Would you be bothered by this - DH travelling with female colleague and not telling me

[manechanger101]

DH travels quite frequently for work and is often in a different place every day of the week so we don't generally discuss where he is in any great detail - it will just be 'x today, Y tomorrow' etc. Recently he's started a new project which involves a flight to get to and last week he went there for two days. He told me that the two guys he'd previously travelled there with were already out there so I assumed he was going alone although he never actually said he was/I didn't ask.

He phoned when away as normal but he didn’t talk much about the trip when he came home. Few days later I found a pair of woman’s shoes in his car. Asked him about them he said 'oh they're Chloe’s from the other day', apparently when he went away she had gone with him. She works on the project too, I've heard of her before but had no idea he was travelling with her. She'd parked near the house and he'd driven her to the airport, they flew together, stayed in the same hotel, went for dinner with the others etc..

He says he doesn't understand why I'm annoyed, that he didn't think he needed to mention it and it's no different to when he travels with one of the guys, I'm just concerned cause it seems like he purposely didn't mention it.

There’s a few other things that bother me about this woman, like the fact that I’ve seen lots of messages from her in his email but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be bothered about the trip

I haven't read the whole thread but as someone who goes on frequent business trips with assorted male colleagues I'm utterly fed up with the notion some wives have that every female colleague has no morals and can't wait to jump their husband. I have even received a phone call prior to a trip from a colleagues wife asking did I need to go on the upcoming trip with her husband. The wife in question didn't even work for the company, and er yes I did need to go, I WORK there, I'm needed on the trip, my bosses send me! Please realise that colleagues don't get to pick and choose who they go on business trips with, your husbands female colleagues may have morals (gasp), they may find your husband repulsive on all levels but have to behave professionally. Your insecurity is probably why your husband didn't mention it as he knew you would be suspicious of a situation that doesn't exist. My last trip abroad was myself (female) my senior (female) and a male expert in his field. His wife stated he COULD NOT GO WITHOUT HER (she doesn't work for the company ) the expert travels all the time with men. After several days of delaying booking travel plans while his insecure wife tried to find a cheap way of accompanying us the head jumped in told him to deal with his private life separately and concentrate on work and the trip. It all reflected really badly on him. Please stop viewing your husbands female colleagues with suspicion and imagining they are gagging for it on business trips.

I haven't read the whole thread but as someone who goes on frequent business trips with assorted male colleagues I'm utterly fed up with the notion some wives have that every female colleague has no morals and can't wait to jump their husband.

Right, what has that got to do with this thread though?

The OP has suspicions when she normally doesn't. Mike thinks there is something going on between them. Either Mike has noticed it or OP's DH is fishing to see what she says.

This does not sound innocent. A big crush at the very best.

It has nothing do with male and female colleagues going away together. Maybe you should read the thread?

"They're work friends. I wouldn't find those emails suspicious at all. Men and women can be friends and be jokey with each other about all kinds of things.

I joke with the men at work too. We don't send emails saying another colleague thinks there is something going on between us because if anyone thought I was having an affair then I would wonder what the fuck I was doing to give anyone that impression.

I get lifts with men at my new job. I am there overnight with other men. I never give anyone the impression that we are anything other than colleagues/friends.

I don't have a problem with dh going away with colleagues at work and don't give 2 hoots whether they are male or female. Similarly to some other posters, if he's away a lot (so 3 different places in the last 10 days for example) my mind gets full up with arrangements about when he is here / needs collecting from airport / who is taking dc to places they need to be / what meals everyone needs etc., and I don't need to know the ins and outs of the details of his work.
It seems very strange to me when posters can't understand that it is perfectly possible to have a bit of banter with or to be friendly with someone just because they are of the opposite sex. What limited lives you must lead!
There is nothing in what you have described, OP that makes me think you need to be worrying about your dh.

Sounds like an emotional affair at the very least is brewing.
I had this relationship with a colleague. And we did have an affair.

If it dosnt feel right to you when you are usually level headed about things then it isn't op.
He's being shifty and their emails are overly familiar. You need to talk to him,

I don't think anything has happened. I think from those emails it does sound more like he could be interested in her but her not into him. Now you've called him out on it I think it will all stop?

I would find it odd that she was on your road and he didn't invite her to your door to say hi? I'm friends with the girls in my partners office. I get invited to their baby showers, birthdays etc.

Not sure.

Tell him to get her annoying shoes out of the car though.

The cheats I'm aware of at work conduct all their shenanigans within the working day, their wives are oblivious. They leave home in the morning but don't arrive at work until much later than it takes to commute and leave early but go elsewhere before returning home, with long "lunches" thrown in they conduct affairs easily, business trips ate not a pre requisite. It's obvious why OPs husband didn't tell her about who was going on the business trip, the insecurity and suspicion is off the scale, obsessing over shoes and all matter of things is ridiculous.

The text about Mike is the most worrying here.

It's either "shit, we've maybe been rumbled", or a bonding thing of "look, we're so close friends now that people think we're romantically involved [smug]". Neither of which are professional behaviour from your DH,nevermind the infidelity angle.

He's letting someone else into your relationship, in some capacity. A capacity that's, at the very least, just slightly more than friends.

Hmm.

Dh and i were in a long-distance relationship (different countries) for a while in the early days. He was a student and had a female student friend. They were quite close. At some point he (I think he) mentioned that the rumour was going round the institute that something was going on between them. There definitely wasn't. People like gossip and love to jump to what to them is the obvious conclusion.

Dh has always worked in a female-dominated field, been on courses etc with mostly women, travelled places with them etc. Not once have I had any sense or suspicion that something might be going on with someone. Neither of us are the jealous type, admittedly, but while I would exercise caution in responding to silly rumours, and the travelling with the female colleague is IMO far from being suspicious in and of itself, if something is bothering you I would at the very least try to work out where that is coming from and, ideally, sit him down to talk about it.

The comment re mike is the one that's concern me.

Either their behaviour is suspect, which isn't great. Or
He is fishing.
I suspect the latter.

Said as a woman who travels abroad every week with other people's husbands without drama or incident.

What do you all mean fishing about the Mike comment?

Does he joke and flirt and have a laugh with you, OP?
What are the text messages like between the two of you?

If his interactions with you (whether that be verbal or text) are very dry humorless and cold, with not much affection in them, then I would be worried.

Why is he jokey and friendly with this woman
and not with you - his own wife?

Was Mike at the hotel, as part of the other group?

What do you all mean fishing about the Mike comment? "Look, even Mike can feel the incredible chemistry between us... so how about it?"

Fishing: "hey, er, others think we're so close we could be a couple! Do you find that funny or...."

Ah I think the fishing comment is that your DH put the comment out there about 'Mike being suspicious' to find out whether she had feelings for him (your DH) He wanted to know what her reaction would be to his comment about there possibly being 'something going on'.
He has a crush on her at the very least. Sad git.

Others beat me to it

That plus the mentioning-lots-then-not-mentioning would make me suspicious that he's hoping something might happen. The tone of her reply to the Mike comment suggests she may not be interested though.

oh I see what you mean. Yes I think Mike was one of the others on the trip

A similar thing happened to me. He eventually left me for her.
There were other issues and I had not behaved fantastically either, so I don't want to totally blame ex. But there was a long period of time where I was worried and suspicious and got told I was being controlling etc. Turned out I was right to be worried.
Not saying this will happen to you but don't ignore your gut

I wouldn't be happy. Mostly about the emails though.

Are they FB friends?

Where are the shoes now?
Are they still in the car?
Or have they mysteriously disappeared?

And why were they under his side of the car? Surely they should have been under the passenger sea? Seems like he was hiding them under his seat, until he could get rid of them?