Friend doesn't want me at event - WWYD?

[weaselface]

Name changed as this is outing!

My group of friends organised going to a music festival that's happening next weekend. I couldn't get a ticket at the time but am volunteering at the festival so I get a ticket as part of that.

Stayed over at my best friend's last night, and this morning overheard her on the phone talking to one of our mutual friends.

The jist of the conversation was 'Weasel is going to Festival after all... I know, I'm so annoyed, I thought there was no chance at this point. She has the whole weekend off as well, so we can't shake her off'

I am gutted :( I have depression and huge issues around self esteem and feeling secure in friendships. This is the first time ever I've thought I had a solid group of friends, and this particular girl is supposed to be my best mate.

I'm tempted not to go, but I've paid a deposit for my spot which I would lose. The other option is to try and find some additional paid bar work at the festival, but it's a 12 hour shift both days for crap money. Another part of me is tempted to go and be the life and soul of the party. I just wouldn't enjoy myself thinking they're laughing/moaning behind my back :(

Sorry for the epic post, guess I just needed to vent! Any tips on how to make the weekend more bearable?

I'm completely clutching at straws here, but is there any way they could've been surprising you with a ticket, knowing you couldn't get one, so now she's found out you've found another way to go, she's annoyed because the surprise is ruined?
Or- is there a friend that you get on with better than the others in that group? And they could've been planning to shake off while they were there, but now because you'll be there, and you get on better, they won't be able to shake her off?
I know maybe I'm being overly positive but it's only because I've been on your end of that phone call before, thinking someone was talking about me because I couldn't hear the person on the other end, turned out I had the complete wrong end of the stick and it was nothing to do with me.
for you OP.

Definitely go along, volunteer, have a good time.
ALso: you're all students and this sort of drama is not that uncommon at your age. It may blow over, it may not - but the people you start out being friends with at uni often end up not being the people who become your lifetime friends later on in your uni time.

Can you text her?

"Hey X, I really wanted to speak to you as I overheard you talking to Y yesterday and it's really upset me"

Let her call you and explain.

Don't text her, it'll give her time to make something up. I'd ask her face to face.

I suppose you have the choice of saving face, by drifting away, or confronting it. If you confront it she should feel absolutely terrible about it. Blush for years when she thinks about it.

I can see advantages to both approaches.

Has the festival got a website? I know the bigger ones often have 'Camp Loner' type forums where people going alone can camp and make new friends. I'd look into that and see if you can find some lovely new friends to have fun with.

My poor weasel!

You wanted tips to make it a good weekend?

Ditch these shower of shite "mates" the minute you get there and get stuck in doing whatever you can to help for the festival.

How dare they!!

Say this "well, here is where I shake you off and spend the rest of the weekend making friends and enjoying myself"

Has it occurred to you that being around shitty people may contribute to your low mood? That having people who don't value the wonderful person you are would erode your self esteem?

Nobody can dig you out of your black hole except you, but you can be as sure as can be that having crappy people around you can put you in that hole and worse, keep you there.

Choose to use this as a big line to draw between the old weasel and the new.

Depression is anger turned inwards. You may have much anger and frustration to express, so do it.

We all have a right to our feelings, hiding them, or disempowering our recognition of hurt can only result in destructive moods.

There are so many support avenues here and in the real world, people DO care and want to help, so seek those who add to your life and surround yourself with positivity, cos it does rub off and you will get through this.

I'm old, I know this. I've survived myself and come out stronger.

Are you going to bring it up with her op?

I'm honestly not sure yet. I'm bewildered by the fact that she was 100% normal to my face, but then be so horrible about me behind my back. I'm not sure I'm quite ready to hear whatever she has to say. I have no idea whether she'd just lie and continue to bitch, or tell me how she actually feels, which will be horrible as she clearly really dislikes me!

When I said I wanted to go, she did mention that she didn't think it was my kind of music (which it is, by the way). She can be very condescending. Maybe she wanted it as a weekend for her real, cool friends - how unreasonable of me to turn up and have a nice time eh?!

The irony is really liked the fact that this group is pretty low on drama! If I said something to her, no doubt it would get round the group, and she would either make me look paranoid or (my greatest fear) the whole lot of them will turn around and say I'm insufferable and the last two years of uni have all been a lie.

At the same time, I want her to know I'm onto her - but probably won't do anything today.

Do you help them with coursework or anything else so they can't afford to ditch you, though secretly hope to see you as less as possible and have the best of both worlds?

There is no point questioning them. It can be humiliating and embarrassing for you. I agree with the following 100%

scampimom Thu 13-Jul-17 12:04:51

I wouldn't have it out with her if it were me, but I hate confrontation. I just don't think you'd hear anything to your advantage by talking to her about it. You'd either get hard-boiled truth, which will be really hard to hear and only their opinion anyway, or bare-faced lies.

From experience, the best that could possibly happen would be them pretending and minimising out of embarrassment or need and then pretend to still be your friends while cutting you out and moving the friendship underground for you not to have much chance to participate.

I wouldn't give them the impression that they mean so much to me that I really HAVE TO ask why they don't want my friendship anymore. I have done it before and in retrospect so many years later it seems so childish although I do recognise that what they have done is very upsetting and ideally/fairly they should be questioned.

On the other hand, if you just cut or minimise your contact without asking them any questions they might still slag you off for doing so "without a reason" but I wouldn't care. If any of them still want to be your friends, they can always ask you out, can't they?

If the rest of the group are ok people and you feel reasonably secure with them, how about sound one of them out about this? They may be horrified that she said this, and you may find it's just her being a queen bitch and the rest of the group want no part of it, and want you along.

By the way you sound lovely....don't go letting what she said get you down or make you feel bad about yourself - SHE is the horrid one here, not you. She sounds about 13 years old in terms of maturity.

What a horrid thing to happen OP...

I would be tempted to message the group, tell them what you overheard, ask if they all feel that way and wait and see. In the mean time of sort the bar work and look at making new friends.

Go to the festival, and have a blooming good time. From what you said, she does not sound like a lovely person, but somebody who has a form for this, and as you said, it is only a matter of time before it happened to you unfortunately. You could sound out a few people, there are 10 in your group so quite a number. As for her, she would not be my best friend anymore, and I would cancel any future meet ups with her, and the group.

She's one of those, who smiles to your face, whilst stabbing you in the back, not a very nice person at all, and not friends I would want. Once you go, she might move onto her next victim.

People have explored whether she was talking about you..but is there any chance the person the other end wasn't one of the group? Its just possible she hoped to shake off ALL of them to meet up with a bloke secretly, and was saying this to him, because you and she are particularly close, so it would be more obvious if she disappeared with you there to notice?
Probably doesn't fit, but thought I'd explore every alternative, as it seems so odd for her to be sooo 2 faced - if she didn't like you, surely she wouldn't have spent the day with you and seemed happy - no one puts that much time in with someone they dislike for no apparent reason, surely?

When you cancel just say, that now you can shake me off. Egg, she mentioned op name, and her weekend off, so very identifiable.

I would go and do the bar work. I've worked on the bar at festivals and it's loads of fun. You will meet other people to hang out with after your shifts. And better camping/toilets/showers.

She is not your friend. Tell her to piss off.

No luck with the bar work so far - still trying, though. I have experience so hopefully can scrape something together.

The more I'm thinking about it, the angrier I'm getting. From what I heard, her problem isn't with others going to the festival, it's with me and only me.

I once had a friend who meant a great deal to me. We spent every day together and we're closer than sisters. Then she got other friends who she would slag me off too (found out long after) but still wanted me around when they were busy. It's quite likely that you DO mean a lot to her friendship-wise but ONLY when it's convenient for her. Ditch the bitch. Hang around with other volunteers and have a great time. And if you get the job, make sure your fellow bartenders know to "not see" your friend at the bar. Skip right on past her to the next customer. Every. Single. Time.

Oh and personally I wouldn't ask her for an explication. As some have already said, she could lie and try to back peddle and the disrespect will be painful or she will tell you truthfully her thoughts and it'll hurt like a bitch too.

Feel free to let her know you know though, just tell her you have no interest in hearing anymore about it as she is obviously no friend to you and walk away.

I would not even ask her why. It is clear she was talking about you. I would drop her without telling her why.

Egg, she mentioned op name, and her weekend off, so very identifiable.

I know she did, I was asking if OP knew who friend was speaking to, for certain (or did she assume it was one of the group, because it seemed likely?..), then explained why it could make a difference..

Egg - I assume it was one of the group who's going, because she said 'we can't shake her off'. I could be wrong though - either way, she was talking about me.

Horrible. I think you need to go NC with the lot of them immediately.

If they chase you up and ask you what's wrong then so be it. If not, you need to find real friends and move on. Maybe work on your self esteem first though, or you're going to continue to attract these damaged types.

@Hissy -just wanted to let you know that I have saved and screenshotted your excellent post above. Just what I needed to read after a hard day

I think you need to ask your 'bf' just what the fuck she meant. That's a pretty vicious thing to overhear.