women on this site that are purely interested in creating drama!

why not ask your DH why he didn't mention chloe?

I've had colleagues wives make accusations and threatening phone calls to me before, purely because they don't like the thought of their husbands being away on a business trip with a woman they don't know. it's insecurity from the woman's side and highly embarrassing from the men's side. honestly I really don't know why women are too scared to confront / ask / communicate etc with their husbands / partners / boyfriends!

there are a lot of strangers on here that could be filling your head with terrible thoughts, it's really not healthy!

please try not to confuse friendly banter with flirting! I've had a lot of banter with male colleagues and have also responded with things like "you'd miss me if i weren't here" or "you know you love me really". it's not flirting... it's harmless banter and my fiancé has access to my phone, emails etc, I hide nothing from him and will often tell my fiancé this banter! it's part of what gets me through working away for months / years at a time

All these women on here who are constantly accused of affairs at work.

It sounds like a really unprofessional working environment.

Are you all working behind the bar at the Queen Vic?

"They're work friends. I wouldn't find those emails suspicious at all. Men and women can be friends and be jokey with each other about all kinds of things. I have a male friend at work who people joke is 'my boyfriend' because we spend a lot of time together and we joke about that as well. He's married. There is absolutely nothing 'going on' between us and never will be, we are just good friends who have a bit of fun together at work."

There are 2 people like this in our office: sorry, but in their case at least it comes across as desperately insecure and seedy and I think it does cross a boundary.

I also don't think his wife would for one second be happy with the way they act together as "a bit of fun at work". I wonder if your "boyfriend"'s wife would be?

Popchyck
Or the sad reality that some people still can't get their head around the idea that men and women can exchange friendly banter without having an affair.

The mentionitis before and the non mention now, yes that would bother me.

Escaping - the difference between your normal behaviour, and this, is that you "will often tell my fiancé this banter". I also used to work away a lot, primarily with male colleagues. And they were only colleagues on both sides. I likewise used to tell exDH - passed the time.

His emotional affair, which became a real sexual affair, was secret. It was the snooping that confirmed my suspicions. It was actually a relief after several months of unease to know the truth. It's why I always tell people to snoop. Better the truth than unease, distrust - that is so stressful. I am not a jealous type - he had always had good relations with female colleagues. I never minded.