Wife died and falling for her friend?? Eeeek!!

[blueskiesrock]

Hi.

I had a great marriage for 26 years and my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly 6 months ago. Friends have been great and I feel very supported but still very lonely.

A good friend of my wife's (we have all been friends ever since my wife and I met) has been superb at helping and she has never been married. We have lots in common and I am starting to have feelings for her and I suspect she might be too, however I am worried that if I try to move things on and she doesn't feel the way I do I'd lose the friendship and make myself look silly. We are both in our fifties so old enough to realise time marches on.

Also concerned friends will feel it is too soon but then they are not the one at home alone.

Ho Hum???

What to do?

it's not the surviving parent having romantic feelings that hurts children. It's how those feelings are handled.
This. There's a world of difference between meeting someone at 6 months, taking it steady, still giving lots of time to the dc and remembering the dead person, and meeting someone at any point, even years later, rushing into things, spending so much time with them you seem to have forgotten the grief or the dc. This is so not dependent on time.

Key thing is whether you have feelings for this woman and are in an emotional place to start a new relationship, or whether you are just looking for someone to fill your loneliness, and her caring for you has created loving feelings in your grief.

I know a few cases where widowed men dashed into a new relationship as they were lonely and didn't like being single. Sadly their choices were poor and the new relationship ended, and caused damage to relationships with their children, and one lost assets in a divorce.

If you do proceed then please don't wipe your late wife out of your new life, that is hurtful to your children. I know another family where the adult child was really upset that all mum's photos and possessions were put in the attic and she was never mentioned. His father had married one of his late wife's friends. His children were ok that he had met someone and remarried, but they hated coming home from uni and there being no traces of their mum in their home.

love and loss is life - it's all a natural part of life but I think we can use grief as a way to escape this.

If it hurts (and hurting ourselves with our thinking is something we often do) then it isn't love.

We always have a choice. We can choose to feel the loss of someone we love who has died or we can choose to continue to feel the love we still have for them. Part of our responsibility to our children is to teach this.

Perhaps it depends on how open your heart is. Somerville has it right.

This thread has genuinely baffled me. I can't see why anyone would have a problem with the bereaved spouse/partner meeting someone after 6 months.

That's not the same as bringing them into the family or expecting the children to treat them as a unit after 6 months, but just this man is being berated for even having feelings for someone else.

But a tentative return to dating and spending time with someone else? Can't see what the issue is.

It depends how you interpret his posts.
Yes I brush I guess but part of me would be gutted if she told me she was seeing someone else in 6 months time while I dawdled.

Kids wise I have one at uni and one doing A levels. She knows them both since they were born and gets on with them. She has no kids

He is worried about losing her friendship if he confesses he has feelings for her (first post).
He is worried someone else will move in if he dawdles. (in 6 months time).
My take is that he might rush it so no one else gets her. And she knows the DCs since they were born so implies no great probs there.
The thread is so long probably because there is v little info, each interprets it differently.

6 months is very soon to be making a commitment to someone else, rushing it so that she doesn't get to meet anyone else prob not a good idea. And no comment about how his DCs are getting over the loss - suggests to me he could be deciding too fast, and not considering his DCs.

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog*
I think your mum had a really nice analysis of the situation.

There is so much judgement now about how long one should leave before getting involved with someone else again.
As if, once you are a widow, you aren't allow to love again or have a life. Because you are supposed to be so overwhelmed by grief that nothing else exists...

I remember when my grand father died. My gran stayed alone from then on. She was only in her early 60s. I wish she would have found someone else to spend the next 30 years with her TBH. Let alone someone who is in the 40/50s.

Rhubarbginisnotasin
You've already been deleted twice on this thread. You should concentrate on staying within talk guidelines rather than passing judgment on why another woman may be one of the 1 in 8 who gets mild antenatal depression.

Oh, and qualifying your opinion with "I'm scared I'm going to put my foot in it" and "I hope that didn't sound nasty" means... that you knew what you were typing was rude and hurtful.

robinia Thanks.

What ever the rights and wrongs of this situation, the fact is in the majority of these cases something along the following lines happens:

1. The DC think that the parent finding a new partner so soon is disrespectful to the deceased parent and it means that their parents' love could not have been as strong as they thought.
2. They will see their parent moving on with their life, being happy and they will feel that they are being left behind alone in their grief.
3. It is inevitable that pictures and photos will disappear and the deceased parent will start to be erased from daily life.
4. There will inevitably be clashes between the new partner and the DC - typically the parent will take new partner's side and the rift will grow.
5. New partner will realise that the DC are not happy with them and probably try to minimise contact with them, so the parent gradually sees the DC less and less often.

I guess sometimes these situations have a happy ending, but I don't think it happens very often.
OP beware - you are about to let a bomb off in the heart of your family, so think carefully about whether rushing into this is a good idea.

There is so much judgement now about how long one should leave before getting involved with someone else again.As if, once you are a widow, you aren't allow to love again or have a life

I think this is what is prolonging this thread. No one is saying the OP shouldn't have a new love at some point in his life. To compare the choice of lifelong widowhood/widowerhood to this situation is pointless as it couldn't be more different.

Rhubarbginisnotasin
You've already been deleted twice on this thread. You should concentrate on staying within talk guidelines rather than passing judgment on why another woman may be one of the 1 in 8 who gets mild antenatal depression

Oh, and qualifying your opinion with "I'm scared I'm going to put my foot in it" and "I hope that didn't sound nasty" means... that you knew what you were typing was rude and hurt

I wasn't passing judgment and I sincerely apologise if thats the impression I gave you.

And I genuinely wasnt trying to be rude or hurtful when I asked what I did. I knew it was a question that could be taken badly so I said what I did in the hope it would not be taken the way it has been.

And I do know about antenatal depression. I had it when I was pregnant with my 4th child but I didnt know i had it till my friend contacted our health visitor and said she was worried about me. My husband was away with the military and I was on my own with all of the children.

Again, my sincerest apologies.

It is inevitable that pictures and photos will disappear and the deceased parent will start to be erased from daily life.

Huh? Why?

*Maybe if us kids who've been there could write a blog at age 12, 8, 14 or whatever, fair enough.

Well, I was 18 when my mum died. Nine months later my dad started dating again. And yes, it was tough. Really tough. But that is bereavement. Loads of things have hurt and still hurt; a friend going NC with her mother for a while over something that seemed daft to me, and bitching about it all over the place made me howl; my big sister getting married and mum not being there; every single mother's day.

Of course dad seeing someone else was hard, but it was also hard seeing him not eat, getting thin, clearly being so lonely.

That relationship didn't last but he clearly was better for it and I think it helped him be ready when he started seeing my stepmother a few years later, who is lovely.

And btw, we still have photos of mum in the house, we still talk about her lots, and my DSM has only ever been supportive of this. I hate this idea that a widow/er dating again means there is some kind of competition. It doesn't have to be this way.

And I genuinely wasnt trying to be rude or hurtful when I asked what I did. I knew it was a question that could be taken badly
With hindsight I'm sure you would agree that it probably wasn't worth asking at all, since there's nothing to be gained from it. Somerville could hardly then say ah yes you're right. I'll just end the relationship and stop having this baby.

With hindsight I'm sure you would agree that it probably wasn't worth asking at all, since there's nothing to be gained from it

Ive emailed Somerville privately to expand on my public apology in the hope she can see I meant absolutely no malice whatsoever.

But thank you for your comment Somerville could hardly then say ah yes you're right. I'll just end the relationship and stop having this baby.
because I can see how my comment may have come across when I had in actual fact not thought of anything like it.

I know what I was thinking but I unfortunately made a very cack handed go at articulating it.

I think anything else to be said is best said to Sommerville in private if she would like to give me another well deserved red hot ear so this is my last explanation regarding my post.

DukeOfBurgundy
I don't know why - but it happened with my FIL and it has happened to other posters. I think it's because the new partner does not want to be faced with photos of the deceased spouse everyday, which is fair enough for them, but rough on the the DC.

AsleepAtMyDesk - it doesn't have to. My DSM has has never taken my DM's photos down.

I think one of the key issues here is that you cant apply logic and reasoning to a family that is in mourning. Of course it is reasonable for the parent to find a new partner, and not reasonable for the DC to be upset. But there is so much pain and loss flying around after a bereavement that logic does not prevail.
And a new partner does fundamentally change everything about family life. Suddenly there is somebody you don't know literally sitting where your mum/dad used to be. And almost every interaction with your parent now takes place under the eye of this person.

Assuming that this person is kind and understanding, it could work out in the end. If they are not, as is the case with my sMIL who dislikes all of FIL's 3 DC, what has happened is we rarely see FIL anymore, and when we do it is very strained and difficult.

AsleepAtMyDesk - I'm really sorry your FiL's relationship with his DC has suffered from his new marriage. I absolutely think that step parent is a tough role and not for everyone and it can go painfully wrong.

I just don't think anyone would use that as a reason for why a divorced person shouldn't date again, or develop feelings, but people are so quick to demand that widow/ers spend a lifetime in mourning.

Again, very sorry about your FiL.

I will just say that when my children lost their father their stepmother who they were extremely close to and who played an active parenting role met a man two months later.

It absolutely broke my children. It hurts to even look back at that time because their grief was made so much worse and it was just brutal.

Everyone has the right to happiness. You don't have the right to do what you please and add more pain to grieving children so soon after they have lost their mum.

Logic will not come into it. Let them grieve without adding the complication of another woman into the mix. Especially not their mum's friend. They will likely feel their mum's friend has betrayed them and their mother too.

Give it time, tread carefully not to hurt those children more. Please.

WinnieTheMe, your stepmum was an ignorant cow to refer to your mother as your dad's "ex-wife". Ex-wife is someone who is no longer a wife. She should have said "first wife".

OP - having gone through this, here's my advice.
When you tell the DC, give them time to process it. Don't expect them to meet up with the 2 of you the next day or next week
Understand this is will be insanely painful for them and let them move at their own pace.
The first few times they see you together as a couple, choose a neutral venue so they do not have to see your partner in their mum's place in your home.
Make sure you still make time to see them without the new partner always being there.
Listen to your DC's concerns about the new relationship and do not get angry and dismiss them as irrelevant. Some of their points could be valid.
Make sure they know it is till OK to talk about their mum, even if the new partner is there.
Please don't take down all the photos.

"Eeeeek" ?!

Always the men "moving on" after like this. I think some men can't stand looking after themselves with no one to shag.

Never fell for her in all those years. But 6 months after your wife passes....Right.

I dont think anyone is saying you should never have another relationship or love again. It isnt a case of mourn forever or throw yourself into a relationship in the first weeks or months! Surely it is possible to have a balance? And yes everyone is different and some will be ready for a new relationship quicker than others (and 16 months is a lot different to 6 months imho) but as i said before every situation i know of where the husband has moved quickly has been hugely detrimental to the children involved ( both adult and young kids). In two cases it lead to the parent child relationship breaking down completely so the bereaved children ended up losing both parents in the end .

And when i say moved quickly i mean the first few weeks in one case and a few months in the other 2 cases.

I agree with the comment that bereaved children lose both parents when one dies and the other moves on too quickly. However it also depends on how the new partner behaves. I remember going round to my dads and my mums precious bone china desert bowl was being used as a dog bowl by my dads new partner. Says a lot about my dad too as to how desperate he was not to be on his own that he chose someone who would do that.