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Original poster

Wife died and falling for her friend?? Eeeek!!

206 replies

blueskiesrock · 08/07/2017 17:01

Hi.

I had a great marriage for 26 years and my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly 6 months ago. Friends have been great and I feel very supported but still very lonely.

A good friend of my wife's (we have all been friends ever since my wife and I met) has been superb at helping and she has never been married. We have lots in common and I am starting to have feelings for her and I suspect she might be too, however I am worried that if I try to move things on and she doesn't feel the way I do I'd lose the friendship and make myself look silly. We are both in our fifties so old enough to realise time marches on.

Also concerned friends will feel it is too soon but then they are not the one at home alone.

Ho Hum???

What to do?

OP posts:
Goodasgold17 · 08/07/2017 17:05

I think everyone is different when it comes to the time issue. If she is interested, she will have the same concerns. If things are going to happen, it will probably happen naturally. Just to enjoy spending time and see what happens.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/07/2017 17:08

There is no easy way to ask her without risking rejection.

How about you give it a few months longer before you both jump in. I only say this as people will have an opinion and there's a strong change friendships might break down when mutuals find out your dating.

Also please consider your children etc

Life isn't necessarily about making others happy but equally you don't want to go around hurting those you love and care for

HarmlessChap · 08/07/2017 17:10

Sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how difficult its been for you.

I think you need to be honest with the woman tell her that you are starting to develop feeling for her and let her decide if she wants to see where it goes or cool things off.

As for what your friends think, its not them that have to live your life so don't take any notice if they disprove.

rizlett · 08/07/2017 17:10

It's normal to feel lonely and to be missing your wife and still very early days.

Do you feel more attracted to your mutual friend because you want to avoid feeling lonely?

Although time marches on do you feel there is a rush or might it be more wise to take things slowly?

VulvalHeadMistress · 08/07/2017 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 08/07/2017 17:16

When my granny died my grandpa fell for her nurse. She had a long battle with cancer and the nurse was in a lot. I suspect the feelings grew for a long time before she died. He tried to do the decent thing and not date her for awhile after but in the end he did and they actually had 30 happy years together before he died. The way my mum tells it is lovely. She loved her step mum, she was an adult with 2 children when her mum died.

There's no right length of time, just keep talking, ask her for coffee and see. You deserve happiness.

Greycat11 · 08/07/2017 17:17

Personally I don't understand how many men move on (or can even contemplate it) so quickly after a happy marriage.
Time marches on but doesn't have to he so quick, if she's right for you she will wait for you. And I'd think it would be more likely to work if you took more time to grieve.
I don't mean to sound harsh, I know moving on doesn't mean you forget your wife.

Original poster
blueskiesrock · 08/07/2017 17:17

Yes I brush I guess but part of me would be gutted if she told me she was seeing someone else in 6 months time while I dawdled.

Kids wise I have one at uni and one doing A levels. She knows them both since they were born and gets on with them. She has no kids.

OP posts:
alltalknobaby · 08/07/2017 17:20

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Go for it. If your wife dying has taught you anything surely it's that life is for living and you should grab the opportunity for happiness when you can. Plus she already comes with your wife's stamp of approval if she is her friend 😊 If friends and family have a problem with it, perhaps keep it quiet for now.

GahBuggerit · 08/07/2017 17:25

I'm with greycat. And op if I can gently say imo that "eeeeek" and "no hum" and "what to do" sounds a little......off? Like you're debating whether to risk having a vindaloo or stick to a korma, not get your skates on asking your deceased wife of half a years friend out in case she gets snapped up.

Just pointing it out as you say you're worried how people will react, maybe try not to sound so offhand about it

Nix32 · 08/07/2017 17:25

When I was 18 my boyfriends (also 18) Mum died. His Dad started dating again within a few months, and got married very quickly. It was awful for my boyfriend and his younger sister. They felt totally sidelined and abandoned. Their Dad didn't consider their feelings and completely prioritised his new wife's feelings. Their Mum was never talked about, photos of her were put away. He didn't help them with their grief at all. It was very, very damaging in lots of different ways. Please be careful not to make the same mistakes.

ClashCityRocker · 08/07/2017 17:29

I would advise caution - not because I think there is anything wrong with how you are feeling but because you have just gone through a major life change fairly recently and it's never the best time to make a big decision so close to the aftermath. She may feel that you are anxiously seeking a replacement for your wife etc.

Enjoy spending time together and see what progresses for now. If it's going to happen, it will happen.

TulipsInAJug · 08/07/2017 17:29

I think you should wait for at least another year. She has been single for years, it's not likely that will suddenly change and she'll be snapped up. In a year's time, see how you both feel.

You must still be in deep bereavement it's only been six months! Your kids, and maybe others, will be upset if you move on so quickly. It is disrespectful. And like a PP I can't understand how men (it always seems to be men) can move on so quickly after a wife dies.

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 08/07/2017 17:30

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Original poster
blueskiesrock · 08/07/2017 17:31

Thanks nix32 I completely understand and I am very much aware of the kids. The fact they know her well will either work in my favour or not.....

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 08/07/2017 17:32

He sounds like my Dad with the ho hum.

Alfieisnoisy · 08/07/2017 17:34

Your feelings are natural and personal....everyone is different.

My friend was in a similar position 20 years ago....her much loved friend died after a long illness. After six months of her helping with the children because her friends husband had fallen into a nightmare he suddenly said he thought he was developing feelings for her.

They talked all the issues through and just took things slowly...she would meet him from work, cook an occasional meal for the children etc.

They've been together 18 yrs now and married for the past 10, it worked out well for them but they did have to deal with judgemental people around them.

Confusedandintrigued · 08/07/2017 17:35

For a start is perhaps change your tone.

It's a bit "what a riot" "such fun"

sodablackcurrant · 08/07/2017 17:38

Six months is such a short time since your wife's death really.

Take it slow, keep in contact but jumping in so soon will have tongues wagging big time.

But you also I think need to have respect for your late wife's friends and family too. A year is not a long time to wait, and you need to grieve too.

Best of luck.

Ginlovinglady · 08/07/2017 17:45

How come so many men can just get on with a new relationship...

6 months is no time
Perhaps really think if you've dealt with your grief. Or if it's just nice to have someone to help you deal with it all. In which case it's not massively fair on her
You've got plenty of time, if she likes you I doubt she'll be running off with someone else.
And I think it will be very damaging for your children for you to move on too soon. very, there are endless threads on here about it.

I presume your a level child is still living with you?

My mothers partner is a widow and he met my mother 4 years after his wife died and his children still struggled. You are treading a very fine line in terms of your children's and yours relationship.

You could damage it permanently, her being a close friend of your mothers is, I think going to be a disadvantage. They might feel very betrayed with the concept of her taking their mothers place.

ButterPasta · 08/07/2017 17:47

6 months is too soon. It will look like you had an affair before your wife died. It will be horrendous for your children. They are still young (in education) and at the very least have enough empathy to not start anything like this during your child's A levels.

After that it's all about how you go about it. Separate finances, clear will, which will see your assets go to your children not new girlfriend.

I have seen the horrible upset this sort of thing causes for grown up children. It looks like you are replacing your wife easily and she cannot have been that important to you. I am not saying that this is how it is but that it will look like that to everyone else

Grieve and then talk with your dc. If this woman finds another partner in 6 month then she didn't think you were worth waiting for.

Act like a grown up not a boy child who needs a woman to be able to enjoy life.

This sort of thing happens all too often.

Do you think you or the other woman had feelings for each other before your wife died?

Ginlovinglady · 08/07/2017 17:48

Especially as it was a sudden and unexpected death. I have much sympathy for you but honestly I think it is quite selfish for you to be considering and I don't care who flames me for saying that

ludothedog · 08/07/2017 17:48

Your kids are still very young. Remember that they have lost their mother as well and are also still grieving. How will they feel seeing their mother's friend filling her shoes?

We see it all too often on here. Wife dies, dad moves on. Kids get left behind. It goes from: 'we are a family unit, nothing can separate us' to 'I'm trying to move on and you're holding me back' to 'you are part of my past, I have moved on'. Kids are doubly bereft as they lose their father as well as their mother.

Please don't be that dad.

glitterlips1 · 08/07/2017 17:49

Sounds like you have developed feelings for someone who is "just there' I also think it is early days.

Hedgehog80 · 08/07/2017 17:50

6 months ???? Too soon.

Put it to the back of your mind and grieve for your wife.