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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you be bothered by this - DH travelling with female colleague and not telling me

254 replies

manechanger101 · 15/07/2017 14:31

DH travels quite frequently for work and is often in a different place every day of the week so we don't generally discuss where he is in any great detail - it will just be 'x today, Y tomorrow' etc. Recently he's started a new project which involves a flight to get to and last week he went there for two days. He told me that the two guys he'd previously travelled there with were already out there so I assumed he was going alone although he never actually said he was/I didn't ask.

He phoned when away as normal but he didn’t talk much about the trip when he came home. Few days later I found a pair of woman’s shoes in his car. Asked him about them he said 'oh they're Chloe’s from the other day', apparently when he went away she had gone with him. She works on the project too, I've heard of her before but had no idea he was travelling with her. She'd parked near the house and he'd driven her to the airport, they flew together, stayed in the same hotel, went for dinner with the others etc..

He says he doesn't understand why I'm annoyed, that he didn't think he needed to mention it and it's no different to when he travels with one of the guys, I'm just concerned cause it seems like he purposely didn't mention it.

There’s a few other things that bother me about this woman, like the fact that I’ve seen lots of messages from her in his email but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be bothered about the trip

OP posts:
wonderingwhy2 · 15/07/2017 17:10

Why did she park a few streets away?

Why didn't she park nearer your house?
How did he know where she's parked?
Something doesn't add up.
He's lying by 'omission'

He thinks that not mentioning isn't as bad as lying.

Can you tell us what the emails say?

SlightlyJaded · 15/07/2017 17:11

What Cremefresh said.

Why didn't she knock?

Or did she? Were you at home when he left?

wonderingwhy2 · 15/07/2017 17:11

If she parked close to your house why didn't she come and knock for your dh?

That would be the normal thing to do.

Batteriesallgone · 15/07/2017 17:12

It's odd that she parked nearby but then didn't come to your house / wait by his car to get a lift. And odd he didn't say 'oh Chloe is going to be outside at 8am tomorrow as I'm giving her a lift'. I agree it's a little off

wonderingwhy2 · 15/07/2017 17:14

I’ve seen lots of messages from her in his email

What's the general tone of the emails?

Are they sent during work hours?
Late at night?
First thing in the morning?

manechanger101 · 15/07/2017 17:15

She didn't park a few streets away she parked further down our road (which is quite busy so may have been only place there was a space) and she didn't knock no but it was early in the morning around 5 I think

I will see if I can have a look at his phone later

OP posts:
wonderingwhy2 · 15/07/2017 17:17

It may be completely innocent and he's been a bit idiotic by thinking that what you don't know won't hur you.
or
There could be more to it.

I would do a bit of digging, for my own piece of mind.

wonderingwhy2 · 15/07/2017 17:19

Assuming there is something going on (even though there probably isn't)
I doubt very much whether any emails will still be on there now.
If he's guilty of something and he suspects you're on to him, he will have deleted them by now.

wonderingwhy2 · 15/07/2017 17:20

Would her FB page tell you anything?

SleepingTiger · 15/07/2017 17:24

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wonderingwhy2 · 15/07/2017 17:25

Tiger Grin

happypoobum · 15/07/2017 17:30

I would probably do a bit of digging/snooping tbh......

Why didn't she take her shoes back when they presumably drove back in DH car to your road where her car was parked?

It sounds like she did it deliberately.

TheweewitchRoz · 15/07/2017 17:32

The mentionitis is strange & would worry me but the rest sounds fine. Sadly though, if you have suspicions, they are usually founded on something. Hope I'm wrong.

SleepingTiger · 15/07/2017 17:37

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SlightlyJaded · 15/07/2017 17:40

To be fair I wouldn't knock at 5am. I'd text.

But equally as I was leaving I'd say "Name of person is outside, I'm off. Bye"

The mentionitis followed by complete opposite is a red flag, but not utterly damning.

The big thing here for me is your gut feeling. Something is telling you to 'look into this' so do it. It may be nothing, he may have an unrequited crush, but trust your instinct. Even if you can't put your finger on it, there has been a subtle shift in his behaviour that is something you should not ignore.

If it's nothing, he will reassure you and you will feel silly but reassured.

huskyduck · 15/07/2017 17:40

If she needs to drive in other shoes, then she would have needed the shoes for her return drive.

MrsMozart · 15/07/2017 17:40

It could just be paranoia on his behalf.

I work mainly with men (engineering and then IT), and have found that they're usually more restrained in what they'll tell their OHs about me. There's not an iota of a thing going on, but when on projects we do spend a lot of time together. There'll be texts, emails and calls at all times of the day when in full project mode. We travel together, stay in same hotels, eat together, and get quite friendly (it helps), but I only know of one time when things became anything else (not me).

There was once when I had dinner with a supplier, which was usual when we visited suppliers, and he asked me not to mention it to his wife when he and she came over to the UK for a return meet. He said she'd get the wrong idea. I said his private life was nothing to do with me but I wouldn't lie. For the record - nothing between us!

I'm working on a major project now and one bloke and I are practically joined at the hip. But there's bog all sexual going on. My DH has got used to it over the years.

A long winded way of saying dont go off thinking it's something unless you have solid proof.

SleepingTiger · 15/07/2017 17:44

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MaisyPops · 15/07/2017 17:44

I wouldn't knock at 5 am. I'd text so I didn't wake the house up.

2 pairs of shoes, one for driving and one for work is fairly normal. I have a spare pair of old flats in my car I swap into if I've had my nice heels on. (Also have spare heels under my desk at work in case I forget a pair of nice ones).

No alarm bells here.

SleepingTiger · 15/07/2017 17:46

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GeekyWombat · 15/07/2017 17:49

Erm, Tiger are you ok?!

ReinettePompadour · 15/07/2017 17:52

Tiger chicken wrapped in bacon with creme fraiche mashed potatoes and tomato, bean and onion salsa.

PearlyPinkNails · 15/07/2017 17:54

Hmmmmmm bit fishy

EscapingAdultLife · 15/07/2017 18:00

OP women like you really annoying me! I work in a male dominated industry and often travel with male colleagues, there's nothing in it. fortunately I have a partner who trusts me!

If I ever have a girl I will give er a joke that can be shortened to sound like a man's name (Georgia, Alexander, Christine etc). if chloe was called Josephine and you DHL mentioned Jo was travelling would you be annoyed?

happypoobum · 15/07/2017 18:06

I also drive in flats - the point is, when she got back, surely she would have popped her flats back on before getting back in her car?

Whereabouts in the car were they OP?