Wife died and falling for her friend?? Eeeek!!

[blueskiesrock]

Hi.

I had a great marriage for 26 years and my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly 6 months ago. Friends have been great and I feel very supported but still very lonely.

A good friend of my wife's (we have all been friends ever since my wife and I met) has been superb at helping and she has never been married. We have lots in common and I am starting to have feelings for her and I suspect she might be too, however I am worried that if I try to move things on and she doesn't feel the way I do I'd lose the friendship and make myself look silly. We are both in our fifties so old enough to realise time marches on.

Also concerned friends will feel it is too soon but then they are not the one at home alone.

Ho Hum???

What to do?

But sometimes when one parent dies and the other allows themself to be consumed by grief they lose both parents too. I'm not saying that's in danger of happening here, but moving into another relationship too fast is not the only way that losing one parent results in the loss of both.

I, like Sommerville , lost my DH at a relatively young age (he was 57 and I was 54). I didn't just lose my DH, I lost the future we had planned together. It felt like I had to start over again.
At the time I thought I could either sit in a corner with my coat over my head for years to come or I could go and grab life by the balls. I chose the latter and in doing so I made some awful decisions and mistakes and became involved with some wronguns. So I would caution OP to be careful that your feelings are not just a way of masking your grief.
However, I also learnt a lot about myself. Nearly 8 years later I still well up out of the blue at a memory but I have moved on with my new future.

My best friends husband died and she met her new partner 3 months after his death you see she didn't stop loving him he just wasn't there any more it's completely different to a divorce. She's very happy so are her children and her new DD with her new partner.
You do what you think is best invite her out to dinner.... that's the simplest way if she doesn't want to go that's a big indication.
Good luck
Xxx

The tone of your post is just wrong.

So what if he has feelings for his wife's friend MudGolum 6 months after his wife's death. There is no reason to believe he just wants someone to shag or that he had feelings for her before her death. It is possible to come to love someone, who you've always liked as a human being because of the care and kindness they show toward you, you know. .

I could be horrified, but unfortunately my own experience makes me think it's not at all odd.

Only oddness was my mum moving on. 32 years married and she started dating less than 6 months later. Not just drawing closer to a friend, actively trawling dating sites. 15 years later I'm really glad she's found someone else, but I know her personality, and it's a character trait, not a gender I think. The happier she is, the less I need to turn up for Sunday lunch.

Blue forgive me if I'm making massive assumptions, but your tone, the way you speak about your "kids" etc, makes me think that actually you don't have any regard for them at all.

So, is six months too soon? No, not at all. I expect the only thing stopping you is appearances (including "will she think badly of me" and therefore not hang around), and nothing to do with anyone else's real emotions.

If this is so, your children won't be impacted by your behaviour because they will already know how self-absorbed you are. Actually, that's not true, because most children hope, defying experience, that their parents will put them first at critical points in life.