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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you be bothered by this - DH travelling with female colleague and not telling me

254 replies

manechanger101 · 15/07/2017 14:31

DH travels quite frequently for work and is often in a different place every day of the week so we don't generally discuss where he is in any great detail - it will just be 'x today, Y tomorrow' etc. Recently he's started a new project which involves a flight to get to and last week he went there for two days. He told me that the two guys he'd previously travelled there with were already out there so I assumed he was going alone although he never actually said he was/I didn't ask.

He phoned when away as normal but he didn’t talk much about the trip when he came home. Few days later I found a pair of woman’s shoes in his car. Asked him about them he said 'oh they're Chloe’s from the other day', apparently when he went away she had gone with him. She works on the project too, I've heard of her before but had no idea he was travelling with her. She'd parked near the house and he'd driven her to the airport, they flew together, stayed in the same hotel, went for dinner with the others etc..

He says he doesn't understand why I'm annoyed, that he didn't think he needed to mention it and it's no different to when he travels with one of the guys, I'm just concerned cause it seems like he purposely didn't mention it.

There’s a few other things that bother me about this woman, like the fact that I’ve seen lots of messages from her in his email but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be bothered about the trip

OP posts:
LittleBooInABox · 24/07/2017 07:30

Op my apologise, I read the first half. Didn't see the update. Get screenshots, if text her and tell her you know, get her side to.

BarchesterFlowers · 24/07/2017 07:31

Oh yes, and colleagues did notice/suspect something was going on which I found horrifying, just added to the stress of it all for me whiles I suspect he thought it a pat on the back.

You are unlikely to text " F off you creep to your boss " IME. Well, I would now, without hesitation but not back then.

jeaux90 · 24/07/2017 07:35

Your DH sounds like a complete creep and potentially put his work colleague in an awful position.

Cary2012 · 24/07/2017 07:54

This would signal the end of things for me OP.
Whether he has cheated with Chloe or whether she's knocked him back would be irrelevant: he wants to cheat, and would if he could. That would finish it.

I think you should quietly get your ducks in a row, focus on exactly what you want and nothing else.

I'm sorry this has happened, when similar happened to me it was like being punched in the guts.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 24/07/2017 07:58

Messages every day, phone calls up to an hour? They're in a relationship....I'm sorry op.

Your intuition was right.

LoveDeathPrizes · 24/07/2017 09:31

Maybe they are. I mean, what do they talk about for that long? I do think that given how ubiquitous messaging is these days that phone calls have taken on a new intimacy.

hasitcometothis33 · 24/07/2017 09:34

The relationship has broken down. That must be devastating for the op. There really is little value on snooping on your partner and harassing his colleague. You're young, you seem intelligent and caring. End the relationship and begin to move on.

caringcarer · 24/07/2017 10:30

I mentioned the text to my DH and he said it is blatantly obvious he wants to get into her knickers if he hasn't already and if she is also initiating text then she is happy to have him there. Try to put back money and get ducks in a row. Have you got kids, a job or SAHM? You will need legal advice on what your position is likely to be if you split BEFORE you confront him. He has betrayed your trust and I would find it impossible to forgive that. I Divorced my first DH when I found evidence of him cheating on me. I went on a short break with kids, to let it sink in, put money aside, then got legal advice and considered this for a week before serving divorce. I did not even let him try to wriggle out of it or speak to him directly, because it hurt too much and I knew I might cave in and let him stay. I handed everything over to solicitor to sort out and only met up in court. I had to do it that way as knew he could get around me if I was with him in person. You will go on to find a nicer and more trustworthy partner. Just don't put up with this crap as it will make you feel shit. I also got divorce first and sorted out finances after as could not stand being married to him after he cheated on me. Most people do it other way around and sort finances first before divorce.

GeekyWombat · 24/07/2017 18:29

Just seen your updates OP. I'm so sorry to hear how things have turned out. "What a waste"? Yeah that would perturb me too.

I hope you're doing ok.

Flowers
foxyloxy78 · 24/07/2017 18:47

They are having an emotional affair if not a physical one, but just give that time and your husband would jump at the chance. What are you going to do OP?

manechanger101 · 24/07/2017 19:45

No DC's (although we are TTC) and I work full time

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 24/07/2017 19:47

I'd advise holding off ttc until you get to the bottom of this Sad

manechanger101 · 25/07/2017 19:02

I couldn't help but tell him I'd seen the messages this morning which wasn't a good time as we had to leave for work but he was lying about something minor and I snapped.

He completely denied that there is anything going on other than 'banter', says the rumours about them aren't true (apparently more than Mike think this) and that it was just flirting that 'maybe went a bit far' but he swears he would never do anything.

Really don't know what to believe

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/07/2017 19:11

it was just flirting that 'maybe went a bit far' but he swears he would never do anything.

That word maybewould piss me off. He's minimising.

I would be making him aware I'm not so sure of TTC, with his current behaviour TBH.

I think there's little doubt if he Chloe went on the trip he was trying to convince her to, and she was game, they would have had sex.

Showing her the bed made his intentions clear.

If you did what he did he did to a male colleague, there's no way he'd accept that as an innocent flirtatious.

SandyY2K · 25/07/2017 19:19

Really don't know what to believe

Of course he'd say he would never do anything. He would hardly admit he wants to sleep with her.

He has to downplay it, but if nothing it's so unprofessional and could get him into trouble.

You don't want to believe it, but I think you know what the score is... And if he's her second line manager and people are talking, then he needs to have the good sense to reign it in.

CremeFresh · 25/07/2017 19:19

He's certainly following the script I'm afraid. I wouldn't believe him.

AnyFucker · 25/07/2017 19:24

Of course you know what to believe

You just don't want to

This guy is sniffing around other women. You have seen evidence with your own eyes. What more do you need....to catch him balls-deep ?

UnicornSparkles1 · 25/07/2017 19:39

It's gone a bit beyond the acceptable boundaries of banter. No maybe about it.

Guccibelt · 25/07/2017 19:42

Is she married herself op?

jeaux90 · 25/07/2017 19:49

That message about the bed goes really beyond banter OP. And I'm a women in a male dominated industry. Seriously never ever has anything like that been sent to me. Not banter. Nope. Not.

CremeFresh · 25/07/2017 19:54

I don't see how saying what he said about the bed and it being a 'waste' is banter.

SandyY2K · 25/07/2017 20:36

Look at this and see if you can convince yourself it's innocent banter. I know it's a hard pill to swallow.... But really

there are messages every day, some in the evenings, lots of phone calls in the call history, some of them really long like nearly an hour.

Worst ones are about his trip this week, he went to the same project again for two nights,

made a point of telling me he was travelling alone and she wasn’t going to be there but he had sent her messages in the days leading up to it practically begging her to go, sent her a message saying ‘i’ll make it worth your while’

then sent her a photo of his room with a sad face and ‘what a waste’

LoveDeathPrizes · 25/07/2017 21:23

Look at it another way. If you were Chloe and you received that message, how certain would you be that he'd have sex with you? I'd think it was a dead cert and the ball was in my court.

Quite aside from the fact that a lot of men need to have already had sex with someone to have the confidence to send a message like that.

SandyY2K · 26/07/2017 07:37

@lovedeathprizes
That's absolutely spot on.

If you were Chloe and you received that message, how certain would you be that he'd have sex with you? I'd think it was a dead cert and the ball was in my court.

eatabagofdicks · 27/07/2017 08:16

*But he swears he would never do anything
*
100% he already has.

You know exactly what to believe. You don't need to physically catch them in bed to know he's an untrustworthy, lying sleazebag.