Would you be bothered by this - DH travelling with female colleague and not telling me

[manechanger101]

DH travels quite frequently for work and is often in a different place every day of the week so we don't generally discuss where he is in any great detail - it will just be 'x today, Y tomorrow' etc. Recently he's started a new project which involves a flight to get to and last week he went there for two days. He told me that the two guys he'd previously travelled there with were already out there so I assumed he was going alone although he never actually said he was/I didn't ask.

He phoned when away as normal but he didn’t talk much about the trip when he came home. Few days later I found a pair of woman’s shoes in his car. Asked him about them he said 'oh they're Chloe’s from the other day', apparently when he went away she had gone with him. She works on the project too, I've heard of her before but had no idea he was travelling with her. She'd parked near the house and he'd driven her to the airport, they flew together, stayed in the same hotel, went for dinner with the others etc..

He says he doesn't understand why I'm annoyed, that he didn't think he needed to mention it and it's no different to when he travels with one of the guys, I'm just concerned cause it seems like he purposely didn't mention it.

There’s a few other things that bother me about this woman, like the fact that I’ve seen lots of messages from her in his email but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be bothered about the trip

hmmmm I would definitely be snooping by this point

Have you spoken to him about this ?

Search for a second phone.
I hope he's not up to anything but you must trust your instinct and as AF says 'talk to him'.

I haven't spoken to him about it since I found the shoes and we had a bit of a row about why he hadn't told me. I don't know whether to mention the emails, he won't be happy i've snooped and will deny there's anything wrong in what they have said to each other.

I want to have a proper look at his phone to try and see some more and if they're generally better or worse than the ones i've seen but don't want to send myself mad checking up on him all the time

I'm sorry to say OP, that at the very least, your husband is being unprofessional and apparently revelling in the attention.

He clearly enjoys her company - which is fine, but he perhaps is getting an ego boost from it.

I travel a lot with work - almost exclusively with male colleagues - and I only ever choose to arrange breakfast / travel / evening meals with a very limited few.

The rest, I'm professional with but I angle it to meet them at the hotel / airport / client.

There are only one or two colleagues that I would travel with / sit next to on the plane.. in fact, one is my boss.. but we don't have the kind of flirty comms that you've seen between your DH and his team member.

I don't sense a full on affair here (yet).. doesn't seem like the woman has really done anything wrong, to be honest... but I do sense your DH behaving very wrongly if she's a junior team member.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a serious chat. You don't need to tell him that you've read the messages, you can say how you noticed he had mentionitis when he first met this colleague and has since gone very quiet about her, he didn't mention giving her a lift and you wouldn't have known if she hadn't left her shoes behind. (By the way, this could be totally inocent or it could be a kind of subliminal territory marking... I once knew a woman who confessed she used to leave things behind in her lover's car in the hope it would spark a row with his wife )

Even without the "banter" in their messages, this would be enough red flags to get most people's spidey senses tingling. I don't think they're having an affair yet, but I think they're well on the way to it. Having a talk with your DH about the kind of healthy boundaries you both expect in your relationship might avert a disaster.

Good luck!

Nah, I'm the 'woman' in this scenario. I travel ALOT. I have driving shoes (manky trainers). I can see me getting in a passenger seat wearing a business dress, hair, make up etc, laptop, overnight bag, wearing said trainers. Would drive to meet a colleague, get in their car, 'work' shoes in hand. Get to place of work, swap shoes. Later, retrieve overnight bag from car boot, drink slightly too much in bar with colleagues, talk shop, make excuses, go to bed. Return trip, I haven't driven there, so get into car with 'work shoes' on, but trainers still in passenger footwell. So, change shoes in car, place work shoes behind the drivers seat, as that's the only place you can reach from the passenger seat. Get to own car, get out, get overnight bag from boot, thank your husband for lift, walk straight to own car, forget work shoes.

I'm also the woman in this scenario, male dominated industry and travel with male colleagues a lot. Some of them I'm good friends with and have been in almost that exact situation sharing cars, going on same flights. Also has it when one of the guys who don't really know me would text or say something to a close male colleague insinuating a load of crap.

The text "he's a nob" or similar is exactly what I would say.

Potentially he likes her, but she's shut him down.

I work away a lot with males and females in the company. Sometimes we spend up to 10 days together in foreign country. We are all in the 30-40 age group. Not once has anything happened to my knowledge on any trip. During these trips we have got to know each other well and we banter etc. I have said to my colleagues before "I know you love me really" and shit like that. Its ALL harmless.

My ex was incredibly paranoid, so quite often I would give him the minimal amount of information needed to try not to cause any stress on his part. Could it be that OP? Do you give the impression you get paranoid and worried?

Once my colleague called me on skype from his hotel room to discuss work, he was sat on his bed and my Ex walked in my office. For weeks he mentioned it, thought it was weird, like it was a casual thing and he shouldn't be calling me like that. It wasn't weird at all, colleague had just traveled a long way to get to his hotel room and was chilling on the bed and called me to discuss work.

I wouldn't assume anything is going on with these two at all, unless you find more evidence. I would trust him, his responses sound plausible. All that will happen now is he will probably tell you less, which will make you more suspicious. i think as soon a seed is sown, its difficult to get rid of that thought. Be open I guess, tell him your fears and see what happens.

DH has had what I'll call a 'Mike comment' before. He came home and said along the lines of 'Mike said to me today is there something going on with Chloe, as we seem very friendly' we discussed it in terms of did he think he was being unprofessional? Has he been unknowingly making Chloe feel uncomfortable? Does Chloe like him and he hadn't realised banter had moved to flirting? Is Mike stirring because of a grievance against DH or because Mike fancies Chloe? Etc etc etc.

Admittedly DH is the boss so he has to take insinuations about his conduct very seriously and he values my input on stuff like this. Still I think to get a comment like that and not tell your wife is really off tbh. If someone somewhere thinks you've been behaving a little inappropriately, your spouse should know so apart from anything else they can't be blindsided by a shit stirring Mike at next social event.

I've had a few Mike comments about friends.
Nothing has ever been going on.

Sometimes there's milage in it to stop and reflect. Other times its just people wanting a bit of drama to spice their life up at the expense of other people

Hmm. I have left many a shoe in a colleague's car, and usually travel with so many pairs I hardly notice! The flirty comments are a bit concerning depending on what he's usually like, though I've also been the subject of a "Mike" comment and NOTHING has been going on! Is he just a friendly person who is casual with everyone? Is she?

In fact, one colleague's wife went as far as to put up a scary thread on here about me essentially because I'd been overly nice to his cat. (It was so identifying it was either me or a clone) - it was all very embarrassing and made me question my work behaviour for a while until other colleagues reassured me. I'd say try not to jump to conclusions, stop secretly snooping and try and have a conversation with your DH focusing on why you feel weird and how he can help

I do not understand all the women that comment here and blame the wives for not liking them getting close to their husbands. For me its co cky and some perhaps enjoy the attention and the drama they cause. I think if they were the wife then it would be a totally different story. If you got "mike comments" or forgot your shoes or whatever in a married colleagues car dont get upset with the wife for not liking it. Perhaps you and DH should respect the wife and keep it professional , it is work after all and thats why you are there. Affairs do happen at work environment, so stop pretending that they dont just because you are not doing it.

Blue flower there is so much wrong with what you wrote I don't know where to start. Your last sentence is true they do happen but that is not what is being discussed here.

So let me get this straight, I'm supposed to act differently towards my male married colleagues and worry about what their wives would think?? Fuck that really? Seriously as a woman in a male industry I have enough on my plate without acting all weird and saying I can't possibly have a lift with a male colleague because they are married, not married have elderflowers dangling from their beards.... whatever!

And quite frankly the married men should be creating their own boundaries.

@jeaux90 If you know that you are going to cause an issue then yes keep it professional . Why this is a problem, i do not understand. Its work . And if getting a lift from specific people will cause problem with their wives then find another way .Its about being thoughtful and respectful. I also work in a male dominated environment and i am always careful to keep it professional .
I agree that married men should create their own boundaries
OP i am sorry if this escaped your original question

blue it's up to the husband to know the wife's feelings / boundaries and respect that, he's the one that knows her and married her.

Apart from anything else this thread proves the wide range of reactions from any given spouse, it's not up to random female colleagues to second guess that - particularly if they are junior and thus not really holding the power in the work relationship.

blueflower30
I will never police my professional relationships and interactions for fear of what somebody's partner or spouse would think. I'm at work to do a job and getting on with colleagues is part of that.

Yes, affairs do happen. But we aren't talking about affairs, we're talking about perfectly acceptable friendliness that some people think should stop on the grounds there is a tiny chance it might turn into an affair at some point.

It's patronising (to men and women) to suggest women should police their interactions because these helpless men might accidently stumble into bed with them.

And that's the point blueflower. It is professional. What is unprofessional about getting a lift, having a friendly relationship with colleagues or sharing expenses by car pooling on a business trip?

I think your statements say way more about you than any of us.

I think crossing the boundary between office friendship and tipping into affair territory happens when they're emailing/saying things they would want to keep from their spouses.
Would he be fine with showing you those texts and emails or would he try to hide them OP?
The mentionitis then silence is a big red flag.

@jeaux90 I am talking for both btw, DH and female colleagues. Are you forced by your job to use the same car ? Are you forced by your job to behave in a way that will cause "mike comments"? Are you forced by your job to travel together? If the answer is no and if you know that the wife will get annoyed then why would you do it? To me this is just causing unnecessary drama . i personally respect their wives and create boundaries even if the men dont

Forced? What planet are you on? It about not acting like an aloof nob because you happen to be of the opposite sex. With some men the fact you are friends with a colleague is enough to cause those comments. Personally I think they can jog on with their small mindedness.

And yes if you are travelling for meetings together or a conference you are often on the same flights, same hotels, share a car or a taxi to the airport. And yes we should all have boundaries but not batshit ones.