Wife died and falling for her friend?? Eeeek!!

[blueskiesrock]

Hi.

I had a great marriage for 26 years and my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly 6 months ago. Friends have been great and I feel very supported but still very lonely.

A good friend of my wife's (we have all been friends ever since my wife and I met) has been superb at helping and she has never been married. We have lots in common and I am starting to have feelings for her and I suspect she might be too, however I am worried that if I try to move things on and she doesn't feel the way I do I'd lose the friendship and make myself look silly. We are both in our fifties so old enough to realise time marches on.

Also concerned friends will feel it is too soon but then they are not the one at home alone.

Ho Hum???

What to do?

Is there ever a time when children won't be struggling with th idea that the remaining parent has remarried?
And does it mean that said parent should our their whole life on hold just for that, with all the implications for themselves as well as the one for their happiness?

Because he's choosing not to talk about his grief on here. He doesn't sound desperate or grief stricken. He sounds like someone who is just thinking aloud. To me.

I don't miss people. I don't grieve. Once they're gone, they're gone.

Not everyone does. There's no right or wrong way to react.

Please consider your children in this and don't move on so fast. However you phrase the new woman it will look like you're replacing their mum who has only just died. You can see each other discretely as there doesn't need to be a big rush.

I lost my DM at 20 following a battle with cancer. My step dad (my parents had divorced and remarried when I was very little) moved in one of her friends about 2 years after she died and they married and then moved away a year later. I completely understood that he didn't want to be on his own and that he'd suffered too, but it was brutal when I was still a young adult and had no family home or security left. I was lucky that I still had my real dad and his family but I lost everything from my childhood as well as my mum.

I'm in my 40s now so get the feeling that life is for living but it's far too soon IMO.

i don't miss people. I don't grieve. Once they're gone, they're gone

Even loved ones?

Women mourn, men replace

Or maybe women indulge, men move on.

Who's to say what the 'correct' timeframe or reaction is.

who said OP should put his whole life on hold? The kids must still be in shock and are at a transitional time (uni/A'levels).

"Is there ever a time when children won't be struggling with th idea that the remaining parent has remarried?
And does it mean that said parent should our their whole life on hold just for that, with all the implications for themselves as well as the one for their happiness?"

nonsense. i have relatives who are happily couple up 2-3 years after the death of their wife. three young adult children who he is close to and regular communicates with in a meanginful way. Father and three dc are a family and close even after the death of the poor wife and mother. He introduced the new girlfriend who he had met 18 month after the his wife died and they became an item about 2 years after he lost his wife. The key was taking each other feelings into account, talking and having clear boundaries, I/e/ children should have time with their father without new partner at least some of the time. alls a clear and fair will is important to make the children feel secure and taken into account.

Of course time matters and communication.

If this is legit I would recommend the OP takes some time. If it's true lurve it'll still be there in six months or so.

Well, I'm single.

But I've lost my dad and my grandma. And no. I didn't 'grieve'.

In the early days, I sometimes thought, "Oh, I could ask my dad about..." or "I'll have to phone grandma and tell her that..." before realising that I couldn't.

But that's all.

Men and women tackle the death of their spouses very differently.

Paul McCartney - very famously happily married to Linda but who moved on very quickly after she died and married Heather Mills, which ended in acrimony. Has now married again. Gone from happily married once to now married thrice.

Cilla Black - same age, same birthplace etc. Very famously happily married to Bobby. Stayed a widow until she died.

Someone upthread said it - women mourn, men replace.

"If this is legit I would recommend the OP takes some time"

I have to say it's just one of these threads that will elect people' traumatic experiences.

I am about about this tbh.

Six months is no time at all. Your dc are at pivotal times of their lives Uni and A levels. They've already coped with their dm loss and now before she's barely cold you're replacing her.
Friends fil did this her sil was 16. Fil took up with new woman, moved her in, put all wife's stuff away. Sil moved in with them, never spoke to her dad again and refused to even go to his funeral.
If she cares for you and the dc she'll respect this is quick. If you want to permanently damage your relationship with your dc then go for it.

It is to soon Blue

The 'idea' of a new relationship seems appealing because it will to some degree, ease the pain of your loss. It will also provide a distraction from you dealing with those feelings and also being in a 'couple' again, you can re-instigate previous routines you may have enjoyed with your late wife.

Give yourself time to adapt to being a widow. Create your own routines, spend some extra time with your teens. If you feel a spark for this lady in several months then you have all the time in the world to pursue it. Also, so sorry for your loss

Life is too short. ask her!

I always told my husband that I would never want him to be alone.

I would prefer him not to marry again, as I am his wife, but if I wasn't around, I would not want him to be alone.

As long as you are mindful for your kids, and both consent, I don't see any harm in it.

I hate to burst your bubble, timefortea, but Cilla Black had a 12-year relationship with John Madjeski. They just never got married.

I don't think you should fall too quickly into something else because you are lonely. It would be a shame to lose this friendship if things went wrong after rushing into a relationship for the wrong reasons. Give yourself more time to grieve and adjust. If this female friend is starting or could start to have feelings for you, she will probably give it time for the same reason rather than suddenly announce she is committed to someone else.

Six months is incredibly soon after the death of your wife. It would make it harder for your children to see you 'move on' so soon. It may never be easy for them, but this soon would be far far worse. It also seems to soon for you to be able to trust your own feelings.

I don't exactly get the thing about a good marriage so want to do it again.

My marriage is good because of the person I'm married to-not the fact of being married iyswim.

I agree Diddl.

Personally I don't understand how many men move on (or can even contemplate it) so quickly after a happy marriage.

Me either tbh. 6 months is nothing.

And if I was one of the OP's kids I don't think I'd be overjoyed that my father had formed a relationship with my mother's friend, someone I'd known since birth, a mere six months after my mother's death. Seems disrespectful.

What's the rush?

You don't seem to be considering your children's feelings very much so I would urge caution. They will be mortified if you are not seen to respect her memory. Moving on very quickly with her friend will be interpreted that way. Your emotions too will not yet be stable, I doubt you will be making sensible decisions six months after your wife's death, although I understand your need to do something to fix the pain and loneliness. But it could just not be fixable so soon. So I would encourage you to tread very carefully. I knew a family where something similar happened and the relationship with the dcs, all older than yours, was damaged forever.

It is impressive how soon men move on.

women mourn, men replace.

Sexist shite.

Ime men do move on much faster than women, I don't think it's sexist shite at all.

What a lot of judgemental crap on this thread.

So the OP hasn't talked about his grief here so people assume that he's not considered his children, should still be grieving in a way that they would approve of, and that he should wait a period to move on.

Nowhere has the OP said he's planning to move the woman in with his children, he's said he has developed feelings for her and is afraid that if he voices this fact she may run a mile.

It is desperately sad that the OP has lost his wife of 26 years. He said that his was an unhappy marriage so who is anyone to question that? But you know what? Sad as it is, she's gone. She's not coming back. It's entirely possible that he hasn't in fact got over the death but that he is still a human being who is able to have feelings for others as well and form new relationships. And maybe a new relationship wouldn't last, or maybe it would, because they both loved the same woman in their own way. But regardless of whether the relationship lasts or not, no-one else can dictate how long he should wait before embarking on any kind of relationship with anyone else. He is a human being. He's entitled to have a relationship if he wants. If he doesn't involve his children and isn't planning to move her in next week etc then who he has a relationship with and how this comes about is nobody's business.